


The Perfect Copy

by Hichanchen, Smut_Hemingway



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, Chae Hyungwon/Shin Hoseok | Wonho - Freeform, Dealing With Loss, Depression, Dominance games, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family Problems, Fluff, Hoseok is working, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon and Kyungwon are twins, Hyungwon is a dancer, Hyungwon is a subby potato, Insecurity, It's never black and white, Kihyun is personality goals, Kyungwon had enough, Love is for everybody, M/M, One year after BLUE, Plot-twist, Polyamory, Relationship Issues, Shin Hoseok | Wonho - Freeform, Smut, Tolerance and empathy are important, Top Shin Hoseok, Trauma, chae hyungwon - Freeform, it's a complex topic, kyungwon, mental health matters, past relationship, we always finish our fics, yoo kihyun - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-11 22:56:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 129,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15982256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smut_Hemingway/pseuds/Smut_Hemingway
Summary: A year passed since Hyungwon and Hoseok moved together, both are working, enjoying their relationship as well as Hyungwon's improved mental health state and everything seems fine. Besides the pulling that doesn't go away, no matter how much time passes.A year should've been enough to stop feeling like this.It should have.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,
> 
> we're back with the sequel for our work: BLUE  
> [\--HERE--](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15478452/chapters/35931600)  
> This story is very important to us and deals with a topic we didn't talk about before. The 14 chapters are from Kyungwon's and Hoseok's perspectives and deal with different issues we didn't want to put into BLUE. We hope that reading it will broaden your horizon and make you see certain situations from different angles.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>  We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon and Kyungwon  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok and Kihyun
> 
>  
> 
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)
> 
> Next update on 22nd of September at 2PM CET

 

 

 

The smoke appeared gradually, made its way through the space between his lips and dissipated into thin air, as if it hadn't been there in the first place. It felt calming to watch, to follow the motions. It resembled ink in water, the way it drew intricate patterns before coloring it whole, turning blue or black.

Pursing his lips, he attempted to create a ring, much like in that one parody of the Lord of the Rings movies in which they pretended that all the protagonists were high. He couldn't help wanting to be high too. At least the cold wouldn't have been as penetrating, sinking right to his bones through his thin silk robe.

It was a little bit his own fault too. Who the hell smoked on a balcony in the middle of winter while only wearing a silk robe?

_You, because you don't give a shit._

He sighed and tapped his cigarette on the railing, making sure to not let any ash land on his own, precious floors.

_Hoseok would have joked about you having to hire someone to clean your shit._

Chuckling, he finished his cigarette and threw it into the small blue vase on the side. His mother had gifted it to him years ago, but it was just as meaningless as every other gift she had ever given him. It was perfect for cigarette butts on the rare occasions that he smoked.

He wanted to stop, he even did for a year or two, but it was difficult to avoid it once in a while, when the urge and the responsibilities became overwhelming.

Steps sounded behind him just as he wanted to turn around. The handsome young man that he had taken home for the night, had woken up, rubbing over his eyes and attempting to focus on his robe-clad form.

It was a pattern of his, tiring them out enough to just stay for the night, sleeping in his bed and providing warmth that he would have loved to receive from someone else.

_When will you finally get over it?_

“Hyungwon?” the other man murmured behind him, stepping onto the balcony before curling his arms around himself. “Was that your name?”

_Ouch._

“Kyungwon, but it doesn't really matter,” he replied and brushed his long fingers through his hair. Smirking, he curled his arm around the blonde man's waist and pulled him back into the loft. “Let's sleep, it's too cold outside.”

He was met with a hesitant hum, as the man whose name he didn't remember checked his watch. It must have been satisfactory, after all 3 AM wasn't late, and he climbed back into bed, waiting for Kyungwon to join him. Once he did, lean arms circled his waist and pulled him close.

It didn't matter that he couldn't remember his visitor’s name, that's not what they were together for. It was all much simpler than that.

Licking over his lips, Kyungwon pushed his head into the soft pillow, smelling like his shampoo and detergent, familiar but somehow impersonal, just like the embrace with the man in his bed.

_When will you finally get over it, Kyungwon?_

He wished he had the answer to that.

_

 

Carrying the heavy bags up Hyungwon's stairs, he couldn't help but be grateful for his regular workout sessions, even if the results weren't instantly visible.

It was Tuesday and it had already been a whole week since he visited his brother and his boyfriend.

_Hoseok. Stop pretending that you forgot his name. You didn't, it’s the only name you remember._

Since the two of them had moved in together a year ago it had seemed strange to visit every second day. Hyungwon didn't need him to, even if he kept hugging him and insisting that he loved to have him there. Sure, he did, the two of them spent most of their lives together, but now that his adorable brother had a boyfriend, there was no need for him to hang around all the time.

He arrived in front of Hyungwon's door and pulled the key out of his bag. The suit was tailored, but still he didn't quite feel like himself. Coming over right after work was always the worst.

“I came to make you nut with my cooking skills, you peasants,” Kyungwon called into the spacious apartment and dropped the bags at his sides, waiting for Hyungwon to jump into his arms while Hoseok stood grinning at the side. It was fascinating how much better his second half had gotten over the past year. Sure, Hyungwon still felt self-conscious once in a while and cried and felt down when the dancing school didn't go as he would have liked or if he messed up an important dance step, but it just wasn't comparable to before.

Hoseok smiled brightly and scanned him from head to toe.

“Mr. Chae, what an honor,” he commented and walked over to him with slow steps, picking up the bags and winking at him in the process.

Kyungwon rolled his eyes and couldn't help the way his eyes instantly followed the broad man's form. It was difficult to fight the way his lips instantly wished to mirror the genuine smile that was almost always on the blonde man's curved lips. Where was Hyungwon?

“Where is the princess?” he asked and followed Hoseok to the kitchen, watching him unpack the bags like he always did. All that muscle mass had to be good for something.

“He's a prince. He's at the studio, but he wanted to be here in an hour or two. You can start cooking, if you didn't only come to see him that is.” The blonde man put the heavy grocery bags on the kitchen counter and started unpacking them.

_As if._

Kyungwon swallowed while trying to come up with a good comeback, something snarky but clever. Something that made him seem stronger than he was.

“He's obviously the prettier one, but I might look at you too if you put some effort into it,” he replied eventually, not quite satisfied but topping it off with a grin. Jumping up on the countertop, he crossed his legs and mentally cursed his suit pants. It just wasn't the same as ripped jeans and didn't fit his personality as much as he would have liked.

Hoseok smiled without lifting his gaze and continued unpacking until there was nothing left to unpack. Stuffing the plastic bags into the drawer on the right, he finally turned and Kyungwon could see how the other man's eyes widened while roaming over his body until Hoseok's gaze stopped on his lips.

“You- you look good,” he murmured and turned away, pulling two cups out of the overhead cupboard. The gaze instantly conjured warmth in Kyungwon’s chest, pleasant until something grabbed his heart and clenched it in its fist, reminding him of what their situation was.

_He is your twin brother’s boyfriend and you are a friend._

“Like Hyungwon you mean,” he remarked and leaned back on his palms, knowing that he looked good when he did that. It emphasized the way his white shirt hugged his slim waist. Of course, it was a little dumb and counterproductive, but he couldn’t really help himself. They were never really alone and since the kiss at his apartment, the one that he still couldn’t forget, he just didn't know how much he was allowed to touch the other man. So he didn’t, just in case.

Instead, he let his eyes roam over the blonde man’s muscular body, the way he filled out his t-shirt and how his thighs had barely any space in the tight, blue jeans. Kyungwon wanted to touch him, but alas, he had promised not to. “You look gorgeous, Hoseok, like a fucking three course meal.”

“Time doesn't let me keep my excuses, unfortunately,” the other man murmured. “You look good, independently of Hyungwon, and thank you, I worked out an hour ago, the muscles are still swollen, so it looks nice.” Hoseok placed their cups under the coffee machine Kyungwon had gifted them with and pressed the button.

The compliment was nice, probably one of the reasons he was still unable to get his shit together. Grinning, he licked over his right index finger and reached out, holding it to Hoseok’s uncovered bicep and making a sizzling noise with his lips.

“I’d touch you more, but I don’t know if you’ll have a mental breakdown,” he commented nonchalantly, easily controlling his voice as he glanced at the coffee machine, watching the way the brown liquid filled up their cups. It was almost a tradition now. “You’re sensitive after all.”

Hoseok's dark brown eyes focused on him for a couple of seconds without him saying anything before the blonde man glanced away, pulling the cups from under the machine and handing one to him.

“I often have the feeling that you want me to have a mental breakdown. Is it fun?”

“Of course, it isn’t,” Kyungwon whispered in response and accepted the cup. It was nice and warm and helped to distract him from his racing thoughts, travelling over what he wanted to do and what he was allowed to do. Those two things weren’t compatible.

The question had caught him off guard. It wasn’t something they talked about, just like the fact that he still hadn’t been able to focus on someone else apart from Hoseok, fucking around to lie to himself that he was okay. It seemed to work on Hyungwon as far as he could tell and the blonde man in front of him never mentioned it. It had been easier that way, so why should they discuss it now?

“I just don’t want to watch shit hit the fan.”

“Mhm, it's better when the shit is there but no-one presses the power button of the fan.” Hoseok pulled himself up on the counter and took a sip of his coffee, staring into nothing. Kyungwon just hummed, liking the metaphor. It fit well.

It was easier when Hyungwon was with them. His brother tended to give the whole thing more of a balance, reminding him of what he was allowed to do and what he wasn’t, controlling himself for the sake of his second half. Like this, it was difficult, like there were no barriers, only the one they created themselves, invisible and fragile like glass.

“But it’s tempting to press the button, just like those bright red ones that blow the whole fucking world up,” he replied eventually and brushed through his hair again. Smiling, Kyungwon let his cup touch Hoseok’s, creating a soft sound, much like the first time they had sat together in Hyungwon’s kitchen. It was nice. “Cheers.”

“You're driving me nuts,” Hoseok whispered, barely audible and sucked in a long breath. “So, how's work? Have you already fucked the gay population of Amsterdam? A previous hookup wrote me a message, I only hear good things about you,” the blonde man murmured but it didn't sound enthusiastic despite the words.

_He makes it sound like you’re a whore._

Kyungwon just chuckled at the comment. Hoseok sounded concerned but the blonde man should have known better. After all, he had done the same until finally meeting Hyungwon and settling down. The two of them were much more similar than Hoseok gave them credit for.

“I fucked the gay population of Amsterdam ages ago, Hoseok. I am sure you could say the same about yourself.” He sighed and watched the way Hoseok’s fingers grasped his coffee cup, a few veins visible due to the increased blood circulation. Their thighs were nearly touching, it almost hurt how much Kyungwon wanted to bridge the last two centimeters and actually make them touch. “Work is the same as always, a bunch of idiots that don’t know shit try to run a company while hoping for the people with a degree to save their asses. It’s frustrating while stealing my valuable time. How are you?”

“I'm good, being in the lab all the time is a little sad, I enjoyed talking to the customers when I worked at the pharmacy, but who knows, maybe I'll go back later.” Hoseok smiled and shifted a little, so that their thighs touched. “Thank you for the coffee machine, you deserve everything, you don't even know how many cups I drink per day since you bought it for us.”

Kyungwon sucked in a deep breath at the sudden contact, forcing himself to not show how much he reacted to it. After all he was a friend and supposed to be nonchalant about body contact, joking all the time and smiling at how happy his brother was with the gorgeous man sitting next to him.

_Why is he doing this to you?_

“Impressive that you want to see people, I’m glad if I can avoid at least half of the dumb faces I encounter on a daily basis,” he remarked with a grin and placed his palm on Hoseok’s thigh. Being alone with the blonde man made it seem like the borders blurred, like they were rubbed over with a thumb to make them disappear. “Technically you can do whatever the fuck you want, or not? You two have enough money and you could just work at the fucking pharmacy if that’s what you want. Could probably buy one too.”

“I really seem to be someone who has a lot of love to give,” Hoseok murmured and exhaled roughly. “Technically it's not my money, it's Hyungwon's and yours, so I'm not going to buy a pharmacy. But shouldn't you be happy too? Working and earning money while being important and wearing designer suits every day instead of only Saturdays?” The other man laughed and caught his gaze, reaching for his face and pulling his mouth corners up with his thumb and index finger. “You have a beautiful smile, you should smile more often.”

It felt like a stab, like Hoseok hadn't only touched his face but his chest too, squeezing until the pain was almost unbearable.

“I smile all the time,” he whispered, unable to muster his usual confidence. It sounded empty, just like the smile that he plastered on his face looked empty. “I don't care about all that, Hoseok, I just do what I'm supposed to and bask in the money while enjoying a different tight ass around my dick each night. It's amazing.”

“Liar.” Hoseok's warm fingers left his face and curled around the counter surface instead. The silence was so prominent that it seemed as if one could hear their heartbeats. Kyungwon wished the warm hands would would curl around his waist instead, holding him close, much like they did with his brother.

_It even looks the same. Is that how Hyungwon always felt? Like it could have been him?_

“It's easier like this,” he murmured and removed his hand from Hoseok’s thigh, already missing the way the firm muscles had felt under his fingertips. “Do you want me to leave?”

He glanced up and watched the way the corners of Hoseok’s mouth curled up. He remembered perfectly how the red lips had felt against his own, brushing against his and pressing down, warm tongue licking inside his mouth.

Fuck, it hurt.

“No. I never want you to leave, maybe that’s something that you want?” Hoseok jumped down from the wooden surface and positioned himself across from him, looking up into his eyes. His gaze was intense.

“No,” he replied firmly, reaching out and curling the fingers of his right hand into Hoseok’s t-shirt, pulling him a little closer. “It's just easier to keep my boundaries when I'm alone. I have never cared about rules much, so this is hard. But I'm fine, it's okay, no reason to pull that affectionate gaze on me.” He let Hoseok’s t-shirt go.

_You can't take it._

“I'm not pulling that gaze on you, it's a reflection of my sorry state,” Hoseok whispered and turned around, walking in the direction of the living room.

For a split second Kyungwon wanted to let him leave, to give himself a bit of space to breathe, to think about what he wanted to say and how to say it. But maybe it would have been less genuine.

Sucking a big gulp of air into his lungs, he jumped down from the counter and curled his hand around Hoseok’s arm, pulling him right back.

“I thought we talked about this. You were so good at thinking about yourself, at not letting everybody take a fucking ride on you, Hoseok. You don't have to save anybody, so be fucking happy with Hyungwon and let the sun shine out of your ass. Seeing you like this just-” His voice broke and he inhaled again, reaching out to brush his thumb over Hoseok’s cheek, desperately memorizing how it felt under his delicate fingertips. “It just makes it worse.”

“You think I want to save you? You're a fool, Kyungwon.” The other man's hand reached out for his face but fell to the side after a couple of seconds as Hoseok closed his eyes and breathed out through his parted lips.

“And you're a fucking coward, Hoseok,” he hissed, feeling his eyes burn but hating every second of it. It was below him and he was not going to fucking cry in front of anybody, not even Hoseok. “You're a coward for not even daring to touch me, afraid that something would happen.”

He felt how strong arms curled around his waist and Hoseok pressed him closer, so that there was no space between them. It was overwhelming, like pressure that had built up in his chest for over a year finally released its knot in his chest, burning disappearing for the time that the warm body of the man he still loved, but wasn't supposed to, surrounded him.

“Yes, yes, I'm a fucking coward, what am I supposed to do? Hug you, kiss you and tell you that I love you? How the fuck is that supposed to work?” he hissed before biting down on his lower lip.

“I wish you would,” he whispered, regretting it instantly and biting down on his tongue, almost enough to bleed while keeping himself from saying anything else. His arms curled around Hoseok’s neck although he should have pushed him away, much like every other time that they had ever been close.

_You've managed to stay away so well until now._

‘Everything is bound to crack someday’ Hyungwon loved to say. Kyungwon couldn't really remember what the second part to that saying was.

_Because the one to mend you is with someone else._

Leaning closer, Hoseok almost touched his curved lips with his own, shaky breaths escaping the other man's nose frequently.

“But I can't, if I do all those things, like I want to, Kyungwon, I-” he started and Kyungwon felt how the other man's fingers tightened around him. “I’m scared I won't be able to stop, fuck,” Hoseok muttered and buried his head in the crook of his neck instead.

“But that…” Kyungwon swallowed again, inhaling the other man's scent, wishing to feel the same affection all his life. “That sounds like you want to, Hoseok, why the fuck would you? Because we look the same?”

The strong embrace loosened and Hoseok stepped back, not saying anything and not looking at him at all.

“We should cook, Hyungwon will be here soon.”

_He's strange, it's as if the question makes him uncomfortable._

The truth was like that, especially if one wished it to be a lie.

Kyungwon nodded and made his way to the kitchen, not looking at Hoseok and merely clenching his teeth. The situation was fucked up and he had decided to deal with it the way it was. There was no point in trying to get something that wasn't his.

Arranging the ingredients, he needed on the countertop, he began cutting the vegetables and the meat into chunks, attempting to release his frustration through the motions of the knife.

_And this is exactly why you made sure to never be alone with him, Hyungwon._

He heard Hoseok talk on the phone in the hallway.

“Hey- when- uhm when are you coming? ‘Cause Kyungwon is here and he wanted to see you, so-” The other man sounded like a preschooler, confused and shy, it was so unlike him.

He could hear Hyungwon's cheerful voice on the other end, talking enthusiastically about children judging from the way he heightened the tone of his voice. Whatever his brother was saying, it conjured a bright smile on Hoseok’s gorgeous features. It was beautiful, beautifully frustrating.

As soon as the blonde man returned his phone to his pocket, Kyungwon placed the knife he had been cutting with on the counter and turned around.

“You're a fucking pussy, Hoseok.”

“Whatever you say,” the blonde man muttered and walked past him, brushing his shoulder in the process and almost making him fly against the wall.

_Dick._

Kyungwon brushed imaginary dirt from his shoulder and gestured towards the already half cut vegetables.

“You could be useful instead of minimizing the time we are together. Hyungwon will probably want to eat when he's back and we aren't even nearly done.” Grabbing the knife, he turned around and grinned. “Or do you prefer to watch my sexy back while I work?” Teasing was easier, it was safer than talking about feelings that just didn't fade no matter how much time passed.

“Your back looks the same as Hyungwon's, there's nothing to watch,” Hoseok commented and positioned himself right next to him, arms touching. “What do you want me to do? I'm not trying to minimize the time, you came to see Hyungwon and I told him, that's it.”

_You came to see them both._

“He's definitely better at working on himself, that's for sure,” Kyungwon hissed and gestured towards the carrots, showing Hoseok how he wanted them to be cut. Luckily the blonde man was pretty good with a knife, much unlike Hyungwon who basically chopped his fingers off without meaning to. “Sorry, for making your life hell though. The two of you are great together, independent of my feelings.”

“You're dumb, Kyungwon,” Hoseok hissed and chopped a carrot in high speed. “Also, who's the one who used to come over every second day and now I'm lucky if I see you once a week? I'm not the one who's minimizing time.”

Hoseok had a point there, but the reason had been clear from the start. Meeting his brother wasn’t the same anymore, because he was almost never alone unless he visited him in his loft or they went to drink coffee together. Time changed their relationships and that’s just how it was. The blonde appeared to be the only one who expected it to stay the same. Sighing, Kyungwon used the back of his hand to brush his hair away from his forehead.

_Would be nice if your feelings changed just like your relationships._

“What else am I supposed to do? I have a lot of work and I can’t just come over and sleep in one bed with the two of you, can I? It’s not the same anymore and I cannot pretend that this is my home, Hyungwon has you now. He doesn’t need me as much, that’s just how it is and I have gotten used to it. Sad story bro, but I can deal with it.”

“That's bullshit and you know it. Hyungwon misses you a lot. I could just stay over at Kihyun's place if I make you uncomfortable. I'm not a replacement for you and I never could be.” The blonde man poured the cut vegetables into a container and turned to him. “What else?”

“You don’t fucking get it, Hoseok. I would love to do all that and come over more often, but you’re the one who fucking panics if I’m closer than one meter away from your precious muscle mass. I won’t jump you, I told you, I’m not a fucking monster. Sure, it might be a little painful to see you be affectionate, but I dare say that I got kinda used to it after seeing it for a whole year. Do you think Hyungwon would be fine with having me next to you guys while seeing what’s going on?” Kyungwon hated remaining quiet and running around on tiptoes, it didn’t fit him, not at all. It just made him furious and he wished to grab the fucking knife and throw it into the wall, watching it stick before falling to the floor due to the heavy handle. Exhaling roughly, he pointed at the potatoes, waiting for Hoseok to cut them as well.

“It's not you, you dumbass, it's me,” Hoseok hissed and started peeling the potato, looking focused although the action didn't require much attention.

“Why the fuck would the problem be you, Hoseok? You have Hyungwon.” Kyungwon groaned in frustration and threw the knife on top of the meat he had been cutting, too angry to continue. This didn’t make any fucking sense. The problem was him having feelings for his brother’s boyfriend and constantly hanging around them, being a fucking third wheel. The three of them did spend time with each other, watching movies and talking, but he had to put so much work into being nonchalant, to not stare at Hoseok for too long and possibly upset Hyungwon. His brother was doing great, but he just couldn’t help the worry that a single action of his might break everything into a mass of tiny shards.

“Why would the problem be me? Aren't you so fucking smart? Use your huge brain,” Hoseok said and threw his knife into the sink, turning around and leaving through the kitchen door after he heard noises.

_Hyungwon._

Kyungwon massaged his temples for a few seconds to get his shit together and to not just run after Hoseok and punch him in the face for not just telling him what the fucking problem was. Biting down on his lower lip, he cleaned his hands and followed Hoseok to the hallway, watching the way Hyungwon peeled his chucks off his feet, smiling brightly at the two of them.

“Max finally managed the double turn,” he commented excitedly and turned around to show what he meant, only wearing one shoe and looking absolutely ridiculous.

Kyungwon laughed loudly and leaned against the door frame, unable to help the way his eyes looked for Hoseok, to see if the other man reacted similarly, if he was equally happy to see the shy black-haired man.

Hoseok grabbed Hyungwon's body and twirled him around before putting him back and laughing at how his brother lost balance.

“That's amazing, babe. Kyungwon wanted to cook but shamelessly used my skill to cut vegetables.”

“What skills, you just fucking crush everything,” he replied in defense and brushed through his hair with his spread-out fingers.

“Did you guys argue? You look furious,” Hyungwon remarked carefully before stepping out of Hoseok’s embrace and curling his arms around Kyungwon, pressing him close and smiling sweetly. “Please don’t argue, I don’t think- that the apartment would remain in place.”

“There's nothing we should be arguing about,” Hoseok muttered and looked at his phone. “Uhm, I'm going to go see Kihyun for a bit and be back in an hour or two, okay? He also wanted to talk to me about his boring life.” The blonde man kissed Hyungwon while he was still in Kyungwon’s arms, hereby brushing his cheek over his.

_Coward._

Hyungwon appeared cheerful, kissing back quickly and returning his smiling face towards him, unbothered by the fact that Hoseok was only running away because Kyungwon was there. It was ridiculous, ridiculously frustrating.

“Sure, have fun,” he murmured as the blonde man put on his shoes, urgent as if Kihyun needed him to be there any minute.

“See you in a week,” Hoseok murmured barely audible and left.

Kyungwon would have loved to just not give a shit about the way he appeared for once and ask the other man not to go, but he didn’t know how Hyungwon would have reacted. Hyungwon who always seemed so easily affected, watching him intently as the bright smile didn’t leave his plump lips for even a second.

_You can’t even tell him what you are so concerned by, pretending that you are doing just fine while drowning in work and sex, like a hopeless romantic._

It was quiet as Hyungwon stepped out of his arms and finally took off his second shoe, making his way to the kitchen and staring at the massacred vegetables.

“You weren’t joking about Hoseok crushing the veggies. I don’t even like veggies, why did you-” Licking over his lips, his brother sat down at the kitchen table, smart enough to not touch a knife himself. “Are you sure you didn’t argue?”

“Not really at least, just the usual teasing but without scratching backs,” Kyungwon replied and continued to cut the vegetables, not sure how to change the conversation topic such that they talked about everything but his relationship to Hoseok. “Is he still fucking you against walls?”

_Smart, Kyungwon._

Hyungwon choked on air as his eyes widened and he stared towards the door, probably making sure that Hoseok had really left and wouldn’t hear the, in his opinion, embarrassing conversation.

“W-what? Why would you ask that suddenly?”

“For the hell of it,” he replied and finished peeling the few potatoes that Hoseok hadn’t managed before getting angry. “I’m just curious.”

A few seconds of silence passed between them until Hyungwon shifted nervously on his chair, a sign that his brother wished to say something but wasn’t quite ready to do so yet. More time passed until the black-haired man finally spoke.

“Don’t you think- that Hoseok and you should have a talk?” Hyungwon asked carefully, chewing on his lip while staring at him intently, attentive and concerned.

_He isn’t dumb, Kyungwon._

“No, we shouldn’t,” he replied surely, using simple body language to drop the topic, turning away and focusing on the work in front of him instead, much like he did every day.

“As you say,” his brother whispered behind him, voice quiet and resigned.

_You can’t run away from this forever, Kyungwon._

But he could try.

_

 

The music was loud, battling with the heavy bass for his attention, sending deep pulses through his body and only adding to the headache that already made it difficult to focus on his surroundings. The muscular man in front of him that had been nice enough to hold his weight for him, was biting his neck, leaving marks judging by the way it burned on his skin and returned his attention for a few seconds before spacing out again.

Kyungwon loved the way the other man’s muscles felt under his fingertips, firm and strong, holding all of his weight and hinting at masses of hours in the gym, just like the one person he wished to have in front of him.

“Kiss me, Hoseok,” he murmured and curled his arms around the other man’s broad neck before jumping up, too lazy and too buzzed to hold himself up.

“When will you finally get my name right, Doll? It’s Hannes.”

Kyungwon didn’t care and merely hummed, waiting for lips to touch his, licking into his mouth roughly while harsh hands pulled at his hair. It was nice, distracting him from the headache and the additional heartache. It was always a bad combination.

“Come on, don’t be such a pussy, Hoseok,” he murmured against the other man’s ear and bit into his earlobe, feeling how a thick erection was pressed into his lower body, a preview for what was about to come.

“It’s Hannes, for fuck’s sake,” the muscular man groaned and pushed him against a wall, trapping him between his thick arms and adding friction by moving his hips. Kyungwon merely groaned, the wish to be fucked against a wall fading along with his arousal.

“I don’t give a fucking shit what your name is,” he hissed and grabbed a fistful of the other man’s brown hair, pulling it so that he was able to bite into the broad neck, taking the fucking control that the useless piece of shit kept trying to steal from him.

_What the hell are you even doing?_

He didn’t know but he also didn’t want to be alone.

“Fuck me, Hoseok,” he whispered, leaning his head back and focusing on the way the rough hands felt on his body, stroking along his chest and abdomen and finally curling around his thighs. Until they suddenly disappeared altogether.

“I don’t care who this Hoseok is, Doll, but I’m not here to solve your emotional problems. Find someone else for that bullshit.”

_True, Kyungwon. Who the fuck is he to have to deal with your emotional bullshit?_

The previous warmth of a body pressed against his, turned into the biting cold of winter, making its way through his thin leather jacket and ripped jeans. His head hurt like a nut that somebody tried to crack, repeatedly, limbs not really moving the way they were supposed to.

_Isn't Hoseok the one who should be dealing with your emotional bullshit? In a way it's his fault, isn't it?_

His fingers barely had enough coordination to fumble his phone out of the tight pocket of his jeans, punching buttons without achieving anything until the monotone and slow beeps indicated that he was calling someone.

“Mhm?” Hoseok's voice hummed into the phone.

Even listening to the other man's voice hurt.

“You fucking coward,” Kyungwon called into the device, forcing a woman next to him to switch to the other side of the street with how loudly he screamed it. His voice was slurred but he didn't give a shit, he was fucking miserable. “Shouldn't you be taking responsibility for all this emotional bullshit? Why is it just me?”

“Kyungwon? Are you okay? Why aren't you sleeping?” Hoseok's low voice sounded so calm it was ridiculous. Kyungwon wanted to punch the other man for being so composed while he was dying inside, punch him and kiss him right after. Fuck.

There was grumbling on the other end that sounded very much like Hyungwon doing everything to avoid waking up, successfully. Kyungwon wanted to punch him too although he almost never felt that way, wishing to protect his brother instead.

“I'm not sleeping because you make me fucking miserable, you asshole. Who the fuck are you to spray your love around like that? Why am I the only one who isn't even allowed to fucking hug you? I hate you, Hoseok.” His voice broke, alcohol taking all his inhibitions and allowing his thoughts to leave his lips without a filter, so loud in his head that he felt dizzy.

He heard shuffling and how the door of Hyungwon's bedroom screeched a little.

“Where are you?”

“I'm at Prik,” Kyungwon murmured, anger still boiling in his veins at the wish to just sink to the ground and scream at the other man. “The gay club, outside and fucking hating everything.”

“Stay where you are, I need ten minutes,” Hoseok murmured and hung up.

Kyungwon’s head hurt so fucking much, fuck. He leaned against the wall to not stumble over his own feet and couldn't get himself to focus on anything. Shit, he shouldn't have accepted all those drinks.

His blurry vision focused on some piece of shit that hugged his waist and attempted to push their bodies together. Kyungwon was already furious without anybody trying to get close to him, so he just kicked the guy in the nuts and screamed at him to fuck off. Luckily the kick had been enough to get the message.

_Why are you so fucking miserable, Kyungwon? You didn't give a single shit before. Just continue not giving a shit and fuck and work like before._

He was barely able to keep his eyes open, wondering why the fuck he was even waiting for Hoseok.

_Because you want to see him._

Chuckling, he brushed through his hair, sweaty from dancing and probably everything but attractive, but he didn't care.

“How much did you drink to not be able to stand?” Hoseok asked and curled an arm around his waist quickly before Kyungwon almost slid down the wall because his legs gave out.

“Not enough to forget your stupid ass,” Kyungwon mumbled and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck. He didn't want to give the other man the pleasure of seeing him at his worst just because of him. He hated showing weakness, so fucking much.

“There's nothing special about my ass, besides being trained and muscular.” The blonde man chuckled and carried his weight with the one arm around his waist. “I'll take you home, I called a cab already.”

“Why would you bother? You have Hyungwon and this whole situation makes me angry. Taking me home won't solve anything.” Kyungwon’s voice was still slurred, barely recognizable with how he pulled the words. It made everything he said so much less genuine, he hated it. “I will still want you, Hoseok.”

“I have Hyungwon and I love Hyungwon and this situation does not have anything to do with that, at least for me it doesn't. Let's get you home first, you must've drunk a bottle of gin or something,” Hoseok whispered into his ear with his ridiculously attractive voice before pulling him to the cab that just arrived.

“Just mixed drinks,” Kyungwon replied and let himself be manhandled into the backseat of the cab, weakly slapping Hoseok’s thigh in response. He didn't want to be a charity case, the brother that got attention because he fucked up his health. That just wasn't him, usually he would have just kissed Hoseok, fought to get what he wanted, but he just couldn't. He liked Hyungwon too much for that.

Inhaling deeply, he curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck as soon as the other man sat down next to him and closed his eyes.

The blonde man pulled him closer and stroked over his hair, not saying anything until they arrived. Kyungwon wanted to stay in the other man's arms without becoming sober, enjoying all that attention that was usually his brothers to have.

He felt how Hoseok's strong arms pulled him out of the car, he wasn't able to walk so he just clashed against the other man's warm chest, while Hoseok tried to pull the transponder out of his pants, basically stroking his thighs and crotch. Kyungwon gasped, unable to help the response. He felt like he had been starving for years, inhibitions dissipating into thin air just like cigarette smoke.

As soon as Hoseok managed to open the door to his loft, Kyungwon curled his arms tighter around the other man's broad neck and exhaled against his lips, desperation moving up his throat the closer they got.

“Let's get you into your bed,” Hoseok muttered and lifted him after he didn't comply. Kyungwon held on although he disliked being babied, using the muscles that listened to him to tighten his grip.

“Are you giving me pity, Hoseok?” he asked quietly, staring at the blonde man's almost black eyes. Only his bedside lamp shed light on their faces. Kyungwon always kept it turned on throughout the night.

“I wish,” Hoseok answered and tried to let his body sink on the sheets, but he curled his legs tighter and the blonde man fell on top of him.

“Then what is it that you are giving me?” he whispered and grabbed fists full of Hoseok’s hair and his t-shirt, keeping the other man on top of him. It was so warm, the opposite of the biting cold that he had endured outside. “Can't you give me yourself?”

“Am I giving you anything besides pain?” the other man asked quietly. “You- you're drunk, so brush your teeth and then let's go to bed.”

Kyungwon didn't reply to the first question, merely closing his eyes and pulling Hoseok further on top of himself, enough to carry all of his weight.

“Are you going to leave? Don't you fucking dare, Hoseok. I'm tired of being alone, I can't fucking take this,” he hissed and buried his head in the crook of the blonde man's neck. He smelled like Hyungwon's detergent and Hyungwon's shower gel.

_You probably smell like vodka._

“What the fuck am I supposed to do if you're like this? Why aren't you fucking happy, Kyungwon?” Hoseok’s low voice whispered right next to his ear while the other man propped himself up on one arm, trying not to squish him.

“Because I need you to be happy,” he replied, eyes meeting Hoseok’s dark ones, burning just like the alcohol in his blood. “Because I've been trying to forget, to stop wanting you for over a year, Hoseok. It's not working. It doesn't fucking work. I'm not a fucking doll, but whatever it is you're doing, it's breaking me.”

He heard how Hoseok swallowed repeatedly before he leaned back, focusing his gaze on his face.

“Well, fuck,” the other man whispered and leaned in, pressing his warm, curved lips against his. The touch was sudden, almost like burning lava against his mouth. It should have been a kiss like any other but the mere knowledge that it was Hoseok, the person he wished to be close to for the past year, drove him mad. Whatever Kyungwon had attempted to tell himself about the proximity being meaningless. It wasn't, it was everything he had ever wanted.

His body burned, and he curled his limbs around Hoseok’s muscular frame, tilting the blonde man's head by pulling his hair and licking between his curved lips. He needed the contact, he needed it so much that he felt he was about to die without it, to just cease existing.

_Because it's just yours for a second in time._

“I need you, I need you so fucking much, Hoseok, I can't be alone like this anymore,” he murmured against the warmth that Hoseok’s lips provided and wished he could just stop time, to make the moment last without any repercussions and hurt feelings, without consequences and risks.

Hoseok kissed back and let himself fall to the side, taking him along and curling one arm around his waist while the other stroked up his shoulders and neck until his hand settled in his black hair.

“I can't do this, the excuses don't work, nothing works, fuck,” he muttered and licked into his mouth desperately. Kyungwon felt like his whole body was only focusing on the perceptions that the other man was able to evoke in him, the way his hands brushed along his waist and shoulders, how fingertips massaged his scalp and pulled him deeper into the intimate kiss at the same time. He knew it was wrong and that they shouldn't have but he just couldn't help it.

_You never wanted anything as much as you want him._

“I love you, Hoseok, you fucking asshole,” he pressed out and pulled his left leg on top of Hoseok, pulling the muscular body closer to his. He wished to forget, to stop thinking and to stop feeling the pressure of guilt in his chest. “How dare you always be so affectionate with me? I can't let go like this. I feel like I can't let go ever, fuck.”

“You're drunk, you probably don't even know what you're doing and I'm just using it, fuck,” Hoseok muttered before attaching his lips to his plump mouth and gasping at the movement of Kyungwon’s leg on his thigh.

“I don't love you any less when I'm sober, dick,” Kyungwon moaned into the blonde man's mouth and pulled at his shirt, scared that Hoseok would stand up and leave, return to Hyungwon where he belonged. “Shit, don't leave, Hoseok, don't you dare leave.”

Placing a kiss on his lips, Hoseok broke the contact and stood up, walking out of the room and closing the door behind himself. Kyungwon hated crying, so he didn't. Instead he curled his arms around himself and merely screamed loudly in frustration, hating Hoseok for just standing up like that without a word and himself for loving the other man although he was taken. It was like a never-ending circle, each touch only resulting in more memories that would come back to torture him.

It wasn't a lie that your first love stayed.

Kyungwon had just hoped that it stayed in your memory.

 

***

 

Everything was perfect, really. Over the past year the love of his life, Hyungwon, had gotten much better with his therapy and medication and the dance school he spent every second of his precious time at was going well. He himself had started work and although he missed his time at the pharmacy, working in a big company and making medication was still something that gave him the feeling of being useful.

If there wasn't this one tiny problem.

_You can't be in love with two people at once, Hoseok, you're just fucking greedy._

It was getting hard, after Kyungwon had stopped coming by that often, they were almost never alone, but the tension between them had gotten worse, so much worse. The worst part was that he didn’t have any excuses anymore. It wasn’t about both brothers looking identical, he was able to distinguish them easily now, small changes in facial expressions and micro gestures were enough to determine whether it was Hyungwon or his brother. The excuses vanished but the feelings didn’t. They stayed and developed each time the confident, black-haired man talked, looked at him or touched him on purpose. It was somehow okay, okay to stay away and to act as if he was busy or wasn’t interested in the conversation.

Hoseok really thought about it, so many times. It wasn’t about Hyungwon. He loved Hyungwon and everything about his boyfriend was more than enough for him. It wasn’t a longing resulting from a lack of something.

_Which is why it’s just fucking greedy, Hoseok._

He had everything, he was happy, happy with Hyungwon, but he was still in love. In love with another person.

_This is fucking sick, it’s not supposed to be like this._

He couldn’t really talk to Hyungwon about it, he was too afraid that the other man would think that he wasn’t enough for Hoseok, or that he needed something else in addition because he was bored or whatever.

_You just want both. Like a greedy bastard._

He had almost said it, the last time him and Kyungwon had been alone in their kitchen, talking about being close, he had almost said that he was in love, that he was too scared to make a step, to damage his relationship with Hyungwon and to hurt Kyungwon in the process, because in the end he had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to do in a situation like this.

_Just shut up and take it, there are people who have real problems._

Like Kyungwon, who had called, drunk and obviously not really aware of what he was saying. He sounded angry and bitter. Because of him, because of Hoseok and his inability to act around the other man. He had told Hyungwon that he’d take his brother home and his boyfriend just nodded, telling him to stay over, because Kyungwon hated sleeping alone.

_You can’t do it. You’ll just snap._

It was not okay. Kyungwon was not okay, he was not okay, the only person who seemed okay was Hyungwon whom he had called to tell him that he would stay over at Kyungwon’s place. That was the least that he could do.

“Sure, please stay with him, he really hates sleeping alone and he’s really not okay lately. I think he’ll be better if you stay.”

Hoseok swallowed and couldn’t help wondering why Hyungwon was so relaxed about it. It was also not the type of fake the other man was able to pull when he had an onslaught of depressive thoughts. Hoseok was able to identify that immediately, this time it seemed genuine.

“But, I’m scared, Hyungwon. Don’t you want to stay over? I just- I don’t want to leave him alone here, he’s really miserable,” he murmured, heartbeat picking up and genuinely hoping that his boyfriend would give him the possibility to run away from this once again.

“It’ll be fine, I have an early training session tomorrow and it’s the weekend for you, please do me this favor. I love you.” Hyungwon sounded so confident and relaxed although Hoseok had just told his boyfriend about his fears. The other man didn’t stutter either.

_It’s almost as if he knows._

Hoseok swallowed and leaned against the wall, contemplating what he could do as soon as he walked back into the room. He was genuinely scared. Of himself.

_But you can’t just ditch him, Hoseok. You want this, don’t you? It’s just that you shouldn’t be wanting this, and he should’ve been over you instead of telling you that he loves you and accusing you of breaking him._

_But you are breaking him. Because you’re a coward._

Shaking his head furiously, he entered the room, spotting the tall, black-haired man on the bed, hugging himself. It hurt to see.

“I’m staying over,” he whispered and stepped closer, sitting down on the edge of the high futon bed.

“Did you tell Hyungwon?” the black-haired man murmured. It sounded almost accusatory with the way he didn't even lift his head, keeping his arms around his slim shoulders. As soon as Hoseok was able to glance at the dark brown eyes, the same feeling from before returned. Kyungwon looked devastated, trying to mask it with fake bravado and ignorance. “I wouldn't want him to see me like this. Did you decide not to be a coward for once? I'm proud of you, baby.”

“You’re such a fool, Kyungwon,” he whispered and lay down next to the other man, not sure whether it was okay to touch him. He didn't need to think about it for long as long fingers instantly curled around his neck and Kyungwon crawled on top of him, leaning in and staring at him intently. He smelled like a mixture of vodka and lemon.

“A fool in love. Never thought I'd find myself in this situation,” he whispered, chuckling at himself right after and brushing Hoseok’s bangs back with his right hand. Soft, plump lips touched his forehead, just for a second.

Hoseok looked up, staring at the other man’s features. It was obvious how he never hesitated and never removed his gaze, how he almost never abused his lips like Hyungwon, but chewed his cheek instead, how his affectionate gaze was different from the way Hyungwon looked at him. Kyungwon was beautiful. Different, but equally beautiful.

He sucked in a breath and let his finger trace the other man’s perfectly shaped eyebrows, stroking over his nose bridge and down to his plump, red lips, following his movements with his eyes and sucking in every single twitch on Kyungwon’s face.

“You’re driving me nuts,” he whispered and licked his lips.

“Funny, Hyungwon said that you say the same when you sleep with him,” Kyungwon replied, licking over his lips and laughing shortly, as if at himself. “I called a guy by your name today. Three times. He was rather pissed, ditched me in the middle of it.” The black-haired man appeared to slur his words less, time doing its work.

_You say the same? Because it feels like it with both of them._

“I’m sorry that you didn’t score. Was that the reason for calling me and telling me that I ruined your life?” he asked and broke the contact, letting his hand fall next to his head.

“No, it was the trigger for realizing that there is no fucking reason for me to deal with this on my own. It's not just about me, it's also about you who runs away whenever I'm involved, as if I'm the personification of the black death. It's fucked up and I'm tired of not getting my shit together. If Hyungwon wasn’t my brother I wouldn't be giving a single shit.” Kyungwon sounded frustrated, still remaining on top of Hoseok and watching his expressions intently while he talked, like he wanted to see everything.

_You’d love to run away now too._

“What do you want me to do?” He put both arms behind his head and stared at Kyungwon, who looked absolutely gorgeous although he was drunk as fuck.

“Tell me the truth. Why the fuck are you running away? What exactly is the problem? Is it me? Am I still too fucking touchy? If yes, then what the actual fuck is wrong with you? If it's you, shouldn't you be able to control your libido if your problem is that I'm hot? I don't fucking get it, Hoseok. You give so much love and affection to every-fucking-body, so why am I the only one who has to suffer like this?” Kyungwon spoke fast, hitting his broad chest with his big palm whenever he emphasized something, emotions obvious.

“How drunk are you, Kyungwon?” Hoseok asked and felt how his heartbeat hammered against his chest, he suppressed the reflex to turn and pin the other man down under his body.

A spark of anger passed over the black-haired man's face, eyebrows pulling together just like his plump lips.

“Fuck you, Hoseok. Even when I'm drunk I know what I'm feeling, I just don't have the inhibitions to think about other people apart from myself. I'll never tell you anything if I don’t now, so fucking listen for once instead of pulling your fucking dick between your butt cheeks and running away.”

“But what if you’re dreaming all this? Lying here with me? Isn’t this utopia? I’m in your bed, looking at you and listening to what you have to say without running away, telling you that it’s actually my problem because I love you too,” he whispered and got even quieter towards the end, staring into Kyungwon’s big eyes.

The other man gaped at him, parting his lips to reply but stopping just as Hoseok finished speaking. Kyungwon’s eyes were big, wonder and disbelief obvious as they passed over Hoseok’s eyes, nose and finally to his lips.

“But- but why would you love me, Hoseok? You have Hyungwon, it- it doesn't make sense.”

“Mhm. I have Hyungwon and I love Hyungwon, but I’m still in love with you. Which is why you’re probably dreaming. And I am too.” He sighed and closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, trying to calm his heartbeat.

“It's not a dream,” Kyungwon whispered and chewed on his cheek. His fingers slid up Hoseok’s chest, travelling over his pecs and abdomen until they moved back up. “Because if it was you would be kissing me by now.”

_But kissing won’t solve anything. It’ll make it more complicated and fucked up._

Sure, Hoseok was a hypocrite. He had been kissing Kyungwon for the past twenty minutes, but it was different somehow after he had confessed in the most cowardly way possible. He knew that it was stupid, and he knew that inhibitions were there for a reason, but he was never good at rejecting the marshmallows, so he turned them both, pinning Kyungwon onto the mattress and clashing their lips together.

It felt intense, the way the other man instantly curled his arms around him and tried to take control, pulling his hair forcefully to tilt his head. It seemed desperate and hungry, fitting to the way Kyungwon gasped into his mouth.

It was different, everything felt different. He was used to Hyungwon’s submissiveness and it made him think about his hook-ups back in the days when his lifestyle had resembled Kyungwon’s. Back when he didn’t have a boyfriend.

_But you have a boyfriend now and are making out with his twin-brother._

The thought was ignored successfully and Hoseok let most of his weight rest on the slim man below him, forcing him to reduce his movements.

Kyungwon’s left hand scratched along his back, as if in an action of rebellion. The fingers of the other man’s right hand remained in the blonde strands of his hair, still pulling with vigor.

“I know it's wrong, but I can't get myself to stop. I never thought I would be a person like this,” the gorgeous man murmured and returned his plump lips to Hoseok’s, biting down on his curved bottom lip and pulling it.

“I told you, I told you to not do this to me, I fucking told you that I won’t be able to stop,” Hoseok groaned and nibbled on Kyungwon’s jaw before leaning down and biting into the incredibly soft skin of his neck that smelled like alcohol, cigarettes and some expensive perfume.

A beautiful moan left the plump lips, completely unrestrained and as if it was meant just for him. He could feel how Kyungwon spread his legs and curled then further around his body, attempting to use the grip to turn them unsuccessfully. For that Hoseok simply had too much body mass, at least while resting most of his weight on top of the black-haired man.

“Shit, I don't know what to do about this. What the fuck is the right thing to do?” Kyungwon murmured as his lips parted in another unrestrained sound, almost vibrating through Hoseok’s body with its proximity.

_What is the right thing to do, Hoseok?_

“Force you to brush your teeth and go to bed acting as if this never happened,” Hoseok hissed, licking over Kyungwon’s earlobe and sucking on the sensitive spot behind the other man’s curled ear. The black-haired man didn't react as much as Hyungwon did and just pulled at his hair with more force.

“But it won't make the fucking feelings go away, you idiot,” Kyungwon almost yelled at him and scratched over his back, digging his fingers into his muscles and tightening the grip of his long legs around his hips. It was almost as if he wished to keep him from leaving. “So, what if you pretend nothing happened? It will be the same fucking thing all over again. I'm not doing this anymore, I'm not a fucking doll, I won’t be hurt like this.”

Hoseok hissed at the force but adjusted immediately. He could still remember how Kyungwon’s lips and nails felt against his skin. He was rough.

“Then don’t get hurt, fuck. It would be easier if it was just me.” He let his fingers slip into the other man’s black hair, pulling it lightly and licking into his parted mouth. Kyungwon sucked his lower lip into his mouth and almost clashed their teeth together with how he pulled Hoseok on top of himself. No matter how much time passed, the kisses didn't turn any less desperate.

“I can't fucking forget you, Hoseok. I tried, I tried so fucking much but I just like you. I love your stupid face and the way you pour milk in your coffee and how you smile at me when I visit. Fuck, I can't fucking do it, shit.” The black-haired man mustered a sudden burst of strength and pushed Hoseok to the side, almost throwing him on the sheets before climbing on top of him instantly and capturing his lips in a fierce kiss. The plump lips travelled further over his neck, biting into the skin and mixing quick sparks of pain with pleasure. Licking downwards and dipping his tongue into his collarbones, Kyungwon lifted his shirt up, biting into the firm skin of his abdominal muscles. Although his hands were stroking over his pale skin, the lean man on top of him attempted to limit his motions, putting his knees on top of Hoseok’s arms.

Hoseok was confused. He wanted to kiss Kyungwon, to undress him, to worship his body and he wanted to fucking fight him with how demanding he was, just doing whatever he wanted.

“If you want me to stay still you have to ask nicely, before I throw you down from the bed,” he hissed lifting Kyungwon’s knees ten centimeters into the air to show what he meant.

“Fuck you,” Kyungwon hissed back and bit into his hip, painfully. The black-haired man's right hand reached up and pinched his nipple, pairing the sensation with experienced licks of his pink tongue, dipping into his navel. It felt extremely nice, but Hoseok couldn’t really register it because he was ready to fight. Cupping Kyungwon’s knees he lifted his upper body and threw the other man over so that he landed on his back in the lower half of the bed. It took a second to pin him down by taking both of his hands and adding Hoseok’s weight, he made sure that there were no knees between his legs. Kyungwon was drunk and he could’ve kicked him.

_He totally would’ve._

“No, fuck you. Why the fuck are you making me snap like this? Just brush your fucking teeth and go to bed, I have enough of a headache without having feelings for your demanding ass.” Hoseok leaned close and licked over his lips, feeling how his heartbeat got faster due to the adrenaline.

Kyungwon growled and immediately leaned forward as much as he could and sunk his teeth into Hoseok’s lower lip, sucking it into his mouth and moaning at the action. His big brown eyes were fierce, watching him without a break, lean muscles tense although Kyungwon had no hope of escaping.

_Maybe you should just let him scratch out your eyes, so you can go to bed and not do stupid things that you’re constantly thinking about doing._

“What? Want to hurt me? Maybe you should so we can go to sleep, but you just keep riling me up and it drives me crazy, fuck,” he murmured and leaned down, burying his teeth in the crook of Kyungwon’s neck before letting him go and reducing the weight he was pinning the other man down with. He was blessed with a loud, open mouthed moan as hands curled around his neck and pushed him closer again, pulling at the strands of his hair to lead him to the black-haired man's collarbones.

“Not ‘nuts’?” Kyungwon gasped, scratching along his back again. “Maybe it's not enough then.” Rolling his hips upwards in a smooth motion, the other man hooked his legs behind Hoseok’s knees to bend them and pushed him backwards until he was sitting on his own calves. Only a few seconds passed until he had Kyungwon on top his thighs, arms curled around his neck and strong grip in his hair forcing him to throw his head back, perfect for an open-mouthed kiss.

“Don't pretend like you're the one suffering, Hoseok. You have Hyungwon, you're not alone, you get so much in return whereas I have to deal with my pointless affection, my inability to sleep alone and the fact that you also took the only person I was able to open up to.”

He opened his eyes immediately and leaned back. Of course, Kyungwon was at a loss objectively, but still it was terrifying. To be in love with another person, your boyfriend’s twin brother. To be scared to ruin the relationship while not being able to give the other person you love the affection you would love to give, it was a mess.

“You’re right. That’s why we should sleep,” he whispered and crawled from under Kyungwon’s body before standing up and walking in the direction of the bathroom.

“I love Hyungwon more than I love you and that's the reason for my demise,” Kyungwon called after him, voice barely audible as the other man let himself fall to the bed, not bothering to follow him to the bathroom.

He brushed his teeth with one of the new toothbrushes Kyungwon hoarded in masses in his cupboard.

_One-night-stand culture._

He couldn’t help but feel like one of them although it was bullshit and they hadn’t even slept with each other, they just kissed and confessed to each other in between the cursing, like fucking idiots. After washing his face with cold water, he returned and took off his shirt and pants without saying anything and lay down next to Kyungwon, pulling the thick blanket over his almost naked body.

“Take your clothes off,” he said and stared at the handsome man while resting his head on one arm.

“I don't do what other people tell me to do,” Kyungwon hissed at him and buried his face in a pillow. He didn't look particularly fierce when he did that, rather the opposite. “Especially if you won't give me what I want anyway. And you shouldn't give me what I want either, fuck.”

“What the fuck do you want, Kyungwon?” Hoseok asked and shifted, coming closer and staring at the black-haired man who was still obviously tipsy.

_Good that you didn’t do anything. Thank him for saying all that, so you were at least able to stop._

“You,” Kyungwon whispered and slowly lifted his head from the pillow, meeting his eyes with those big, almost black ones, expression so emotional that it was difficult to take. “I want you, Hoseok.”

“I want you too, I’m just greedy,” he murmured and bit down on his lower lip to suppress more emotional semantic output that had almost left his lips. “Come on, take your clothes off, or do you want me to take them off for you?”

A small smile appeared on Kyungwon’s handsome features, removing some of the sadness that was so painfully obvious.

“At least you could be useful,” he commented and pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it on top of a chair on the side instead of on the floor as Hoseok had done. Once he had opened the button on his ripped jeans and pulled down the zipper he lifted his right leg and stretched it out towards Hoseok, obviously waiting for him to pull the ripped fabric down his endless legs.

_There will be no salvation for you, Hoseok._

He sighed and pulled the jeans, leaving the other man in tight armani underwear.

_How the fuck didn’t you know back then? Hyungwon even wears different underwear._

Kyungwon hissed and bit down on his cheek. His dark eyes watched Hoseok intently as the fabric revealed the dark, golden skin of his legs. Drawing a deep breath, the gorgeous man let his right foot move over Hoseok’s bicep and chest, tentatively, as he made his way downwards.

_Fuck._

Sucking in a breath, Hoseok caught the other man’s ankle just before it brushed over his crotch.

“Don’t test me,” he whispered and loosened his grip, curling his arms around the other man’s waist instead and pulling him flush against his chest. The defiance that had sparked up at his words dissipated almost instantly after the embrace. Kyungwon circled his lean arms around him and exhaled against his chest, breaths shaky.

“Still feels like a dream, but I know that it isn't,” he murmured and placed a soft kiss below Hoseok’s left collar bone.

“Let’s hope that it’ll get better tomorrow,” he whispered back and stroked over Kyungwon’s black hair. He smelled different compared to Hyungwon and he somehow also felt different, but Hoseok still felt for him.

 

_

It was warm, like always, there were also limbs everywhere, but that's just how Hyungwon was, he had gotten used to it when he shifted and felt a morning erection pressing against his stomach. Sucking in a breath, he couldn't help opening his eyes at the unfamiliar scent.

_Shit. Hoseok, you stayed over. At Kyungwon’s place. And you told him that you're in love with him._

Thinking further he let out a sigh at the fact that he thankfully didn't go completely nuts and fuck Hyungwon's twin brother alias the person he was also in love with, like a greedy bastard who couldn't get enough.

_But what the fuck are you going to do now? Pretend that it never happened?_

Lying with a dick pressed into his stomach and naked skin all over his body was a bad start to pretend that nothing had happened. Kyungwon was probably hungover as fuck and would remain asleep, so he tried to move.

“Stay where you fucking are,” a low and rough voice hissed at him as the other man's naked limbs only tightened. Apparently Kyungwon was a light sleeper, much unlike his brother.

_That went well._

“Aren't you hungover? Just let your last brain cell rest and let me go brush my teeth,” Hoseok muttered and shifted a little, painfully aware of his own semi-aroused state.

“I'm hungover every third day or so, Hoseok. It doesn't fucking matter, I still manage to stand up and go to work. How the fuck do you think I survived high school? You give me more of a headache than this,” Kyungwon replied and grabbed a fistful of Hoseok’s hair, just for the hell of it apparently.

“But shouldn't you throw me out if I'm the one giving you headaches instead of pulling my hair and rubbing your dick against me? That won't solve the problem, will it?” He still curled an arm around Kyungwon’s waist and roamed over his warm, smooth back.

“It hurts less than when you're not here,” the black-haired man whispered and lifted his head, staring at him with his slightly puffy face and marks on his cheeks from sleeping on top of Hoseok for a whole night. “I'll just drown in work or meaningless sex when you leave and I'm not sure I can take any of those right now, fuck.”

He swallowed and felt his hands tightening on Kyungwon’s sides from his own emotional response.

“I- I’ll stay a little longer,” he whispered and leaned in, kissing the other man's thick lips. The touch was soft and brief, accompanied by Kyungwon’s fingertips that stroked over his naked skin.

“But you will still leave,” the beautiful man on top of him whispered and smiled. He could have punched Hoseok in the stomach too, it would have had the same effect. “What will you tell Hyungwon?”

_Yes, you genius. You want to be genuine with him, so you have to tell him but what the fuck will you say? That you fell in love with his brother too? That it's not that he's not enough, but it's just something that developed over time without you realizing? It's bullshit, it was there when you told him not to touch you._

“I don't know but I have to talk to him. He- he was strangely relaxed when I told him last night, it was plain weird. I even told him that I was scared and that I wanted him to come, but he refused.”

Kyungwon’s eyes widened a little as something like realization appeared on his face, quickly followed by discomfort.

“He told me to talk to you, but I obviously said no,” he murmured and propped up on one elbow, leaving one leg sprawled over Hoseok’s body and rubbing his thigh along his abdomen.

“That's weird, but he probably realized that there's something up, so he wanted us to talk it out. I don't think he meant me almost going nuts though,” he commented and bit down on his lower lip, feeling bitter all of a sudden.

_Because he trusts you and you pull shit like this. And it's not even meaningless shit._

“I don't think you should tell him,” Kyungwon whispered, chewing on his cheek and glancing to the side. It was always a bad sign. “I don't want you to break anything, it's going really well and he's happy. It's just me. I'm not happy.”

“It's bullshit, Kyungwon. If I was fine you could've gotten over it, maybe. But because I keep responding and acting like this you're miserable. I want you to be happy so badly.” He felt bad, but it was a mess. Pressing Kyungwon closer, he kissed him again, stroking over his black hair and enjoying the way his body felt lying on top of his.

“Did you mean what you said last night? Much like you predicted, I'm suddenly doubting whether I didn't accidentally dream it. It seems too utopic,” the gorgeous man whispered and got up, sitting down on top of Hoseok’s lap. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to his lips, big palms placed on each side of his head. Kyungwon was gorgeous with how his thighs rested on each side of Hoseok’s hips and how lean his body was, arms and abdomen defined.

“I'm afraid I did,” Hoseok whispered, perfectly aware of the fact that Kyungwon would remember it and let it influence his actions. His expectations had been accurate as nails dug into his shoulder just as lips clashed against his, kiss intense and rough in its essence, much like the night before.

“You shouldn't have said that,” Kyungwon whispered as he let go suddenly, allowing Hoseok to fall back to the sheets. It was the same defense mechanism Hoseok had seen countless times, like an impenetrable wall.

The black-haired man stood up, perfectly in control of his body despite the hangover, so much unlike Hyungwon. “And you should also go back. I told you that I care about Hyungwon, I don't want him to get hurt.”

_Wow._

“Then just act as if it never happened,” he said as if to himself, before he got dressed and left the spacious loft, knowing that he'd have to explain the bite on his neck and his abused lips to his boyfriend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

It was morning but still he was standing on his balcony and smoking again, watching the way people ran around and took care of their Saturday business, shopping for bread rolls and cake while he had very different worries.

_Shit, if only getting the best stroopwafel could be your main concern._

He chuckled at his own thoughts and killed the small spark of his cigarette by pushing it into the porcelain surface of the vase. It didn't seem to care much, not even taking damage from the action. Even the fucking vase that his ignorant mother had given him was doing a better job at being bulletproof than he was.

Hoseok had left after brushing his teeth furiously and just telling him to forget what happened. It was hilarious, especially with the way a red mark had blossomed on the blonde man's neck, much like the tiny cracks in his lips. Even if they pretended that nothing had happened, Hyungwon couldn't.

_You ruined it for him, didn't you? Much like before._

Kyungwon’s feelings were complicated, different than he would have expected. He should have felt happy at knowing that his feelings were returned, that there must have been something about him that let Hoseok’s heart beat faster in his chest, independent of his resemblance to Hyungwon.

_But is it really independent? That's what he says._

He didn't know, there was something about the way Hoseok had acted with him. It had been very different from the way he acted with his shy and submissive brother, careful and affectionate. Kyungwon was like a viscous cat in comparison.

_The two of you are like a spark meeting gasoline, a fucking explosion._

It felt surreal to have Hoseok love him back, to harbour feelings for him. The blonde man should have been loving his brother, giving him his affection while acting nonchalant with Kyungwon and letting him finally forget and get over him. Instead the blonde man was fueling the fire.

But there was no solution. There was nothing that Kyungwon would have been able to do about their mutual feelings apart from acting behind Hyungwon's back. But he didn't want to, he didn't want to be a person like that, not with Hyungwon.

_He's your second half. He was back then, and he still is._

Kyungwon just wished he knew Hoseok’s place in the equation.

Was it even possible to love two people at the same time?

Probably not.

 

_

 

It was frustrating how easy it was to return to routine and feel like nothing had happened at all. Kyungwon still went to work and although he hadn't really been partying over the past few days he compensated for all that sudden free time with work and having difficulties in falling asleep. It was amazing, really.

Slamming the door of his Porsche, he made sure not to spill the take away coffee he had gotten from Emma and sprinted up the stairs, hoping that it would do as a workout because he had no strength to leave the house again that day. It was already 11 PM anyway and his next meeting was at 6AM.

_You can celebrate another night of unsuccessful sleep while thinking up unrealistic scenarios in which Hoseok will come to you, hell yeah._

He hung up his coat and slipped out of his shoes before he arranged the contents of his shoulder bag, removing the files he didn't need any more and filling up a bottle of water, so he wouldn't have to do that in the early morning.

Upon walking further into the living space, his eyes were instantly met with the shiny, red message button on his home phone. There was only one possibility.

_Mom or dad._

Kyungwon wanted to grab it and throw it out of the window much like the rest of his furniture and that stupid toothbrush that Hoseok had used and left on the sink.

_Couldn't he have thrown it away at least?_

Kyungwon wasn't very attached to things, not at all actually because he was always able to get new ones in case something happened. But that stupid toothbrush just stayed in the transparent cup next to his for the third day in a row and he did absolutely nothing about it.

Sighing at himself, he unbuttoned his formal shirt and slipped out of his suit pants. He had a heap for those and someone who picked them up and brought them back cleaned. He had no time for stuff like that and it was nice to be able to get rid of some of the responsibilities.

_Hoseok took Hyungwon from your shoulders as well._

But Hyungwon had felt the least like a responsibility and more like a friend. A friend that he was hurting with his constant pining after his boyfriend.

The sudden sound of the bell forced Kyungwon to run to his bed and pull something vaguely acceptable as clothes over his head before he moved to the door and opened it.

Hyungwon was smiling at him, dressed in his dance clothes and with a gigantic sports bag over his shoulder. He shouldn't have been dancing at 11 PM.

“You came from dancing? Shouldn't you have been home by now?” Kyungwon murmured and pulled his bathrobe further around himself to avoid the cold breeze that entered his loft along with Hyungwon.

“I wanted to see you and since you're home late and closer to the studio I just practiced choreos until I thought you would be done,” Hyungwon explained and threw his sports bag to the side. Then his brother’s eyes widened, and he pointed at himself. “But I showered so I don't stink or anything!”

He was adorable and Kyungwon couldn't suppress the smile that instantly blossomed on his face.

“What gives me the honor, Won?” he asked with a grin and filled a glass with water for his brother because it was a little too late for coffee. “I have smoothies too, but I think the passion fruit one is a little too exotic for you.”

Hyungwon nodded quickly and let himself fall to the couch, looking around. The way the black-haired man held himself, body tired from dancing but eyes wide and attentive, reminded Kyungwon of why his adorable but busy brother might have come all the way to his place at night.

_He must have talked to Hoseok. He's a little tense._

“Are you okay, Kyungwon?” Hyungwon asked, smile still present but worry pulling his eyebrows together.

“Sure, just a lot of work as always,” Kyungwon replied nonchalantly and poured a glass of smoothie for himself. Once he was done he sat next to Hyungwon to not be too weird, acting was hard in front of the black-haired man, much harder than it was in front of Hoseok.

“Kyungwon, I know that you worked a lot before too and I know that you're not okay. I mean- you don't have to talk to me about it if you really don't want to, but I just want to help. I'm worried and I don't think it has to be like this.” Hyungwon pulled his lower lip upwards and it resembled an expression of pity. His brother might not have intended it, but the spark of anger in Kyungwon’s chest was there anyway.

_Sure, if you could finally stop being in love with his boyfriend it would stop being like this._

“But there isn't much we can do about it, Hyungwon. I just need some more time and then I'll be able to do a beautiful Zwilling knife cut through the whole thing and live happily ever after while cuddling my work and you when you have time. Just like before,” he elaborated and felt a painful feeling spread in his chest, pulling it together just like his lungs, oxygen barely getting to his head.

“It's been a year,” Hyungwon whispered and bit down on his bottom lip, abusing it without mercy as his long fingers dug into the fabric of his sports pants. He was worried.

“I know and maybe it'll be another one, but I'm fine. It's not like I'm dying.” He chuckled and shrugged, taking a quick sip of his smoothie to have something to do with his face apart from looking miserable. He didn't want to look miserable.

“You are on the inside.” Hyungwon looked so fucking sad, reaching out and curling his slim arms around his neck, providing warmth that Kyungwon had missed for fucking ever.

“That looks different,” he whispered back and hugged his brother in return, pulling him on top of himself to be able to hide his face in the crook of his neck. “We just need to stay away from each other.”

“I think you need to talk and not stay away from each other.” Hyungwon's voice was strangely firm, like he was convinced of his own words, stroking over Kyungwon's hair in the meantime.

It was bullshit

“You saw what happens when we're together, talking won't solve anything,” he murmured and bit down on his cheek to remain composed. It was basically impossible when Hyungwon was the strong one. Like it was sufficient if one of them was fine, allowing the other to crack and cry.

“I think that's because you didn't really talk, you just- avoid talking.”

_You scream at each other and kiss._

“Please, don't make it more complicated than it already is, Hyungwon. I- I got used to dealing with it and once we return to how it was for the past year it'll be just fine.”

His brother didn't reply, merely stroking over his hair and placing a careful kiss on top of his head, like he wished for him to calm down.

Only when the two of them had gotten ready for bed, lying in a tight embrace covered by his thick blanket, did Kyungwon allow himself to breathe properly, enjoying the familiar scent and hoping that he would be fine in the end.

“It won't return to how it was,” Hyungwon's voice whispered next to him, so quiet that it could have been his imagination, attempting to torture him.

“It will,” he murmured just in case, closing his eyes and begging his determination to be right for once.

 

_

 

It felt nice to be able to forget his problems again, drinking a light cocktail to not embarrass himself with his lack of inhibition and dancing as much as his hips allowed him. Hyungwon was lucky there, able to dance for hours on end and only falling over because he was a cute stick with no stamina.

Kyungwon smiled at the thought and took another sip of his brightly colored drink. More than a week had passed and still he hadn't been able to motivate himself to visit Hyungwon and Hoseok. It just seemed like he wouldn't be able to keep his composure, do or say something stupid and not only make it hard on Hoseok but also ruin it for his brother. It was safer like this, drowning in work and the crowd, music passing through his body in heavy bass waves.

Looking around his eyes fell on a broad-shouldered beauty sitting at the bar. Kyungwon didn't know about the muscular man being a beauty yet, but he appeared to fulfil his current taste. In addition, he was willing to compromise if necessary. For some reason he had this belief since the time Hoseok and him were alone in their kitchen that he just needed to look for someone similar and fall in love with them instead.

_With someone that you can actually get._

But then again, Kyungwon didn't doubt that he could get Hoseok. That wasn't the problem, not at all. The problem was that he shouldn't and mustn't.

Smiling brightly, he sat down next to the muscular, blonde guy and brushed his hair away from his forehead for effect.

“Enjoying the gin, babe?” he asked and waited for the other man to turn.

The blonde man turned around slowly, eyes widening and teeth settling on his pretty bottom lip. His prettily curved lip.

_Oh fuck._

“I think I shouldn't have had the last one,” he murmured.

Kyungwon was almost amused by his ability to identify Hoseok and be attracted to him in a club filled with over 600 people, but the fact that he had a probably tipsy Hoseok in front of him didn't allow him the amusement. He didn't know why the two of them were constantly being like this.

“And why did you drink it?” he asked and couldn't help skidding closer, burn in his chest intensifying the longer his eyes moved over the other man's beautiful features.

_Why would he drink like that? Because of you?_

“The reality is less fucked up,” Hoseok murmured and downed the rest of his drink, not reacting to it probably tasting like ethanol.

“Still it doesn't change, does it? I just kill my inhibitions with it, but why would you?”

Hoseok turned to him watching him intently before raising an eyebrow.

“Ah, you're looking for meaningless sex I suppose. Sorry, can't give you meaningless sex, you're wasting your time,” the blonde man commented and gestured for another gin that the bartender prepared immediately.

That fucking bastard.

Kyungwon clenched his fists and exhaled through his nose before grabbing Hoseok’s collar and forcing him to fucking look at him properly.

“I don't want meaningless sex you goddamn piece of shit. I want you and preferably a life that works out without heartbreak and you sitting here like your life is already over,” he hissed at him and grabbed the gin once it was placed in front of the blonde man, drinking it for him. “Let's go, you're not drinking anymore, or I'll have to peel you off the fucking concrete.”

“I never said that my life was over, I'm responsible for all this, so it's okay, I'm just drinking to forget it for at least a couple of hours. I can't go yet, I told Hyungwon that I'm staying over at Kihyun's place, but he has company so-,” Hoseok mumbled gesturing wildly in front of his face. He was obviously tipsy as fuck.

“Then you're coming with me,” Kyungwon hissed and curled his long fingers around Hoseok’s wrist, pulling him along. Sure, maybe he should have just called Hyungwon, asked him to pick up his tipsy boyfriend, or just took him home, but he was too greedy for that. He didn't even want to kiss Hoseok, he just wanted to punch him in the face for being miserable when he should have been the happy one. What the hell was the point of both of them feeling like shit? That's not how it was supposed to be.

Finding Kihyun in the crowd with his tongue down some girls’ throat, he tapped his shoulder roughly and gestured to him that he was taking Hoseok along. The other man lifted an eyebrow but nodded and returned to what he had been doing.

“Isn't it funny? How I need a split second to know that it's you although I was so confused before,“ Hoseok's low voice commented behind him.

“Time passed and you're one attentive motherfucker,” Kyungwon replied loudly to be able to scream over the deafening music. He didn't waste time as he pulled Hoseok through the mass of people and finally out of the club, turning at the first crossing to get to his car. He had parked randomly and there was a small fine on the windshield, but he couldn't give less shits.

“Get in,” he hissed at Hoseok and brushed through his hair to calm down. He didn't even know why he was so angry in the first place. He should have been happy to have the blonde man next to him, to get attention and to spend time with him, even if he was drunk.

_You hate pity parties and now you're organizing one all by yourself._

“But I wanted to stay away from you. I have no inhibition.” Hoseok looked as if he was talking to himself while climbing into the car.

“Well, that has worked marvelously, darling. Just fasten your seatbelt and shut up so I can concentrate on not killing us both,” Kyungwon replied and rolled his eyes when Hoseok didn't react instantly. Turning around, he leaned in and grabbed the buckle, pulling it down to fasten it for the other man.

He shouldn't have, especially with the way his heart almost jumped in his chest at the proximity and the mixture of Hoseok’s cologne, the one he had bought with Hyungwon, and gin.

“You're stupid,” Hoseok whispered and closed his eyes, fingers curling around his own thighs.

“So are you,” Kyungwon whispered back. His right hand slid upwards from the buckle until it reached Hoseok’s neck, moving further to the soft, pale cheek. “You're still wearing that cologne, it gets to me, asshole.”

“Fuck, don't do this to me, just throw me out on some street and go home, Kyungwon.” The blonde opened his eyes instantly and caught his hand. He could feel how the other man used his strength to keep him in place, the tension could've been cut with a knife.

“No, let me take you home,” he murmured and pulled his hand out of Hoseok’s grip with effort. Inhaling roughly, he started the motor and forced himself to focus despite the glass of gin he had emptied.

_This whole situation is making you reckless and irresponsible, Kyungwon. You have to solve it somehow._

He drove, avoiding looking at Hoseok as he always did and eyes remaining on the road. He drove a normal speed to not be suspicious. Once he finally rolled into his parking spot, he released a breath he had apparently been holding. There had been enough things happening to them, a car crash would have been too much.

“Let's go up,” he murmured and released his own seatbelt.

Hoseok had been staring out of the window before he finally unbuckled and stepped out of the car, leaning against the wall next to the door of his building. Kyungwon walked over to him, unlocking the door with the transponder and curling his fingers around his wrist again, pulling him along and up the stairs.

“Are you fine with walking?” he asked. Hoseok had something vulnerable about him when he was drunk, and it seemed difficult to remain angry with him.

“My body must be good for something, right?” The blonde man chuckled and went after him.

Hoseok sounded so bitter, it felt unusual to see the man who smiled like the sun itself talk like that. Instead of replying, Kyungwon just nodded and pulled Hoseok along with him. Once he opened the door to the loft he slipped out of his shoes quietly and waited for Hoseok to do the same. The cleaning lady had been there, so it smelled like citrus.

“Hoseok- are you really harboring feelings for both of us or is that just your excuse for wanting us both?” The question was sudden but Kyungwon couldn't help it. It didn't make sense to him to have feelings for two people at once. Maybe it was because they were twins?

“Ask me properly so I can understand what you're talking about. You think I want to fuck you both? Is that what you're trying to say?” The blonde man looked hurt, mouth corners pointing downwards, and eyebrows pulled together. “But in the end, it doesn't matter, just think the fuck you want to think.” Hoseok took off his shoes and walked over to the couch, lying down on top of it and covering his eyes with his muscular forearm.

Kyungwon couldn't bear to see the blonde man like that, chest clenching uncontrollably and emotions screaming at him to stop being such an asshole. Hoseok had told him that he loved him the last time and here he was doubting the other man all over again. But it just didn't make sense.

He made his way to the couch, climbing on top of Hoseok’s half-spread thighs and curled his arms around the beautiful man's broad neck. Swallowing, he removed the muscular arm from the familiar brown eyes, wishing to see them and be able to figure out what Hoseok was feeling.

“If you love me, do you love Hyungwon too? How is that possible, Hoseok? I just don't understand, and I don't want him to get hurt. Do you want to leave him?” he whispered, leaning in closer to feel the warmth that Hoseok’s body emitted. Kyungwon was greedy, he had always been greedy, wanting it all and getting it as soon as he snapped his fingers.

The brown eyes widened impossibly before Hoseok grabbed his arm and squeezed it painfully.

“Leaving him? No fucking way. I love him, Kyungwon, you don't get it. I love him, but I love you too. You tell me you love me, but you love Hyungwon too. It's just how it is, so just leave me to deal with it so it can get better someday.” Closing his eyes Hoseok sucked in a deep breath through his nose.

Kyungwon felt the wish to defend himself boiling under his skin. It sounded as if Hoseok was accusing his relationship with Hyungwon of being unnatural, it wouldn't have been the first time.

_But he isn't._

“I- shit- listen, Hoseok. I don't think it'll go away by ignoring it. There is something we'll have to do. How do you expect me to pretend that nothing happened if I know that you feel the same about me?” Kyungwon moved closer, allowing his knees to touch the backrest of the couch as he sat on top of Hoseok, stroking through the other man's hair and touching his shoulders. He couldn't stay away, not if he knew that the other man wanted it as much. “I'm greedy, Hoseok. I take what's mine.”

“It worked for the past year, why won't it work now?” The blonde man whispered while his strong arms curled around his waist.

“Because I thought you were only attracted to me because I look like Hyungwon, you idiot,” he hissed and let his fingers intertwine with the blonde strands of Hoseok’s hair, tilting the other man’s head so that he could look at him properly. “Now I know it's me that you want, if you're telling the truth that is.”

_But why wouldn't he, Kyungwon? Why the fuck would he lie about something like this?_

It made no sense, but somehow it also did. If it was possible to love people as friends, family and lovers, why shouldn't it be possible to love two people as lovers as well?

“Will it be easier for you if I say that I'm not telling the truth? You can think whatever you want, I just don't want you to be miserable.” Hoseok licked over his lips and swallowed a couple of times.

The action was enough to make Kyungwon crack. He tightened his grip on Hoseok’s hair and clashed their lips together, melting into the way the warm, curved lips felt against his own. Moving back for a few millimetres only, he stared at Hoseok’s almost black eyes, speaking softly.

“I won't believe you, Hoseok. I see it, I see that you want me. If there were no constraints, none at all, what would you wish to happen? What would make you happy?”

The other man hesitated, licking over his red lips repeatedly and tightening his grip on Kyungwon's sides.

“To be- I want to be with both of you,” Hoseok whispered and closed his eyes right after.

Was it possible? Kyungwon didn't know, but looking at the desperation in Hoseok’s features, the way misery took its toll on him much like it did with Kyungwon, he couldn't help but wish that it was.

“I- I wish you could, but-" Kyungwon swallowed, surprised by his inability to talk properly, much like his brother did. “I don't know if Hyungwon could take it, Hoseok. It's complicated and- shit, I wish you could. There is nothing I want more than to be with you and I don't mind you being with Hyungwon, I don't need you to be mine alone. I love him, and he deserves to be with the person he loves as much as I do.” He hissed, trying to calm his racing thoughts, jumping from one unlikely scenario to the next. “Fuck, you're the drunk one and I'm the one spilling crazy shit like this.”

He felt Hoseok's gaze sliding over his features, staying a little longer on his mouth and eyes before the other man lifted his hand and stroked over his cheek and his lips, tracing them with his thumb.

“Kiss me,” the blonde man whispered after licking over his lips.

Kyungwon didn't have the strength to deny something that he wanted more than anything else. He leaned in and closed the distance between their lips, licking over Hoseok’s bottom one until he was allowed entry. He gasped at the proximity, unable to help himself and curled his arms tighter around the blonde man's neck. He wished that he could be this close without feeling guilty, without possibly hurting the most important person in his life.

Hoseok kissed back, playing with his tongue and pressing him closer, roaming over his back and raking one hand through his black hair. It was impossible to remain still. Kyungwon followed the outline of Hoseok’s tongue with his own and nibbled on his bottom lip, enjoying the way the other man tasted despite the heavy scent of gin. He wanted Hoseok so much, to be close, to be in his arms. He wanted it all.

The other man's warm hands slipped under his silk shirt, moving over his spine and drawing circles on his lower back while Hoseok sucked on the skin of his neck and his lips in succession as if he couldn't get enough.

_It's not like back then, a year ago, at all. Something must have changed._

Kyungwon gasped at the sensations, lips parting to show how much he liked it and fingers impatiently pulling at Hoseok’s shirt, he wanted it gone. Once he managed to pull it over Hoseok’s head, he instantly attached his lips to the other man's neck, biting down and nibbling along the curve of his neck.

“Do you want me to be careful, to not leave marks?” he whispered and traced the shell of Hoseok’s ear with his tongue, perfectly tuned to what the other man liked.

“There's no point. I'm drunk and it won't change anything so,” Hoseok murmured and leaned in, kissing him desperately and pulling his body closer, before breaking the contact. “I'll take this and go home. I'd love to stay with you for the night, but I know that I won't be able to stop if I do.” The other man took his thigh and lifted it so that he was able to stand up, pick up his shirt, put it on and walk over to his shoes.

Kyungwon chewed on his cheek, fighting with rationality and emotional impulsivity. Hoseok was right. They couldn't just go behind Hyungwon's back like that, kissing and being close and pretending that everything was fine while they were together. It wasn't fine, and it wouldn't be unless they did something about it.

“I'll call the cab for you,” he whispered and grabbed his phone, quickly calling one over and leaning against the wall in the hallway as he watched Hoseok put his shirt and shoes on. When he saw the blonde man struggle with his laces he kneeled down and did it for him, unable to help the way his heart clenched in his chest. It fucking hurt and he hated the situation, but there wasn't much he could have done about it. Most of it was in Hoseok’s hands.

_You can't force him to be with you and you can't force this on Hyungwon. It's not about you anymore._

The strong arms pulled him up and curled around him while Hoseok buried his face in the crook of his neck.

“I'm sorry for this messed up situation, I'm going to talk to Hyungwon about this.”

“Mmh,” Kyungwon hummed and raked his long fingers through Hoseok’s hair, trying to calm his breathing and keep his composure. He had to be the composed one this time.

“It'll be okay,” he whispered before placing a kiss on Hoseok’s cheek, much like he had done with Hyungwon back when he struggled and needed post-its to remind him of his worth.

_Don't be the reason for him regressing, Kyungwon._

“I- I love you, Kyungwon.” Hoseok's voice was almost a whisper and he felt the cold air hit his chest as soon as he realized because the blonde man had already left.

“I love you too,” he whispered into nothing.

Because every confession should have an answer.

 

***

 

“I've read about this, it's not that I don't want Hyungwon anymore, I want Hyungwon, I want him more than anything, I love him, and he makes me happy. It's just that there's another person who also makes me happy and sad, do you get it?” He downed his espresso and gestured for another one.

“I think you just don't have problems, so that's why you're making up some. You love Hyungwon? I know I can see, but what the fuck is it with Kyungwon? It can't be the confusion as you can distinguish between them perfectly now. Is there something you miss in the relationship? Why are you even like this?” Kihyun took a sip of his Americano cringing a little at the taste.

“You don't understand, it's not that I lack anything, I don't, Hyungwon is perfect. I just- I just think that I love his brother too.” His voice was barely a whisper as he buried his head in his palms. It was a struggle without a proper solution.

“It's sexual too? Maybe you miss having 10 different dudes a month? Maybe you're just horny, Hoseok? You should be able to deal with it,” His best friend leaned in and examined his facial expressions like a creep.

“Bullshit. I'm having mind blowing sex with Hyungwon, he's gorgeous and more than enough. It's just, there's just another person I like. It's okay if you don't understand but I thought about it for a long time. I need to talk to Hyungwon about it. I love him, I'll just suffer if he doesn't want it or feels insecure or wants me for himself. It'll be okay.” He sounded as if he wanted to persuade himself that it'd be okay in the end.

“Hyungwon is an amazing person, honestly, I think he will accept it but I'm not sure what he'll do. It's heavy and not everybody can deal with this,” Kihyun said and smiled, it almost looked as if everything would really turn okay all of a sudden.

 

_

 

Hyungwon was stable and in a good mood most of the time, it was a very good sign, but Hoseok didn't want to ruin it by contributing a possible trigger.

_That's why you’re tiptoeing around him like a creep even though he told you to be honest with him._

It was hard, it really was. He waited until his beautiful boyfriend walked through the door and closed the distance, throwing the other man's bag on the floor and lifting him up.

“You look gorgeous and you smell like shower gel and I really want to undress you, but we need to talk,” he murmured suppressing his usual coping strategy, namely sex.

Hyungwon merely smiled, brushing through Hoseok’s hair and placing a kiss to his lips.

“Sure,” he replied, but his eyebrows furrowed a little the longer he stared at Hoseok’s face. “To all of the above.” His boyfriend probably tried to cheer him up, attempting to joke while holding on tightly to not slip down Hoseok’s legs.

He chuckled and walked to the couch, letting himself fall on top of it while taking Hyungwon's body along. Curling his arms tight around his waist, Hoseok buried his face in the crook of Hyungwon's neck and sucked in the other man's delicious scent. It calmed him down a little.

“I love you, I love you so much,” he whispered for no reason at all, afraid that Hyungwon might break because of what he was going to tell him.

“You- you sound a little heavy today,” the black-haired man whispered and placed a careful kiss on Hoseok’s forehead. Warm palms cupped his face and Hyungwon lifted his head so that they were looking at each other. “I love you too, Hoseok. Tell me, what's bothering you?”

“It's me, I'm bothering myself, because of Kyungwon.” He whispered, waiting for an reaction.

Understanding seemed to dawn upon Hyungwon's face as he nodded slowly and sucked his lower lip into his mouth. His boyfriend's fingers drew patterns along his neck and chest and the black-haired man took a deep breath, like he thought carefully about what to say.

“Have you- have the two of you talked about this?” he asked carefully, like he didn't want to freak Hoseok out for some reason.

“What is there to talk about. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels, but it's just a whole freaking mess and we both agree that you're the most important, so-" His voice broke in the middle and he looked into Hyungwon's beautiful brown eyes. There was something about them that made his gaze appear much softer than Kyungwon’s.

“Hoseok,” Hyungwon began and his voice was so affectionate, long fingers tracing the line of his jaw. “What does it even mean that I'm the most important? Isn’t all of our happiness the most important? I don't see how I can be the most important when both of you are visibly miserable.” The black-haired man didn't stutter, he didn't even sound unsure about what he was saying, rather the opposite. It sounded like something Hyungwon had thought about a lot, resulting in the words that were now leaving his gorgeous lips.

“You're the most important because I love you and I want to be with you. It's important that you know it and that I don't do anything dumb that might really make you feel miserable, I can be miserable, it might go away eventually,” he commented and wanted to slap himself for how hesitant he sounded.

“It won't go away, Hoseok and you know that as much as I do and as Kyungwon does. The two of you are so concerned with what I think, but neither of you thought of asking me about it even once. I mean- I understand that you are worried and that you don't want to hurt me, but- but I'm not blind, Hoseok. I love you both a lot and I want you to be happy and if there is a compromise I can make to achieve that, I will happily do it.” Chewing on his lip, familiar hesitation appeared on Hyungwon's face, fingers playing with the fabric of Hoseok’s t-shirt and pulling at it a little bit. “I- If what I'm saying makes sense of course. I'm no expert, not at all, I just- I'm tired of seeing both of you suffer.”

“What do you want us to do about this? It's so messed up. I'm the most messed up. How the fuck does one love two people.” There it was, he had said it and was so fucking scared of what Hyungwon would tell him, how he would react.

Instead of looking upset a small smile appeared on the beautiful face, eyes mirroring it and making it genuine.

“I'm not sure what to do about this, but- but I don't think it's weird to love two people. I- I love Kyungwon and then I met you and now I love you too. I- I also-" Hyungwon hesitated, chewing on his lips and glancing to the side. It was the usual sign that he was about to say something he felt embarrassed about. “I liked s-several people before too, in the significant other sense of ‘liking’. Do you- do you think it's weird, Hoseok?”

_He did?_

“You- wait, you don't think that I'm a greedy, fucked up person? You would be okay to ‘share’ me with your brother? For real?” He couldn't believe it, it was crazy, he also didn't know how it was supposed to work.

“W- well-" Hyungwon blushed a little, probably slightly uncomfortable with the direct question, asked to his face just like that. “I don't think you're greedy, and I- I don't think you're fucked up either. I think it's- I think that it's perfectly possible to fall in love with another person. You- you still love me, don't you?” There was hesitation in his boyfriend's eyes as they widened and stared at him, sudden insecurity obvious. He looked so vulnerable.

“I love you more than anything, Hyungwon. I really do. I just- I just love your brother too. Are you sure you will be okay with this? Will you be okay if he just- kisses me and stuff like that? I mean being theoretically okay is one thing but dealing with reality is another,” Hoseok said and curled his arms tighter, enjoying Hyungwon's embrace so fucking much.

“I- I can't promise anything of course, not just like that, but- but I thought about it a lot, seeing the way you reached out sometimes, wishing to touch him but not doing it, or how he stared at your lips, leaning in but then turning away instead. I'd rather just see the two of you happy and close than- than whatever this is. He almost never comes over and you miss him as much as I do. It's- I think it'll be better.” Hyungwon's breaths were shaky, slim body curling around him as tightly as it could and plump lips pressing against the pale skin of his neck. “We could just t-try.”

“I want to try, and I want to make it work and I swear I'll stop if you're not okay with it,” he whispered and went for Hyungwon's beautiful, plump lips, licking into his hot, delicious mouth that tasted like strawberry smoothie.

His boyfriend kissed back, stroking over his hair and holding his breath as he liked doing, intensifying the experience.

“H-Hoseok, but I'm a little scared too,” he murmured and rubbed his nose over Hoseok’s bottom lip. “I'm scared that I won't be okay and make it much worse than it is. But rationally there shouldn't be a problem, I love both of you and I like you together and he's not taking you away and actually it all makes perfect sense. I just- I don't want you to act on subjective stupidity from my side. Don't just give up because I might need time to get used to it, okay?”

“But you have to tell me, Hyungwon. You have to tell me if it's too much. Nothing is worth making you miserable.” He was so confused, it didn't make sense that his boyfriend agreed to him dating his brother in addition to their relationship. He wanted to kiss him and give him everything, but he also wanted to run over to Kyungwon and pin him against the fucking wall, it was pure confusion.

“I'll tell you, I just- I feel like I'm using your feelings for selfish purposes and I don't want to pressure you with anything.” Hyungwon looked so shy again, the way his long fingers were brushing over the seam of Hoseok’s shirt and how his slim thighs tensed.

“You know that your brother was worried, didn't get my point and asked me whether I want to leave you? I kinda screamed at him because it's ridiculous. I love you, you're like a part of me I can't miss, Hyungwon. My feelings are clear, I love you and I love him. I want to be close to both of you, I believe that I have enough love to give.” Hoseok curled his fingers around Hyungwon's pretty thighs and pulled him further on top of himself.

The beautiful black-haired man laughed suddenly, reaching out and brushing over his curved lips with his thin thumb.

“And you didn't get my point, Hoseok,” he whispered and kissed his thumb in addition to Hoseok’s lips briefly. “I meant that wanting to try this out- I'm- I'm doing it for a selfish reason.”

_He wants to have Kyungwon around?_

“Is it because you want to have Kyungwon around?” he asked before leaning in and sucking on a collarbone that was exposed.

Hyungwon nodded slowly and bit down on his lips, it looked a little painful, just like the beautiful brown eyes appeared painfully emotional.

“I really miss him, Hoseok,” he whispered and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck, inhaling his scent in irregular intervals. “I want him to be with me and if he's happy next to you and you're happy as well then that's everything I ever wanted.” There was a pause until the black-haired man smiled against his skin and continued.

“You know, I- because Kyungwon never fell in love and I- I just did it all the time, I never thought of it as weird to love more than one person. I just- I always thought I inherited all the love to give.”

“I'm sorry for being the reason. Kyungwon also told me that it's my fault that he can't see you and that he's suffering by himself and I'm the asshole, yeah.” Hyungwon must've thought that their relationship was mental.

_What’s even crazier is screaming and cursing then confessing how much you love each other._

“That sounds like him, but it's not your fault,” Hyungwon replied and kissed his lips briefly. “But- ehm, I kinda strained a muscle because I'm dumb and- sitting like this- yeah.” His boyfriend pointed at his right thigh and smiled apologetically, breaking the tense atmosphere as usual with his hilarious and adorable antics.

“Want me to massage it?” Hoseok asked and let Hyungwon fall on top of the couch, taking his lean, defined thigh and curling his fingers around it, applying pressure.

His boyfriend yelped in surprise and blushed instantly although it wasn't particularly close or more than they usually did. The further Hoseok’s hand moved the more Hyungwon’s face gained color, looking gorgeous.

“Oh god,” he murmured and threw his head back, relaxing his muscles and visibly enjoying the sudden massage. “This is so relieving, dear god.”

_He's absolutely stunning, why are you so lucky, Hoseok?_

He massaged his boyfriend’s thigh for ten minutes until the other man just fell asleep and Hoseok carried him to bed, placing a soft kiss on top of his pretty, plump lips.

_Maybe it'll work out, Hoseok?_

_

 

A week passed since his talk with Hyungwon, but he still couldn't bring himself to go to Kyungwon’s place. Even Hyungwon asking him whether he had already done something didn't help, he just didn't feel confident for some reason.

_Now that you're allowed you are pussying out, Hoseok. Kyungwon was right, you're a coward._

He was scared of himself, to just go crazy because he could.

_You still have to tell him. Hyungwon wanted you to tell him. He's suffering, you asshole._

Putting on his favorite blue shirt and light blue ripped jeans, he walked into the hallway, kissing Hyungwon goodbye before the other man went on the overnight trip with his dance class and Hyunwoo.

“I'm going over to Kyungwon. Will- will it be okay if I stay over? Is it okay? I will give you a good night call,” he murmured and curled his arms tighter around the other man's slim waist.

Hyungwon smiled and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, hugging him tightly in return, at least as tight as he managed.

“It's fine, Hoseok. Like this, both of you won't be lonely. Tell me how it goes and how he reacts and- please don't panic.”

“Okay, I'll tell you everything, thank you so much, I will still miss you, even if it's only two days.” Licking into Hyungwon's warm mouth, he leaned back and smiled.

“I'll miss you too, but I'll also be buying Hyunwoo lots of food, so- don't be surprised if we're poor suddenly. I love you, Hoseok,” his boyfriend said with a small grin and kissed him one last time before walking through the door and closing it behind himself.

“I love you too,” he screamed into the hallway before closing the door again.

_Now you have to tell Kyungwon._

It was Saturday and he knew that the other man would probably be home, so he didn't warn him, appearing in front of his door randomly, for effect. Pressing the doorbell, he made a grimace into the video camera.

“What the fuck, Hoseok?” he heard through the security system before the door opened with a loud buzz.

Kyungwon was standing at the top of the stairs in ripped jeans and a loose t-shirt, sipping on a cup of coffee and obviously shocked.

“Wait- you're alone? But-”

“Why? Did you want to see Hyungwon? He's at the summer camp with his dance class, he's coming back Sunday evening, so you can come over if you want to. Will I also get a coffee?” he asked, slipping out of his shoes and walking into the kitchen.

“What?” Kyungwon seemed absolutely baffled, just handing him his own cup and instantly turning to walk to the coffee machine to make another. “Are you telling me that you are shamelessly using the time my brother isn't home to come here? What the fuck, Hoseok? Considering that you avoided me like a disease again I thought you went all the way back to pretending that nothing happened.” The black-haired man seemed angry, clenching his right fist as he talked.

“Are you angry at me?” he asked before coming closer and curling his arms around Kyungwon’s slim waist, hugging him from the back.

“Angry? Of course not, Hoseok, darling. Why the fuck would I be angry at you after telling you that I can't fucking deal with pretence, especially when I know that you apparently ‘love’ me. I have no idea what the fuck you might possibly be talking about, asshole,” Kyungwon hissed but didn't free himself from the embrace. It was rather the opposite, like the other man's body lost some of its tension as soon as Hoseok touched him. However, none of that removed the sarcasm that each word was drenched in.

“I know, I'm a coward, but on the other hand I'm here, so it can't be that bad, can it? And I do love you, a lot. I missed you,” he whispered next to the other man's small ear and kissed the spot right next to it.

“I hate you,” Kyungwon whispered but not even a second passed until the other man turned in his embrace and curled his long arms around his neck, tilting his head with the fierce grip on his hair and clashing their lips together.

“You,” a kiss, “stupid,” another kiss, “asshole.”

“You can hate me as much as you want, I will still love you, you arrogant, demanding fucker.” Hoseok grabbed Kyungwon’s slim hips and pulled them closer, licking into the other man's mouth.

The man in his arms gasped loudly, unrestrained as always and scratched over his back, eyes fierce.

“Does Hyungwon even know that you're here? Don't you dare hurt him,” he hissed and licked over Hoseok’s curved mouth, pushing their hips together and rolling his skillfully despite his words.

“Yup, he knows,” Hoseok hissed and moved to the side, letting Kyungwon’s back hit the wall roughly.

“And he's fine with that?” Kyungwon asked into his mouth, obviously unwilling to part. The black-haired man let his hands roam over Hoseok’s back, pulling his shirt up and almost ripping the fabric with how much strength he used.

“He told me it's okay to love another person and to be dating you too, if you'll come by more often. He told me a week ago, I was kinda scared to come,” he murmured, leaning down a little and biting down into the crook of Kyungwon’s neck.

“You should have been scared to come after not talking to me for a fucking week,” Kyungwon hissed until the words must have finally sunk in and he removed his hand from Hoseok’s back followed by forcefully lifting Hoseok’s head by pulling his hair. “He said what? But- what? He thinks it's fine as long as I visit? What drugs is he on?”

“Shut up, he's absolutely fine, he's just an amazing person who understands. He said he was in love with more than one person before. He also wants to have you closer and is afraid he's using my feelings towards you to achieve that; can you believe it? He's a fucking angel, fuck my life,” Hoseok spoke and licked over his own lips in succession.

Kyungwon’s eyes widened but he pulled Hoseok closer as if he couldn't believe that he was allowed to, teeth settling on his lower lip.

“He- he's fine with you being close to me? Kissing me and stuff?” he asked hesitantly, anger dissipating into thin air and making way for emotionality, eyes staying wide.

“Why? Don't want me anymore, now that you can have me?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow and stared at Kyungwon’s gorgeous face.

“What?” The other man's eyes narrowed, and he grabbed Hoseok by the collar, pulling him against himself and licking into his mouth hungrily. The other man's motions were quick and impatient, stroking over his back and slipping under the fabric of his shirt.

“There is nothing I want more, you asshole. You're a fucking coward for letting me wait like this when you could’ve been mine already, you torturous dick.” Kyungwon hit his chest with his fist before kissing him again.

He chuckled, pressing the other man against the wall and letting his hands touch the slim body, finally, fuck he wanted him. Hoseok wanted him so much.

“I was a little scared that I'd just go nuts, and I know why, because that's exactly what happens as soon as you're next to me.”

“That's because your self-control sucks dick,” Kyungwon replied and turned them, instantly sinking to his knees and biting along Hoseok’s abdominal muscles and vline, teeth leaving tiny red marks whenever he let go of a patch of skin to touch the next. The black-haired man's right hand kept his shirt lifted while his left danced tentatively over his crotch, not opening his jeans and not cupping him properly either.

“Don't test me, you dominant asshole,” Hoseok groaned, grabbing a fist of Kyungwon’s black hair.

The other man brushed over his hard dick with his index and middle finger and glanced up, grin in place.

“Why? What will you do?” he asked and breathed warm air over his clothed dick, licking along the zipper. “Beg?”

Hoseok shook his head slowly.

“Never, I'll work on my self-control. Where's my coffee?” He asked and breathed out through his nose.

Kyungwon looked like he wanted to stab him with a knife, or ask him to fuck him, Hoseok couldn't quite tell.

“You're the one who put it somewhere, genius,” the black-haired man whispered and licked along his zipper again before opening it and mouthing his erection, plump lips warm even through the fabric of his briefs.

“No, that was your coffee, you wanted to make me coffee but you're kneeling in front of me instead, is that supposed to substitute for coffee?” Hoseok was determined to make the other man go mad.

“You want coffee instead?” Kyungwon asked calmly and lifted the waistband of Hoseok’s briefs, pink tongue licking over the tip of his dick tentatively, digging into the slit.

Kyungwon was a fucking tease.

“That depends on the quality of the substitute.” Hoseok grinned and sucked in a breath.

“I wouldn't worry about that,” the black-haired man breathed against his dick before he rubbed it over his plump lips and pulled Hoseok’s pants and underwear down with his hands. Kyungwon must have been good at bridging time, providing sensations without a break, a tongue on his tip, a hand on his shaft and another massaging his balls, everything perfectly coordinated. Sucking on the head of his dick with vigor, the gorgeous man looked up, examining Hoseok’s facial expressions with almost black eyes.

“Fuck, I want you, you don't even know how many times I thought about that,” he hissed and pulled Kyungwon’s hair lightly.

Letting his erection fall out of his mouth, Kyungwon smiled, placing a quick kiss on Hoseok’s hip.

“Sounds like the best idea you ever had,” the other man murmured and watched him intently as he let most of Hoseok’s erection slip into his mouth, all the way until he hit the back of the gorgeous man's throat, instant humming sending pleasure through his middle.

“Yes, fuck, just like that,” Hoseok moaned and moved his hips a little, wishing to bury himself deeper in the other man's mouth. Kyungwon just hummed again and pushed his hips to the wall with his right hand, not giving him the freedom to move on his own. Instead, the black-haired man sank down himself, taking most of him between his pretty lips and adding pleasant turns to the way he moved his head. His left hand, that was massaging his balls only added sparks to the already burning pleasure.

Just when Hoseok felt his orgasm moving closer Kyungwon let his teeth slide over his whole length, not quite enough to hurt and let go of his dick, lips deliciously plump and red.

“You fucking tease, you make me want to fuck you against the wall,” Hoseok hissed and pulled Kyungwon up. “But first you’ll let me taste you, fucking finally.” He turned them and pulled Kyungwon’s jeans down his long legs without making much fuss. “Wanna sit on the counter?”

_You have to see what he likes, he's not Hyungwon._

“Sure,” Kyungwon replied with a grin and stepped out of his clothes, head thrown back despite the smile that stayed. He looked hot, especially with how he let his fingers pull his own shirt over his head, revealing gorgeous, naked skin. Licking over his lips, he stroked over Hoseok’s muscular body, holding onto his shoulders before he jumped up, legs curling around his hips. “But maybe you should step out of your jeans, so you don’t fall on your face, tiger.”

_Tiger?_

As soon as Hoseok caught Kyungwon to keep him stable in his arms and kicked his pants to the side, something changed in the other man's teasing nature. His eyes widened and lips parted, staring at Hoseok’s face and the little bit of space that still separated them. The big, brown eyes travelled from Hoseok’s eyes, over his nose and finally to his lips, examining them as if the other couldn't quite believe they were his to kiss. Kyungwon appeared utterly overwhelmed.

“You're mesmerizing, Kyungwon,” he whispered and leaned in, kissing the other man's thick, red lips.

It was like a thin sheet of glass that shattered. Kyungwon grabbed a fistful of his hair and clashed their lips together, nibbling on his bottom lip desperately while tightening the grip around his hips. It seemed like the other man was scared to let go.

“Fuck, this is suddenly so different,” Kyungwon cursed and bit into his neck, sending a stabbing sensation through him, quickly followed by tender licks of his warm tongue.

“It is, it really is,” Hoseok gasped and carried Kyungwon’s beautiful, naked body to the bedroom, throwing it on the sheets and crawling on top, settling between the other man's gorgeous thighs.

“Let me taste you,” he whispered and licked over the head of his straight erection.

“Fuck yes,” Kyungwon moaned and spread his legs, throwing the right one over Hoseok’s shoulder as he grabbed a fistful of his hair, pulling him closer to where he wanted him. The black-haired man didn't seem to care whether he was making noise or not, breaths harsh and moans echoing through the whole loft. He was so fucking beautiful. “Say it again, say that you want me, Hoseok.”

“I want you, Kyungwon, I want you so fucking much, I want to feel you, all of you,” he groaned and took the other man's dick into his mouth, sliding all the way down.

“Fuck- asshole, I can't talk like this,” the gorgeous man below him groaned and pulled at his hair, but it was just a short pull, not enough to make him stop. Kyungwon threw his head into the pillows and lifted his hips to meet his lips, yearning for more. “Shit, I want you inside me.”

“Get ready or I'll just fuck you like this,” Hoseok groaned after letting Kyungwon’s erection slip out of his mouth. “Now.”

A smirk appeared on the pretty face as Kyungwon merely grabbed his own thighs and pulled them towards himself, staring at Hoseok intently and body on display. The black-haired man’s skin was caramel coloured and completely smooth, reflecting the light of the bedside lamp. Black eyes were staring at him intently.

“I intended on going out tonight,” Kyungwon whispered and bit his lip, right hand reaching properly around his thigh to dip his index finger inside his own tight body. “Fuck me up, Hoseok.”

_Fuck him, now._

“Fuck, I need a condom, where do you keep them?” Hoseok felt like burning, while he leaned over, bending Kyungwon in half and biting into the skin of his neck.

“Fuck the condom,” Kyungwon moaned and let go of his thighs with his left hand, slipping it under a pillow from where he pulled out a bottle of lube. “I'm clean, so just lube up properly and fuck me right.”

_Really?_

_But it's his brother, Hoseok, it's not some dude you don't know._

He hesitated before catching Kyungwon’s gaze and throwing everything overboard by coating his thick erection messily and pressing it against the other man's entrance.

“I'm fucking crazy, fuck,” he hissed and pushed himself in.

Kyungwon relaxed his body instantly, allowing Hoseok to slide in smoothly, all the way until the hilt. Then the gorgeous man threw his endless legs over his shoulders, pushing him closer by pressing down with his heels.

“Shit, I love your size,” he moaned and contracted around him on purpose, repeatedly. “Fucking move, Hoseok, I want to feel it.”

“I want to tell you to shut the fuck up but then I also want to tell you that I love you, it's a struggle.” Bending Kyungwon further he moved out and slid back in, testing out the angle and kissing the other man's calf like he liked doing when he slept with Hyungwon.

Kyungwon appeared surprised by the affectionate gesture, gaze in his eyes becoming less demanding just like the grip with which the black-haired man held onto Hoseok’s hips, pulling them towards himself.

“I love you too,” he murmured and glanced to the side, as if it seemed strange for him to say it.

“You do? Then show me that you like it or there's no point, I want you to enjoy this,” Hoseok murmured back and slammed into Kyungwon’s body, rolling his hips at the same time.

The gorgeous man screamed at the angle, body convulsing and meeting the next thrust almost automatically. Kyungwon bit his full lower lip and stared at him, releasing a variation of unrestrained moans as he contracted around Hoseok whenever he was buried completely inside of him. The black-haired man was just sin, sucking him in like a spell.

“Come on, Hoseok,” Kyungwon moaned and buried his nails in Hoseok’s thighs, pushing him closer like he wanted more and scratching over his ass. “Show me how you can make me scream.”

Pulling out, he took Kyungwon’s legs and dragged him towards himself, grabbing his body and pressing it against the nearest wall. Lining up, he let the other man sink down.

“Shit- you piece of shit,” Kyungwon cursed and threw his head back, hitting the wall which must have been painful. But the black-haired man didn't give a single shit and just grabbed Hoseok’s hair, tilting his head to clash their lips together as he pushed himself up by holding onto his shoulders and moved down again. “Fuck me, shit, you're driving me mad, Hoseok.”

He wanted to tell him to shut up, but he grabbed Kyungwon’s slim hips instead, thrusting into his body and biting into his neck painfully. The action must have broken the beautiful man's composure as he just screamed and scratched over his back without holding back, licking over his lips desperately and throwing his head from side to side.

“Shit, this is unfair, this is so fucking unfair, you know my body too well,” he mumbled, interrupted by further moans that echoed through the room. Exhaling roughly the other man's right hand slipped between them, stroking his own erection in time with Hoseok’s thrusts as his hips met each and every one of them.

“You don't even know how fucking hard it was not to jump you every fucking time,” he hissed and picked up pace, sinking his teeth into the sensitive skin and licking over the bites, his sweat dropping between their bodies.

“You should have just fucking jumped me. I wanted you so fucking much, Hoseok, I didn't even care if you took over and I fucking hate giving in, shit,” Kyungwon breathed into his ear and clashed their lips together again, tensing his body to contract around Hoseok and making stars explode behind his eyelids like a fucking firework. “Sex- needs control, fuck- what are we even? Fuck me harder, Hoseok, take me on all fours, I don't care.”

“Then go on all fours, Kyungwon, do it,” he groaned and pulled out, letting the other man's feet touch the ground.

Kyungwon was fast, instantly crawling on top of the bed and spreading his legs as he intertwined his fingers with the sheets. As if to tease him, the black-haired man used his left hand to reach behind himself and pull his butt cheek to the side in invitation.

“Go ahead.”

“Fuck, you're crazy. But so am I,” he hissed and leaned down, licking over the other man's entrance while grabbing his cheeks to keep him in place. Kyungwon shuddered at the sensation, like it wasn't very familiar to him and tensed for approximately two seconds until relaxing completely, left hand returning to grab the sheets, knuckles white.

“Drive me mad then,” the black-haired man breathed out and sucked in a deep breath, as if he intended to keep his composure.

Hoseok didn't need a second invitation so he breached the other man's body with his tongue, licking inside him and feeling how he pushed against it.

“Fuck, I never let people do that,” the other man whispered and dropped to his elbows, keeping his ass perfectly in the air. Hoseok was going nuts.

He blew air against it before continuing, licking and sucking on the sensitive skin until he thought he'd burst and lined up again, lubing up some more to be able to go all out.

Kyungwon was breathing heavily but didn't comment, merely remaining in place instead of telling Hoseok what to do. There were tiny drops of sweat all over the other man's back and when he rested his head on top of his palms, Hoseok could see a small tattoo right below his hairline.

_What's that?_

He ignored it and pushed himself in slowly. He let Kyungwon adjust and grabbed his slim hips right after, bending one leg to have more leverage and thrust into the gorgeous body, it felt crazy.

The black-haired man was losing it just as much as he was, holding onto the sheets with vigor and screaming his name each time that he hit dead on. He could basically feel how Kyungwon's body tensed further with each thrust until the other man slid his right hand between his legs, stroking himself with the force of Hoseok’s motions. Only a few more rough thrusts of his hips were sufficient to feel Kyungwon spasm around him and release himself on top of the sheets with a scream of his name. Unlike Hyungwon, Kyungwon remained in place, even though his thighs were shaking a little from the intensity and rough exhales were leaving his lips.

“Just come wherever you want, Hoseok,” he gasped out and contracted around him again, adding sparks of pleasure to the already overwhelming hot tightness of his body.

Hoseok slammed his hips into Kyungwon, just a couple of movements were enough to almost send him over the edge before he pulled out and came over the other man's lower back with a loud groan of his name.

_Fuck, Hoseok, that's mental._

It was mental and so different from his sex with Hyungwon. He was thankful that it wasn't the same. Grabbing a couple of tissues from the bedside drawer he cleaned Kyungwon’s back, placing soft kisses on his soft, golden skin. He could feel the other man shudder against his lips.

“You're- really affectionate. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it,” Kyungwon murmured and turned around slowly, sitting down on the other side of the sheets and watching Hoseok intently. “I can't believe you actually just fucked me without a condom, wow, bye inhibitions.”

“I also can't believe this, I'm fucking crazy.” He wiped over Kyungwon’s lean stomach and thighs, not leaving out the chance to leave small marks on the soft skin.

Kyungwon hissed and chewed on his cheek, following his movements attentively while stroking through his blonde hair with his left hand. He stretched out the right one to let Hoseok wipe over it.

“Have you ever fucked anybody without a condom?” he asked suddenly, lifting his eyebrows like the answer didn't really matter.

“I haven't,” he whispered and let himself fall next to the handsome man.

That seemed to get Kyungwon attention as he turned around and stared at him with wide eyes, showing that the answer hadn't been as irrelevant as the black-haired man pretended that it was.

“What? Not even Hyungwon? No intimacy and all that exciting stuff?”

“Uhm no. I- I just went crazy.”

“Fair enough,” Kyungwon commented and brushed through his hair, crossing his naked legs like they were having a conversion over tea. “Me neither, but I kinda thought since I like you- yeah- doesn't make sense I guess. Either way, coffee?”

“No, I want you to come here,” he muttered and opened his arms while chewing on his cheek.

The black-haired man hesitated for a few seconds, watching his expression intently until he finally moved towards him and curled his arms around his waist.

“This is- kinda unusual for me. I thought a lot about wanting to have you in my bed and be in your arms but now that I am, I feel like I know nothing. What the hell do people do in relationships? Fuck, never thought Hyungwon would be ahead of me there.” Kyungwon chuckled and playfully sunk his teeth into Hoseok’s pec muscle. “I feel unprepared and I fucking hate being unprepared. You can't be superior when you don't know shit. Apart from in finance I guess.”

“Ah, just shut up,” Hoseok commented and pulled Kyungwon on top of himself, hugging him tightly. “I love you, you make me happy. A lot.”

“I don't think ‘shut up’ and ‘I love you’ go well together, but-" Hoseok could feel Kyungwon smile against his skin. “Shut up and I love you too.”

He was happy, but he was also scared.

_Can this really work out?_

He didn't know, but as long as Kyungwon lay in his arms it didn't matter.

 

  **  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

It seemed like Kyungwon’s life moved from one mess to the next. First it was an irresponsible mess when he almost got himself killed on a motorcycle, then it was an overly responsible mess with him thinking about nothing but Hyungwon, then it turned into a miserable mess with him loving Hoseok and not knowing how to get over it and now it just transformed itself into a happy mess. But it was still a fucking mess.

Hoseok had visited out of nowhere, popped up in front of his door without Hyungwon and attempted to tell him that his self-conscious brother was totally fine with sharing his boyfriend. As crazy as it had sounded Kyungwon was able to imagine it, he was able to see Hyungwon in front of him, squirming on Hoseok’s lap and saying that he liked them both so much that it was okay.

_Isn't he being sacrificial though?_

It was so difficult to know with Hyungwon, especially nowadays as he had gotten so much better, he did what he liked and knew about his positive qualities even if he still liked to point out his negative ones.

Hoseok and him couldn't just jump into a relationship just because Hyungwon said they could. It was crazy, unprepared and mental. Kyungwon didn't even know how to deal with a one-way relationship, he had never bothered to be in one and having a relationship that involved his brother in the form of a V didn't make it any better.

_Shit, what the hell are you getting yourself into?_

Of course, he hadn't been able to remember any of the possible concerns as Hoseok kissed him senseless and gave him everything Kyungwon had wished for over the past year. His senses had been on overdrive and it had been almost impossible to be his teasing, composed self. He hadn't been able to stay in control, to play with Hoseok until he cracked. Instead, both of them just cracked together, fucking like crazy and not even using a condom.

Kyungwon was clean so that wasn't his main worry but both of them were experts in one night stands, condoms were just basics. How hard does one have to fuck inhibitions to decide not to use condoms?

Hoseok was gorgeous, holding him tightly in his muscular arms and placing kisses on top of his head once in a while, just the way he liked. Kyungwon didn't know if Hoseok was aware that it was exactly what he liked, but the other seemed to do it naturally.

_Maybe he knows because Hyungwon always does it with you._

It felt different to be in the arms of someone he had feelings for. Not the touch per se because it was similarly warm and also comparably firm if Kyungwon chose a man with Hoseok’s body form. The difference was the affection, not only his own but especially the affection that Hoseok showed towards him. After fucking, his nightly catches were usually tired out and fell asleep and Kyungwon just curled himself around their bodies until the morning.

But not with Hoseok. The other man was basically a koala himself, cuddling Kyungwon throughout the night and holding him tight enough to make it impossible to escape, even though it must have been 9 AM already.

_It's Sunday, who fucking cares?_

“Hoseok?” Kyungwon called out when he felt like his leg had reached a point at which it would never wake up and roam among the living again. “Come on, wake up. I didn't go _that_ hard on you.”

“You didn't go hard, you went berserk, telling me to fuck you bareback into oblivion, did you forget? I don't want to wake up,” the blonde murmured and turned them, curling his muscular arms tightly around his rather slim form.

“I can't feel my fucking leg, Hoseok,” Kyungwon remarked and decided not to comment on going ‘berserk’. “It's already 9 AM and hardworking people are being productive instead of squeezing the air out of their lovers. Also, your dick is drilling a hole into my thigh.”

He flew down. Hoseok just threw him to the side like a fucking pillow.

“Be productive then.” The other man's voice was obviously mocking him.

Anger boiled in his veins and he jumped Hoseok like an animal, climbing on top of him and scratching over his chest.

“Fuck you,” he hissed and clashed their lips together, biting down on Hoseok’s lower lip and almost tasting blood with the force he used. “Don't throw me like a fucking sack of potatoes.”

The other man groaned and turned them, pinning Kyungwon into the mattress with both arms and his body weight.

“You want to fight? Is that what you wanted to have me for? To fight your little dominance games with me, bite my lips bloody and act like a kitty who didn't get its pats?”

Kyungwon almost punched him in the face for that, furious that Hoseok dared to call him a fucking kitty. He immediately had to think of Hyungwon at that, the way his brother resembled his adorable cat.

“Hyungwon is like a kitty, but I'm everything but, Hoseok. I wanted you because I love you, you fucking idiot, and not because I want to fight you. If I want to fight I can go out and beat somebody's fucking face for wanting to touch me while drunk.” Furious, Kyungwon rolled his hips upwards, increasing friction while staring up at Hoseok in defiance. Their interactions were like a fucking explosion, time bomb ticking until somebody cracked.

Hoseok leaned down, focusing his intimidating gaze on him for no reason.

“Ah, you love me? Then fucking act like it,” the other man hissed against his lips, small drop of blood collecting on the curved bottom lip.

_Get a fucking grip, Kyungwon._

His eyes widened, and he instantly released his tensed muscles, allowing Hoseok to press him into the mattress without resistance.

“Shit, you're bleeding, Hoseok, fuck-" he murmured and leaned in to lick it away, shocked at the fact that he had really hurt the other man without meaning to. “Fuck, I'm sorry, I just, I’m really sensitive to being manhandled, it makes me furious.”

Hoseok released him immediately and sat up on the bed, grabbing his jeans from the floor and slipping them on.

“Sorry. I'm going to brush my teeth.” The blonde man didn't bother with a shirt and left the sleeping area. Kyungwon panicked a little, similar to the way he did whenever Hyungwon said he was fine and left the room, which he never did unless he wasn't fine.

“Wait-" he called after Hoseok and caught up, not bothering with clothes at all. “I gotta brush my teeth too anyway.”

He didn't fucking know how to act around Hoseok now that they were allowed to be close. He had just two programs, the ‘we don't fuck’ one which might have involved affection and cuddling and the ‘we fuck’ one, which involved rough sex and no conversation. None of those applied anymore and Kyungwon had never been good at admitting to weaknesses.

Inhaling deeply, he grabbed his toothbrush and began brushing his teeth furiously until he saw that Hoseok had grabbed the same toothbrush he had used last time, the one that Kyungwon hadn't bothered to throw away.

_You were being sentimental._

“I'm sorry,” he murmured again, hoping that it helped the situation somehow. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“It's not about the pain.” Hoseok stared at the toothbrush for a couple of seconds before smearing toothpaste on top and letting it disappear in his mouth.

“What is it about then?” Kyungwon asked and mentally answered his own question with his inability to figure out how to treat Hoseok. He wanted him and he loved him, he definitely did, but there were a few behavioral things both of them had to work on.

He reached out and stroked along Hoseok’s naked back, fingers caressing the pale skin before he spit into the sink and put his own toothbrush away.

Hoseok did the same and chuckled.

“Why? Are you searching for the scar? It was a nice reminder throughout the year, it's on the left side,” he murmured and leaned down, splashing cold water over his face.

_Scar?_

“Holy shit,” Kyungwon muttered and walked behind Hoseok to have a proper look, eyes instantly settling on the few thin, white lines that moved along the other man's shoulder downwards. “Fuck- I didn't know it really left scars, shit. I'm sorry, Hoseok. Why didn't you say anything or tell me to get my fucking shit together?”

“Why should I? You're an adult and know what you're doing and why you want to do it and I want you, so I'll have to deal with it.” Drying himself with a white towel, Hoseok turned around and stared at him with an unreadable expression on his face. It hurt somehow, much like when Kyungwon knew that he wasn't allowed to be close to the other man.

“I'm a shit adult unless it's about taking care of Hyungwon,” he murmured and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, hoping that his internal hint that it wasn't okay was wrong and would just shut the fuck up. “I'm sorry, Hoseok. I don't know why I overreacted like that. There are a few things that break my resolve and drive me mad. I don't even know how to act right now. I told you that I've never been in a relationship. I just fuck or don't fuck and now I'm a little overwhelmed by not knowing how I'm supposed to act around you.” He buried his head deeper into the cook of Hoseok’s neck because it made admitting to insecurities easier. He was shit at talking about insecurities. “I'm always alone, I feel like that kid that suddenly walks out of the cupboard and sees the real world after 24 years.”

“Just act how you want to act around me. I'll be okay, I'll work on it,” Hoseok whispered and stroked over his hair. The other man's fingers danced over his scalp while his other hand curled around his waist. Kyungwon loved pats on the head so he stayed in place, fighting with the control freak in him to admit that it was okay.

_So much to not being a fucking cat._

“But I told you that I don't want you to be sacrificial, Cinderella Hoseok. If I'm being an asshole you have to tell me that I'm being an asshole. Don't be like my mom, hoping that someone else does all the proper parental work,” he whispered back and placed a kiss below Hoseok’s ear, enjoying how affectionate it felt.

“So now you're my kid and I have to be a good parent? I thought we've only been in a relationship for like twelve hours, when did it escalate like this?” The blonde man chuckled and pressed him closer, placing kisses on his forehead and cheek. “I- really love you.”

Kyungwon’s chest heated up at the words as something pulled a little, not as painful as a needle, but just a hint. It was a feeling that he would have imagined under ‘your body is trying to tell you something’ in the romantic sense.

It felt like Hoseok was just teasing him again and his mind really wanted to defend himself from the disrespect but the confession right after defeated the purpose. So he just relaxed in the warm embrace and placed kisses of his own on the beautiful pale skin.

“I love you too, I just have no fucking idea what we are doing and how this is going to work,” he whispered before kissing Hoseok’s lips, almost sighing at how relieving it felt. It was everything he had ever wanted, to be the one in the other man's strong arms and enjoy his affection. “But I also can't get myself to give a single shit right now. I just want you to hold me and kiss me just like this.”

“You like being in control so much? Then kiss me,” Hoseok whispered into his ear and held him impossibly close, the naked skin of their upper bodies melting into each other.

Kyungwon licked over his lips and looked up, examining the way the other man looked at him, lips curved and eyes emotional somehow. It sent a spark through his chest that he supported by finally pressing their lips together, soft and warm. His arms curled further around Hoseok’s neck and he attached his naked body flat to the blonde man's, enjoying every second without feeling the need to do anything else. It was calm somehow.

The muscular man in his embrace kissed back and licked over his bottom lip, parting them and exploring his mouth with his warm tongue while his strong hands held him close, without forcing or implying anything sexual.

“I can't believe I'm allowed to do this,” Hoseok whispered which he wouldn't have heard if they hadn't been this close.

“Me neither,” Kyungwon replied quietly, barely keeping his voice from breaking. It was overwhelming to be kissing like this, to just enjoy each other's warmth and presence without feeling the need to do anything or be sexual. It was so different from the night before when they had just jumped each other without any second thoughts.

“I want to make you happy.” Hoseok kissed his lips, his nose and finally his forehead while lifting up on his toes. “This will be a lot of work.”

“It will,” Kyungwon murmured and watched the other man's expression carefully, feeling like all of his emotions were written on his face for everybody to read. It made him seem so vulnerable and on display. “You'll have to teach me to be affectionate, I- I feel like I just close up like a damn shell.”

“I'll try to crack you if you let me.” Hoseok lifted his right hand and brushed a loose strand behind his ear, smiling at him like the fucking sun and it was his smile, his alone.

“Only if I can keep you,” he whispered back and tightened his arms around the other man, feeling possessive all of a sudden. Like something could happen and Hoseok would decide not to be with him anymore. Something that had nothing to do with him.

“I told Hyungwon that it's for him to decide.” The words echoed in the spacious bathroom as the blonde man looked at him so full of emotion and longing, as if the knowledge that they could be together could turn into an illusion in a matter of seconds.

_For the first time Hyungwon decides your happiness._

And for once it wasn't about his brother's life.

Kyungwon merely nodded. If it had been anybody else he would have complained, argued why the fuck anybody else would have the right to decide something like that. But it was Hyungwon and Hyungwon had always been a different story. He missed him.

“I miss him,” Kyungwon echoed his own thoughts and pressed his lips to Hoseok’s again, enjoying the embrace while he could. He kept forgetting that Hoseok wasn't only his. As soon as Hyungwon was back from his trip, the beautiful man would return to his apartment, stay there and only visit when he had the time.

_It won't be an equal relationship, will it?_

_

 

It felt strange to be walking up the familiar stairs while feeling terrified for no reason. It wasn't an emotion that fit the situation. Sure, when Kyungwon had been scared for Hyungwon's life and panicked, asking the police to break the door, he had been terrified, but visiting his brother and his brother's boyfriend, who was also supposed to be his boyfriend now, shouldn't have been that scary. Not at all.

Just that Kyungwon had no idea what ‘Hyungwon is okay with it’ actually meant. He hadn't seen Hyungwon since then and the two of them hadn't talked about it. Therefore, he had no fucking clue what he was allowed to do and what he wasn't allowed to do. Was it fine to kiss, or did Hyungwon prefer to pretend that there was nothing? That Hoseok and him were only close behind closed doors?

_It's like Hoseok’s committing adultery, and you're the not so secret lover._

It was a mess and he was in the middle of it, caught up with his emotions and his wish to be close to Hoseok while not upsetting his brother either.

Sighing, he inserted the key into the lock, turning it and entering the familiar apartment. It was relatively quiet, and no music was playing, so he slipped in and assumed that the two of them would hear him well enough. As he slipped out of his shoes, Hyungwon's bright face appeared. His brother semi-jumped him with a hug and didn't let go, even when Kyungwon struggled to take off his shoes. It was calming somehow, like he didn't really hate him for what was going on.

“I missed you so much, you never visit,” Hyungwon exclaimed and dug his face into Kyungwon shirt, sounding a little frustrated. “You also don't cook as much and I'm hopeless. Hoseok is okay but he has his four favourite dishes and you're a little more creative. I'm really happy you came.” The smile on Hyungwon's face only got brighter as he turned towards Hoseok who appeared in the door frame. Kyungwon couldn't help the way his own eyes instantly shifted towards the other man, heart beating faster.

“Hey,” the blonde said with a smile while leaning against the wall, it looked a little intimate, as if the smile had been specially for him. He smiled back and wished to hug Hoseok, but he just didn't fucking know what was okay and what wasn’t, especially with Hyungwon all over him.

Swallowing, he licked over his lips and stroked over his brother’s back, who told him about his newest group of kids enthusiastically and how they were adorable when they tried to do body waves. It was sweet, but his head was focused on the way Hoseok leaned against that damn wall and watched them intently.

“Come in,” Hyungwon exclaimed eventually and let him go apart from his arm, pulling him into the living room, past Hoseok. The two of them must have been watching a movie.

Hoseok grabbed his hand briefly while he was passing by but didn't stop him. The blonde let Hyungwon pull him to the couch and followed right after.

It felt like a fucking melodrama, secretly sending each other signs in front of the person that wasn't meant to find out. Just that Hyungwon knew, at least that's what Hoseok had said.

_But why is nobody talking about it?_

“What have you guys been watching?” he asked into the quiet, hating the tense atmosphere. Hyungwon blushed a little and pressed the back button on the remote, which was sufficient for an answer. His brother was just too cute. “Disney? Really? But you watched them like 300 times and I thought that's what you do with me only. I'm offended. Do you even like Disney, Hoseok?” He focused his attention on the blonde man, still hoping that he could tell him what the fucking rules were.

“Nope, it's delulu, but I can watch it, Hyungwon likes it.” He grinned and walked over to them, throwing himself on top of the couch.

Kyungwon stared at the gorgeous man and the way the fabric of his pants collected at his crotch, swallowing uncomfortably. He would have sat down, but then again, did Hyungwon want to sit next to him or Hoseok? He had no idea.

A glance towards his brother revealed a rather obvious frown.

“Don't pretend like you didn't like watching them with me, Kyungwon. You know all the songs by heart and sang them while wearing just your underwear only a year or two ago,” Hyungwon murmured and pursed his lips.

_Well, fuck._

Kyungwon just rolled his eyes to pretend that it wasn't true without actually denying it and sat down next to Hoseok, hoping that Hyungwon would decide where he wanted to sit all on his own and make space if he needed it. Shit, Kyungwon was never this awkward, with anybody. Usually he just did whatever the fuck he wanted and aced the consequences.

“How are you?” he murmured towards Hoseok while Hyungwon clicked through the TV.

“I'm fine, but you don't look fine. Did something happen?” Hoseok shifted and came closer.

Kyungwon’s eyes instantly returned to Hyungwon who was still busy clicking through the TV channels which was weird considering that he never actually watched TV and had already passed all the relevant channels.

_Is he giving you space? You're probably being weird._

“I just don't know how to act and what's okay,” he whispered and sighed, reaching out and touching Hoseok’s thigh tentatively. It seemed so strange to do it while Hyungwon was there.

“Hyungwon, come here.” Hoseok leaned forward and grabbed his brother’s shirt, dragging him to the couch next to himself. “What kind of awkward situation is this? You both talk, and I'll drink a coffee, I'm choking on this awkwardness.”

“I- I'm fine, I just thought-" Hyungwon hesitated and held onto Hoseok’s arm like he didn't want him to leave. “I thought Kyungwon might need a bit of a break to- to get used to it. I'm okay.” The shy man seemed to mean it despite the hesitation and Kyungwon felt like an asshole for being the one that caused all the discomfort.

“I'm sorry for being awkward, I guess my head just waits for somebody to suddenly yell at me that it's crazy,” he murmured and kept his hand on Hoseok’s thigh, squeezing for his own reassurance.

“Talk.” Hoseok stood up and left, leaving them alone on the couch.

“Lovely,” Kyungwon commented when it was quiet for too long and he couldn't take it anymore, brushing through his hair in frustration. “Come here, Hyungwon.”

Instead of waiting for his brother to follow the invitation, he just grabbed him and pulled him on top of himself, doing what he always did when they had to talk.

_Just that it was never about something like this._

“This is kinda hard on me, Won, even though I know it should probably be hard on you. I just have no fucking idea how I'm supposed to act. You know how touchy I usually am, but I don't feel like I can just go and kiss the shit out of Hoseok while you're sitting here. Do you get my drift?” He spoke quickly, formulating his thoughts in a matter of seconds and just throwing them at the pretty man on his lap, looking just like him apart from the lack of devastation on his face. Hyungwon seemed rather calm, just a little surprised by the outburst.

“I- I just thought you would kiss him or something,” he murmured and chewed on his lip, seeming so damn vulnerable again.

“But is that okay with you? Are you fine with me kissing him just like that?” It just felt so difficult to believe that Hyungwon, the same person who had cried and fallen into a depressive episode because of Kyungwon's love for Hoseok, was telling him that kissing his boyfriend in front of his eyes was alright.

_But he was depressed because of hurting you, he felt useless in comparison. It can't be the same now, he got so much better when it comes to his thoughts about you._

“But you love each other, don't you? Just b-because Hoseok kisses you, it doesn't mean that he won't kiss me, d- does it?” There was color on Hyungwon's face and he played with his fingers, avoiding looking into Kyungwon's eyes. His brother was shy and hiding something.

“Of course, he'll still kiss you, he loves you like crazy just like everybody should because you're lovely, Hyungwon.” He reached out and stroked over Hyungwon's face and shoulders, wanting to calm him down and make him open up. “I just want to be sure that you're okay with this and not pulling any of your negative thoughts. Do you know what I mean, Won?”

The black-haired man nodded and shook his head, denying that it was about that.

“It's just- I like you both, Kyungwon, a lot, I'm happy when I have both of you around me. If that means that you kiss and are close, then that is okay with me. If it makes you and Hoseok happy then it's okay.” The smile on his brother's face was bright like sunshine, a little bit like Hoseok’s even, as if living together had made Hyungwon copy some of the characteristics for himself. The explanation sounded reasonable and like something the fragile man would think, but it still felt overwhelming to just go ahead with it.

“I just don't know how this is going to work out, Hyungwon. You know I've- never been in a relationship like this. It's all a little overwhelming and I'm just trying to not fuck up by not giving a shit about others. That's the problem, I have to care so much that I'm just terrified of ruining it,” he elaborated and buried his head in Hyungwon's embrace, focusing on the long fingers stroking his hair, so much like his own, soothing him.

“We'll figure this out. I- I also thought that I couldn't do relationships because I've never been in one, but it somehow worked, didn't it?” Hyungwon whispered and lifted his head with both his palms, placing a quick kiss to his lips. “And now let's just go and you'll be yourself, don't think about me too much. I'm fine and I don't mind the two of you kissing, it's really okay. I- I was even okay with all t-the bite marks you l-left on Hoseok."

_Holy fuck._

Kyungwon bit his cheek and nodded, struggling to imagine how his sweet brother would have reacted to him semi-violating his boyfriend.

_Why is he so open-minded about this? It seems like you're the only stuck up one._

He let Hyungwon slip down his lap carefully and stood up, chewing on his cheek. The other man was reassuring, smiling at him and pulling him towards the kitchen where Hoseok was drinking a cup of coffee, leaning against the counter.

“We're good,” Hyungwon exclaimed cheerfully and patted him on the back, as if he wanted to reassure him to do as he wished. It still felt a little strange when he crossed the distance and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, hoping to forget his worries as time passed. Establishing eye contact, he closed the distance, kissing Hoseok’s soft, curved lips and licking into the other man's mouth, in the same sensual way that he had before.

_Just this time it's in front of your brother._

Hoseok kissed back eagerly, and curled an arm around his waist, abandoning his coffee cup on the side.

“I missed you,” the blonde man whispered between the kisses. It was crazy somehow.

It felt so fucking relieving to be able to kiss Hoseok and just let the other man hold him like Kyungwon had wanted him to for the past few days.

“I missed you too, shitloads and without a fucking break,” he replied and raked a hand through Hoseok’s hair, enjoying the way it felt. Still it seemed like every touch wasn't long enough and he needed to treasure it, like a rare blessing.

A sudden gasp behind them, barely audible, forced his body to freeze in place, lips still grazing Hoseok’s softly.

The blonde turned, looking at Hyungwon who was standing on the side. Inhaling sharply, Kyungwon did the same. He wasn't quite sure what he had expected, his brother's upset face maybe, but instead he was just met with blushing cheeks and teeth that chewed on a plump lower lip. He looked embarrassed and instantly covered his mouth with his palm.

“I'm- I'm sorry, just- go ahead, it's fine,” he murmured through the spaces between his fingers and Kyungwon just wanted to cuddle him and stroke his fucking back. Why was Hyungwon always like this?

“Want to join?” Hoseok grinned and opened his arms wide. Hyungwon only blushed further and stammered something incomprehensible as he slowly walked towards them but stopped next to the coffee machine.

“But- isn't the point that- I don't even know- that you guys are close?”

_He's just as unsure as you are._

“For fuck’s sake,” Kyungwon cursed and curled his hand around his brother's wrist, pulling him closer. It was so weird. Usually he would have been angry at someone acting like that, but when it was Hyungwon he just wanted to give him everything and make him happy. Who knew, maybe that was how Hoseok felt too?

Instead of pulling Hyungwon towards himself, he pulled him to the side, so that he landed beautifully in Hoseok’s arms. It still felt awkward, especially with how close Kyungwon was to Hoseok’s lips, but well.

Still, Hyungwon's response made no sense.

“Do you like watching us being close?” Hoseok asked, placing a kiss on Hyungwon's pretty lips and slipping one hand under Kyungwon’s shirt. Holy shit, Hoseok was sneaky.

Kyungwon pressed his lips together to not make any noise as Hyungwon curled his arms around Hoseok’s waist, basically taking the space that was still free although he usually hugged the blonde man's neck too.

“Well- it's- it's p-pretty I guess, but I'm also happy, because the two of you look really happy. It's- yeah. Must I talk about this? I'm embarrassed.” Chewing on his bottom lip, Hyungwon hid his face in Hoseok’s shoulder, stroking over his waist. It was easy to tell because Kyungwon could feel his brother's fingers move and graze his own sides due to the proximity.

“I love it when you're embarrassed, but you'd probably be scared if you saw how your brother behaves normally,” Hoseok commented with a nasty grin and stroked along the seam of his jeans, roaming over his naked lower back.

Kyungwon couldn't help but think that Hoseok was basically winning at life.

He let one hand move downwards from Hoseok’s neck and squeezed the other man's firm butt, continuing along his thigh.

“Do- do you mean that he's r-rough?” Hyungwon asked carefully and glanced towards him, which instantly forced him to pretend that he wasn't doing anything in particular, probably not very successfully with how his brother's eyes glanced down to his hand.

“He’s bitten me before too. He- he has a short temper, but it's fine,” the sweet man continued and randomly placed a kiss on his cheek before returning his face to the crook of Hoseok’s neck. Well, so much to being exposed.

“Biting? He's like a mad cat, I don't think you can imagine,” the blonde man hissed and cupped his ass, squeezing it tightly.

“Oh, shut up,” Kyungwon exclaimed and suddenly had the urge to pull Hoseok’s hair and make him beg for some reason. His head worked like that. Instead he just huffed out air through his nose and frowned at Hoseok.

“Well- I've seen the marks on your neck and b-body,” Hyungwon replied and only blushed further, looking at the two of them before hiding his face. Why was he so sweet? Dear God, Kyungwon was like a beast in comparison.

_Fair enough._

‘Why is he so adorable?’ he mouthed at Hoseok and gestured towards his brother's hidden face, unable to hide the smile that developed.

“I know right, I love it.” Hoseok smiled at him and it looked so fucking beautiful. “Either way, we have to talk about this a lot because it won't just run by itself, you're both fine right now but it doesn't mean anything,” the blonde muttered, pulling him closer.

Hoseok was right, sure, Hyungwon was relaxed right now and blushing sweetly but that could change as quickly as his mood did, just like he could feel out of place and easily slip into his awkwardness. Just because his brother told him that kissing was okay, it didn’t mean that everything was settled. Kyungwon still had no idea what he was allowed to do and what not.

“You have a point,” he remarked and placed a kiss on Hoseok’s curved lips. The other man's smile was so beautiful, he wanted to see it all the fucking time. “I feel like I'm in school for the first time and no one gave me the schedule.”

“That actually happened, Won, mom forgot to give you the schedule,” Hyungwon murmured and grabbed his wrist without looking, squeezing it reassuringly. “I think- I think we can work this out. We just need to talk- and- I'll try not to blush, Kyungwon will try not to get angry and Hoseok will try not to run away. Then- then it should be fine, or not?”

“Don't know, let's see, and now please sit down or I'll go crazy, my libido can't handle this.” Hoseok exhaled sharply and let go of both of them.

Kyungwon laughed at that, amused by how easily Hoseok was affected. Well, it would have been a lie to say that he wasn't, especially after he had wanted to go out the day before and get laid and realized that he's actually in a relationship and had no need to do so anymore because he had someone. It was a mess and sudden and his libido was probably just as active as Hoseok’s if not more.

“I'm sure your dick can take it,” he remarked with a chuckle and let go, throwing himself on one of the kitchen chairs. Hyungwon hesitated before climbing up on the counter, he always loved to sit there, very much like Shrimp to be honest.

“Better?” Kyungwon asked with a grin once Hoseok was the only one standing next to the coffee machine. It felt a little artificial.

“All of this is kinda weird,” the blonde muttered and turned to the coffee machine, pressing the button and waiting ‘till the dark brown liquid filled his cup.

“But you want it,” Kyungwon replied with a sigh and crossed his legs, forcing himself to keep his composure. He had no idea how this was supposed to work but he wanted it to work. “And so do I. It could always be worse, so I guess we're doing okay for now. No one is crying, and I haven't lost my shit yet.”

“Mhm, I just hope it'll turn natural eventually.” Taking a big gulp of his milky coffee, Hoseok couldn't focus his gaze on one of them, always jumping between them without concentrating for too long.

_Just like back then when he couldn't tell you apart._

Kyungwon swallowed and merely nodded in reply, watching the way Hoseok held himself, doubts and insecurities just as obvious as they were in Hyungwon who chewed on his lips and watched them quietly. It felt like he was the one who walked through the door and brought along the problems, breaking the calm atmosphere that had been there before.

_If you hadn't fallen in love none of this would have happened._

Why did feelings change so much? They had been fine when they hung out before and they should have been fine now. The only difference was that Kyungwon was allowed to act on his feelings instead of sucking them up. Was it really all that different? Were there no rules to follow?

His hands shivered a little at the questions and the fear of Hyungwon changing his mind or the whole thing falling apart like a castle of sand.

Kyungwon had no idea, but he had also never wanted anything to work out as much as this.

 

***

 

He was a coward.

Sure, Hyungwon had told him that it was okay to be close to his brother and he had even slept with Kyungwon once, but again he didn't visit him since they had the talk at their apartment. Even Kyungwon himself came over and spent time with Hyungwon when he was at work, but Hoseok was hopeless.

_You want to go but you're a coward. What are you so afraid of all the time?_

Change? Was he scared that things would change between Hyungwon and him, Kyungwon and him and finally between both brothers? Suddenly the whole scale of this mess appeared in front of his eyes, blowing up his own role and showing him the immense responsibility he had in all this.

_You're the reason for this._

He had slept with Hyungwon and they lay in bed cuddling as the other man almost fell asleep after Hoseok fucked him for the second time that day.

_Because you're trying to compensate for wanting Kyungwon, so Hyungwon has to deal with your crazy sex drive._

“Are you tired?” he asked even though he knew the answer already. The beautiful, black-haired man lay in his arms, absolutely exhausted and covered in sweat after his packed day and the repeated expression of Hoseok's libido.

“Mmh,” Hyungwon hummed, curling up in Hoseok’s embrace and exhaling against the pale skin of his chest. A few seconds passed until the black-haired man suddenly opened his eyes and lifted his head, staring at him.

“I just- I feel like your compensating for something. Like back then.”

_Amazing._

“Mhm. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this,” he murmured and buried his head in Hyungwon's slim shoulder curling his arms tighter around his slim body.

“It's not like it's just me, Hoseok,” his boyfriend whispered and placed a kiss on the top of his head, stroking over his naked back. “It's mainly you and- I just remember how you told me that back then you were scared of asking me about my condition, so you just jumped into the s-sexual. Aren't you- aren't you doing the same now? Afraid of r-responsibility?”

_Since when is Hyungwon better at reflecting your behavior than you?_

“You're right.” He sighed while tightening his grip involuntarily. “I- what am I supposed to do?” It was dumb really, how would Hyungwon know what he was supposed to do if he had been the one to start all this mess? He should've been happily dating both brothers and shut the fuck up.

“I'm- I'm not sure, Hoseok, but-” Hyungwon exhaled against the top of his head, pushing a few strands to the side. “But maybe talking to Kyungwon is a first step, he's- he always pretends to be really strong and like he doesn't care but things like this- like this lack of contact, can hurt him a lot. Yesterday he- he jokingly said that even I kiss him more than you do.”

_Fuck. You're such an asshole, torturing him for more than a year, telling him it's okay, fucking him and not visiting after that. Holy shit._

Hoseok wasn't a coward, he was a selfish asshole. He had forgotten how much Kyungwon was suffering from this, the drunk calling and all those moments when the other man had wanted his affection and he just acted as if nothing was going on between them. He didn't deserve any of it.

“Shit, I'm so sorry, I end up only thinking about myself and my own fears and I didn't think about it at all. Fuck. I- I'm going to go there today, is it okay if I stay over? But you might have to treat my wounds because he will want to kill me.” Hoseok pulled Hyungwon closer to his chest and placed a kiss on top of the other man's head, thankful for all the emotional support his boyfriend was providing on a daily basis.

“Of course, it's fine, just, it's almost midnight, do you think it's fine? You could take a cab,” Hyungwon murmured and watched him intently, like he tried to figure him out.

“I could also go tomorrow, he's probably tired,” he murmured and buried his face in the crook of Hyungwon's neck.

It was quiet until the black-haired man shook his head slowly.

“He- he can't sleep well alone and he sounded very dark last time. I- I think it's better if you go.”

_You tried to push this, didn't you?_

“I'll go.” Standing up he pulled his jeans and shirt over his body, kissed Hyungwon goodbye for at least three whole minutes and left the apartment, feeling dread pile up from the thoughts about all the things he had been doing to Kyungwon without realizing.

 

Arriving at the familiar building, he hesitated for a couple of seconds before pressing the bell thrice, accidentally. There was nothing until he heard a buzzing of the door and ran up the stairs, feeling his heartbeat hammering in his chest.

Kyungwon was standing at the top, dressed in a mostly transparent silk robe and kept the door opened. The lines of his tight, black briefs were visible through the thin fabric and most of his chest was uncovered, only held together by a silk belt, loosely tied around the other man's waist. The closer Hoseok got, the more obvious the unnaturally tight grip with which the black-haired man held the door became, knuckles and fingers a deadly white color compared to the light brown of the wood.

“Fuck off, Hoseok,” Kyungwon forced through his lips, pulled together into a thin line and eyes narrowed. His chest was rising and falling quickly, revealing the tension in the other man's muscles and how his big hands were shaking. Although the words weren't welcoming, Kyungwon still kept the door opened, not closing it in Hoseok’s face although he could have.

“I can't,” he muttered and bridged the distance, using his body mass to push the other man into his apartment. Kyungwon only tensed further and inhaled sharply through his nose, staring at him. He looked hurt, so fucking hurt.

Letting go, Hoseok closed the door behind himself and glanced up into the gorgeous face. Kyungwon probably hadn’t slept, there were dark circles under his eyes.

“I suck at this.”

“You don't suck at _this_ , you fucking suck, Hoseok. I hate you,” the black-haired man hissed and clenched his fists. Kyungwon’s lower lip was trembling as he watched Hoseok intently, not looking away. The minimal light of the bedside lamp, standing at the other end of the loft, was reflected by the tall man's eyes. They appeared wet.

_It's because of you. He's like this because of you. It's even worse than it was when you weren't in a relationship yet._

“You do? You're most definitely right about this, I'm sorry. I'm a coward, I suck, and I'm scared without thinking of anybody else. You- if you really want me to leave, I'll leave.” He stepped a little closer but left enough space between them in case that Kyungwon didn't want to be close.

The other man chewed on his cheek and didn't reply, holding his breath as if he tried to keep himself under control.

“Do you-” Kyungwon finally released the air he had been holding and sucked another deep breath into his mouth. “Do you really think you can just ditch me for a week, come back all apologetic and fuck me into the mattress, just to fuck off for a week again? Who the fuck do you think I am to just patiently sit at the fucking door step and have you walk all over me like this?”

The black-haired man was almost screaming with how he raised his voice, stepping closer towards Hoseok and eyes wide.

“What the fuck does your fucking apology give me, Hoseok?” Kyungwon hit his shoulders roughly, forcing him to move a step back. “How the fuck does it make it better, you piece of shit?”

_Fuck._

Hoseok had never seen Kyungwon angry and hurt at the same time, it was scary. He sucked in a breath and left his hands at his sides without touching him.

“It doesn't. It doesn't make it better, but I am still sorry for hurting you and I still missed you even though it doesn't help you. I didn't expect anything before coming here, I just came to say that I really care about you and that I did something to hurt you which I'm sincerely sorry about. You can of course tell me to fuck off and not accept it, I will respect that, Kyungwon. Fuck, I don't even know why I'm like this, I love you so fucking much, I want to be with you every second, but- either way, I was wrong. A lot of times, starting one year ago. I should've told you that I felt the same and not act as if I wanted you to stop touching me.” Hoseok talked without a break, stepping back a little and feeling how the tears started burning in his eyes.

_You idiot. You'll lose him._

Kyungwon smiled a little but it hurt to see with how his lower lip still trembled and he took a shaky breath.

“There is just one thing I don't understand, Hoseok,” he whispered and looked up, staring at him as a tear threatened to bridge his eyelid and run down his cheek. “If there is something that you regret and feel apologetic about, something that you apologize to me for, then why- why would you do it again and again?”

_Because you don't want to fuck up. But you still do. You fucked up and you hurt him so fucking much. He should just move on and forget you._

“I don't want to break anything but, in the end,,  I still do. What am I supposed to do, Kyungwon?” He sunk down to his knees and stared up at the other man's beautiful face. “I just want you, what do you want me to do?” he whispered.

The other man broke the eye contact, glancing up at the ceiling and visibly fighting with himself as his hands remained clenched into fists and a few single tears made their way down his cheeks, running down his neck and disappearing under the robe.

“I'm- no fucking wall, Hoseok. I can't just keep standing whenever you kick me. It's- it's fucking hard,” Kyungwon whispered and rubbed over his eyes with his forearm, attempting to remove the tears without letting Hoseok see. “I just want to know that you mean it. You say you love me, but you leave me all alone, every fucking time. How am I supposed to believe you like this? You're just empty words and affection, Hoseok, affection that I fell for but that isn't even mine to have.”

The other man's words were enough to make his tears drop one after another, soaking the fabric of his jeans. Curling his arms around the other man's legs, he rested his forehead against Kyungwon’s right thigh.

“Please forgive me, shit, I won't leave you alone, I swear, I need you, Kyungwon and I love you so fucking much. I know it all sounds empty to you, but it's not to me. I'm so fucking scared that something will break between you and me, Hyungwon and me, you and Hyungwon. I don't know how to deal with this pressure, it's killing me. I can't fucking think and I keep hurting you, I don't even know if I want you to forgive me at this point.” He almost sobbed but sucked in air instead and tightened his grip on the other man's thighs.

Kyungwon remained quiet and wiped over his face with his arm again, breaths shaky much like his whole body.

“Then fucking talk if you're scared,” Kyungwon whispered and reached down, intertwining his fingers with the blonde strands of his hair, keeping them there. “How the fuck is it supposed to go away if you just hide away and don't do anything about it? Stop being a coward and talk, say what you're afraid of and we'll try to help. You make it sound like it's just about you, Hoseok. It's not, Hyungwon and me want this just as much as you do, so let us be part of it for fuck’s sake.”

He didn't say anything, he just cried. Kneeling in front of Kyungwon and hugging his legs because he was afraid that he had fucked up so bad that the other man didn't want him anymore.

_You should've behaved like an asshole back then, thereby saving Kyungwon from all the suffering because of you._

“Just ditch me,” he whispered, realizing that it had been the only right course of action from Kyungwon’s side.

The grip in his hair tightened as Kyungwon lifted Hoseok’s head away from his legs, crouching down to stare at him properly, eyes big and dark.

“You're still a coward, Hoseok, believing that it'll be easier if I just leave you like that and you won't have to change. I won't do you that favor,” the black-haired man hissed and exhaled against his lips. “So you better fucking work on it, show me how much you love me and that you fucking mean it.”

“I will. I'm sorry that there's nothing to love about me, but I'll still try, because I still want you although I'm like this,” he said after the numbness took over after all the tears.

The grip loosened and transformed into soft strokes along his scalp, long fingers massaging over it and lean arms pulling him into an embrace. Warm air was hitting his cheek until he felt Kyungwon's lips against his, not demanding or rough, just soft and affectionate.

“You're an idiot, Hoseok,” the black-haired man murmured and placed another kiss on his lips. “There is a mass of things to love about you, otherwise I'd be long gone. I fucking love you, you asshole.”

He felt how more tears made their way down, staining Kyungwon’s pretty robe.

“I love you and I'm so fucking sorry for everything that I've put you through, you didn't deserve any of it. I told Hyungwon that I'll be staying over, but I can also go home if you don't want to see me. It's okay.” Leaning back a little he tried to calm down his hands that were shivering a little. The last time he cried had been on the stupid hospital veranda more than a year ago. He almost forgot how it felt.

“Shh, it's fine, Hoseok,” Kyungwon murmured into his ear and continued to stroke over his head and back, keeping him close. “Don't leave me again just because you feel bad. Stay.”

“Whatever you say,” he whispered and curled his arms around Kyungwon’s slim waist to not feel them shake.

“Would you like to take shower? Hyungwon said it calms you down, come on,” the black-haired man murmured and stood up, taking Hoseok along and pulling him up to his feet. Kyungwon used both arms to stabilize him, not struggling as much as Hyungwon would have. Once they arrived at the bathroom, the other man easily slipped his shirt over his head and unbuttoned his jeans, working quickly while still placing kisses on his naked skin.

_Kisses you don't fucking deserve._

“You remind me of Hyungwon,” Kyungwon commented and stood up, loosening the belt around his waist and simply letting the silk robe fall to the floor, pooling around his naked feet. Slipping out of his underwear right after, the other man pulled him into a gigantic shower stall, easily accommodating both of them and more. As if it was his full intention, Kyungwon turned the water to cold and curled his arms around his neck, pulling him close.

“Aren't you cold?” Hoseok asked and pulled him into a tight hug.

“It helps to clear one’s head,” the other man whispered in his ear and merely stayed in his embrace, exhaling against his shoulder and raking through his hair.

Hoseok remained in place, feeling as if he didn't deserve any of the people who made him happy.

When the cold started to freeze the blood in their veins, Kyungwon switched it to warm and sighed, staring at Hoseok.

“If you were Hyungwon, I would wish to hug you until you feel better, but you make me want to slap you instead. You made a mistake, now work on it, Hoseok. Seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to feel? I should be crying and upset but here you are spacing out.” The other man squeezed his body as hard as he could and kissed his lips before continuing. “I love you and you said you love me too. Do you?”

He hummed, wrapping his arms tighter around Kyungwon’s warm waist.

“Then act like it,” the black-haired man said with a smile and pulled at his hair a little, tilting his head so that he had better access to his mouth.

“But it makes me happy and I don't feel like I should be after making the person I love miserable.” It made sense, it really did. He had made Kyungwon cry and basically tortured him for over a year in addition to the fuckery during the last two weeks.

“Listen up, genius,” Kyungwon said and pulled at his lower lip with his teeth. “You made me miserable and you cried in my arms because you felt bad. Don't you think you should compensate by making me happy instead of making yourself miserable? What the fuck would that give me? I love you and I love to see you, preferably happy, so be a good boy and make me happy too, Hoseok.”

The other man leaned against one of the glass walls and pulled Hoseok’s towards him, so that he was pressing against him while warm water hit his back.

“Shit, I missed you so much, Kyungwon, I thought about you all the time and I wanted to come so badly, Hyungwon had to deal with it too.” He hissed at the proximity but pressed the other man's slim body further into the wall.

“I know, he mentioned it,” Kyungwon murmured against his lips and let both of his big hands slide down Hoseok’s back until they reached his ass and he dug his fingers into it. “So it was too damn hard to just come here? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen?”

_Worst thing?_

“I deal with my problems through sex, so yeah.” It was easy, he had wanted to talk, but sex was always easier, especially with how receptive and fucking active Kyungwon was.

“So, you thought we would fuck but not talk?” the other man asked and lifted an eyebrow while playing with his butt cheeks and pushing their hips together. “So, you thought it's safer to not visit for a week, avoid fucking, but then fuck anyway, like last time? You're funny, Hoseok, hilarious even. Especially since you just fucked Hyungwon instead.”

“Yes, I'm sorry about that. I didn't want to come here to have sex with you today, I made sure I wouldn't jump you, but- shit, you make it hard on me.” He felt how his arousal spiked up although he had tried hard to suppress it.

Kyungwon grinned and allowed one hand to leave Hoseok’s ass, curling around his almost fully hard dick instead, and purposefully rubbed it over his own, lean thigh.

“You know, I don't see your problem with sex because I obviously wished to sleep with you too, all the fucking time. I mean, I basically had sex every second day, so I can't just suddenly not have any and talk and drink tea, Hoseok.” Kyungwon hissed and scratched along his butt while rubbing the tip of his erection with his thumb. “My point is that we don't only fuck, we talk too, especially while lying in bed and I just don't understand your fears. You can't fuck me all the time when we are together. Especially not if you leave right after like a fucking asshole.”

“Don't test me,” Hoseok commented and moved his hips, feeling how his grip tightened around Kyungwon’s body.

“I'm not testing you, I missed you, you asshole,” Kyungwon hissed and pulled Hoseok’s hips further into his own before curling his long fingers around both of their erections, stroking a few times and squeezing just right. “I just want to see you more often than next week when you feel bad for being a coward.”

“I meant don't test me in terms of fucking you all the time that we are together. I'll come, but please come visit me too, I can't always run here when I miss you, Hyungwon will kill me. Okay, he won't, but he'll be unhappy, and I don't want that.” Moaning at the sensation he pressed Kyungwon against the wall with his hips, lifting his hand and grabbing a fistful of the other man's wet hair.

“Shit,” Kyungwon cursed and gasped at the sudden spark of pain that must have passed through his scalp. “You know that I'm not sure how to act when I visit, I still don't know what's okay and what isn't, so it's easier for you to come here, dick.” Despite the insults the long fingers continued to stroke over both of their erections, tightening at the tip before resuming the motion. “Also, aw at all that stamina talk.”

“Don't act as if you don't like it, I know damn well, that you do. Even if you try to fight you'd love to see me show my stamina.” They were at it again, somehow it always happened when it got sexual, they were fucking explosive.

“I wouldn't mind switching it up, but you're a coward,” Kyungwon gasped with a smirk and dug the nails of his left hand into Hoseok’s back, holding on while he lifted his thigh to improve the angle with which he stroked both of their erections.

“I don't like moving stuff, you self-confident prick, but I might let you plug me if you're being nice,” he hissed, lifting Kyungwon’s thighs in the air pressing him further into the wall.

The other man's eyes narrowed, but he must have liked the idea too much with how he bit down on his lip and curled his legs tightly around Hoseok’s hips, rolling them into his own hand.

“I'm sure I could keep my fingers perfectly still while sucking your dick,” he breathed out and put two fingers between his plump lips before sliding them out slowly as if to prove a point. “They're pretty long too.”

“I'm intrigued, I might let you, let's see how you behave.” Shit, he wanted to fuck Kyungwon so badly. “You must love my ass so much.”

“I sure do, makes me want to bite it,” Kyungwon replied and leaned in to nibble on Hoseok’s bottom lip, gasping into his mouth each time the other man's long fingers tightened around their tips. “But right now, I want your dick, Hoseok.”

“Fuck, I want your tight body around me, do you need to get ready?” He was getting impatient, tightening his grip and biting into the soft skin of Kyungwon’s neck.

The other man grinned as he threw his head back and revealed more of his gorgeous neck, just enough to confront Hoseok with his half-lidded eyes and pretty teeth that bit into his full, red bottom lip. With one corner of his mouth lifted, the beautiful man shook his head.

“Fuck me here, against the shower wall.”

“Let me get the lube, you crazy fucker,” he commented and walked out of the shower without drying himself and getting the lube out of Kyungwon’s drawer, hurrying back. Sure, the other man was nuts, but he still wanted to fuck him again. Probably soon, so lube was a must.

The black-haired man was standing in the shower, head thrown back against the glass and long fingers curled around his own beautifully straight erection, giving it slow strokes, eyes closed.

“Fingers, mouth or this?” he asked, stepping into the shower while stroking his erection and biting into the slightly red skin of the other man's neck.

“Fuck,” Kyungwon cursed and turned around, placing his palms flat on the glass above his head as he bent his body. “Whatever drives you up the wall, tiger.”

_This fucker._

“Turn around then.” Turning the other man's slim hips, he coated his fingers and kneeled down. “Now that I've been on my knees once already, you can enjoy it some more, you dominant fucker.” He pressed his fingers against the other man's entrance and sucked on the slightly red tip, precum visible.

“Well, shit-" Kyungwon remarked and lifted his right leg up, resting it over Hoseok’s shoulder making it easier for him to enter his body, especially with how quickly he relaxed against the shower wall. “This is unfair, you know exactly how to hit because of-” He wasn't able to finish his sentence as Hoseok pushed two fingers into his tight body and rubbed against the sensitive spot he had no difficulties in finding.

The gorgeous man moaned and threw his head back, long fingers settling in Hoseok’s hair and pulling him further over his erection, while the slim hips basically tried to slam against his hand, urgency obvious.

_He likes having control, give him a little, before you take it back._

“Fuck my mouth, kitty,” he commented after giving himself a break and pausing the movements of his hand.

The other man's eyes instantly settled on his face, almost black and long fingers pulled him forward.

“I'd love to,” Kyungwon whispered and parted Hoseok’s lips with his erection before thrusting forward, first slow while keeping Hoseok’s head steady with the help of his grip, then faster. The black-haired man must have been loving it with how his thighs shivered from the sensation, balls pulling up once in a while. “Gimme your fingers, fuck.”

Hoseok relaxed his throat and rubbed the sensitive spot, pumping his fingers into the other man's body, adding a third one skillfully.

“Fuck, you fucking-" Kyungwon cursed and Hoseok could tell how the rhythm of his hips stuttered at the motion, body contracting around his fingers. The other man must have been close, eyes remaining shut and mouth parted with how loudly he moaned at the pleasure. “Give it to me, Hoseok, shit-”

He removed his hand and let Kyungwon’s erection fall out of his mouth before coating his dick, lifting the gorgeous man and letting him slide down his length.

_Without a condom._

How he didn't think about a condom was a mystery, he still didn't fuck Hyungwon bareback. It was something they still had to talk about.

_But you fucked his brother, bareback, first time you'd been close. Genius._

“Shit, I love the way you feel, Hoseok, you veiny motherfucker,” Kyungwon mumbled and held onto Hoseok’s shoulders like his life depended on it. The control the black-haired man had over his body was impressive, the way he relaxed perfectly and tensed just when it was supposed to feel good, basically pulling Hoseok into the tight heat.

“It's nice being experienced, isn't it?” He grinned and waited for a couple of seconds before moving out and slamming into Kyungwon’s tight body, holding his hips in place to get the angle and sinking his teeth into the other man's skin.

“Fuck yes,” Kyungwon screamed, scratching over his shoulders and already pushing back even before Hoseok had moved back out, throwing his head to the side. “Fucking hell, fuck me stupid, Hoseok, god.”

_How are you even functioning after fucking Hyungwon stupid an hour ago?_

Hoseok wanted to fuck the other man against the wall so he did, moving fast and precise while enjoying every single moan and the sharp nails breaking the skin on his back. It was okay, Kyungwon was allowed to do that.

The gorgeous man was losing his mind, screaming with each rough thrust and throwing his head from side to side while water continued to hit their naked bodies.

“Make me come, Hoseok, fuck-" he gasped and scratched over Hoseok’s back again, desperation and arousal tipping over. “Make me come, you asshole.”

“Touch yourself,” he groaned and picked up pace but alternated slower sensual thrusts with rough slams, making sure that Kyungwon could feel it all while he tried to push his orgasm back.

Kyungwon was screaming his name like a mantra and reached between their bodies to curl his hands around his own leaking erection. He looked gorgeous, face fucked out and covered in blush, teeth biting down on his lower lip just to let go and release another unrestrained moan or loud scream, melting with each spark of pleasure that Hoseok evoked inside of him.

“I love you, I fucking love you, I never felt like this, shit-" the black-haired man gasped as his whole body tensed, pulling Hoseok deeper inside of him, and he released himself into his own hand. Rough breaths were leaving his plump lips as he glanced up and stared at Hoseok, gaze intense.

“I want you to come inside me.”

Hoseok nodded and grabbed his ass tighter, moving his hips in the angle he liked. He rolled them to get more friction and felt how the coil travelled down, tightening and exploding along his groin, running down his legs and spreading all over his chest while he released himself in Kyungwon’s tight body.

“I love you so much, fuck, I've never done this before, it feels crazy. You feel crazy, you're fucking me up.” He couldn't really talk so he curled his arms around the other man. “It's funny, I thought I was really good at being in a relationship, with Hyungwon at least, but then you come along and make me feel as if I'm the worst. That's new, I have to get used to that. To get used to the fact that I can hurt you by doing what I always do.”

Kyungwon was breathing heavily, lips glistening from licking over them repeatedly just like the rest of his body from a mixture of sweat and water.

“You mean you ignored him for a week and it was fine or what?” the other man asked in disbelief before grabbing Hoseok’s shoulders tightly and using the grip to slide off his dick, letting cum run down their bodies. The water did the rest. “Sorry, but no discussing while balls deep. It distracts me because it feels too new.”

Hoseok hummed, letting his fingers stroke along the smooth skin of Kyungwon’s chest and shoulders. “I wouldn't say ignored. But I think you're a little unfair. You could’ve come over too, but you didn't. You could've called but you didn't, but then you're standing here telling me that it's not only about me. You know that it sounds like bullshit? If it's not only about me you could've called or told me to fucking Come here if you couldn’t go over yourself.”

_At least Hyungwon never blamed you for not coming. Maybe he should've._

Kyungwon’s eyes widened and he began to chew on his cheek, fingers tentatively sliding along Hoseok’s arms that were still holding him up.

“You-" The other man hesitated again as if the words were difficult and sighed. “You're right. I'm sorry too, I just still feel like I'm a little bit like the lover on the side you know? The one that you commit ‘informed’ adultery with when your significant other isn't there. Sure, I know that it's not the intention and not the point either, but since I'm here by myself and you guys are always together it feels like I'm the extra, the one who's suddenly intruding. I just thought that if you really want me, then you'll come to me, but that didn't work too well. I'm sorry too.”

“Listen, I also really wanted to come over, but for me it's strange to say ‘well, I'm going to see Kyungwon, bye’ every day. I can't help but feel bad about it, as if I'm neglecting him although he seems fine, but what exactly will he be fine with? His patience and acceptance can't be infinite, can they?” Hoseok sighed and pressed his forehead against the wet tiles.

“I know what you mean,” Kyungwon whispered back and raked through his hair, massaging along his scalp. “It's a mess. It's new for all of us so we just don't know what to do. Can't we just all cuddle up so that I can fucking sleep? I'm sorry for being so demanding but I'm also not because I struggle to concentrate at work and we have enough idiots already, I don't want to be one of them.”

“Do you- want to sleep over at our place? Tomorrow for example?” He knew that it would probably be awkward and strange, but they needed to explore it to see where the boundaries were and how their dynamics worked.

“I- well- if it's okay, then- yeah- I guess,” Kyungwon semi-stuttered and punched Hoseok’s chest unexpectedly. “Fuck, don't make me stutter.”

“I love it,” he commented and smiled, closing the distance and placing an incredibly soft kiss on the other man's lips. “And I love you.”

He really hoped that it would get less complicated instead of them uncovering more and more problems before solving the previous ones.

_Work. You have to work for it._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

Hoseok had been right, sex was a bad problem solving strategy.

Despite fucking in the shower, cuddling through most of the night and deciding on a course of action, a three-way relationship didn’t become any easier. It was rather the opposite, fucking complicated things with way too many people involved and feelings that could be hurt, accidentally or not so accidentally.

Kyungwon was pretty sure that talking about the actual problems involved might have made it a little easier but Hoseok and him weren’t that far yet. They first had to settle the fear of visiting, a fear that was much more mutual than Kyungwon had thought at first.

He was sitting in his Porsche in front of the dance studio and waiting for his brother to come walking out of the big red doors, cheerful as always and hopefully without any awkwardness. Until now it had gone pretty well, conversations light but still personal as they always were. They hadn’t talked about Hoseok too much, at least apart from Kyungwon’s previous frustration with the other man’s inability to visit.

Meeting Hyungwon wasn’t the real challenge yet, coming home with him and staying over was. He hadn’t done it since Hoseok and Hyungwon had moved in together, basically moving the brother nights to his place, even though they were rare. There was something about needing to be home that Hyungwon had kept despite everything. The sweet man just disliked being anywhere else but home during the night and that’s just how it was.

_Maybe staying over will make it easier._

Kyungwon wasn’t too sure about that, but he was sure about getting more sleep than he did on his own. Alone he just curled into a ball and drowned in his insomnia.

The sudden opening of the passenger door almost gave him a heart attack as Hyungwon climbed in, smiling brightly and throwing his sports bag on the backseat.

“Hi there, were you spacing out?” his brother asked and let himself sink into the seat, visibly exhausted.

 

“Did Hyunwoo go hard on you, or the kids?” Kyungwon asked with a grin and leaned over to fasten Hyungwon’s seat belt cause the other man didn’t look like he had any strength for that. Ruffling his brother’s hair, he started the motor and got going.

“You make it sound weird,” Hyungwon whined and covered his face with his hands, as if he cringed more than just internally. Kyungwon just laughed and turned into his favorite spot at Emma’s cafe.

“You should be used to it by now. Are you sure that coffee is fine? I could also just drive your tiny butt home already and let you relax.” Kyungwon squeezed the other man’s shoulder and examined his facial expressions, internally hoping that he was going to say that he wanted coffee because he was kind of pussying out about the whole staying over thing. Having some more time to think about it was probably good.

“It’s fine, let’s drink some coffee,” Hyungwon said quietly and examined his facial expressions intently.

_You’re probably obvious._

“Also- my butt- it looks like yours, doesn’t it?” His brother sounded upset at first but seemed to doubt the accusation the longer he talked, glancing at Kyungwon’s backside as they walked to the cafe. Hyungwon was hopeless.

“It does, just way cuter,” he commented and slapped it, making Hyungwon yelp and glare at him. It felt good, easy and simple, without any of the pressure that dating the same person forced upon them.

_Just keep it like this._

If Kyungwon had to choose the person that knew the most about him and that he was the closest to, the answer would have always been Hyungwon. The other man had been with him through all of his epiphanies and developments, decisions and struggles. If there was one person, he could share a partner with then it should have been Hyungwon. After all they shared everything else, even their fucking face.

“Hoseok still feels bad for hurting you like that, I hope you forgave him,” Hyungwon started out as soon as they sat down, playing with his shirt and giving Kyungwon exactly zero time to prepare for the conversation.

“Well, I guess I did, didn’t he tell you? I wouldn’t look like I actually slept for once if I hadn’t forgiven him,” Kyungwon replied and pursed his lips, glancing towards Emma and hoping to get his coffee soon. He fucking needed it for where this talk was probably going.

“He was worried about his behavior although he didn’t have time to elaborate on that yet. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, much better, just scared shitless as usual.” Kyungwon laughed at admitting how unfamiliar he was with the territory. He didn’t fucking know what he was doing and if it was going to work out. Hyungwon seemed so calm in comparison, like he was positive about the whole thing.

_Shouldn’t you be the most positive one? You finally got what you wanted, kind of._

He hadn’t really planned for the lack of contact for a whole week, but he just hoped that Hoseok had gotten over his fear of coming over, at least a little.

_And you should fucking come over, like today._

“You- I don’t think you need to be scared,” his brother murmured and curled his fingers around the cup of coffee that Emma placed in front of him with a bright smile. “At least not because of me. I’m really fine- I promise. I just wish- well- that both of you stop being so scared around me. It seems like I’m the reason for all of this and- and I actually wanted to be the solution.” Hyungwon bit down on his lip, abusing it and stared down at the table, eyes jumping from his cup to his spoon and back.

Kyungwon wanted to facepalm. Not because of Hyungwon, the other man had a reason for being worried and feeling concerned about them dancing around him like in a fucking affair. It was just so fucking hard to just relax after knowing how hurt he could be and how quickly one could throw him out of balance. Kyungwon just didn’t want to risk it.

_But maybe you should also listen to him and not just your experience._

“I’m sorry, Hyungwon,” he sighed and reached out, curling his hand around his brother’s and hoping that it reassured him a little. “I’m just not used to it. In general, not only around you. Dating as such is a fucking mystery to me. How the hell did you ace it like that? It’s unfair.” He chuckled and took a sip from his cappuccino. It was fucking delicious and tasted like home.

“You know- you said the same thing when we got lost once and I found the way back although-” Hyungwon swallowed like he felt strange saying it, small smile on his lips. “Although it was damn easy.”

“Well, thank you,” Kyungwon remarked sarcastically and brushed through his hair, sighing in frustration. “I’m serious though, I need attention, but I don’t want Hoseok to keep leaving you to come to me all the time. I don’t want to take him away, Hyungwon.”

“But- you aren’t really, are you? He still comes back and- and if it worries you so much, why don’t you just come to us? I miss you, Kyungwon, a lot.” The big brown eyes that looked just like his were wide and the gaze seemed emotional. Kyungwon’s fingers were playing with the handle of the cup again, distracting themselves with something physical.

_Because you feel out of place._

“I just- I don’t know how I fit in yet,” he whispered and grabbed Hyungwon’s hand again, this time for himself, feeling how his brother stroked over the back of his hand with his thumb. It helped a little.

“Then let’s figure it out. Just come home and we’ll see. Just don’t pressure yourself, there is nothing you have to do or that I expect from you. Just- just do what you would usually do.”

“Insult Hoseok and kiss him senseless?” Kyungwon returned without thinking too much, staring at the way Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little in surprise, thumb freezing above his knuckles.

It was quiet for a bit as his brother glanced to the side, probably checking if Emma had heard Kyungwon admitting to his preferences, at least partially. It wasn’t all that bad but Hyungwon had never been a fan of PDA, panicking and blushing cutely before pulling Kyungwon three streets further ‘just in case’.

“She didn’t hear, it’s fine. Even if she did, she knows me pretty well,” he added to reassure Hyungwon, who seemed like he panicked a little.

“But- why would you insult him, Won?” his brother asked eventually, barely audible and leaning over so that he could speak as quietly as possible while still allowing Kyungwon to hear. It was cute but also kinda weird because he wasn’t even sure that he could explain that.

“Ehm, well, I just get angry and then we kinda provoke each other and just go with the flow, kissing and screaming love confessions at each other.” That sounded kind of accurate. At least mostly.

Hyungwon just stared at him with big eyes until he suddenly blinked, repeatedly.

“You mean- like in those-” He paused and Kyungwon really hoped he wouldn’t mention a porn category. “Dom porn films?”

_Oh, for fuck’s sake._

“I don’t even know what the fuck that is, Hyungwon. Let’s just say no, it’s just because neither one of us wants to give in instantly so we rile each other up. Either way, that's my problem. It’s weird to you, isn’t it?” He brushed through his hair again and hoped that Hyungwon didn’t constantly tell Hoseok how his behavior fit a particular genre of pornography.

“I- I don’t know- I mean- I didn’t see it and I- I don’t insult him but- if you like it- I won’t judge.” Hyungwon was just a stuttering mess, almost knocking over his coffee cup and blushing. It was adorable and Kyungwon just wanted to hug him and tell him it was gonna be okay although he didn’t even know what he was talking about at this point.

_You can’t decide in advance how it will work, Kyungwon. You can’t fucking plan this, you just have to be open minded and hope that you ace it like Hyungwon does with relationships. Fuck._

“I’ll try to be myself and we’ll see, okay?” he asked and pulled his brother’s hand away from his coffee cup to avoid him knocking it over, placing a quick kiss on it instead.

Kyungwon really wished that he could ace it, just like an exam that he was zero prepared for.

 

_

 

When Hyungwon jumped out of his car and ran up the stairs, excited to be home, Kyungwon couldn’t help but feel much less motivated than he had after their talk at the cafe. Why was everything always so easy in theory but barely manageable in reality?

“We’re home,” Hyungwon called into the apartment as Kyungwon kneeled down to untie his chucks, feeling more at ease in non-office clothes. He rarely managed to leave work early enough to change, but luckily today was one of those days.

He saw how Hyungwon had jumped into Hoseok's broad arms, kissing and hugging the muscular man and getting hugged and kissed in response.

It was- difficult to explain how he felt about that. He wanted to be in Hyungwon’s place because he loved kissing Hoseok, but at the same time he was glad to see his brother that happy. His smile was almost blinding and slim arms attempted to squish Hoseok even though he had basically no strength to do so. Kyungwon just wanted to cuddle him and kiss-rape Hoseok. It was complicated.

“How’s it going?” he asked casually and decided to lean against the wall until it was his turn. Hyungwon said that he was supposed to be himself, so he was going to try, kissing Hoseok once he felt like it was okay.

Letting Hyungwon go, Hoseok immediately closed the distance and curled his arms around his waist, leaning close.

“I missed you," he whispered against his lips and smiled. That had been unexpected to say the least. Kyungwon had somehow felt like he was the one who had to act but something must have changed for Hoseok, turning the looking into acting.

_Hopefully like you._

Biting down on his cheek, Kyungwon returned the hug, almost squishing Hoseok unintentionally with how much strength he used and clashing their lips together. It had been only one day, but he hadn’t been able to think about anything but the other man at work, messing up his calculations and semi-screaming at people because he was irritable. Fuck.

“I missed you too, you-” He stopped the insult and just kissed him again instead, licking into his mouth and tasting the milk coffee that Hoseok must have drunk right before they arrived.

“Watch your mouth,” Hoseok hissed, grinning brightly. “I didn't do anything to be cursed at. Yet.” Playing with his tongue one last time he leaned back. “Coffee?”

“We just drank some at Emma’s,” Hyungwon replied and curled his arms around Hoseok’s right arm, smiling brightly. How he managed to be so composed was a mystery to Kyungwon, he couldn’t quite get there yet.

“Listen, I have every right to insult you after I wasn’t able to focus at work, I almost wrote ‘dominant dickhead’ into my excel sheet for one of our bigger clients. I hope you take full responsibility,” he commented with a grin, rubbing over Hoseok’s neck and the fine hair at his nape. It felt nice to not just sit there and talk awkwardly. Hyungwon also seemed to be fine with the comment, just blushing a little, probably remembering their conversation at the cafe.

“You must've written about yourself. A reminder?” Hoseok grinned, knowing exactly that he was provoking and gestured towards the living room. “Hyungwon wanted to watch a movie. Should I make something to drink? Mojitos?”

Kyungwon genuinely considered saying something back, but he opted for sneaking a hand between Hoseok’s legs and pinching his dick while still keeping the grin on his own face.

“Sure, you’re not Minhyuk, but I’ll accept your skills,” he replied and moved away from the other man, just in case he intended an act of revenge. Hyungwon was safe, so he curled his arm around his brother’s shoulders and pulled him towards the living room.

Hoseok looked at him with his dark gaze and mouthed something like ‘You'll regret this’ before disappearing in the kitchen.

“Do you always make each other angry like this?” Hyungwon asked, but he didn’t seem shocked, just a little amused with how the corners of his mouth pulled up.

“Kinda,” Kyungwon replied nonchalantly and hoped that he pulled it off, wondering about what Hoseok would possibly do to make him regret. Throwing himself on the couch, he just pulled Hyungwon on top of himself as they usually did and fixed a few loose strands that covered his brother’s face. “Do you mind?”

“No- it’s just-” Hyungwon shifted a little to sit more comfortably with his scrawny ass and turned so that he could still look at Kyungwon’s face. “You are like a sitcom, arguing and pretending to hate each other but fucking when the light turns off.”

Had Kyungwon been drinking a mojito at that point, he would have probably spat it right into his brother’s face, just like in a sitcom.

“Not quite, we don’t hate each other, it’s more like a game I guess. He doesn’t give in easily, usually people just give in to me,” he tried to explain and curled his arms around Hyungwon’s waist, leaning his head on his shoulder. It was funny how his brother made himself seem smaller although they were the exact same height, and size for that matter.

“You mean like me, I give in,” Hyungwon murmured like it concerned him suddenly.

“That’s fucking hot, Hyungwon. Especially for someone like me and Hoseok, it’s the best,” he murmured into the black-haired man’s ear and hoped that he believed it because it was the truth.

“But why do you like him then if- if he’s like you? S- Shouldn’t you clash then?” Hyungwon shifted again and leaned back against his chest, arranging his legs such that they fit better on top of his thighs.

“I guess it’s a bit like push and pull, I give in a little and he gives in a little too, so it works out. You’re like a feast, Hyungwon, so don’t worry about it.”

“It's dynamite, that's why I come home looking like this, Kyungwon is like a kitten with rabies,” Hoseok commented and put two glasses on the table before getting the third one. “Hyungwon yours is without alcohol, it's on the right.”

“Thank you,” Hyungwon whispered and grabbed his glass, instantly taking a sip and sinking back against Kyungwon’s chest. His brother was probably still thinking about the comparison while Kyungwon was staring at Hoseok and narrowing his eyes, daring the other man to say it again. Asshole. Luckily, Hyungwon was an angel and grabbed his drink too, handing it to him while chewing on his lip.

Hoseok let himself fall next to them and caught the straw with his lips, drinking a little, before putting the glass back on the table.

“So, turn it on then, babe.” The blonde leaned in and placed a kiss against Hyungwon's cheek while propping up against his thigh.

It felt different to see Hoseok be affectionate from up close, seeing it right in front of his eyes with how Hyungwon was sitting on his lap, squirming whenever he got embarrassed, such as at nicknames apparently.

“I chose something that won’t make me cry,” Hyungwon murmured and leaned forward, just relying on Kyungwon to hold him which he luckily did. His brother grabbed the remote and turned on a random movie that he was not familiar with, probably one of Minhyuk’s favorites which meant it was as gay as it goes.

‘That’s what he says now,’ Kyungwon mouthed at Hoseok and grinned, curling his arms tighter around Hyungwon while moving a little closer towards the blonde man with his head, contemplating to put it on his shoulder, but still hesitating.

“Is that how you normally watch movies? With Hyungwon sitting on top of you?” Hoseok asked, visibly surprised.

“Ehm, yeah?” Kyungwon asked, equally surprised at what the other man’s problem was until he remembered that he was usually a little more careful with the way Hyungwon and him acted towards each other, at least around others.

_You kissed him back then, Hoseok was also surprised until Hyungwon told him it was meaningless._

“I can instantly cheer him up when he’s upset,” he added quickly and grinned to make the whole thing seem much less strange than it appeared from the side, especially with how Hyungwon played with the fingers of his right hand, pulling at them as he stared at the screen attentively.

Hoseok lifted an eyebrow but focused on the screen right after.

It seemed ridiculous, but it became apparent to him that Hoseok might have felt excluded with how Kyungwon had taken over Hyungwon, although both of them were actually in love with the blonde man next to him.

_Think less and do more, Kyungwon._

Grabbing Hyungwon by the waist he lifted him up a little, making his brother yelp in surprise, and laid him down over their laps, head on the armrest next to Hoseok. Luckily the other man had huge, muscular thighs, so Kyungwon shamelessly put more weight on them although Hyungwon didn’t weigh much in the first place. It seemed a little funny, but his brother didn’t seem to mind and Hoseok just chuckled, placing his palm on top of Hyungwon's thigh.

It was calmer than he would have thought, especially when he finally got the balls to lean to the side, resting his head on Hoseok’s shoulder and inhaling the other man’s scent, clouding his mind a little. It seemed surreal that he was able to be this close and domestic, part of it although he usually wasn’t.

_But maybe you can be._

Hyungwon hadn’t lied when he pointed out that the movie wasn’t a sad one, giggling once in a while and slapping Hoseok’s thigh instead. He was very adorable and one of the reasons Kyungwon genuinely enjoyed watching movies with him was because his reactions were just hilarious. Just like Hoseok’s who showed almost everything he thought on his face in a matter of seconds, be it disgust or surprise. Kyungwon loved it and barely contained a laugh whenever he saw it.

When the credits started rolling, Hyungwon cheerfully turned to both of them after shutting off the screen.

“I told you that I wouldn’t cry!” He pouted a little and stared at Hoseok as if he expected him to defend him, reaching out and curling his arms around the blonde man’s neck, thereby slipping off Kyungwon’s lap. It was kinda nice because he felt the blood return.

“You did amazing, babe, you didn't drink the cocktail but it's fine,” Hoseok answered gently and leaned in to give his brother a kiss, closing his eyes while doing so.

They were really affectionate with each other. It was nice to watch, like Kyungwon could tell that both of them meant it. Hyungwon didn’t look away for even a second and Hoseok’s muscles relaxed, seeming at peace.

_You’re so different with him, is love even supposed to be like that?_

He had no idea, but he hoped that it was, chewing on his cheek and watching them while brushing over Hoseok’s left thigh carefully.

“Are you okay?” he suddenly heard Hoseok’s voice accompanied by the other man's hand squeezing his. “You look as if something is up.”

“Ah-” Kyungwon looked up, not expecting the other man to realize with how he had melted into the affectionate kiss. “I was just thinking about the meaning of love.” He laughed at his own comment even though it was as close to the truth as it gets.

“And what's your conclusion?” The other man smiled and let Hyungwon slip down his lap to sit down next to him.

“Hopefully that it doesn’t have to be the same for everybody, but I don’t know yet,” he murmured and watched Hoseok’s facial expression, licking over his lips to return moisture that seemed to have disappeared somewhere.

“It doesn't. It doesn't have to be the same.”

It was sudden as the blonde man leaned in slowly and kissed him, softly, so unlike the usual way they clashed their lips together. It felt like a warm wave made its way downwards, starting at his lips and spreading all the way to his legs, centering in his groin and his chest. It was a little overwhelming and Kyungwon was barely aware of where he had his hands, reaching out and curling them around the other man’s neck, brushing over fingers that resembled Hyungwon’s, but he didn’t mind at all. His thoughts were elsewhere, wishing for the feeling to stay. He gasped as his eyes fluttered shut.

Hoseok licked into his mouth while using his free hand to sink his strong fingers into Kyungwon’s hair, raking through it affectionately and stroking over the tiny hairs on his nape where his tattoo was. It felt intense, but in a different way, not in the way where he wished to jump the blonde man and rip his clothes off, rather the opposite, he wanted to embrace him and feel the warmth of his body, slowly, gradually, just like the way the curved lips licked over his.

“This is intense,” he whispered to express his thoughts, feeling his own body moving backwards on the couch, leaning down as he kept his hands around Hoseok’s neck. “Different, but still intense.”

“You're intense,” Hoseok whispered back against his lips and licked into his mouth, trying to lean closer, to feel more.

Whatever Hoseok was doing to him, Kyungwon wanted him to continue as he spread his legs apart a little to be able to pull his left one next to Hoseok, allowing the other man more movement. The kisses were spreading warmth in his groin despite how slow they were.

Shaky breaths were escaping Hoseok's pretty, heart-shaped nostrils as he felt the muscular body settling on top of his lap without Hoseok pushing all of his weight on him. The blonde leaned down, kissing and licking over his lips and inside his mouth.

“Shit, Hoseok,” Kyungwon murmured and let his fingers slip into the blonde man’s hair, pulling a little to have him even closer, to feel more of his warm body against his. “What the hell are you doing to me?”

“I love you,” the other man's low voice vibrated against his lips without leaning back while Hoseok grabbed his face with both palms. Kyungwon opened his eyes, finally taking in the way the gorgeous man above him looked. A little overwhelmed he placed his own palms on top of Hoseok’s inhaling slowly.

“I love you too,” he whispered, disbelieving that Hoseok could look at him this way, the exact same way he had looked at Hyungwon only a few minutes ago.

_Hyungwon._

He glanced to the side, seeing the way his brother sat next to Hoseok and brushed over the other man’s back tentatively, thighs pulled together and lower lip caught between his teeth.

Holy shit.

The blonde man followed his action and turned around too, staring at his brother.

“Are you okay?” Hoseok leaned towards Hyungwon a little, staring into his brother’s big, brown eyes.

“S-sure, just- just go ahead,” the black-haired man murmured and gestured towards the couch. There was a prominent blush on his brother’s face, bright despite the darkness of the room, not illuminated by the shining TV anymore. “I- I’m fine.”

Hoseok tilted his head and he could see how a small smile appeared on the other man's handsome face.

“Are you though?”

_He likes it._

Kyungwon would have groaned if it wouldn’t have seemed weird in the current situation. It made perfect sense that Hyungwon would like it, especially with the things he kept saying years ago, about considering it attractive to see Kyungwon kiss other people, similar to watching a movie.

_Just that you’re not really a movie._

“Y-yeah,” Hyungwon murmured in response and shifted again, chewing on his lip and still stroking over Hoseok’s back.

“Good, your fingers feel nice, should we brush our teeth?” The muscular body left him instantly and Hoseok disappeared into the hallway. Kyungwon couldn’t help but regret the sudden break in the situation, inhaling sharply and fighting the arousal that remained in his body.

“Let’s go,” he murmured and curled his fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist, pulling him up from the couch himself. The response was even more obvious when the other man was standing, tent in his sweatpants clear despite how loose they were. This was just crazy.

“Is it my fault? Did I ruin something?” the black-haired man whispered and seemed uncomfortable, probably thinking he had done something horrible.

“What? No, not at all. I think it’s just as with other things, one just stops at some point, let’s just go to bed and brush our teeth.” He sounded much more reassuring out loud than he felt on the inside, pulling Hyungwon along to the bathroom. Luckily it didn’t take long to look for his toothbrush, still placed in the same spot it always was. They brushed their teeth quickly without much conversation and it was difficult to tell whether Kyungwon’s convincing had been effective with how he kept looking over to Hoseok, like he needed reassurance.

Once in the bedroom, Kyungwon didn’t really know how to fit into the dyad that was Hyungwon and Hoseok. He had no idea how they usually slept and how many clothes they would consider appropriate. He always slept in underwear and Hyungwon was basically fully dressed, although he had dropped most of that recently, staying with a shirt and underwear instead. But was it still okay to do what he always did?

_You know how to act when it is Hoseok and when it is Hyungwon. What the fuck do you do now?_

It was funny how he had been the one to say that they should just cuddle up all together and finally let him sleep but, in the end, he was the one who had no idea how to do it. So he just stood in the middle of the bedroom, staring at the way Hyungwon slowly slipped out of his sweatpants, embarrassment still obvious.

“Don't you want to take your clothes off? I know that you sleep in underwear,” Hoseok pointed out while pulling his shirt over his head and giving him more reason to be aroused by presenting his ripped body.

_Shit._

“Yeah- sure,” he murmured, pulled his shirt over his head and slipped out of his ripped jeans, throwing them on top of the chair next to the bed, unlike Hyungwon who always just threw his clothes next to the bed, perfect to slip into them without having to stand up properly. “Just contemplating what’s okay and what isn’t but you helped there.”

_Just don’t be too fucking proud and say when you’re concerned._

“Where do you want to sleep? Hyungwon's side? My side? Between me and Hyungwon? You decide because I don't care,” Hoseok commented and slapped Hyungwon's butt before slipping out of his jeans and lying down in the middle of the bed, his arms crossed behind his head. He was a fucking tease even in situations like that and Kyungwon hated him. Not. And that was the problem.

“Your side,” he replied and couldn’t help but grin at the way Hyungwon yelped from the sudden slap. Although the two of them had been dating for over a year it wasn’t enough to stop his brother from blushing at all kinds of situations. Even now there was color on his face as he crawled on top of the bed and curled his arms around Hoseok from the left.

_The right then._

Inhaling again, he examined Hoseok’s face as he crawled on top of the bed too and lay down on the blonde man’s right side, throwing a leg over his middle and placing a palm on top of his chest. He was so fucking warm, and hot.

Kyungwon wanted him which was bad, very bad.

“I'm going to die,” Hoseok murmured and removed his arms from behind his head, curling them around their shoulders.

“W-why?” Hyungwon asked hesitantly, bless his innocent soul. Kyungwon couldn’t help the grin against the blonde man’s shoulder at the question, perfectly aware of the fact that Hoseok was still winning at life, able to lie in bed next to both of his lovers.

“Because you're both fucking hot, I probably won't be able to sleep.” Shifting his hips under Kyungwon’s leg, Hoseok cursed quietly.

It was difficult to resist, so he purposefully slid his leg over the blonde man’s groin, easily feeling the reason for his frustration while making it only worse with the friction he created by pressing down. He couldn’t help it, Kyungwon lived for riling the other man up and making him crack, fuck.

“Oh-” Hyungwon replied quietly and inhaled sharply, pressing his face into the crook of Hoseok’s neck and attaching his lips to his shoulder, probably to stay quiet instead of the sudden gasp that had left his lips.

“Yes, ‘oh’ and I'm going to kill you, Kyungwon,“ Hoseok hissed, reaching down and grabbing his thigh, stopping it in motion. Too bad. Too bad that he wasn’t that easy to stop.

“No, you wont,” Kyungwon whispered into the other man’s ear and sucked his earlobe into his mouth before letting it go and continuing with teasing bites along his neck and shoulders, all the while rolling over Hoseok’s right nipple with his index finger.

He heard a gasp from the other side.

“Sorry, I'm not controlling my hands, it's- your brother is fucking nuts,” Hoseok murmured in Hyungwon's direction and kissed the top of his brother’s head. Kyungwon bit his lip and merely continued with the ministrations until the hand that had been squeezing Hoseok’s nipple slipped down, moving under the other man’s waistband while he was still busy with kissing Hyungwon’s head.

Hoseok tensed and a tiny moan left his lips.

“Fuck, don't do this to me, you asshole,” Hoseok hissed at him. Kyungwon decided to count the soft moan under one of his personal achievements.

He wasn’t quite sure why it mattered so much to him to rile the other man up, to make him react and enjoy what he was doing, all the while fighting to stay composed. Maybe it was his own frustration at wishing to be close but feeling like he was restricted in his options, torturing the other man instead.

“But you like it,” he replied softly and squeezed the tip of Hoseok’s erection, digging his thumb into the slit while spreading the collecting precum. Hoseok must have been hard before he lay down in bed next to them or just very quick to react.

“Hyungwon, will you forgive me if I fucking kill him,” Hoseok pressed out, obviously struggling judging by how tense his body remained suddenly, not moving and muscles flexed. It was fucking hot so Kyungwon repeated the motion, lifting his head a little to be able to see Hoseok’s facial expressions better, to see what it was doing to him.

The action showed him not only the blonde man biting down on his lower lip painfully, probably to contain the sounds, but also Hyungwon who was staring at Hoseok with a similar facial expression, eyes wide and lips parted. He looked a little overwhelmed and fascinated at the same time.

“Please don’t kill him,” his brother whispered before he met his gaze, hesitation and shyness obvious from how he held himself.

Kyungwon thought about this, knowing Hyungwon way too well just like the facial expression on his face.

‘Go ahead,’ he mouthed, not sure if Hyungwon had anything he wanted to go ahead with, but if he did then Kyungwon had successfully motivated him to do it. He returned his attention to Hoseok’s gorgeous face and squeezed his erection again, letting his fingers slide down the whole length before moving up and cupping the tip. Hoseok had a gorgeous dick and although Kyungwon wouldn’t have admitted that out loud unless filled to the brim, it was the truth. Closing his lips around Hoseok’s earlobe, he could see how Hyungwon leaned in and closed his plump lips around the other man’s nipple, sucking on it while his long fingers hesitantly stroked over the blonde man’s chest. Hoseok was going to die.

“Fuck,” the other man pressed out before letting out a low moan, finally admitting what the ministrations did to him. “Why are you like this? Shit.”

“I like torturing you and Hyungwon is a good boy,” Kyungwon whispered before biting into the sensitive skin of Hoseok’s neck, speeding up the motions of his hand.

“I- I don’t want to torture you though,” Hyungwon murmured and leaned over Hoseok, kissing his lips softly. It was sweet and gave Kyungwon just enough time to move downwards and to pull Hoseok’s briefs down, allowing him to close his lips around the thick erection, sucking intently.

“Argh, you fucker,” Hoseok cursed and grabbed his hair but not pulling strongly enough for him to stop.

_Because he doesn’t want you to._

Kyungwon merely increased his efforts, sucking at the tip and moving downwards until he fit most of the other man’s erection between his lips, allowing it to hit his throat carefully. He purposefully kept at a slow pace, not giving the blonde man what he probably wanted, instead he let his hands travel over his thighs and v-line, enjoying the way they felt under his fingertips.

He saw how Hoseok grabbed Hyungwon's hair with his free hand and clashed their lips together, moaning into his brother’s mouth. Kyungwon looked up properly because it looked hot, letting Hoseok’s dick slide out of his mouth sufficiently to allow him to watch as he licked over the tip and dug his tongue into the slit. Hyungwon whimpered into the kiss, visibly affected and breathing harshly through his nose. His brother seemed rather sensitive with how he reacted, instantly moving along with the way Hoseok pulled his hair. He was indeed submissive in his behavior, just like Kyungwon had assumed when they had talked about sex together.

“Shit, don't let me go batshit crazy on you,” Hoseok whined, thrusting into his mouth and biting along Hyungwon's neck. Thrusting was a no go, so Kyungwon pressed his flat palm against the other man’s hips, keeping them in place as he continued to play, sliding half into his mouth and sucking intently.

“D-don’t torture him like that,” Hyungwon murmured and he could feel his brother’s fingers curl around his shoulder, pulling at him a little. Kyungwon was too fucking soft when it came to the other man. He let Hoseok’s erection slip out of his mouth and crawled up.

“Switch then,” he muttered and watched how Hyungwon’s eyes widened and his lips parted at the way Hoseok nibbled on his neck. The black-haired man reacted so much.

“O- okay, is that okay with you, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked carefully, and placed a kiss on Hoseok’s lips, being the angel of consent. It fit him.

“Fuck, just touch me,” Hoseok moaned and kissed Hyungwon while already sinking his fingers into Kyungwon’s hair, pulling him up forcefully. “And you, you crazy fucker.” Hoseok's eyes were black, glowing a little as if he was angry, but that wasn't quite it.

His brother nodded carefully and curled his long fingers around Hoseok’s erection. It was fascinating because it looked the same. If Kyungwon hadn’t been aware of where his hands were and the painful tugging on his hair, he would have believed they were his own.

“What about me?” he whispered while leaning over Hoseok.

“You make me want to fuck you against the fucking wall until you beg, asshole,” Hoseok hissed before clashing their lips together like a crazy person. Kyungwon moaned into the kiss and curled his arms around the other man’s neck, placing his legs so that he didn’t disturb Hyungwon from stroking the other man’s erection. Biting down on Hoseok’s lower lip, he let go and stared at the blonde, grin in place.

“Fucking try me,” he whispered against his lips.

Grabbing his hips, Hoseok pulled him forward.

“Fuck my mouth,” he whispered, biting on his lower lip to suppress a moan resulting from Hyungwon's movements.

_Oh fuck._

Kyungwon felt like Hoseok had just grabbed him by the dick quite literally, proposing the exact thing he had done last time and thereby throwing all of Kyungwon’s basically already nonexistent inhibitions out of the window, fuck.

“Fuck yes,” he hissed and pulled his briefs down his long legs, probably appearing way too fucking eager but he didn’t give a single shit. Stroking over Hyungwon’s head once for reassurance because the other man’s eyes were so wide, he climbed over Hoseok’s chest and lined up with the blonde man’s curved lips. He didn’t hesitate much, merely judged Hoseok’s facial expression before he rubbed the tip over the delicious lower lip, waiting for the blonde to open up.

Hoseok licked over his tip and opened his mouth, flattened his tongue and looked up at him with his almost black eyes. The other man was sin, as simple as that, sent from hell to torture him into submission after getting a tiny taste of dominance. Fuck, and Kyungwon was a hoe for it. He breathed in and let himself slide into the warm mouth, moaning loudly at the way it felt.

“You’re the fucking devil,” he murmured as he moved out and thrust right back, loving the way it felt and how easily Hoseok took it, like he was fucking made for it. Hyungwon was watching them intently, eyes remaining wide and teeth chewing on his lips, but Kyungwon didn’t have the resources to pay attention to what the black-haired man was doing, he had a mouth to fuck and Hoseok looked fucking beautiful with a dick between his lips. Shit.

His brother must've done something as Hoseok started moaning over his dick, sending strong vibrations through it and relaxing his throat to fit more. Holy fucking shit, there was no way that he would hold out for long like that.

“Do you want me to come down your throat?” he groaned and held onto Hoseok’s head tighter, keeping it in place as he moved in and out, pausing just enough to allow the blonde to nod or shake his head. “Because I’m close.” Hoseok nodded while digging his tongue into his slit and using his teeth to add up on sensations.

Kyungwon felt like he was losing it, moans echoing through the bedroom just like the obscene sounds of him sliding in and out of Hoseok’s mouth. He rested his head against the wall as he sped up, thrusting quickly until he buried himself as far as he could in Hoseok’s throat and felt his orgasm explode in his lower body, sending sparks through his legs and all the way to his toes, almost losing his fucking senses. Shit.

The blonde sucked up and licked over his lips.

“I told you that you'd behave,” Hoseok commented with his low rough voice, sounding even better than usual before the other man threw his head back and groaned. Kyungwon would have commented or punched him but his body felt like jelly and he preferred to climb off, sitting down on the bed next to Hoseok’s muscular chest and watching his brother suck dick like a fucking champ. Holy shit.

Hyungwon was so different from him, not restricting Hoseok in his motions at all, instead he let the blonde thrust up as he liked, sliding down and allowing him to move as deeply into his mouth as possible, hands merely holding onto Hoseok’s hips to stay in place.

“Fuck, Hyungwon, just like that, I'll make you scream for being so good to me, shit,” Hoseok groaned non-stop, grabbing his brother's hair tightly and letting out unrestricted sounds. The other man's pale body almost shone in the barely illuminated room and tiny beads of sweat were covering the muscular chest. He looked gorgeous, so fucking gorgeous that Kyungwon couldn’t help it and leaned in, licking over Hoseok’s chest and watching the way his expression changed, drowning in the pleasure that Hyungwon provided. His brother was eager, reacting himself as if he was being touched, it was crazy to watch, like he got off from sucking dick and that wasn’t something Kyungwon could really say about himself. He could swear that he saw Hyungwon’s dick twitch each time Hoseok praised him, calling him a good boy or that he was doing something well. It seemed almost too intimate to watch, especially with how much they looked alike.

“I'm close,” Hoseok moaned and Kyungwon could see how the other man's whole body tensed, legs spreading almost automatically, and he buried himself inside his brother’s mouth, groaning in his fucked out voice. Kyungwon couldn’t resist and leaned over, licking into the blonde’s mouth and tasting himself, catching the remaining gasps with his lips.

_This is crazy, Kyungwon._

“Oh my fucking god. Hyungwon, you get ready I'm going to make you scream,” Hoseok commented before leaning in and kissing his brother tenderly, stroking over his hair and whispering something into his ear. Hyungwon nodded quickly and climbed off the bed, erection obvious with how it strained against his briefs. He was the only one who was still wearing any.

Kyungwon wasn’t even sure he remembered what the hell happened with how dizzy he still felt from coming down Hoseok’s throat.

“Be thankful that I didn't go nuts, shit, I was this close to just fucking you in front of your brother, don't test me,” Hoseok groaned and pinned him to the bed, biting into his shoulder right after. Kyungwon hissed but kept his composure, licking over his lips quickly.

“At this point I’m not even sure he would have minded, fuck, I love the way you looked, Hoseok. You’re so damn gorgeous, making me want to live on top of your body, asshole.”

“And you're like nitroglycerine, but fuck, I love it so much, you rile me up and you make me want you every fucking second that you're around, you stunning fucker.” Hoseok got quiet towards the end and kissed him, loosening the grip on his arms. Kyungwon reached out and closed them around the blonde man’s neck, melting into the kiss and enjoying the soft touches after the fire-like arousal that just burned them down.

“I’m always glad to provide and let you set me on fire,” he whispered against the curved lips and closed his eyes, melting into the kiss and the tenderness after the adrenaline that had been pumping inside his veins. He suddenly felt how the mattress dipped, signaling that Hyungwon must have returned.

Placing another kiss on his lips, Hoseok smiled so genuinely and turned to Hyungwon, releasing his torso from the other man's body mass.

“Lie down, babe,” the blonde man said and crawled towards Hyungwon, pulling the lube out of the drawer on the right. His brother seemed a little shy, glancing towards him and chewing on his lip. He lay down carefully and spread his legs, visibly waiting for Hoseok to tell him what to do. Kyungwon couldn’t imagine himself doing that, allowing someone else so much control over him and his actions.

Hoseok settled between Hyungwon's legs and started placing short kisses along his brothers’ thighs, gifting a lot of attention to them and making sure that every patch of skin was covered by a kiss.

_Because he’s self-conscious about them._

Kyungwon felt like he was seeing something very intimate, something special that wasn’t meant for him to see but that he was allowed to witness because of their particular situation, seeing the way Hoseok genuinely loved his brother, everything about him, even the parts that he himself didn’t. It seemed a little overwhelming even.

After smiling and a lot of eye contact, Hoseok took Hyungwon's erection into his mouth, sucking on the tip roughly and coating his fingers, pressing them below the other man's balls. Kyungwon watched intently, getting a little closer to see better, fascinated by how it felt to see Hyungwon, who basically looked like him, respond. They looked the same, but they were so fucking different, the way Hyungwon turned his head, tried to keep the sounds in, to not be too loud.

Hoseok deepthroated him while sliding his fingers into Hyungwon's body, humming over his brother’s erection and moving his digits at the same time. He looked gorgeous, like he wasn’t really aware of what was happening to him, body remaining tight because he wasn’t able to relax fully. Hoseok must have been semi-dying whenever he slept with him. Everything Hyungwon did and said, the way he moved and the way he moaned made Kyungwon want to tell him that he was doing amazing and he looked lovely, reassure him and make him feel at ease. Hoseok seemed so whipped despite the sexual actions, constantly looking at him and taking in the sight.

The blonde man added a finger and picked up the pace of both, his digits and his mouth. Kyungwon hissed at the way Hyungwon lost it, basically screaming through the room, stuttering and throwing his head from side to side, begging Hoseok for more, mumbling his name and constantly getting interrupted by his own loud moans. The muscular arm pulled his brother's hips down forcefully as Hoseok deepthroated him repeatedly, adding more friction by pumping his fingers into him. Kyungwon slipped a little closer, feeling his own heart beat hammering in his chest and his ears at the sight and reached out carefully when he could tell that Hyungwon was close, he had seen the same facial expression before. At that exact moment he let his fingers slip into the black strands of his brother’s hair and pulled, adding a little extra as Hyungwon screamed and his body convulsed, turning limp right after the pleasure passed, barely able to keep himself up.

Hoseok sucked up and littered his brother’s lower body with kisses before removing his fingers and wiping everything with wet tissues tenderly. The blonde leaned over and kissed Hyungwon, smiling at him in reassurance before letting himself fall on top of the bed between them.

Holy shit. Kyungwon finally understood what Hoseok meant by saying he kept going berserk whenever they were together. It wasn’t comparable, the other man seemed to forget all of his usual carefulness, including condoms. It was simply crazy how different it was. But Hyungwon seemed like he needed it, visibly relaxing whenever Hoseok showed him how much he considered him attractive, how he kissed his legs and his body, everything his brother hated so much.

“Well, that was fun,” he remarked casually, hoping to undermine the emotional outburst he had at seeing how intimate his brother and Hoseok were with each other. It felt a little too heavy. “Can you sleep now, Hoseok?”

“If you promise not to touch my dick, yes,” the gorgeous man muttered and curled an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into his embrace. “Let's sleep.”

Kyungwon hummed, lying down next to Hoseok’s muscular body properly and enjoying the warmth and proximity. He felt how Hyungwon curled his fingers around his index finger, like he wished to be close too while sleeping. The action conjured a smile on his face despite the constant concerns that passed through his mind, not calming down although he had what he wanted and felt like he was somehow part of the whole thing.

_But it’s not the same is it? It’s special somehow, can you really intrude?_

Kyungwon didn’t know and the feeling that he shouldn’t didn’t really want to leave.

 

***

 

“You are what?” Kihyun stared at him while the other man's fingers dug into his shoulders painfully, shaking him furiously. “Hoseok you're nuts, it'll go to shit, you'll ruin Hyungwon's mental health and you'll ruin Kyungwon’s confidence and you'll ruin yourself, it's a mess, you idiot, why, fucking why?”

_Wow, that went well._

“Because I love them both and they're- well they’re kind of comfortable with each other so it seems to work,” Hoseok murmured, remembering the previous night.

_Comfortable enough to suck you off in succession and watch each other getting off._

But still he had the feeling that both men weren't themselves when they were together.

_They're uncomfortable with this, aren't they?_

Especially Kyungwon.

“So you're fucking them both, you fucking animal? Do you fuck Hyungwon and then go fuck Kyungwon, or how does it work? The mad brother must feel like shit having you treat him like an extra when you're bored.” Kihyun let him go and focused his judgmental gaze on his face. “Didn't think that I'd say it, but you're an asshole, Hoseok.”

_But didn't you solve this by inviting him over?_

_You invited him. To your and Hyungwon’s apartment. Like a guest. Fuck. Letting him suck you off and making him watch you being extremely affectionate with Hyungwon. The affection he had never gotten from you._

_Fuck._

“I- I thought it was okay, because Hyungwon is okay with it and- and Kyungwon also seemed fine,” he muttered, leaning his forehead against his own palm.

“He seemed fine? He didn’t tell you that he was still fucking in love with you all this time and he's not even okay giving in during random dumb discussions, and you're expecting him to tell you that he feels like shit because he wants more? Possibly taking it away from his brother? Are you dumb or are you acting dumb? You know how I told you that it wasn't your fault with Ben? This messy situation right now, that's your fault. Gosh,” his best friend groaned and pinched his shoulder painfully. “Get a grip and stop ruining it.”

_Are you really ruining it?_

He didn't know, but something deep inside told him that Kihyun was right.

 

_

 

“How was it for you to see me being close to Kyungwon?” Hoseok asked, stroking over Hyungwon's semi-wet hair while the other man curled his naked body around him.

“W- what?” the black-haired man whispered and lifted his head, eyes wide. “W-well, it was very- intense, different from- from how you are with me.”

Hyungwon's arms tightened around him and the other man returned his head to the crook of Hoseok’s neck, warm air hitting his skin.

“And how did it make you feel? I just need to know how the fuck this is supposed to work, you're both strange when we're all together, different than you are when I'm alone with you or with him,” Hoseok said and let his hands roam over Hyungwon's warm back, tracing his spine and the curve of his pretty butt.

“Next to you we- we are a bit more like we are when we are together just- just less- t-touchy I guess.” Hyungwon swallowed and moved his body towards Hoseok’s hand. “It’s- it's very attractive to see the two of you but I can't help but think- think that I'm a little b-boring in comparison.”

_There it is._

“I don't think you behave in the same way. Also, why the fuck would you be boring? You know exactly how much I love your submissiveness, it's just that your brother wants to fight,” he muttered and pulled Hyungwon on top of himself, placing a kiss against his pretty, plump lips that were red and swollen from taking him a short while ago.

“But- you seem to really lose yourself with him, is that- is that not what you want?” The black-haired man inhaled sharply and bit down on his lower lip. “Kyungwon also said that it's stupid and that I'm really attractive like this, but- but you are so c- composed with me.”

_You can’t make them both happy, can you?_

“Well, you can try to fight me and see what happens if you like me going nuts so much. It's not about what I want. I want you and I want Kyungwon, but this crazy mental dynamic is just how it seems to work between us. Kyungwon wants to fuck me, but I won't let him, and he knows that, doesn't mean that we can't be together, right?” He chuckled at the thought.

“Oh god,” Hyungwon muttered and covered his face with his palms, visibly blushing. “Being active is- really not for me. When y- you touch me, I lose myself so much that I'm barely aware of what you're doing. I like it so much.”

“And I love you losing yourself, just Kyungwon is this dominant fucker who tries to grab control with every possible action, so that seems as if- well, you haven’t seen it yet, it must be crazy to watch. How was it to watch your brother in action? I mean, I don't think you’ve watched each other get off before, have you?” Hoseok asked cupping Hyungwon's firm butt.

His boyfriend blushed only further and only his eyes were visible behind his spread fingers.

“I- I saw him get o-off before. I just- I didn't really masturbate m- much. He s- showed me.”

_Fair enough._

“Fine, but you haven't seen him fuck anybody, or have you?” His eyes widened at his own question.

“N-not the whole thing. He slept with people a lot when we were living together, and our parents were never there, just us. But- w- why are you asking all this?” Hyungwon must have been really embarrassed with how red the tips of his ears turned. “Is it weird? You- you probably saw Kihyun sleep with someone too, didn't you?”

_Oh god, no._

“Oh, hell no, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night otherwise. My knowledge is limited to his dom groans and high pitched demonic screeching of his partners. It's more than enough.” Hoseok shook his head to get possible pictures out of his imagination.

“Oh.” Hyungwon swallowed and moved his palm down, only covering his nose and mouth at this point. “Well, Kyungwon and me were always very close, we- we also bathed together, and he talked to me about s-sex a lot. I just had no experience on my own and couldn't really contribute much. Were you- were you close to Changkyun?”

_Bad topic._

“Uh, no, not really. He- actually, we're half-brothers. My mom, my biological mom, died when I was five, I don't really remember, and my dad got married pretty fast so, sure, we grew up together, but there were differences in treatment, so we couldn't really bond somehow. Either way, that's not the point, but I guess that you and Kyungwon are the more usual model of how brothers grow up,” he murmured, swallowing a couple of times and battling the nervousness he couldn't help at the uncomfortable topic.

“Oh, I'm sorry, Hoseok, it probably makes you so uncomfortable, we don't have to talk about that,” Hyungwon whispered and instantly removed his hand from his mouth, stroking over Hoseok’s hair instead and pressing a kiss to his lips.

“Kyungwon and me- I'm not sure if we're the usual example. He was always careful when talking about our relationship with other people and- he actually doesn't like it when I tell others. But- I- I think it's also fine to share with you because I trust you.” Hyungwon kissed his forehead and continued stroking over his hair. “I love you, Hoseok, and siblings don't need to be close, even if they’re from the same parents. Sometimes it just doesn't work out and the personalities are too different. My dad hates his brother and they never talk, they're just competing all the time.”

“I don't hate him. Not at all, I just struggle because I want to be closer, but our relationship consists of me doing stuff for him instead of proper communication. I kinda thought I was bound to be alone, actually. Before I met you.” His lungs clenched.

_Just that you keep hurting people who make you happy. All the fucking time._

Hyungwon smiled brightly, unaware of his thoughts.

“And now not only do I love you, but also my better half, so you are definitely not alone,” he said and kissed Hoseok’s lips again, smile remaining in place until it suddenly dropped and Hyungwon's eyes widened. “My second half, my second half I mean. Sorry, it just came out, I'm fine.” It seemed like the black-haired man was more scared of Hoseok’s reaction than of his own words.

“It's okay, I love you too, so much,” he whispered and kissed the other man's pretty lips.

_You're lying here in his arms being all happy and cuddly while Kyungwon is probably alone and can't sleep. Kihyun is right, you're an asshole._

“I want to visit Kyungwon.”

“Now?” Hyungwon asked, but it didn't sound accusatory, just a little surprised. The black-haired man made a little bit of space and examined Hoseok’s facial expressions. “You can, I don't mind, I just hope it's not because of something I said, since the topic was a little h-heavy.”

“It's because I'm messing up,” he whispered and closed his eyes.

He could feel soft lips against his before Hyungwon tried to pull him up, not very successfully.

“Then go fix it,” the other man murmured but Hoseok could hear the smile in his words. “Tell him I love him and that he should visit.”

_Even Hyungwon is better at fixing your problems._

He nodded and got up, pulling his underwear and jeans over his legs.

“I love you, Hyungwon, sometimes I have the feeling that you're the only reason that I'm functioning,” he whispered and pressed a kiss on the other man's lips.

“I don't think that's quite true after you helped me to get better, but I'll keep it in my achievements diary,” his boyfriend replied and laughed, waving at Hoseok as he curled back into the sheets.

_And now you're leaving him alone. How the fuck are you supposed to solve this?_

He took his bike for once, riding fifteen minutes until he arrived at the fancy building. The cold evening air helped him get a better grip on his thoughts and what he actually wanted. He rang the bell and smiled into the camera.

The door opened pretty quickly and without a comment. Once he reached the top he saw Kyungwon leaned against the door frame with a casual smile on his lips. He was wearing a low cut black shirt and mostly ripped jeans, barely covering his thighs.

“Two days, a new record,” the other man commented and brushed through his hair. “I missed you.”

“I left your brother alone, curled up in a blanket instead of me to come here,” Hoseok answered and bridged the last couple of stairs.

“I hope he wasn't hurt,” Kyungwon remarked with a frown and curled his arms around Hoseok’s waist, leaning on his shoulder for a few seconds. “I'm selfish though and glad that you came.”

“Hyungwon said to tell you that he loves you and that you should visit. I missed you, I couldn't stop thinking about you.” Pulling Kyungwon closer, he enjoyed how the other man's body felt close to him.

Kyungwon chuckled at that and nibbled on Hoseok’s ear before letting go.

“He's a precious bean that thinks too much about others, but yeah, I love him too, a lot. Would you like a coffee?” The black-haired man walked into the loft and gestured for Hoseok to follow him. He seemed very different compared to the last time when he had screamed and cried.

“Do you have something with alcohol?” he asked and leaned against the kitchen counter after slipping out of his shoes and ruffling his hair.

“You're at the right place then,” Kyungwon remarked with a grin and opened his hard liquor fridge, glancing inside. “What would you like? I'm not too good at mixing unless it's smoothies but I have a few drinks I'm okay at.”

“I'll drink what you normally drink.” He brushed his hair back and smiled.

Kyungwon brushed through his hair too and stared at him for a few seconds before taking out a bottle of Irish whiskey and pouring it into two tumblers that he pulled out of a cupboard.

“Let's keep it simple,” he commented and handed one of the tumblers to Hoseok while inhaling the scent of his own.

“Ah, I wish everything was as simple as that.” Smiling, he accepted the glass and let it touch Kyungwon’s tumbler. The action resulted in a beautiful sound. It was probably real crystal.

“How can it be that you're alone but also can't handle loneliness at the same time?” Hoseok couldn't help asking, he had thought a lot about the other man.

“Not sure, face your fears and all that buzz?” the black-haired man remarked with a chuckle and finally took a sip of his whiskey, watching Hoseok as he did so. “I've only started being alone recently and I guess my head just doesn't want to get used to it. Even when I moved out I kept avoiding it by sleeping at Hyungwon's or getting someone for the night. Now it's a little harder obviously.”

_He has to deal with so much shit, but he still laughs about it as if it's nothing._

“Why don't you like being alone?” He walked over and leaned against the bar surface next to the other man's hips to be closer. Kyungwon smiled at that and curled his arm around Hoseok’s waist, pulling him closer, thighs touching.

“Lots of factors I guess. There are the simple ones like me getting cold quickly and the fact that there was always a body next to me, for most of my life and it's rather strange when it's suddenly gone. Like- not sure if it's comparable but divorced people sometimes say that even if they don't want the person back they miss the human contact, the knowledge that someone is there and is lying next to them. I guess it's something similar.” Kyungwon sighed and took another sip. “In addition, I think too much about my responsibilities when I'm alone and if someone else is there I can focus on them.”

_You basically took Hyungwon away from him, didn't you?_

“I was so used to being alone, that's why I have difficulties realizing other people's struggles sometimes. Often.” He placed his palm on top of Kyungwon’s thigh.

The other man appeared to think about that.

“But were you really alone? To me it seemed like you were just bombarded with responsibilities from your family, had Kihyun around you and took somebody home for the night. That’s not really alone is it?” Kyungwon’s long fingers dug a little into his side, but it was affectionate.

_But you don't really open up, that's what loneliness is about. You just make others miserable._

“Hmm, I don't care if someone is around me if I don't have some kind of emotional connection, if I don't open up. Sure, Kihyun and me were and are still close, but he's busy and so am I. I need time to talk about personal matters, things that matter to me, so for me loneliness is normal. I just keep it to myself.” He smiled, remembering that he had told Hyungwon about being the outsider of the family for the first time.

“That's interesting because it seems like you open up, smiling and revealing something personal,” Kyungwon muttered and leaned against Hoseok a little bit, touching from the thighs to the hips. “When I was in your kitchen, back when you lived with Kihyun, we talked genuinely, and you told me about changing your lifestyle and how strange it still seemed. For me, loneliness isn't really about the mental I think, because I know there is always someone who cares and is with me, for me it's rather the physical, I need that person to be next to me to feel at ease.”

“Yeah, but changing lifestyles is nothing much, it's just how it is, there are other things that lie much deeper and also hurt more so I prefer not to touch them. Would you have moved back with Hyungwon if I wasn't there?” Hoseok asked and brushed a loose strand of Kyungwon’s black hair behind his pretty ear.

He could feel how the other man's muscles tensed at the question just like his fingers curled further into Hoseok’s waist.

“Well, that's a pretty difficult question. I- wouldn't have minded moving back in with him. We only lived separately because our parents wanted us to, back when we started studying, and because Hyungwon kept getting worse, suffering from the comparison, so it felt like I had to reduce the contact a little, at least being undressed in front of him. I wouldn't have moved out otherwise.” Kyungwon’s exhales sounded shaky as he lifted his head and glanced at Hoseok, dark brown eyes focused on him. “But- let's return to you. Don't you think talking about things you prefer to keep on the inside might make it easier to bear them? After all, you get a different perspective and sharing can take away some of the burden.”

“Don't know. You can imagine it as something that's like a fact, I know about it and it has certain consequences, but it's normally not relevant and is stored in my head. Like this, it's just there, if I start thinking about it I get angry and sad, so I prefer not to.” Swallowing, he squeezed Kyungwon’s thigh. “I can't help thinking that I took Hyungwon away from you.”

“People would give you weird looks for that last comment,” the black-haired man remarked and sighed again. “He's his own person and doesn't belong to me. I still see him and we still talk quite a bit, so it's not like you really ‘stole’ him or anything. He just happens to be the only person that I really open up to.”

“I don't care about weird looks. I was already strangled by Kihyun yesterday for telling him that I'm in a relationship with you both.” Hoseok let out a deep sigh, remembering his best friend’s words.

“Why? Does he think you're being selfish? Or does he think it's fucked up because people should be monogamous?” Kyungwon licked over his lips and threw his head back, exhaling into the air while twirling his drink with his left hand.

“He- well he told me that I'm an asshole and that I'm fucking everything up. That's the summary.”

_And he kinda has a point._

“Wow, that sounds pretty heavy,” the black-haired man next to him remarked and returned his brown eyes to Hoseok’s face, raising an eyebrow. “Why do you look like you secretly agree? Want to drop it like it's hot?”

“As if I'm able to, people who are strong and have a conscience might be able to do it, but I'm a selfish bastard. I can't.” Exhaling roughly, he downed his drink. “And I don't want to.”

“Aren't we all selfish bastards?” Kyungwon asked with a shrug and grinned. “To be honest I would have never thought of you as someone selfish. You kept doing things for people, fucking up your own health and stability just to satisfy them. If I had some advice for you, back when I first met you, it would have been to give less shits about people. Now that I'm involved, I just wish for you to give more shits about me.” The smile remained, open and clear on Kyungwon’s face without any attempt to hide it. Although his eyes had something sad to them.

“I do. I care about you a lot, it just hasn't resulted in behavioral changes because I'm fucking hesitant when it comes to really doing something, but I'm going to do it, fuck, I'm going to do it all if that means that you can be happy,” he whispered and turned to look into the other man's big, brown eyes.

“What are you afraid of?” Kyungwon asked and placed his half empty whiskey glass on the counter, curling his second arm around Hoseok’s waist as well. “That one of us will be upset and leave you? For now, leaving doesn't seem to be the point, it's rather about fitting in, isn't it?”

“More like not fitting in, which leads to awkwardness, hurt feelings, pain, numbness and then there will be no feelings left and there's no point, so I think being scared to fuck up and to lose you or Hyungwon is a thing.” He stood up and grabbed Kyungwon’s handsome face between his palms. “I love you and I'm scared because there is so much going on that I'm not sure that I will be able to see, recognize and do something about it.”

“You know, Hoseok,” the other man began and hugged Hoseok tightly, looking at him intently. “I think at this point you'd have to do an awful lot to make me stop loving you. Trust me, I've tried for a whole year.” Kyungwon sighed and leaned in to kiss Hoseok’s lips briefly. “I think we just need to make sure we talk, that you tell us when something feels weird, because maybe we don't even realize. I also don't want to intrude on you and Hyungwon too much, especially if it's a pity party because I can't sleep. I told you that I hate those.”

“It's not a pity party, I miss you and I want to have you around. You're- you're different when it's us three,” he commented and leaned closer, licking over Kyungwon’s lips, not able to hold himself back due to the proximity.

“How am I different?” the other man asked against his lips and caught his lower lip with his teeth, all the while holding eye contact.

“Hesitant, careful, a little insecure but masking it by being obscene or rough? Does it make sense? Maybe it's also me going nuts.” Exhaling sharply, he tightened his fingers in the other man's shirt.

Kyungwon’s expression changed a little as if Hoseok had hit dead on with his guess, eyes widening and body tensing.

“Well, considering that you solve your problems with sex, shouldn't you be familiar with it? Just that it's less affectionate with me.”

“Getting defensive? Need to relax first so we can talk?” Hoseok smirked and leaned in, biting into the other man's neck carefully while pressing their bodies closer.

Kyungwon’s eyes narrowed and he groaned, burying his nails deeper in Hoseok’s waist.

“I don't get defensive on purpose, it's just- I don't even fucking know. Just look at yourself and Hyungwon and figure out how I might feel, asshole.”

“Ah, so now I have to figure it out? How the fuck am I supposed to talk to you if you start your arrogant bullshit that makes me want to fuck you until you beg? Fuck,” he groaned and pushed his thigh in between the black-haired man's pretty legs, rubbing and scratching his nails over his clothed back.

“Shit,” Kyungwon cursed at the friction and pulled at Hoseok’s t-shirt, glaring at him. “I won't fucking beg for you, Hoseok. I never beg, I can't give you that ego push that Hyungwon is able to give you.”

“Hyungwon doesn't push my ego, you arrogant fucker, be careful that you don't choke on that confidence,” he groaned, feeling how his self-control slipped out of his grasp and he pulled Kyungwon’s shirt over his head, watching how the other man's golden skin shimmered in the light.

“Is that it, you want to fuck me into the mattress to feel better? Cute,” the black-haired man hissed and pulled at the waistband of Hoseok’s jeans, opening the button and lowering the zipper. “Do you like to win over me, is that it? Like a fucking game?”

“Depends on what you're into, I could also just take you like a fucking sack of potatoes and throw you on the bed if you like it better, like that one time,” he said. His anger boiled over. “Or I could look into your pretty, angry face and touch myself so you can watch without letting you do anything,” Hoseok added after licking over his lips.

_Why are you like this, Hoseok?_

Kyungwon was breathing heavily, visibly furious with how his fingers grabbed Hoseok’s jeans, almost white from the effort. His eyes were narrowed, and his lower lip was caught between his teeth, a blood red color.

“Don't you fucking dare manhandle me, Hoseok,” he hissed and reached into Hoseok’s briefs, curling his fingers around his erection and squeezing at the border of painful. “Do you actually love me, or do you just like to fuck me? It’s not the fucking same and I can see it.”

_What?_

_Asshole._

“Oh, emotional blackmail? Wow, your brain must've been out of insults, sure, why would I want to fuck you, am I right? Let's drink tea.” Hoseok squeezed the other man's hand painfully to make him release his dick and pulled his jeans up, closing the button and walking to the water kettle to fill it with water.

Suddenly he heard Kyungwon sink to the floor, not saying anything but merely clenching his fists. The black-haired man's face wasn't visible with how he stared at the floor without making a single sound. Even his breaths didn't reach Hoseok’s ears.

_Shit, it's serious, Hoseok._

Leaving everything on the counter, he closed the distance and crouched down, pulling Kyungwon into his embrace.

“No tea then,” he murmured.

The black-haired man didn't reply and stayed rigid in his arms, heavy inhales finally loud enough for Hoseok to hear. It seemed like Kyungwon tried to calm himself down, to regain composure as he still didn't look up, eyes fixed on the ground.

After a minute or two, the other man's low voice broke the silence, no louder than a whisper.

“Do you love me or not?”

_There's no love, but just proof of love and he didn't get it from you._

Hoseok felt in pain at the sight, feeling how his lungs clenched, showing him once again that he was continuously hurting the people he loved and Kyungwon seemed to be a special case. He had been hurting the other man the longest and probably also the worst.

“I do. I do, so fucking much, but it's no good,” he whispered and lay down, placing his head on the black-haired man's lap, staring up. He really didn't want to cry, but it was hard not to.

“Then why can't you treat me like that? Why is it so fucking different when you touch him?” Kyungwon asked and Hoseok could feel a drop hit his face, instantly causing the other man to lift his head and look up, Adam's apple bobbing at how he swallowed. “It's not the same, not at all.”

_Hyungwon. He means Hyungwon._

“But- but you told me it doesn't have to be the same, do you- do you want me to treat you the same? I want to make you happy, I will do it if that's what you want, Kyungwon, look at me,” he murmured, reaching for the other man's chin and pulling it down a little.

He was met with dark brown eyes, looking so terribly hurt as tears instantly moved past the other man's eyelids and ran down his golden cheeks.

“I don't know, Hoseok. I don't need you to treat me the same but- it's just not comparable. The way you look at him, how affectionate it is, all the eye contact. I could have tasted how much you love him if I had closed my eyes. And it's fine, it is, he's beautiful and deserves all the love you can give him, but- but are you sure that your feelings for me are the same? Am I not just breaking something you have established over time? There is so much trust and- I don't know if I could dare to become part of it just like that.” Kyungwon visibly tried to stay quiet, not allowing a sob to pass his lips as he pressed them together and inhaled roughly through his nose. “I love you so much, but is it really love? Am I just greedy, are we both just greedy? I have no fucking idea, Hoseok.”

_Are you, Hoseok?_

“If I was just greedy I wouldn’t have held myself back when I visited you a year ago, telling you to stop touching me. This is not going away, Kyungwon and I wouldn’t have acted on it if it was in any way possible to keep it to myself. My feelings for you are not the same, but the essence is. When I’m with Hyungwon I can’t help thinking about you too, about how you might feel, what you are doing and whether you’re smiling or not.

_Your dominant ass is probably far too much for him. He thinks you just want to win or whatever._

“I’m sorry, I guess I’m a possessive jerk and hate feeling like I don’t have something. Fuck- I don’t even know how it’s supposed to be in the first place.” Kyungwon sighed and lifted his right hand, unclenching his fist and stroking over Hoseok’s hair. “I’m also not really a crazily affectionate person in the sense that Hyungwon is, but- I guess I just haven’t really let go yet. Maybe it’s my fault too, Hyungwon gives himself so easily and I am constantly getting defensive as if your main purpose in life is to hurt me.” Long fingers raked through the blonde strands of his hair as the black-haired man watched his face intently.

“But it’s never just one person who fucks up, Kyungwon. I’m sorry for getting furious so quickly, my brain just plays the dom tape and I can’t stop until I get mean like before or if the other breaks. It sucks, I’m sorry. It’s okay to be possessive, although you don’t belong to me and I don’t belong to anybody either, it’s just that I want to be with you and I love you. I want to make you and Hyungwon happy and I want this to work but there’s so much going on, fuck.” He closed his eyes, drowning in the feeling of the other man’s long fingers stroking over his hair.

Kyungwon hummed and licked his lips. His fingers were drawing small circles on his scalp, moving down like it was a habit and something he did a lot, massaging the muscles of his neck.

“I love you too, Hoseok, although it might not quite look like it sometimes. You’re not the only one playing the dom tape, fuck- we’re hopeless.” A chuckle left the plump lips as the black-haired man’s hand moved over to Hoseok’s cheek, stroking over his curved lips carefully.

“Would you-” Kyungwon chuckled at himself. “Would you kiss me like last time, on the couch?”

“I’d never kiss you in any other way, if that’s what you want,” Hoseok whispered and sat up. Focusing his gaze on the other man’s face, he watched how his eyes got darker and lighter depending on the shadows, how his lips parted and closed again, how his tongue licked over the smooth surface of his mouth and how his nostrils let out air. He smiled and leaned closer, exhaling against Kyungwon’s lips before pressing his own mouth against them right after.

The black-haired man exhaled softly through his nose, like he had been holding his breath, as soon as their lips touched, focusing on the kiss alone and letting his eyes flutter shut. Lean arms curled around his neck and pulled him closer without urgency, just to have more points of contact while licking into his mouth softly. It felt so nice, so fucking nice to not fight for once but to simply touch each other, to feel warmth and to kiss.

He raked through Kyungwon’s black hair, feeling how his silky strands slipped between his fingers, how his thin arms felt around his neck and how his hot mouth felt against his lips, it was intense.

“I love you,” he muttered between the kisses and without opening his eyes.

“I love you too,” Kyungwon gasped and moved closer, pushing Hoseok backwards softly so he could climb on his lap, towering above him by a few centimeters and kissing him slowly, tongue warm and exploring his mouth instead of proving a point. He loved it.

Curling his arms around the other man’s slim body, he let his hands walk over Kyungwon’s back, tracing his spine and pushing him softly against his own chest to feel more of the warmth.

“You drive me fucking mad, Hoseok, I want this to work so bad,” the plump lips whispered against his own as something desperate made its way into Kyungwon’s actions, arms holding him tighter and thighs squeezing his hips a little. “I need you, I need you so bad.”

“I need you too, Kyungwon. I always thought that being alone was the only thing life offered me, but now I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone, I need this to breathe,” he pressed out, not having enough oxygen to speak properly with how desperately they kissed, it reminded him of the one time on Kyungwon’s couch, when he had told the other man that there shouldn’t be anything going on between the two of them.

“Then don’t leave me alone, I’m scared you’ll have to give this up although I should be confident about my worth.” Kyungwon placed open-mouthed kisses against his lips, licking into his mouth, meeting his tongue and nibbling on his lower lip softly. The other man’s long fingers settled in his hair and let his blonde strands slide between the spaces in between. “I don’t want you to decide that it’s not working, stay with me, Hoseok, I’ll make you happy.”

“I was serious about not being able to stop after I told you that I love you. I don’t want to leave you alone, I want this to work, so all of us can be happy. Shit, you don’t know how much I miss you even though you’re the one who should be complaining, fuck.” He sucked in Kyungwon’s scent, somehow expensive but also manly and rough, he loved it and he couldn’t get enough of it.

“You know,” Kyungwon gasped and pushed Hoseok a little further into his neck like he enjoyed it. The other’s slim body fit perfectly into his arms, as if it was meant to be there. “I think it will work, I’m convinced because I want it to work and because it’s about Hyungwon. If it had been anybody else I would have already lost it but it’s okay because it’s him.”

Hoseok kissed along Kyungwon’s smooth neck, leaving thin traces with his tongue and sucking on the skin once in a while. At this moment, the slim figure in his lap was everything he ever wanted.

“I just want to hold you like this, all the time.”

“Then do it,” Kyungwon whispered and placed a kiss on top of his head.

_You could if there wasn’t another person._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

The door fell into its lock, like a gunshot.

Of course one might have called it a little dramatic, but that was exactly how it felt. A strong puff of air passed through the spacious loft and although it didn’t happen, Kyungwon could have easily imagined the loose strands of his hair moving up, still messy because he had just woken up. It felt like a gunshot because there was not only the air hitting his face from the force with which Hoseok had closed the door, but also the pain in his chest that spread instantly as if the other man had fired right at him instead of just leaving his apartment.

Sure, Kyungwon knew that Hoseok was going to come back and that he only went to work, but after work the blonde man was going to return to Hyungwon, the place where he lived and was meant to be and only when he had the time and energy, possibly also the balls, was he going to visit Kyungwon again. Once Hoseok returned, he was going to hold him in his arms like he loved him and kiss him repeatedly until he fell asleep, much like last night.

_But only when he returns._

It hurt. It hurt to know that despite being in a relationship and having actually achieved what he had wanted all this time, to have Hoseok and be loved back, not much had changed. He was still alone and wished to be with the other man as he had before. He was still falling asleep alone while wishing to be held instead and he still smoked on his balcony because he hated the way it felt.

The fault wasn’t all with Hoseok, Kyungwon knew that. He also had the capability of jumping into his car and driving those ten minutes, be with both of them and enjoy the embrace he missed, but it wasn’t quite the same because he was an extra, visiting a living space that wasn’t his to be in. He was like an intruder that jumped in on his brother’s happiness.

A little like a third wheel, a third-wheel that was loved but still a third-wheel.

He didn’t quite know what he was supposed to do about it yet. There wasn’t really much he could do. Hoseok could tell him how much he loved him and how much he wanted him in his arms and how much he missed him, thought of him all the time, and wished to have him there. In the end the blonde man still left, closing the door behind him and shooting Kyungwon in his fucking chest.

Groaning, he climbed off the bed and brushed his teeth, fighting the unpleasant feeling, the knowledge that he was most likely all on his own that night.

 _Before_ , _you at least had strangers and sex to compensate with, this was it’s just endless waiting._

Throwing his toothbrush back into its glass, he returned to the area of his bed, looking through the wardrobe until he chose a suit for the day, slipping into the cool fabric and fixing his tie as he stared into the mirror.

_You’re a loner, Kyungwon. You can’t just circulate the same thoughts in your head all the time. That’s what makes Hyungwon depressed._

He sighed and brushed through his hair. The problem was that the main person he always talked to was Hyungwon, but his brother was involved, just as much as he was, and every advice that might have left the pretty, plump lips was just as influenced by the other man’s wish to make him happy as by his love towards Hoseok. It was complicated and Kyungwon didn’t want the shy man to make sacrifices, abandoning his time with Hoseok just because he looked miserable.

_And you also can’t look miserable every time you meet him._

He needed to get his thoughts straight, but his options were limited, much like his time and strength.

_But you’re also tired of feeling like this. Why the hell would you do that to yourself?_

Indeed. Kyungwon slipped into his polished pair of oxfords and threw a last glance into the mirror next to the front door, fixing a few messy strands of hair on his head.

His fucking job was to solve problems efficiently and if it worked with money it had to work with relationships too.

 

_

 

Standing in front of the familiar apartment door, car parked shittily right at the side of the street like an asshole, Kyungwon almost felt catapulted back in time, about a year and a half to be precise.

He wasn’t sure if his current attempt at problem solving even qualified as problem solving with how he wanted someone else to do it for him, but it was better than nothing. As long as it worked that is.

Sighing and fixing his hair one last time, he pressed the doorbell and leaned against the frame to not look too desperate. It just didn’t fit him.

There was shuffling before a head appeared in the door crack, long eyes looking up at him. First there was surprise, then worry that transitioned into pure resignation.

“Come in,” Kihyun muttered and opened the door wide for him to enter.

“Why didn’t you move, isn’t it too big for you on your own?” Kyungwon asked to break the tension a little while stepping into the apartment. Kihyun seemed like he already had an idea as to why he had come and Kyungwon hated being predictable. Talking about something else might make it possible to prove him wrong, a little bit.

The apartment had changed, missing a lot of the items that he vaguely remembered being there, back when Hoseok had lived there as well.

“I'm staying so I can take Hoseok back when he fucks everything up,” the shorter man muttered before walking into the kitchen and fumbling with dishes.

“You think it’s that bad?” he couldn’t help asking and followed Kihyun to the familiar kitchen, the same one where Hoseok and him had sat on the counter and talked about lifestyle. It felt like ages ago, much more than a year.

_Well, he did tell Hoseok that he was ruining everything._

The counter and table were spotless and Kyungwon liked that somehow. It made the short man much more likeable.

“Want a smoothie?” Kihyun asked and opened his fridge, pouring red liquid into one of the glasses he had prepared. “Yeah, it will take a little time but the direction in which it's going makes me positive. I'll prepare his room.”

Hyungwon would have choked on air, but drinking smoothies in winter couldn’t be that rare, especially for someone who appeared to have an equal obsession with clean furniture and rooms. It was slightly disconcerting even.

“Yeah sure, especially if you made it yourself,” Kyungwon remarked and couldn’t help the discomfort in his chest at Kihyun being so fucking pessimistic about the whole thing. He had hoped for a little bit of advice and not a huge red light with a ‘don’t go there’ sign in caps all over it. “But I doubt that Hyungwon would throw him out, he likes him too fucking much, so don’t bother with the room.”

“He'll leave by himself.” Kyungwon would've laughed but it sounded way too serious. Serious enough to make the anger spark in his chest in a matter of two seconds.

“He better not leave Hyungwon if he wants to keep his fucking dick attached to his body,” he hissed and reached out for one of the glasses Kihyun had prepared, taking a sip of the cool liquid to calm down. There was no fucking way he would let Hoseok hurt Hyungwon like that, independent of how much the blonde man fucked up. Kyungwon himself could take quite a bit but not his brother, fuck. “Until now I feel like Hyungwon is doing the best among the three of us.”

“Mhm, I know. He's the one with the brain but the inability to say no, so he's probably doing his best with this mess and is at the same time the tiny thread that keeps it all together. Meanwhile risking his mental health, he took a year to stabilize. Yeah.” The other man took a sip of his smoothie as if he had been talking about the weather.

Kyungwon wanted to argue with that, to tell Kihyun that he was wrong, but he wasn’t wrong about everything, unfortunately. There was no way to safely say that Hyungwon was stable and not compromising his mental health, feeling wonderful and great while Hoseok slipped out of his bed once in a while to visit Kyungwon. Fuck.

“You’re not quite right about him. He’s much better at saying no than you might think. I thought the one who can’t say no is Hoseok. At least mostly. What I meant was that Hyungwon seems to have the least problems with the concept, he is positive and wants me to come and be around and all of us to be this gigantic cuddly mess, but Hoseok and me have a different dynamic going on. I’m not quite sure how he feels about that. In addition, I feel like I’m the extra, waiting until someone picks me up or asks me to join the fucking party.” Kyungwon groaned and drank more of his smoothie before throwing himself on one of the chairs, crossing his legs as much as he could without compromising his suit pants. “Why is this so fucking complicated?”

“Because a relationship between two people is already complicated, but what you're doing is a huge, fucking mess. Not that I pity you or anything, you're a fucking adult, but you seem to be on the losing end of this. Especially if you keep silent because you like your brother. That's why I told Hoseok that it's insane,” the other man elaborated, gesturing and glancing over to him once in a while with his slightly intimidating gaze. Kyungwon liked him for standing his ground despite his size, it reminded him of his own struggles to not have people underestimate him because he was thin.

“And what do you think I should do?” he asked, chewing on his cheek and watching the expression on Kihyun’s face carefully. “And don’t tell me to drop this, Kihyun, because I have tried for the past year and I can’t fucking do it. I am not sure you really understand what this means for me. I’m not someone to give much of a shit, but I can’t fucking help it so don’t give me a fuckboy talk on forgetting about it. I’ve given myself enough of those.”

The brown-haired man watched him intently while tasting the smoothie on his tongue, moving it inside his mouth and finally swallowing it.

“I never thought I would say this, but-” he started crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Stop being so nice. It'll just fuck you up and no-one will notice, believe me.”

Kyungwon couldn’t help the way his eyes widened at the comment. Out of everything he had expected, that was definitely not it. He didn’t even consider himself to be nice, especially with how he riled Hoseok up and wanted to punch his face more than once during their encounters.

“And how exactly am I nice?” he asked and tilted his head a little in question, staring at Kihyun to see if he was trying to bullshit him.

“I'm not here to insult you or make fun of you, so I won't tell you that your fuckboy image and all that cursing and aggressive talk are just masking your soft nature to not get hurt or whatnot. If you don't voice your needs, your fears, your feelings, as stupid as it sounds, you'll end up being the dumb one. I understand that this situation is hard because of Hyungwon and his sensitivity but think about it: Hoseok is with him all the time, asking him whether everything is okay, because that's what their relationship is like. He knows each tiny problem, any sign of discomfort and can take care of it, thinking everything is fine. You're probably hanging around in your fancy home feeling like a shitty accessory and waiting until your boyfriend finally has the balls to come over because you don't want to butt into their relationship. You are part of this relationship now, Kyungwon. You're not butting in, you're voicing your legitimate opinion and discussing your needs. You're not doing it and I know that because I talked to Hoseok. He thinks everything is fine because you just fuck or whatever it is that you're doing without talking about all those things you should be actually talking about. But yeah, do whatever you like-" Kihyun must've thought about the topic a lot to be able to come up with a fucking monologue whereas him and Hoseok weren't able to come close to the things Kihyun was saying.

Kyungwon had been angry at first, furious even as Kihyun elaborated on his ‘fuckboy image’ and him ending up as the dumb one, but the longer the short man talked the more he just wanted to cry instead because Kihyun was fucking right. He was fucking right and there was no way that Hoseok would just grab his balls and change the way he acted around him, not unless Kyungwon told him to fucking do it. The blonde man was just much better tuned to Hyungwon and his concerns, worried about hurting him, much like Kyungwon himself, but he couldn’t just sit at home and feel like shit ‘just in case’. Who the fuck was he to deal with that?

He clenched his teeth and glanced to the ceiling, examining absolutely nothing as he thought about it. He thought about his options, what he had a right to demand and what not. If he was really an equal part of the relationship, why the fuck was he just staying behind? Hyungwon himself had offered, he had been the first one to agree, so wouldn’t his brother be happier when he was too? His own misery had been the reason for Hyungwon’s depressive episode back then, but here he was, making himself miserable to protect his brother.

“I fucking hate Hoseok for doing this to me,” he murmured, but it only scratched at the surface of his feelings. He didn’t really hate the blonde man. He loved him too much in addition to his brother and the crazy relationship that the three of them shared. He just wanted to drive over there and tell them to give him a fucking break and listen to him for once.

“And that is exactly my problem with this. You're sitting here and telling me that, suffering by yourself instead of changing anything. Hoseok is an asshole sometimes, he really is, not realizing things and that his behavior hurts people he loves. But he also loves you, I know, I’ve known from long ago and I'm also kind of happy that he decided to act on it. You can't expect him to know how you're feeling if you mask it with confidence and by not giving a shit, you have to scream it at him or however you do things between you two.” Kihyun brushed his hair back and focused his gaze on his face. The other man had a point again, but it wasn’t like Kyungwon hadn’t done anything at all. He had been furious at Hoseok ignoring him and only coming when he got his shit together, treating him like a damn affair.

“I did,” he murmured and couldn’t help getting angry again, angry at constantly having to wait for something to happen. “I fucking screamed it in his face and then he went all emotional and cried on the ground while hugging my legs. What else am I supposed to do?”

“He cried?” The other man's eyes turned big in disbelief. “Shit, that's bad.”

‘That’s bad?’ Kyungwon had no fucking idea what that was supposed to mean apart from Hoseok probably being similar to him, only crying while giving head.

“Why? He rarely cries? He treated me like shit, so that was the least he could do. He blamed me for not coming over myself after that although he lives with Hyungwon and it’s as if I’m intruding on their intense affection-filled relationship.”

“Him crying means that he's blaming himself for fucking everything. Fuck, I need to talk to him,” Kihyun looked seriously worried when he left the room and came back with his phone, typing furiously. Kyungwon couldn’t help but feel adrenaline rush in his veins, instantly reacting to the other man’s semi-panic. If Hoseok’s best friend felt like the world was ending for the other man, then it probably was, shit.

“But- why would he blame himself instead of acting on it and making it better? That’s- that’s almost like Hyungwon,” he commented and stood up, moving over to Kihyun and glancing over his shoulder.

“Because he's still fucking traumatized and can't handle hurting people. He was doing good with Hyungwon because it was an emergency and then they kinda slid into living together and everything, but before it was the same mess. He's scared to act and to fuck up and if he does he blames himself and turns into this fucking puddle of sacrifice, doing everything for everyone besides himself. That's why I said he’ll leave by himself. Not because he wants to but because he thinks that it's best for everybody.” Kihyun was speaking fast while typing messages to Hoseok, telling him to call him immediately.

“He’s an idiot,” Kyungwon whispered, but wished to run over there and press the blonde man to his chest and tell him to stop thinking about everyone so fucking much while being unable to act on his wishes. He wanted to just hug him and stroke his head, much like Hyungwon did with him each time he was devastated. Like that one time after Hoseok had told him to be friends and he wasn’t able to get himself together, crying in Hyungwon’s arms for two hours. “I’ll talk to him too, I feel like I’m the only one who is actually able to solve this.”

The other man hummed while typing an answer to Hoseok's message.

“Do you want to call him now? I will go over to him afterwards then,” he commented and grabbed Kihyun’s and his smoothie glass, washing them out thoroughly in the sink.

There was no answer for a couple of seconds before Kihyun finally spoke.

“Come here, bunny, we need to talk,” he murmured into his phone. Kyungwon’s eyes widened and his heart almost fell to his stomach as he turned around and stared at Kihyun who was casually telling Hoseok to come over while he was still there. There was no fucking reason for Kyungwon to be there, especially in the eyes of the blonde man as Kihyun and him weren’t that close, they only talked at parties and greeted each other whenever they met by chance. Fuck.

‘What the fuck?’ he mouthed at Kihyun and gestured that he was still there and was most likely out of place for that talk.

Kihyun didn't seem to recognize the problem and hummed into the phone before hanging up.

“What's wrong?”

“Do you really think it’s fine for me to hang around here, warming your kitchen chair with my ass while you wait for Hoseok to come over? Don’t you think it’s a teeny tiny bit weird that I would hang out at your place, casually drinking smoothies in my fancy suit right after work?” He couldn’t believe Kihyun was so chill about this. Popping up at his boyfriend’s best friend’s place was like screaming SOS in his face while writing it with a huge red marker on a whiteboard. Kyungwon didn’t talk to anyone apart from Hyungwon, he didn’t have the need to and the fact that he talked to Kihyun, who he wasn’t that close with, was suspicious as fuck.

_And you don’t want to admit that you were desperate._

“Want to run away? You have five minutes.” The other man glanced at his watch. “Three and a half.”

_Being a pussy doesn’t fit you, Kyungwon. What the fuck?_

He placed the clean glasses next to the sink to dry and let himself fall back on the chair with a sigh.

“Never mind, might as well announce my issues with a boom,” he murmured and brushed through his black hair, checking with his fingers whether the gel was still in place and he looked the way he was supposed to.

“I was ready to be disappointed, but wow. You have my respect.”

“For dealing with being so fucking whipped?” he asked and rolled his eyes, gesturing for Kihyun to pour him another smoothie. “I would ask for something stronger but I’m not sure you have it.”

“For not pussying out,” Kihyun murmured and lifted on his toes to grab a tumbler and pulled a bottle of gin out of the fridge, filling a quarter of it. “Here.”

“Shit, you’re cute with your size and going on tiptoes and all. Kinda nasty, but still cute, reminds me why I called you a kitten. It’s the eyes and the size,” Kyungwon remarked and took the tumbler, grateful for the liquid courage. There was just something about the situation that made him semi-panic but knowing himself he was going to ace it as usual.

_Just that you shouldn’t burst with confidence but point out your issues, fuck._

“I can read on your forehead that you're a nervous mess, so I won't tell you to go fuck yourself, but you better-" The bell rang and Kihyun walked to the door.

_Well, fuck._

Kyungwon just remained sitting on his chair, enjoying his gin and telling his heart to chill the fuck out instead of trying to fit Hyungwon’s taste in music. It was just a talk and the worst that could happen was one of them getting hurt. Which was pretty bad. Fuck.

He heard Hoseok entering the apartment and probably squeezing Kihyun with how the other man had tried to suppress a yelp.

“Why do you need to talk suddenly? Nothing really happened, I think,” Hoseok murmured somewhere next to the door.

“I thought we had a deal, bunny? I thought you promised to only cry after you received my permission,” Kihyun said quietly but he could still hear with how quiet the apartment was.

“What? But I didn't cry, seriously,” Hoseok commented confidently while walking into the kitchen.

_Bullshit. He cried twice._

Kyungwon tried hard to look like he was there for the hell of it and there was absolutely nothing strange about the situation, however, his body said fuck you. Instead of pure tranquility, his eyes widened and instantly moved from Hoseok’s face over his muscular body, and the way he filled out his jeans, back up to his face. His rather shocked face.

“Hi, babe,” Kyungwon commented as soon as he caught himself, which was a little faster than Hoseok did. Inhaling sharply, he took another sip of his gin and changed the leg that he crossed over the other, pulling his suit pants a little uncomfortably at the crotch area.

“What-" Hoseok turned to Kihyun and back to him. “What are you doing here? Promoting synergy? Don't, Kihyun only knows Shakespeare.” Hoseok still stared but chuckled nevertheless.

“I don't know shit about synergy,” Kyungwon remarked but couldn't help the small smile at Hoseok’s attempt to loosen up the atmosphere. “I'm drinking gin and talking about life. Kitten is kinda smart.”

The blonde man's eyes immediately went to Kihyun, examining the expression on his face.

“Didn't know that you were close enough to talk about life and drink gin together, or is this a recent development?” Sitting down on a chair across from him, Hoseok looked over his form, his neck, hands and face as far as he could judge. It was a strange choice.

_Unless he looks at everything that isn't covered by fabric._

“Pretty recent I would say, since today. I popped by after work, that's why I look like I'm about to give a talk on our new banking program and that you should all invest in.” Kyungwon brushed through his hair and twirled the liquid in his glass, staring at Hoseok’s thighs until he caught himself. Libido was a scary thing.

“So, you told him that I cried?” Hoseok asked out of nowhere and tilted his head, watching him with his dark eyes. Well, being inconspicuous had worked well. Not.

“Yes, what the fuck is going on, Hoseok? We agreed that we'd talk about stuff like that,” Kihyun interrupted, seeing how tense the atmosphere was and grabbed Hoseok's shoulder. It looked painful.

Kyungwon felt a little bad for exposing the other man, but it hadn't been the main point of conversation and he hadn't known that it carried so much importance, especially for Hoseok’s best friend. He threw Hoseok an apologetic look and chewed on his cheek again, watching the blonde man's expression carefully.

_It must be a protection mechanism, like you asking Hyungwon to tell you when something concerns him or when he feels down._

“Nothing is going on,” the blonde answered, and he could see how his muscles tensed and he chewed on his cheek. He was lying, and one didn't need to be an expert to figure that out.

“The last time you cried was on the hospital veranda, Hoseok. What the fuck is going on? I would've asked you alone and I know that you don't want to say it because he's here, but you should say it because he's here.” Kihyun pinched Hoseok's skin, not earning any reaction from the muscular man.

Kyungwon hissed at the words, not comprehending at first but easily remembering the lover that Hoseok had lost due to anorexia. It was difficult to not know with how much it had concerned Hyungwon and how Hoseok had told him about it himself. But the current situation was so different from back then and from actually losing someone. Hyungwon was stable and Kyungwon had never considered suicide in his whole life. There was no reason for Hoseok to blame himself for the difficulties they faced apart from his unwillingness to give Kyungwon more of his time.

“He's right, Hoseok,” he murmured and placed his tumbler on the table. Lifting his hips a little, he pushed himself closer to Hoseok and covered the blonde man's right thigh with his palm for reassurance. He looked like he needed it.

Hoseok looked hurt as he lifted his gaze and focused on Kyungwon’s face, staring for a couple of seconds before his lips parted to talk.

“You’re here because you’re unhappy with this, am I right?”

It hurt to see the other man look that devastated, the way his eyes changed, and his lips pulled together, the pretty, curved corners pointing downwards.

“I didn't know what to do, so I decided to talk to Kihyun because he's unbiased. He isn't part of this relationship and he doesn't have any responsibility towards any of us. Apart from you maybe.” He sighed and stroked along Hoseok’s thigh, hoping that the other man wouldn't drown in negative thoughts concerning Kyungwon coming to his best friend. Sure, the situation kinda sucked and he wanted to be able to hug and kiss Hoseok as he liked and when he liked, instead of being the extra wheel, but it shouldn't be a reason for the blonde man to be miserable. Instead, it should have motivated him to do something about it. “I don't want you to feel guilty, I want you to change something.”

His words didn’t seem to get through as Hoseok simply sighed, throwing his head back.

“The thing is, I started all this, and I told you both that I’d make you happy but I’m making you miserable instead. That’s a fact. I don’t know how to change anything about this besides giving you space to be with your brother and to feel like shit as soon as I have to leave one of you to go to the other. You were right.” Hoseok murmured his last words in Kihyun’s direction.

“That's bullshit, what you can do is see me more often and stop feeling like an asshole, because avoiding the problem makes you exactly that, an asshole. I just can't help feeling like a replacement. I'm not sure you understand.” Kyungwon sighed and brushed through his hair but kept his other hand on top of Hoseok’s thigh, he needed the contact. “I just want to be part of this and until now I feel like the bad hoe that steals the lover. The one who has no idea what has been going on the past year and just jumps in on the party.”

Saying it out loud made it so fucking real and only hurt so much more, stabbing sensation spreading in his chest and forcing his fingers to shake although he was holding onto something.

_He didn't love you when he met Hyungwon. He put all this effort into making your brother stable and now you're suddenly popping up and confusing him and his feelings._

Much like Kyungwon was confusing himself, wishing to share his brother's lover because he couldn't find one of his own.

Hoseok hummed while staring into nothing.

“So, you want me to come more often? I can do that.”

That wasn't the whole point.

“No, not only- it's-" Even Kyungwon didn't really know what the whole point was. What did he want? To be part of it? But what the fuck did that even mean? He couldn't just move in and hang around with them although the two of them have been doing fucking fine on their own. It would be like intruding into their personal space just because Hoseok’s feelings had extended beyond Hyungwon.

_But you also don't want to be the extra._

“I want to be part of it. I don't want to feel like you leave me when you leave. I don't want you to leave in the first place. I just want to see your face when I wake up, just like Hyungwon. Fuck.”

It was fucking cheesy, but it was what he wanted, he basically wanted to be Hyungwon. To live with Hoseok and have him around all the time, to see his bright smiles and watch him make coffee while he chilled on one of the kitchen chairs, laughing at him for disgracing the Italians with all that milk he poured on top of it. Kyungwon just wanted to stop being alone and have the other man around him all the time. He didn't even mind it if Hyungwon was there too, he fucking loved him and wanted him to be happy.

_But you are also tired of being miserable by yourself._

It was funny how Hyungwon had always thought of him as the perfect copy. He wasn't, because he didn't have the things that really mattered.

“I don’t know how this is supposed to work,” Hoseok whispered. He looked strange, there was none of the usual smiling or movements in the other man’s face, his hands just hung loosely at his sides and he looked miserable.

“This is what I was talking about.” Kihyun looked at him and gestured in Hoseok’s direction, but the blonde just stood up and walked out, getting into his shoes in a matter of seconds and leaving through the front door despite Kihyun running after him and telling him to fucking stay.

“Why the hell did he leave?” Kyungwon exclaimed, shock obvious while his body acted all on his own, slipping into his shoes and throwing his coat over his shoulders in a matter of seconds. “If there is something that I hate then it's fucking running away.” He felt furious and scared at the same time, scared that Hoseok was going to drop everything because he felt like it was better.

“Wait, you fucking coward,” he screamed before running out of the apartment, not bothering to say goodbye to Kihyun. The other man was probably able to deal with that and Kyungwon had to save his fucking relationship.

Thank god he was a good runner.

He sprinted over the street and around the corner until he finally saw Hoseok leaning against the wall next to one of the resident houses. Adrenaline rushed through his veins and almost blurred his surroundings as he ran over and threw his palms against the wall next to Hoseok’s head, anger boiling over just like the fear to lose the other man because of his own misconceptions.

“Why are you running away?” he breathed out, lungs sucking in air after sprinting the distance.

“Don’t know, must be a coping strategy,” Hoseok answered, not moving a single bit and also not reacting to his outburst.

“Then break it, Hoseok. Don't run away from me. I just want to punch you for running away instead of solving this. Do you think I'll feel better if you drop this? If you decide that I'm better off without you? Then fucking think again. I was miserable without you, even when I avoided you like a disease.” Kyungwon swallowed to not let the hurt take over the anger. Why was it so fucking hard to give in? To admit to weaknesses? “Even though I'm upset about not having all of you I'm much happier than I was without you, Hoseok, believe it or not. I've never wanted to have someone close to me as much as I want you. I need you, I told you how much I need you. So-” He swallowed because he felt the emotions spill, eyes burning just like the space between his eyebrows. “Stop running away and kiss me, you asshole.”

The blonde man looked up, finally focusing on his face instead of the nothingness he had been staring at.

“But how will kissing you make this any better?” Hoseok whispered and stroked over his cheek with his right hand, curling his fingers into his black hair and leaning in until Kyungwon could feel the familiar curved lips touch his.

The sensation resembled a bullet, much like the time Hoseok had left him behind in his bed. But this time it was different, it wasn’t painful per se and it didn’t feel like it ripped his insides apart. No, it cracked his anger and his resolve and only left the wish to just open up and cry and tell Hoseok why he was so fucking upset. Why did he have to be strong all the time? It was so fucking hard, to keep his composure and pretend like he didn't need anybody although he couldn't fucking be on his own. At all.

Kyungwon’s eyes felt wet but he ignored it and curled his arms around Hoseok’s waist. Exhaling shakily into the kiss, he pulled the other man closer and licked over his lips, melting into the touch and tasting him.

“Because it makes me feel like you won't give up on me yet,” he whispered against the curved lips and curled his fingers into the other man's light clothing despite the cold. He must have forgotten his jacket while leaving. “It makes me feel like you love me.”

Hoseok leaned back and grabbed his face with his strong palms before leaning back in and breathing against his lips.

“I love you, I love you so much that I’m fucking dying on the inside because I know that I keep hurting you with everything I do and I know precisely that it’s my fault, but at the same time I can’t see a solution for this and continue torturing you even though I know exactly how much you’re suffering with all this, fuck.” Hoseok’s hands were trembling and he could see tears running down the other man’s face.

He swallowed as the painful burning in his chest returned, the same one that had haunted him for the past year, remaining despite all his attempts to forget about it and push it to the darkest corner of his subconscious.

_Heartbreak._

Kyungwon was so tired of it.

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, inhaling the scent that was so Hoseok. His lips released fog that covered their faces for a few seconds because it was so cold, making the situation seem surreal, especially with the thin fabric beneath his fingertips. It felt so otherworldly that a thought materialized in his head, one he wouldn’t have spoken out loud in any other situation.

“I don’t want to be a guest anymore,” Kyungwon whispered, speaking his mind and feeling how some of the weight left his chest, allowing him to breath properly. “I want to come over and sleep over when I want to, to wake up next to you just like him. I don’t want to wait for an invitation to see my boyfriend but come and see him myself. I want to be part of it and not just an extra, Hoseok. I am tired of lying in my bed alone and thinking that there is nothing I can do. I want to just stand up, drive over to you and be welcome, to have my toothbrush stand next to yours and Hyungwon’s and know that it belongs there and stays for when I need it. Sure, I know that you fell in love with Hyungwon first and that the two of you have gone through so much together. I also know that I am just the other brother that developed feelings, but- if you love me- don’t you think I deserve the same? Don’t I deserve to see you when I want and lie in bed next to you without the fear of you getting up and leaving me alone again? Without having to wait for the next time you decide to come to me or invite me over?”

“I don’t want you to be alone and I don’t want you to feel alone either, I’m tired of feeling like shit as soon as I walk out of whatever door, I want you next to me, I really do- but I’m not the only person to decide that.” Hoseok bit down on his lip and tightened the embrace, pressing Kyungwon closer to his chest that rose and fell quickly. It was fucking freezing.

“I know,” he whispered back and chewed on his cheek, aware of the fact that they couldn’t hurt Hyungwon. They weren’t supposed to. “But- but maybe he will be fine with it, Hoseok. Maybe he will be glad to have me close as well, I don’t know for sure of course, but it’s not like I am going to rip you from his arms when I am there. I didn’t do that before either. I just- I want to be part of this, please.” Swallowing roughly, he let go of Hoseok’s waist to pull his arms out of his coat and curl it around the two of them, thanking himself for choosing the oversized one in the morning.

“I’m an asshole,” the blonde breathed out before smiling bitterly. “But let’s go home and talk about this, I don’t want you to freeze because of me. How many more things do I have to put you through? At least don’t be cold.”

Kyungwon chuckled at that and placed a kiss against Hoseok’s lips, letting go enough to intertwine their fingers.

“You could also just let me be manly for once and enjoy the expression on people’s faces, watching the thin guy freeze because he gave his jacket to the muscle mass next to him. Don’t worry about it, it gives me personal satisfaction.” Squeezing the other man’s pale hand in his, Kyungwon pulled him along, crossing the street in the direction of Hoseok’s place. Hoseok and Hyungwon’s place. It felt exciting somehow although the thought was probably a childish one, holding hands with the other man in the middle of the street. It wasn’t even that special and he should have been past the age of getting excited about a hand in his. But that’s how it was with unattainable things, the smallest achievement turned into a shimmering trophy. Lips curled upwards in a smile, he turned towards the other man.

“You’re an asshole, but we can work on that.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

_Why are you like this? You know exactly what it feels like, but you're still doing it to him._

Hoseok sat on the familiar veranda and looked down on the park located right next to the hospital. He remembered taking walks with Kihyun and Ben, the first couple of times when the thin man had still been able to go out.

He didn't come to cry, he had cried enough while clutching onto Kyungwon’s legs, basically begging him not to leave him. He came to think about what he had actually been doing and what that meant. It was hard to be alone lately, Hyungwon was there when he came from work and he had spent his days taking care of his boyfriend’s mental state, making sure that he hadn't been fucking it up in addition to everything else.

_You're taking care of Hyungwon, but you leave Kyungwon alone as if his emotions don't matter as much. He can feel it, Hoseok, you know how that feels._

Painful. It was painful.

Sighing, he removed the blonde bangs from his forehead and looked over the unpaved road where a family walked along with their two kids who were playing hide and seek with each other. It looked peaceful. Hoseok knew that that was how families were supposed to be. He had never had the chance to experience it firsthand.

_But you have many experiences others don't have, maybe it's precious too._

Sure, for example being left alone whenever his family went on vacation. They took Changkyun along, telling him that he was the younger one and that there wasn't enough money for them to go together. All those times his mom cuddled with his brother and told him to do stupid chores instead of asking him whether he had wanted to join.

_Because you wanted to join so much._

The time he had his coming out, being nervous and anxious, he earned a disgusted facial expression on his mother's face, in addition to her telling Changkyun to stay away from him because he was bad company for a young boy.

_Because affection seems to be only for those who deserve it._

Experiences were indeed precious in shaping one’s personality. Hoseok couldn't help asking himself whether loving two people had been his way to deal with his life that lacked affection from the start.

_You probably didn't deserve it. Why would someone not love their kid right? There must've been a reason for it._

He hadn't talked to his mother for over a year. The last time had been back when Kihyun told her about depression and she hung up.

_You're the dumb one because you keep thinking about it while she doesn't even care enough to write a message for your birthday._

But his mom had never cared about his birthday, so it wasn’t a surprise. He couldn't have missed something that hadn't been there from the start.

_What do you miss then? Her making you feel useful? You're pathetic, she doesn't even need you for chores anymore. You're useless._

He was, but still he was greedy enough to start a relationship with another person, hurting him and making his life miserable in the process.

_This won't work, because of you._

He should've been useful instead.

 

_

 

He opened the door and walked into his apartment, keeping it opened wide for Kyungwon to come in.

_It's not your apartment. It's Hyungwon's apartment._

Taking off his shoes, he called for Hyungwon, trying not to be as obvious with how he felt. He deserved no pity, but he had known that Hyungwon would've immediately reacted to that, so he put on a smile.

It didn't take long for the black-haired man to appear in the hallway, only dressed in a gigantic t-shirt that almost reached his knees. He must’ve been in the process of getting dressed judged by how his wet bangs covered his forehead and were plastered to his cheeks.

“You’re fast! Kihyun sounded like it was serious,” Hyungwon remarked while pulling his shirt a little lower with his hands. His boyfriend was possibly a tiny bit self-conscious about his appearance, wishing to minimize the amount of visible skin. The nervous action stopped when his eyes settled on his brother and he smiled. “You came to visit!”

The comment must have been a bad one with how Kyungwon tensed and visibly clenched his teeth. Luckily, it only lasted a few seconds until the other smiled instead and stepped forward, curling his arms around Hyungwon in greeting, squeezing him tightly.

“Kind of,” he murmured before letting the adorable man go again. Hyungwon instantly crossed the distance towards Hoseok and curled his body around him, more intensively than usual.

“Are you- are you okay, Hoseok?” he whispered quietly into his ear, long fingers sinking into the hair at his nape. Hyungwon had always been tuned to his emotions, especially when he misinterpreted them.

“Mhm, it's okay,” he murmured and stroked over the other man's hair, it felt soft and silky and managed to calm him down a little.

_That's why Kyungwon probably feels like an extra. Because you make him feel like this._

“I'll make some coffee for all of us,” Hoseok heard from the side as Kyungwon made his way to the kitchen, brushing his arm briefly with his warm fingers.

_What a mess._

Placing a kiss on Hyungwon's forehead, he leaned back, examining the other man's expression.

“How are you? Are you okay? I think we need to talk, the three of us. I'm sorry for all this mess,” he whispered in apology.

“It's fine.” Hyungwon smiled brightly and stroked over his blonde hair, as if to calm him. “I don't want him to be upset.”

“Me neither.”

Hoseok let go and walked over to the kitchen, spotting Kyungwon in front of the coffee machine. He closed the distance and curled his arms around the other man's waist, hugging him from behind.

“Hi there,” the black-haired man murmured and placed a third cup under the machine, making coffee for all three of them. He wasn't as tense as he had been when they entered the apartment. Kyungwon’s back was slowly relaxing and he leaned against Hoseok’s chest, sighing.

He hummed before placing soft kisses against the other man's nape and shoulder. Kyungwon’s skin was still cold and he hoped that his touch would warm it up a little.

“It feels so nice hugging you,” he whispered.

“I can only agree,” the man in his arms replied and placed the third filled cup on the countertop before turning around and kissing Hoseok. Not for long, just a brief touch of his lips. “And now I want to talk.”

“Sure,” Hoseok answered and put distance between their bodies before taking one cup and pouring milk into his coffee. It was lukewarm, but it was okay, so he sat down on one of the chairs across from Kyungwon.

Hyungwon was a little more hesitant as he walked over to the countertop and squeezed Kyungwon’s hand before pulling himself up on top of it, coffee in hand.

“Did- did something bad happen?” he asked carefully and chewed on his lip, fingers tight around his cup. “Both of you look like- like you cried.”

“No, I don't think that he cried. But there are things we need to talk about.” He took a sip and closed his eyes briefly, scent of coffee clouding his senses a little. He was thankful for that.

“He did,” Hyungwon said a little matter of factly and reached out to squeeze Kyungwon’s hand again. The man in question just occupied himself with his hot cup of coffee, sipping it repeatedly while staring at Hoseok.

“Whether I cried or not is not the point, but rather that I don't want to be the boy for visiting and calling over when you feel like it. I'd like some autonomy without feeling like I'm not welcome,” Kyungwon elaborated and glanced towards Hyungwon, probably because Hoseok knew about his wishes already.

“But- but why wouldn't you be welcome?” his sweet boyfriend murmured and pulled his gigantic t-shirt a little further over his knees. “I like to have you here.”

Kyungwon just sighed.

“Because he feels like an extra, a visitor, someone who doesn't belong but is only allowed to invade once in a while. Am I right?” It felt painful to say those words because they provoked an emotional response somewhere deep inside his own messed up mind.

“But how can we change that?” Hyungwon whispered and he seemed really concerned, holding onto Kyungwon’s hand and not letting go anymore. “But to me you always belong, Won, always. What makes you feel like a visitor?”

“The fact that you guys actually invite me. You know, it would be weird if you'd sit around and watch a movie and then I'd suddenly pop by, out of nowhere. You'd feel awkward because you were all happy as the two of you and then there is suddenly me that you have to put somewhere. I can't just decide that I can't take it and need to see Hoseok, I need to tell you guys first, like some kind of service I'm booking. It's not natural yet and that drives me mad, I'm not part of the equation.” The words seemed to get harder to pronounce the longer Kyungwon talked, anger visibly adding to the mixture, just like frustration as he massaged his temples and stared at Hoseok in expectation.

_If you don't say anything it sounds as if he's the only one who wants to be close all the time. You're acting as if you're not part of it._

“I want him to be part of it too. It hurts leaving you and going to him and the other way around, I always feel sad about it and I can't help thinking that it shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be making you miserable, or him. Because in the end I'm going back to you and he's alone. I don't want him to feel like that,” he said while watching Hyungwon's face intently.

The black-haired man exhaled slowly and nodded, expression not quite readable.

“But for none of us to feel a-abandoned, wouldn't we have to be together all the time? To have the same place we call home and always return to?” he asked hesitantly and glanced back and forth between Kyungwon and Hoseok.

_Or you just have to move out and they can move in together. Then the problem would be solved because they'd have a home and you're supposed to be alone anyway._

“My problem is that I'm not really in the picture yet, you know, Hyungwon. It's like- you are at home and Hoseok is there and my presence is more hypothetical, you know it's there, but you're not really confronted with it, unless it's moments like these.” Kyungwon gestured between them. “Otherwise it's like I'm the lover that Hoseok visits when he happens to remember. I don't think the problem is the physical, the problem is that mentally neither of you have really put me into this relationship yet. You're happy on your own and Hoseok has feelings that say ‘hi’ once in a while and apart from that it's like I'm not really there.” It was fascinating how Kyungwon reached out to curl his arm around Hyungwon's waist and pulled him a little closer towards himself on the counter, as if he knew that his words might have been difficult for his brother.

“You say that you want me to come and be happy and be close, but in the end, you tell me to come with the expectation that I'll leave again, an intermediate interruption.”

Hyungwon's eyes were wide, like he felt a little overwhelmed by Kyungwon’s elaborations, fingers white around his coffee cup.

“But- but how can I change that?”

He had been staring at both brothers, but their words had been enough to make him voice his thoughts unfiltered.

“I think you should move in together. And I move out. Then the problem is solved.” He took a sip of his coffee and licked over his lips.

Kyungwon’s eyes narrowed and the other man looked up at him almost instantly, lips pursed.

“That's bullshit, Hoseok, utter bullshit. We want you close and you decide to just pull yourself out of the equation. What the fuck is that supposed to give us? That you can then visit both of us simultaneously? Great, but the point is that we want you.” Sighing in frustration, Kyungwon pushed himself off the counter and grabbed Hoseok’s arm, pulling him towards them. “Come here and stop giving me the feeling that you're watching us discuss. You’re part of this and I won't let you move out.”

It took only a few seconds until his offer finally hit Hyungwon who tensed impossibly and stared at him in terror, eyes wide.

“You- you want to m-move o-out?” he barely pressed past his lips, hands shivering uncontrollably.

“Mhm, you wouldn't feel alone because you have Kyungwon, and he has you and he would also stop feeling like a visitor. I'm okay being a visitor, I have experience with not belonging, I'll be fine.” He just said what he thought, it was easy and didn't use up any resources to pretend.

He should have expected it but somehow, he hadn't thought that far. Hyungwon's teeth settled painfully on his lower lip as tears began to run down his face, one after another like a waterfall, like something that had been holding them had finally broken.

“Don't leave, Hoseok, please don't leave,” the black-haired man whispered and grabbed Hoseok’s t-shirt, like he was genuinely terrified he would turn around and leave right this instant.

Kyungwon appeared shaken as he curled his arms around the crying man and tried to soothe him, whispering something in his ear but Hyungwon wasn't receptive at all, merely pulling at Hoseok’s shirt desperately.

_Now you made them both miserable._

“I don't want to leave, why would I want to leave you? I'd fucking die, Hyungwon, I can't function without you,” he whispered and leaned his forehead against the other man's chest. “But I don't want either of you to be miserable either, I have the feeling that instead of making you happy, like I'm supposed to, I'm making you sad and devastated, I don't want this, my happiness isn't important to me at all, I just want you both to be okay, fuck.”

“But to me it is,” Hyungwon sobbed and pulled him close at the same time as his brother muttered the exact same words, curling his smooth, lean arms around both of them and sinking his long fingers into Hoseok’s hair, stroking over it while he did the same with Hyungwon's waist, keeping his brother close.

“Hoseok, your perception is crooked. You feel like you are not allowed to make mistakes, you are, it's human, but what you shouldn't do is run away from them. Right now, you are trying to solve everything by running away, but why would you? We have three people, can't we just all work on this instead of-" Kyungwon stopped talking and chewed on his cheek. “Instead of breaking apart like this. We can do this, I'm fucking positive, don't let me be the only one.”

_You're loading your responsibilities onto other people's shoulders. Like she always said, she was right._

“I'm going to do whatever you want, I promised to make you both happy but created this mess instead, I'm sorry.” He breathed into the fabric of Hyungwon's shirt that smelled like home. His home.

He could feel how cool palms cupped his cheeks lifting his face up, turning it and forcing him to look at Kyungwon’s serious face, eyes big and concentrated.

“Snap out of it, Hoseok.” The other man spoke loud and clear, worry mixing into the effort that the black-haired man poured into his next words. “Listen to me, and please listen well. This isn't about Hyungwon and this isn't about me, do you hear me? This is about Hyungwon, me and you. You’re not supposed to make us happy, we're all supposed to make each other happy and minimize hurting each other. Isn't that how a relationship is supposed to work? It's not just that we get hurt, you get hurt too, a lot. You get hurt so much that it makes you cry and wish to give everything up and I don't want it to be like that, Hoseok. I want to work on this and I want you to think about yourself too. You're not selfish, are you?” Kyungwon brushed over his cheek with his thumb, watching him intently as he continued. “You're not selfish at all, you're just terrified of hurting Hyungwon, and then you're terrified of hurting me by not hurting Hyungwon. Being selfless won't save you in this situation, Hoseok and trying to escape it won't either, you will only make all three of us unhappy, especially yourself. So, please tell me honestly, what would make you happy, Hoseok? I told you what it is for me, so tell me about you.”

_If you weren’t continually fucking everything up, that would make you happy._

“If this would work,” he whispered and bit down on his bottom lip, trying to get his breathing under control. He hadn't made Hyungwon cry in ages, it was hard to take.

“It will because we will work on it, Hoseok, we’ve only just started. This is such a mess and I would have been amazed if it had worked instantly. It's hard and we need to work on it. I mean- I have to work on myself too, to finally stop pretending I'm all that and that nothing can hurt me. So, please don't pull yourself out of this. Sleeping in one bed with you two was amazing and I fucking loved it although I didn't say anything because I'm too fucking proud.” The black-haired man glanced away like it was difficult to talk, to admit to his own thoughts and problems. “I wish you would finally stop believing that everything is your fault. It's not, it's a mixture of a lot of factors and we have to get rid of them one by one. The first one is simple, what does each of us want from this? We never talked about it, but we have to.”

“I just don't want to hurt you both. It fucks with my brain, I can't function like this.” It was hard to speak, as if it was not okay to talk about his own perspective, as if it didn't  matter, was irrelevant, obsolete.

_But you have to. He asked you to._

“Talk to us, Hoseok, we really care about you,” Kyungwon whispered and placed a short kiss on Hoseok’s lips, spreading warmth from the short touch. “We want to help, and we want you to be happy too, it's not just about the two of us.”

Hyungwon nodded quickly, tears still staining his face as he reached out and kissed Hoseok’s upper arm, visibly trying to be close.

“I want you both and I love you both, what would I want apart from that?” He was devastated, confessing had not been the point of this discussion and he didn’t know what to do. “Can’t you just come and go whenever you like and do whatever you like? I think that you’ve changed in the past year and I can’t help the feeling that it has been my fault.” Hoseok turned to Kyungwon, staring at the other man in question.

The black-haired man was breathing calmly as he stroked through Hoseok’s hair and placed another kiss to his lips, brushing a blonde strand away from his eyes.

“People change independent of others, Hoseok. And isn't change also a good thing? It seems like you are afraid to tell us what you want, but you don't have to be. Well- sure, I'm the one to talk after just dealing with all of this without saying anything, but now I know better. So, please also tell us what you need,” Kyungwon whispered against his lips and held him impossibly close, just like Hyungwon's arms that curled around his waist. Hoseok felt plump lips brush against the skin of his neck, hesitant and soft.

“I told you what I want.” There was nothing more to say so he just leaned into the touches surrounding him from both, although he couldn't help the feeling that he didn't deserve any of it.

“I want you to be happy,” Hyungwon mumbled into the fabric of his shirt, tears soaking it enough to be perceivable.

Kyungwon sighed at that. The other man let go of Hoseok’s face and curled his arms around both of them instead.

“All of us want the others to be happy, which is amazing but still there are things that make us unhappy. I'm unhappy when I'm alone, Hyungwon is unhappy when he feels worthless or abandoned and Hoseok- what makes you unhappy, Hoseok? Independent of our happiness? You never told us,” Kyungwon commented and warm air hit the top of Hoseok’s head as the other man exhaled.

_Because it's irrelevant._

“To feel useless,” Hyungwon breathed out, answering for him and Hoseok could feel how slim arms tried to hold him tight, not letting go as his shy boyfriend buried his head in the crook of his neck. “You're not useless, Hoseok. You don't n-need to do anything to make me l-like you or want you. I want you independent of all of that. I'm- I'm sure Kyungwon feels the same.”

_Bullshit._

“I do.” Warm fingers stroked over his back. “I'll try to come by when I want to, just please accept me when I do. Let me be part of it. Your relationship is so intense, I'm still trying to keep up.”

_He's just not the same as before._

“But aren't you the one who's afraid? I mean- sure, we're living here and everything, but you came by before I moved in, so why would you hesitate now?” He really wanted to know, it was strange, Kyungwon was strange. He freed himself from the embrace of both men and focused on Kyungwon’s ridiculously handsome face.

“You have never given a shit before, you didn't care about fucking anything and now you're just hurt all the time, hesitant and hurt, and don't tell me that it's not my fault, I know for certain that it is.”

The black-haired man in question broke the eye-contact and stared at the way his hands hung in the air, removed from the contact that they had been enjoying. A few seconds passed in which Kyungwon chewed on his cheek, contemplating his answer, before he replied.

“The difference is that before there was just me and responsibilities. Responsibilities fucked me over and I had to keep my cool, so that’s what I did all the fucking time. If I get hurt, then I can’t take care of all the shit I need to do, you know? But now that’s changed, now there is a little less pressure and more support, so it just feels like-” Kyungwon swallowed and brushed his hair away from his eyes. It seemed rather like the other man used the moment to cover his face and collect his emotions and thoughts, keeping his arm over his eyes for a little longer than appropriate. “I feel like I can let go a little, like it’s fine to give in and like someone, to want to be part of a relationship. It’s just that at the same time it is harder than I thought. Both of you know how this works, you had enough time to figure it out, to learn to work together, so it feels like I am the one knowing nothing and barging in on the feelings. Before there were no feelings, not really at least, I knew how to behave around you two, so it didn’t matter. But now there are feelings, my feelings to be precise, that don’t fit into the equation anymore. I am also not as needed anymore because there is you. So- so basically before there was the necessity to come over and Hyungwon needed me, but now there is you, so the only valid reason I have to come are my feelings and my wish to see my lovely brother. Is that enough to just barge into a relationship? I don’t know.”

A loud sigh left the black-haired man’s lips as he glanced at Hyungwon briefly, who was busy playing with the skin of his fingers, pulling at it a little as he watched Kyungwon hesitantly.

“I don’t give a shit about a lot of things, most of them to be exact, but Hyungwon happens to be a person that I give a lot of shits about. One might even say that I give the most shits when it is about Hyungwon, so I don’t know if I can just barge in on something as intense and established as you two have. The fucking end of my Ted Talk.” Coughing, Kyungwon grabbed his, probably already cold, cup of coffee and took a long sip, hiding his face for a few seconds.

_He still thinks that he can't be part of it._

“Do you want me to act the same? Because I have the feeling that you just want me to make a copy of my feelings towards Hyungwon and act like this with you. But I won't do that, Kyungwon. Our relationship is different, and I love that it's different. I don't want it to be the same. I don't want to act the same with you because it's not the same for me,” Hoseok murmured and turned towards the door. He really wanted to leave but he didn't have anywhere to go so he just stared into the hallway, trying to get his shit together.

“I know you have a point, I fucking do,” Kyungwon murmured and sighed again before he let himself fall on a chair. “I guess it just seems so bland in comparison, not because the feelings are weaker or whatever, for that I like you too much.” He chuckled. “I think it's more about how you guys fit together. Hyungwon needs reassurance and you're so fucking good at that whereas you need someone who doesn't expect anything and accepts you like that, not pressuring you emotionally and I just feel- a little bit at least, like I tend to do that, like I'm demanding.”

_You need him like this._

“You are demanding, you are fucking demanding, Kyungwon, you make me go nuts, but-" He breathed in, choosing his next words carefully. “I need you to do that, so I can finally work on that side of me that tells me that I'm only good for fulfilling other people's demands.” Looking at the ground he clenched his fists and felt how his fingernails dug into his palms.

He could feel eyes on him, probably Hyungwon's too. The chair that Kyungwon had been sitting on screeched as the tall man pushed it back and stood up, walking towards Hoseok until it was possible to see his feet next to his, right across.

Soft fingers curled around his jaw and lifted it up.

“I prefer it when you look at me,” Kyungwon murmured and smiled briefly, both corners of his mouth rising up and spreading his plump lips. “Back when we talked properly for the first time, that day in your kitchen, on the countertop, I told you that you don't need to be Cinderella. You don't need to let other people ride your efforts and strengths. You're wonderful, independent of whether you had left clothes somewhere or said something hurtful once. I told you, people make mistakes and I don't like you any less afterwards, otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore. I love you and your cowardly ass, Hoseok, and I'll gladly stay next to you to kick it. If you'll let me.” Suddenly Kyungwon grinned and pinched Hoseok’s side, shaking his head a little at himself. “Fuck the ‘if you let me’, I'll just do it.”

_Does kicking ass help get over years of negative experiences? Probably not._

“Let's see. And now tell Hyungwon what you want, because I know it.” Hoseok reached behind Kyungwon and pinched his ass in revenge.

“Well-" The other man frowned at him before turning towards Hyungwon. “You heard it, basically. I want to be able to lie in bed, suddenly think that I want to see you guys and just come here, even if it means that I'll interrupt Hoseok going down on you or both of you having a cuddling session in front of the TV. At least that's the point if I put it bluntly. I want to just be able to come by after work, throw my tie to an unidentifiable place and have Hoseok suck me off to feel better. To put it even more bluntly.”

Hyungwon was staring at him with wide eyes, hands still clutching his shirt and making him seem so much younger. There was just something about gigantic shirts and the way they covered his thighs. In addition, he must have felt a little uncomfortable about being barely dressed compared to the two of them. Blush began appearing on the pretty cheeks and spreading along the neck and between his collarbones.

“Y- you mean you want to be able to be close to him here and not only at your place? W-without me?”

Kyungwon raised an eyebrow. “Why, want to be included?”

“I- I don't know, I just- I can't really imagine it yet, but I've seen you be close and i-it was okay. We- we can try if you like. Please come whenever you like.” Hyungwon was blushing so hard that it was difficult to differentiate his face from the red handle of a knife that lay next to the fridge. “If Hoseok is happy and so are you, then I'll gladly see it. I love your happy faces, it makes me feel a lot better. I'm- I'm also happy that I see you more than once a week.”

“Good then. Let's see the amount of balls you can muster to pull through,” Hoseok murmured and walked over to Hyungwon, getting a tumbler out of the cupboard and reaching for the gin bottle inside the fridge, filling his glass.

“Pour me some too,” Kyungwon remarked behind him and Hoseok could hear the other man placing his coffee cup into the sink, washing it quickly. He was pretty thorough about that. “Coward.”

“Alcoholics,” Hyungwon whispered behind them, but it was barely audible and Kyungwon must have missed it. There was no way that the other man wouldn't have commented on that.

“Mhm, maybe you'll start talking about your real feelings when you're drunk, I'm looking forward to that,” he commented and filled Kyungwon’s glass, handing it to the angry looking man. “I'm not an alcoholic, Hyungwon. You just don't drink because it's a mess.”

Kyungwon turned around at that and pointed at Hyungwon with his index finger.

“Don't pretend like you never drank before, Won, you were just the ‘home alone’ type of drinker and that's much more worrisome than Hoseok and me getting buzzed at a party,” he remarked and ruffled Hyungwon's hair, making the other man only look sweeter. “And you-" Kyungwon turned towards him with a glare. “Cheers. Don't want you to elaborate on my drunk calling habits, thank you very much. I just hate to seem weak, it doesn't fit with my self-image.”

“You're still better than me who drinks to forget that everything sucks.” Hoseok grinned and leaned against the kitchen counter next to Hyungwon, placing a palm on top of the other man's uncovered thigh. It seemed to calm him down as he released a shaky breath and climbed up again, curling his legs around Hoseok’s middle and his arms around his neck.

“You're adorable like a Koala,” Kyungwon commented and squeezed Hyungwon's knee before telling Hoseok that drinking his problems away was something for people without responsibilities. “I would if there wasn’t the need to actually go to work and be productive. In addition, I don't forget anything. I just get angry at everyone being mean to me, like a toddler.” The black-haired man laughed loudly, and it was gorgeous, mouth uncovered and wide, showing his pretty, white teeth.

“You're beautiful,” Hoseok murmured, completely out of place but he couldn't help staring at Kyungwon’s absurdly gorgeous face.

Kyungwon’s smile only got wider as he brushed through his hair and blew Hoseok an exaggerated kiss, leaning against the counter so that his white shirt emphasized his waist and his suit pants tightened around his hips. “Well, thank you, you're not too bad yourself, especially naked.”

Hoseok didn't know how a pressuring, heavy relationship talk turned into him wanting to jump Kyungwon, but that's just how their dynamics worked.

“Tease.” He took a sip of his gin and lifted his shirt a little to ‘scratch’ over his abs, pretending that it itched.

Kyungwon lifted an eyebrow in response to that and took another sip from his tumbler, tasting the liquid for a little longer before swallowing, Adam's apple bobbing at the action.

“You're also a tease, especially to the gorgeous boy that is basically attached to you. You're making him blush.” Hoseok could hear how Hyungwon groaned at the words and buried his head in his neck.

“Shut up, Kyungwon, stop embarrassing me,” he murmured and tickled the skin of Hoseok’s neck.

“Just being truthful, darling.” Kyungwon shifted his hips and sat up on the counter as well, spreading his legs as much as he could without ripping his pants. “I'm feeling relieved today, so I'll stay, try out this whole ‘being part of it’ thing.”

_That's amazing, Hoseok._

It was amazing. Until he remembered what had happened the last time Kyungwon had stayed over.

“Oh god,” he groaned and threw his head back, preparing himself mentally and cursing out his lacking inhibition that vanished just like the Gin he had drunk.

_Why does it immediately slide into sexual behavior?_

“Are you okay, Hoseok?” Hyungwon whispered in his ear, blissfully unsuspecting while his brother was playing out his own office porn show on their kitchen counter. “Your heartbeat is like a drum.”

_You're obvious as fuck. Change the topic._

“So, what do you plan on doing regarding me not being willing to satisfy your versatile needs?” he asked and tilted his head, watching how the office porn came to a sudden end.

“Didn't you say that you'd let me finger your ass?” Kyungwon asked, confusion evident and crossed his legs. “Or are you offering me something in addition to that?”

“Oh god,” Hyungwon murmured into Hoseok’s shoulder. “Being inside Hoseok has not even once crossed my mind, like never ever.”

“He has a gorgeous ass,” the tease on his counter pointed out and grinned again, lips spread wide.

“At this point I won't let you touch my ass, like ever,” Hoseok hissed at Kyungwon and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Don't act as if you don't miss fucking.”

“What? Why won't you let me finger your ass?” Kyungwon seemed disappointed and pouted his lips. It looked cute, but the other man would have probably slapped him for saying that. “Sure, I miss it. It's warm, tight and feels good, but what do you expect me to do about it, ravish you in your sleep?”

“Get it somewhere else?” he asked, brushing his bangs back. It was too hot after the freezing cold outside. “And I told you I'd let you plug me because I don't like friction.”

“Yeah, and I said that I can keep my fingers perfectly still while sucking your dick.” Kyungwon slipped a little further down and watched him carefully, eyes narrowed. “Also, I'm pretty sure the point of this was faithfulness, wasn't it? Until now I'm pretty happy with those rare moments that you submit, and I deal with the ones when I do it, it's fucking hot.”

“I don't know, seems like a struggle to me. Also, who am I to tell you not to sleep with anybody else?” Hoseok downed his gin and put the glass into the sink.

_If you can't satisfy it, he should be able to satisfy it somewhere else._

“Ehm, my boyfriend?” Kyungwon seemed caught off guard by the comment and visibly dissatisfied with how he clenched his fists a little. “You sound like you are about to give me another ‘I'm not enough and have no rights’ talk, Hoseok. Nope, we're not going there.”

“But I don't own you, I just thought about it and wanted to mention it in case you're struggling. If you don't, fine-" he muttered and sounded like a three-year-old throwing a fit. Turning to Hyungwon, he watched his boyfriend's face intently. “You- does your brother need to fuck, yes or no?”

Hyungwon's eyes widened as Kyungwon yelled ‘what the fuck?’ from the side. It was obvious how the shy man's eyes instantly travelled to his brother's, probably making eye contact.

“Well, he- he topped more than he bottomed. Always.” Hyungwon must have decided that it was the safer answer as he exhaled slowly.

“You know what-" Kyungwon suddenly jumped down from the counter and walked over to them. Curling an arm around Hyungwon's waist, he pulled him to the right, thereby closer to himself while accidentally letting his t-shirt ride up. Hyungwon yelped in surprise and Kyungwon merely looked at Hoseok.

“If I need somebody to submit, I'll just do this,” he said with a grin and grabbed Hyungwon's chin, pulling it down so that they were perfectly on eye level and pressed their lips together, plump lips melting against an equal pair of plump ones. Kyungwon’s other hand remained around his brother's waist while he held his chin in place, tilting it as the kiss deepened.

_Holy fuck._

The ‘Mental Brother’ curse from before had gained a whole new meaning.

“Yeah, sure, using someone who can't fight, wow, I'm disappointed,” he murmured and turned around to be able to get the images out of his head.

“There is a difference between not being able to fight and not wanting to fight, Hoseok, and you know perfectly well that Hyungwon is the latter,” Kyungwon replied and grabbed his arm roughly before pulling him back and curling his arms around his neck. Only a second passed until he could feel lips on his, touch rough and urgent, like the other man was impatient.

“Please don't figh-" Hyungwon's voice sounded behind them but stopped as soon as Kyungwon had closed the distance between them.

His body acted on his own as he curled his arms around Kyungwon’s slim body roughly, pulling him flush against his chest and turning them, letting the other man's back hit the kitchen wall full force. He could feel how the black-haired man exhaled into his mouth with how the impact pushed the air out of his lungs, big eyes widening only further at the action.

Kyungwon needed only a second to catch himself as he sank his fingers into Hoseok’s hair and pulled roughly, tilting his head upwards to enable them to kiss comfortably while his other hand scratched along Hoseok’s back, but not too painfully.

“Fuck,” the other man cursed and sucked Hoseok’s lower lip into his mouth, eye contact intense. “Don't break my ribs, asshole, you'll regret it.”

“Yeah? Your imagination is no joke, straight D for delusional,” Hoseok groaned into his mouth, using his muscle mass to pin Kyungwon down, but letting the other man sink his nails into his back. “Sure, mark me as much as you want.”

“I don't need my nails to make sure to leave a mark, Hoseok,” Kyungwon purred into his face and increased the pull on his head, forcing him to throw it back. Lips instantly closed around the sensitive skin of his neck.

“You’re pretty confident, I like that,” he hissed at the sensation and pulled the other man’s shirt out of his ridiculously tight suit pants, hands immediately slipping under it. Hoseok’s fingers danced along his smooth, hot skin, brushing over a small nipple and stroking over his toned stomach.

The gorgeous man smiled at the feeling, biting his lip while glancing at Hoseok through half-lidded eyes. He was fucking hot. Kyungwon’s long fingers travelled over his back to the front of his jeans, dipping inside and curling around the shaft of his erection, thumb pressing down on his tip.

“My confidence is never groundless,” he hissed and licked a stripe from Hoseok’s collarbone upwards to his earlobe, sucking it into his mouth.

_Fuck._

“It takes a fucking second for you to drive me crazy, shit.” It was extremely hard to stay composed in this situation, so he rolled his hips into Kyungwon, exhaling against his neck before sinking his teeth into the smooth skin.

“As long as it doesn't take a second for you to finish,” the black-haired man exhaled against his neck and squeezed his dick again, stroking over the head repeatedly with skillful fingers. Kyungwon chuckled and looked up, meeting his eyes. “And now be a good boy and wait while I take a shower, tiger.”

_Why does it seem as if he's making fun of you?_

“You’ll do whatever the fuck you like anyway.” Catching the other man’s plump lips, he licked into his hot mouth before leaning back and giving Kyungwon space to move. He wanted to fuck him, but he also wanted to punch him, it was complicated. Blowing him a kiss, the black-haired man unbuttoned his shirt and let it drop down his shoulders, landing on the kitchen floor. Just as he opened the first button of his suit pants he disappeared in the hallway, leaving him alone. With Hyungwon.

_Hyungwon. He’s here too, you went nuts and forgot that there’s another person._

He turned around and spotted the black-haired man on the kitchen counter, still sitting exactly where he had left him. Hyungwon's hands were pushing his t-shirt down with his palms, located between his legs and he was chewing his lips, turning them red and swollen. His legs were mostly naked, especially with the way the t-shirt reached halfway down his thighs with the way he was sitting. He looked gorgeous.

Hoseok squished his face between both palms and stared at Hyungwon.

“How the fuck am I supposed to survive this when you’re both so fucking gorgeous? I’m dying, fuck.” Closing the distance, he curled his arms around the other man’s waist, it was slim and firm. The dancing gave Hyungwon’s muscles definition and made his body seem leaner in comparison to before.

“You s-seemed pretty distracted before,” Hyungwon whispered and shifted a little, keeping his palms on the fabric of his shirt, close to his groin. The reason became obvious after another glance at the other man's gorgeous blush and big eyes, jumping back and forth between Hoseok’s eyes and lips. “Kyungwon is very experienced, he- he really knows what he's doing. It probably f-feels really good, right?”

“Mhm, just like you feel so fucking good. You know that you’re very different, Kyungwon would never blush so prettily and sit there trying to hide that he’s aroused. Fuck, you make me want to jump you so badly.” He sucked in a breath while throwing his head back and asking himself why his libido went places all the time.

“D-do I though? I mean-" Hyungwon swallowed and pulled his legs together, looking at him with his gorgeous brown eyes. “You say that you want to jump me, but- but you don't do it.”

_He’s funny._

Hoseok grinned and lifted Hyungwon’s slim body from the counter, knowing that he’d earn a pretty sound and clashed their lips together. The black-haired man tasted like coffee and smelled like his detergent, like home, something he had known and someone he didn’t have to fight. The dynamic was clear, it was calming somehow.

_Unlike with Kyungwon._

Hyungwon whimpered into the kiss and curled his slim arms around Hoseok’s neck, holding on carefully while parting his lips slowly, allowing him to explore the gorgeous and warm mouth. The black-haired man's legs rested around his hips and held on, t-shirt moving upwards along his hips, revealing more of his thighs and letting Hoseok touch more naked skin.

“Oh my god-" Hyungwon muttered and returned the kiss as much as he could, easily affected by the way Hoseok carried him around and held him close, touching his body. “I feel so- so naked next to you, Hoseok, like- like you could just- just take me.”

“Fuck, I want to just take you,” he groaned and moved towards the bedroom, carrying Hyungwon along before letting the other man’s back hit the freshly washed sheets and crawling on top of him. “You’re so gorgeous, shit, there’s just this side of my personality and you own it. All of it.”

“This- this side of your personality?” Hyungwon asked carefully and crawled a little further up, head resting on the pillows. Chewing on his lips, the beautiful man grabbed the seam of his t-shirt and moved it upwards slowly, uncovering more golden skin, all the way until his upper arms, pulling it partially over his head. His boyfriend must have felt embarrassed with how he looked to the side and pulled his legs together again. Still, the t-shirt remained at his elbows, restraining the motions of his arms which he kept above his head. “Would- would you touch me, Hoseok?”

“My fingers, my mouth, or both?” he asked, pulling the lube out of the drawer in advance.

“F-fingers, then you could be inside of me later,” Hyungwon whispered and bit his lip again, watching him intently.

_Fuck yes._

Throwing the lube next to Hyungwon’s body, he let his fingers slide along the other man’s ribs, stroking his sides while his lips sucked on the skin covering his stomach. He licked over both nipples in succession, nibbling on them briefly before focusing his attention on Hyungwon’s beautiful face and his otherworldly reactions to everything that he had been doing. His boyfriend was always so sensitive, trying to remain quiet but moaning anyway, hands too caught up in his t-shirt to cover his mouth this time. The sounds that left the red, full lips were beyond arousing.

“You’re so fucking pretty like this, I really want to hear you moan properly,” Hoseok hissed and took off his own shirt but left his pants on for now.

Hyungwon nodded slowly and bit his lip again. His boyfriend kept his arms above his head and spread his legs slowly, breaths shaky and blush travelling further down to his chest. “I- I want to make you feel good.”

_Holy fucking shit._

It had been amazing how little it mattered that they’ve done similar things for one and a half years already. The tension, the arousal and the pleasure were still the same. It was intense.

Coating his fingers, Hoseok reached in between the other man’s legs and circled his fingers around his entrance before slipping two digits inside him, curling them upwards and earning himself a low groan. Hyungwon tensed as always, needing a little bit of time until he finally let his body go, giving Hoseok more freedom to move his fingers. It reminded him of how it felt to be inside the gorgeous man.

“I see the two of you started the party without me,” he heard a low voice behind them, so much like Hyungwon's but at the same time so fucking different, undertone clear.

_No, you won’t stop in the middle._

Hoseok just hummed and brushed over the sensitive spot he could’ve found in a matter of seconds under any circumstances and leaned in, kissing Hyungwon’s pretty lips while his fingers moved inside him. The black-haired man on the bed in front of him had been shocked by the sudden interruption and the loud, unrestrained moan that left him was only a proof of that, eyes opening wide before they fluttered shut with pleasure.

The bed dipped a little as Kyungwon must have come closer, crawling up until he lay down on his side next to his brother and watched Hoseok intently, almost black eyes switching back and forth between Hyungwon and him. He seemed attentive and fascinated by the way his brother reacted, smiling a little.

Licking over his index finger, Kyungwon reached out and rubbed it over Hyungwon's nipple adding up to the sensation while he continuously switched his gaze back and forth, looking at Hoseok intently.

Adding a third finger, he sunk his teeth into the crook of Hyungwon’s neck, letting the man under him shiver and moan at the same time, it was so fucking hot, but he also thanked his brain for not undressing completely at this point.

_You would’ve been inside him already._

Hyungwon was a whimpering mess, moaning repeatedly while shifting his legs and closing them unintentionally just to spread them again. Kyungwon kept letting his fingers travel over Hyungwon's upper body and chest, action surprisingly tender compared to how the black-haired man usually acted, scratching and leaving red lines.

‘Do what you like’ Kyungwon mouthed at him and stroked over Hyungwon's face, letting his brother bite down on his index and middle finger as Hyungwon tried to suppress a moan and shivered at the pleasure that Hoseok was producing in him.

Removing his fingers from his brother's plump lips, Kyungwon smirked at him and crawled closer. The teasing man opened Hoseok’s jeans with a few practiced movements of his hand and curled his coated fingers around Hoseok’s aching erection, giving it a few slow strokes. Still holding on, Kyungwon moved behind him and nibbled on the naked skin of his back, placing kisses and bites on his shoulder blades in alteration.

“But you better be able to fuck me senseless afterwards,” the low voice whispered into his ear, intermingling with Hyungwon's moans of equal timbre.

It was a mess. The gin in his blood, the crazy arousal, Hyungwon in front of him, the same low voice behind him and plump lips attached to his back, he had no fucking idea what he was doing but he also didn’t want to.

_It’s easier like this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

Water was running down his back as he contemplated the past hours, the words that were spoken and the problems addressed. There were so many things that happened in the background, inside one of their heads without passing through lips. It was a mess with all three of them not opening up to the fullest, not yet.

It wasn't just Hoseok believing that everything was his fault and he was making them miserable, acting on it without solving it first. It was also Hyungwon, remaining quiet throughout the whole conversation apart from the sound of his tears that had dropped on the kitchen floor or Hoseok’s shirt. Kyungwon knew his brother, he knew him well enough to be able to tell what must have been going on inside his head. Hyungwon easily accepted himself at fault, probably thinking that he hadn't been able to show Hoseok that he didn't have to fulfil his demands. In addition to the fact that Kyungwon had straight out asked him to deal with Hoseok and him fucking in front of his eyes.

The two of them fit together really well, easily giving themselves the fault and arguing over who of them was worse while reassuring the other they were wonderful. Maybe Kyungwon wasn't self-confident enough for this and that's why Hyungwon had struggled to believe his words of reassurance.

Both of them were thinking of themselves as unworthy but they needed to open up for this to work.

_Just like you, Kyungwon._

He also had to open up, to stop pretending to be all that while hiding himself behind a grin and an insult. But it was hard, so fucking hard. It felt like somebody could just grab it and hurt him, to make him do something he would have never done without emotional pressure. It was stupid because he knew that Hyungwon would never do that, he loved him too much and Hoseok was always blaming himself, he never hurt on purpose. It was a mess and it felt like Kyungwon had to hold onto the strings and keep them together in his palm, while elements moved and rearranged without him realizing.

Sighing, Kyungwon focused on the sound of the warm drops on the tiles. He had intended to shower and have Hoseok fuck him senseless but here he was, contemplating his three-way relationship instead and blaming his boyfriend and his brother for not opening up while pretending to be a fucking icicle.

He had made his request, his demand to be able to come over whenever he wanted and be close to Hoseok whenever he wanted. Now it was up to him to go with it, to act accordingly and actually follow through instead of pussying out, staying at home and hating everything.

_Just remember what you want and that you need to act to get it._

Brushing through his freshly shampooed hair for the last time, he climbed out of the shower and grabbed the extra fluffy towel that Hyungwon kept in one of the lower shelves for him whenever he visited.

_You're really spoiled._

He chuckled and dried his hair, removing most of the drops from his body while leaving a few in places that looked particularly attractive such as the shoulders and the chest. Hoseok was fucking gorgeous and he wanted to impress, to look desirable.

Once he left the mostly sound-isolated bathroom he was met with quiet gasps and moans, sounding very much like his brother. He knew them well enough to recognize them anywhere. Hyungwon was moaning while trying not to, failing repeatedly and gasping to get enough air. Hoseok must have been pleasing him.

The knowledge pulled at his chest a little, unpleasantly, like a bad premonition, like dread at knowing that something was off, but you didn't quite know what it was.

But Kyungwon knew what was happening, the question was rather why he felt this way.

_Because it feels like you're replaceable._

Hoseok could easily be close to Hyungwon, touch him whenever he wasn't there, not feel the loss because he had an equally pretty face and the deep emotional relationship the two of them shared. Sure, Hoseok had just told him that he needed the difference, he needed Kyungwon’s harsh attitude to improve and to work on himself, but it still felt like a small needle pricking right where it hurt.

He got closer to the bedroom just as the sounds increased. They hadn't bothered to close the door, probably used to being on their own. In addition, Kyungwon doubted that they really minded being seen, at least Hoseok didn’t. Hyungwon trusted him so he didn't feel too uncomfortable, just embarrassed. The fact that he loved his brother so much made it so difficult to be upset with him for taking Hoseok’s attention like that, so much that the blonde man didn't even realize that he was leaning against the door frame, watching him insert two fingers into Hyungwon's tight body.

His brother was always so tense, only relaxing for short instances in which he made it possible for Hoseok to push his digits a little deeper, evoking a loud moan. The blonde must have restrained him with the way his oversized t-shirt was wrapped around his arms, keeping them in place.

_Or he stopped in the middle of taking it off himself because he likes it._

Hyungwon could be a mystery, blushing but still wanting something enough to pull through himself. He was gorgeous, but what caught Kyungwon’s attention even more was his gorgeous, muscular boyfriend between his brother's legs. Hoseok wasn't wearing a shirt, showing his sculpted back in all of its glory and with all its dips and lines. The thin white lines that he had left a year ago were also there, barely visible with how pale Hoseok was.

His body responded, and he decided to let his presence be known.

“I see you started the party without me,” he commented but Hoseok only glanced towards him shortly and hummed, continuing the pumps of his fingers as Hyungwon's eyes widened. His brother didn't have the possibility of panicking though with how fast Hoseok resumed, pulling the first unrestrained moan from his lips. It sounded pretty but Kyungwon hated the feeling of being excluded. There was none of the need that Hoseok had showed before, throwing him against the wall and wishing for nothing else but to fuck him senseless.

_If Hyungwon wasn’t there he would have jumped you as soon as you left the shower._

Chewing on his cheek, he climbed on top of the bed, resting next to Hyungwon and examining how similar their bodies were. Sure, there were scars over the black-haired man's legs and arms, partially his hips and stomach, but Kyungwon had never minded them much, they were just part of him and that was fine. However, his brother had gotten leaner from the hours of dancing, not muscular as he was still very thin, but there was more definition. It looked nice even though Kyungwon was still the more muscular one from the regular workouts. He licked over his index finger and used it to massage over Hyungwon's nipple, listening to the moans while watching how Hoseok reacted to it. His brother had something innocent to him, and the submission appeared to be something that the blonde man loved without question, face showing everything he thought.

Kyungwon kept the eye contact until Hoseok leaned forward and began to bite into Hyungwon's neck, almost right next to him. It felt crazy to watch from up close, to be right there when it happened. He swallowed and let his fingers stroke along Hyungwon's neck and jaw until he slipped them between his brother's lips. The black-haired man moaned around them before biting down lightly and licking around them, like he was familiar with it. Shit, they were so different.

He removed his fingers from Hyungwon's plump lips and felt how his brother attempted to hold on a little, biting a little harder until he let go. It was kinda hot, but he had other plans. Grinning at Hoseok, he crawled towards him and opened his jeans quickly before slipping his coated hand into the blonde man's briefs and curling it around his erection. Kyungwon fucking loved how it felt in his hand, thick, warm and smooth. Hoseok’s tip was always a little darker than the rest. He dug his thumb into the slit, massaging a little while he moved behind the blonde man, leaving kisses and bites on his broad back.

“But you better be able to fuck me senseless afterwards,” he whispered into the cute, protruding ear and gave Hoseok a slow, but well-pressured stroke.

As soon as he found the small scars on the pale skin he traced them with his tongue, each thin line on its own. It felt intimate somehow, despite the general situation. It was a memory that only the two of them really shared.

Hoseok hissed but leaned forward to his brother.

“How do you want me, babe?” he heard the blonde man asking after his fingers left Hyungwon's body.

Kyungwon couldn't help but feel ignored and bit into Hoseok’s shoulder while his hand tightened around the blonde man's tip.

His brother was merely breathing heavily, eyes closed and thighs shivering a little from the pleasure that had been raining down on him. He was cute.

“I- I want you inside of me,” Hyungwon whispered carefully and Kyungwon could feel the black-haired man's eyes on his, so he glanced up, giving his brother a reassuring smile because he needed it.

The blonde reached for the drawer and pulled out a condom, ripping the package with his teeth and looking down on himself, waiting for Kyungwon to free his erection.

_They always use condoms?_

Hoseok had said it when they had had sex without a condom. Kyungwon remembered how the blonde had mentioned that he had never slept with anybody without a condom before him, not even with Hyungwon. Chewing on his cheek in thought, he let go of Hoseok’s dick and used his hands to help his boyfriend to pull his jeans and underwear down all the way, throwing both to the side. It was difficult to keep his hands off the pale skin and muscular body. In addition, he had no reason to, he was supposed to be part of this.

Hoseok lubed up and took Hyungwon’s thighs, spreading them and lining up while occasionally hissing at Kyungwon’s touches. The blonde leaned in and kissed Hyungwon, slowly and sensually before pushing himself in.

It felt rather unusual to watch, but not because it was someone else having sex and he was present. Kyungwon had had enough threesomes in his life to know the feeling of waiting while someone else was being pleased (just that his role had been a different one in those encounters). It was rather that he never slept with people in established relationships for obvious reasons. The exception with Hoseok and Hyungwon was that he was actually part of that established relationship.

_But it doesn’t quite feel like it yet, does it?_

Inhaling sharply, he moved to the side to give Hoseok space to move and lay down next to Hyungwon, watching his boyfriend’s face intently in alteration with his brother’s parted lips and wide eyes. The black-haired man always seemed so tense despite something that must have been so familiar to him already. Hoseok was mesmerizing, especially with how his muscles bulged and flexed with every motion.

“You’re gorgeous,” Kyungwon whispered, meaning both of them and genuinely considered jerking off while he waited. He was impatient.

_Maybe it’s fair, before Hyungwon had to wait._

Hoseok picked up pace, lifting his brother’s hips in the process and evoking loud, low moans. Sweat appeared on the other man’s pale skin, letting his muscles glow in the light that shone through the open door, adding contour to their features and creating beautiful shadows on the blonde man’s body. Kyungwon wanted to touch him so bad, but there was no nice way that wouldn’t have restricted his motions.

Still chewing on his cheeks, he sat up and reached out to touch Hoseok’s defined ass, squeezing the muscles while giving himself a few lazy strokes. Hyungwon was pretty loud, begging repeatedly although there was no need to, Hoseok would have given him everything either way. It was hot, but Kyungwon couldn’t imagine himself in the black-haired man’s position, letting go like that, even though there was no necessity to do it. Hyungwon appeared to gain pleasure from the act of submitting and sure, it made sense, Kyungwon had seen a lot of people like that and had the joy of having them in his bed. The problem was just that his relationship with Hoseok was more like fire and gasoline.

_He will always care more about Hyungwon not getting hurt because he is more vulnerable than you are, you do the same, so why would you blame him for it?_

Kyungwon had to be demanding, otherwise he wasn’t going to get what he wanted. Smiling briefly, he got even closer to Hoseok, leaning down to bite into his muscular thigh and reach between his legs with his long fingers, massaging his balls while he thrust into Hyungwon repeatedly, making his brother scream. Kyungwon would have loved to make Hoseok come before Hyungwon, just out of spite, but his brother’s endurance was worse, whole body tensing as he screamed Hoseok’s name and just let go of his muscle tension, coming over his own stomach.

Kyungwon instantly crawled over and stroked over his hair, waiting for him to recover. He looked so fucked out, it made his protection squad instinct fire for no reason.

Hoseok reached for tissues and wiped over Hyungwon’s stomach tenderly before leaning in and giving the black-haired man a long kiss. A couple of seconds passed before the blonde man pulled out and got rid of the condom and the tissues, leaving them alone in the room.

“You good?” Kyungwon whispered and pulled Hyungwon up a little, so that his head was lying on his lap. It was more comfortable and distracted him from the fact that he wanted to tell everybody to go fuck themselves and jump Hoseok. Well, and he was able to stroke his brother’s hair better like that.

“Mmh,” Hyungwon hummed and kept his eyes closed. He must have been boneless after orgasm, at least he had always been as far as Kyungwon could remember.

“I’ll steal him then.”

Hyungwon’s eyes opened as soon as he had said that, wide and appearing worried.

“For now, you dummy, don’t panic.” He chuckled and lifted Hyungwon’s face so that he could place a kiss on his plump lips, red from biting them the whole time. His brother tasted almost like kissing Hoseok did, probably because of the intense kisses they had shared.

He was stealing him for now physically and for forever at heart.

Hoseok walked into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed glancing at Hyungwon.

“Are you okay?” he asked, reaching for his brother’s face and stroking his cheek with a smile on his prettily curved lips.

Kyungwon wanted to punch him at this point. Of course, his brother was okay, he was lying on his lap and getting his fucking hair stroked and Kyungwon had even warned him that he was about to jump Hoseok. In addition, they probably had sex a billion times and Hyungwon hadn’t suffered yet, obviously, so why would he suffer this time?

_You’re losing it, Kyungwon, just act before you actually punch him._

Hyungwon nodded with a smile but yelped when Kyungwon removed his head from his lap and climbed on top of Hoseok’s thighs, clashing their lips together. His arms instantly curled around the other man’s neck and he grabbed a fistful of hair, tilting the blonde’s head so that he had enough access to his lips and tongue.

“I’ve waited long enough,” he hissed.

“I know, you looked so needy, I loved it,” Hoseok hissed back and he felt how the other man’s lips spread in a grin against his skin while his strong hands immediately attached to his sides.

_He thinks that he’s got you where he wanted you, asshole._

“Says the one with the leaking dick and blush covering his chest.” Kyungwon bit into Hoseok’s lower lip and pulled his hair so that he could sink his teeth into the broad neck, tasting the blonde’s sweaty skin. He was gorgeous and Kyungwon wanted to taste and feel it all. His thighs pulled together to feel more of Hoseok’s and he curled one hand around his boyfriend’s thick dick. His index finger brushed over the drop of precum that protruded from the slit and he lifted it to his lips, sucking it into his mouth while staring at the blonde man. “Are you suddenly feeling confident after having someone pretty beg you for more?”

“No, you misunderstood. Sex is my only area of confidence, kitty,” the blonde man groaned and grabbed his ass, pushing it further into his lap.

It felt fucking amazing, but it wasn’t enough and Kyungwon wasn’t going to give Hoseok the pleasure of seeing him moan yet. He grinned and rolled his hips on top of the blonde man’s erection, provoking him as he bit down on his lower lip. There were a few drops of sweat on Hoseok’s forehead, running down over his nose and cheeks, glistening in the minimal light.

“You shouldn’t call me kitty unless you want it to be justified,” he whispered and scratched along the blonde’s muscular chest, leaving thin lines.

“You’re cute,” Hoseok murmured and stood up, taking his body along as if it was weightless until his back pressed against the smooth bedroom wall.

_Well, fuck._

“Fuck you,” he whispered and pulled Hoseok’s hair again, so that he could nibble on the soft skin of his collarbones. “And it seems like the only animal among us is you, tiger.”

“Mhm, one without inhibition. Now be a good boy and moan for me and I’ll let you fuck my mouth and be all subby, okay?” Hoseok pressed his hips against his groin, pinning him to the wall and ravishing his mouth and neck despite Kyungwon’s tight grip on his hair. Masochist.

Kyungwon cursed because it had been one of those offers that was impossible to decline, getting everything you wanted on a fucking plate while sacrificing something you had planned on doing anyway. He hissed, still not quite moaning yet and tightened the grip on Hoseok’s hips with his legs. Then he used it for leverage, lifting himself a little higher, right above Hoseok’s dick. He wanted to just sink down on it but he would have had to let go of Hoseok’s hair and there was no fucking way that he was doing that.

“Only if you fuck me against the wall like you fucking mean it,” he gasped and felt how the thick warmth brushed over his butt cheek. Fuck, he wanted him, so fucking much.

Hoseok let him go and tilted his head to the left while his lips spread in a nasty smile.

“Fine. So, do you want my mouth or not?”

Kyungwon genuinely considered to tell him to go fuck himself and just jerk off in the shower instead, but he couldn’t. Instead, he bit down on his lower lip so hard that it hurt and nodded slowly, watching the way the blonde man’s curved lips only spread wider. Asshole, asshole that fucked his brother in front of his eyes and didn’t even bother to touch his skin for a single second. Fucking asshole.

Suddenly Hoseok just dropped to his knees while propping up with both arms against his thick thighs and looked up at him. His eyes were almost black with how the pupil took up all the space. Hoseok licked over his pretty lips and opened his mouth, stretching his tongue out a little.

_Shit, fucking shit._

Kyungwon inhaled sharply and felt his eyes widen, staring at the way Hoseok was sitting in front of him, fucking willing and lips parted.

“You’re fucking with my head,” he cursed and curled his long fingers around his dick and lined it up with Hoseok’s mouth, letting it rub a little over the upper lip before settling on top of Hoseok’s pink tongue. It felt good but the way it looked sent direct sparks down Kyungwon’s legs, making him want to bury himself instantly.

Checking that Hoseok was aware for a split second, he pushed himself in and moaned at the warm tightness, loving the fact that Hoseok let him have his way. The blonde man even left his hands on top of his thighs and let him move as he wanted, tightening his lips around him and playing with his tongue while Kyungwon was moving back.

_Shit, he’s spoiling you, asshole._

Kyungwon couldn’t be angry with him like that, he just wanted to melt in the feeling of the hot mouth around him and tell Hoseok how fucking amazing he was, which he did, repeatedly.

“Fuck my life, your lips will be the death of me,” he murmured and picked up pace, getting rougher and loving the small licks that Hoseok placed around his tip whenever he had the possibility to. The pressure continued building up, burning in his groin and spreading out along his chest and legs. He curled his hand properly into Hoseok’s hair and pulled roughly with his thrusts. His moans were as unrestrained as they always were unless he wished to make someone suffer, echoing in the room just like the obscene sounds of him moving in and out from in between Hoseok’s lips.

_You wanted him to fuck you and orgasming with a dick in your ass is nicer._

Kyungwon barely kept himself from coming down Hoseok’s throat and pulled out, breathing heavily while still holding onto the blonde hair tightly.

“Fuck me.”

Hoseok sucked in a long breath and licked over his lips repeatedly not moving for a couple of seconds before standing up in a smooth motion and basically pushing him into the wall. He lifted his thighs and sunk his teeth into the crook of his neck.

“Fuck yes, come on, tiger, fuck me up,” Kyungwon gasped and threw his head back, moaning loudly at the sudden action.

Hoseok turned around and groaned at Hyungwon to throw him the lube. Catching it with one hand and coating his erection, he lined up and let him slide down his thick and hot length. It felt amazing and Kyungwon relaxed instantly, wanting to feel all of it at once and to the fullest and preferably in action.

“Move,” he gasped and threw his head to the side, feeling how Hoseok took up all of the space inside his body, restricting his motions but feeling so fucking good at the same time.

The blonde man didn't need an invitation and started with a couple of sensual thrusts to let him adjust but immediately slammed his hips into him as soon as Kyungwon relaxed. Fuck, he screamed at the pleasure that sparked in his lower body and even throbbed in his legs. Curling his arms and legs tighter around Hoseok’s muscular body, he scratched along the other man’s back and chest, wishing to feel the same kind of spark again. Luckily, he didn’t have to wait as Hoseok repeated it and stole his senses. His hips moved to meet each thrust with equal force and he didn’t bother suppressing the moans that left his lips. Knowing how good it must have felt, he contracted with each motion, fitting to the rhythm that Hoseok kept up.

“You're driving me crazy and you know it, fuck,” Hoseok groaned, tightening his grip on his hips. At this point there wasn't even a wall, Hoseok just fucked him in the air.

Kyungwon couldn’t help but open his eyes at that, watching the way the other man held him in the air, hands grabbing his thighs roughly and thrusting upwards into him, disappearing inside his body. It looked crazy and Kyungwon made sure to hold on tightly, moaning into the blonde man’s face without a break.

“Come on, Hoseok, fuck me as hard as you like,” he breathed against the curved mouth and pulled at the blonde strands again, keeping his body in place to enable Hoseok to thrust up as he liked. It felt amazing, especially with how well the other man was able to hit, sending pleasure through him like a fucking firework. “I fucking love the way you feel inside me. I fucking love you, shit.”

“Turn around, I want you to feel it all,” Hoseok moaned and pulled out, letting his feet touch the ground slowly. It was kinda affectionate after fucking him against the wall a minute ago.

Kyungwon struggled to keep his body up but managed anyway, turning around and placing his palms flat on the wall. Fuck, he barely did shit like that, he always wanted to see what he was doing to his partners, to drive them mad and stay in control, but with Hoseok it was- okay somehow. He didn't have to be fucking strong and unaffected, not all the time. Smiling a little and feeling the familiar buzz of arousal, Kyungwon exhaled slowly and relaxed his body, licking over his lips quickly.

“Then let me feel it all, babe, make me scream.”

Suddenly he could feel Hoseok's soft lips pressing kisses on his shoulders, his spine and his neck while the other man's hands settled at his sides. It was so intimate, like it was just him and Hoseok and sex wasn't even the point.

“You're gorgeous,” Hoseok whispered right next to his ear.

He would have said something snarky, something teasing about the other man and how affected he was, complimenting him and unable to keep his hands off. But instead Kyungwon just bit his lip and turned his head, establishing eye contact.

“I love you,” he murmured, completely out of place confusing himself as to why it left his lips like that. A confession in the middle of sex without an insult, it wasn't like him.

“I love you too, Kyungwon. A lot.” Hoseok leaned in and kissed him, licking into his mouth and stroking over his hair. “And now I really want to make you feel good.”

He was weak when it came to getting his hair stroked, but he did his best to not let it show, hoping that it didn't. A smile spread his lips and he spread his legs a little, feeling the cool wall against his chest.

“Give it to me, tiger.”

Hoseok held his hips with one hand and pushed himself in, filling up all the space in a matter of seconds, before grabbing his hips with both hands and thrusting into his body.

“Shit,” he groaned at the way it felt and how Hoseok hit dead on, right where it made white spots appear before his eyes. “Right fucking there, shit.” It seemed like his hips were in an iron grip, immobile with how tightly the blonde man held them. How Hoseok managed to not come in his ass yet was a fucking mystery. Kyungwon was getting close.

“Do you want me to touch you? But the precision might suffer,” Hoseok moaned while leaning closer to his ear and sinking his teeth into his skin on the way.

“Just tell me how it feels, and I won't need the touching,” Kyungwon forced out and closed his eyes, focusing on the mixture of Hoseok inside of him and the way his dick was pressed against the wall.

“It feels crazy, you're fucking tight but you're perfect at relaxing so it's also smooth and so hot, how the sweat looks on your back and your ass is fucking gorgeous, I'm huge but you're taking it so well, shit,” Hoseok murmured while moving inside him, fingers grabbing his hips tighter and frequency of the thrusts increasing. Kyungwon loved how it must have riled up the blonde as much as it affected him, orgasm pulling at the strings of his awareness as screams and moans left his lips without a break.

“You’re setting me on fire, Hoseok, you make me want to wreck you so much, fuck, bite me.” He was so fucking close, vision blurring, even behind his eyelids. His nails scratched over the wall, inhibitions dissipating into thin air. He felt sharp teeth sinking into the skin of his shoulder while Hoseok got rougher, multiplying the pleasure through different sensations. It was a fucking wrecking ball, finally pushing him over the edge as he screamed and came, body contracting repeatedly around the blonde man, pulling him deeper.

_Holy shit._

“What do you want, Hoseok? You can have it all, fuck,” he gasped while his body tried to recover from the intensity while still being filled to the brim.

“You. What else would I want, you fool.” Hoseok used the moment to catch his breath, he had been working out a lot, but the performance was simply mental. The blonde man should have passed out twenty minutes ago.

“If that's how you let your joker go to waste, go ahead,” he commented and smiled, reaching behind himself to pull Hoseok towards his neck and to be able to place a kiss on those delicious lips. “You can go all out, come in me, on my back, in my mouth, whatever you like, tiger.”

“Why do I feel as if tiger is a pet name you call anyone who you happen to let inside you to make them feel inferior? Never mind.” The blonde pulled out and stroked himself, orgasming over his back with a loud moan. He could hear pants but Hoseok was quick getting tissues and wiping his skin and his thighs clean.

“I've never called anyone tiger before,” Kyungwon murmured and brushed through his hair, feeling a little weird at the comment. He stayed in place while Hoseok took care of him and chewed on his cheek. The other man made it sound like he said it to put him down, but that wasn't the case at all.

“I guess it's my special treatment then. Fuck, I need to drink or I'm going to faint,” Hoseok whispered and walked out of the room before pulling the underwear over his muscular butt.

Kyungwon used the time to get his shit together and throw himself on the bed, landing uncomfortably on a rather bony and everything but soft arm.

_Hyungwon. You forgot Hyungwon._

He couldn't help but yelp and turn around quickly, ready to defend himself even before his brain registered that his brother was still there.

“Oh my god, did I scare you?” Hyungwon muttered, eyes wide as he tried to pull his arm back, rubbing over his wrist repeatedly.

“Sorry, I was kinda gone, Won, I'm sure you can relate,” he remarked with a grin and curled his body around his brother's, enjoying how warm it was because they weren't wearing anything. It was a little surreal, with Hoseok fucking them both and them actually dating over a  .

“Mmh,” Hyungwon hummed and usually that was a bad sign because his brother preferred full sentences, even if they were stuttered.

“You okay, feeling good? Apart from being hard obviously, but that'll fade.” His comment hit jackpot as Hyungwon groaned and hid his face in his neck, biting down for revenge but it wasn't hard enough for Kyungwon to show it.

“You're evil, you make fun of me reacting and you only kissed me to upset Hoseok. Why would you do that?” the black-haired man exclaimed and hit his chest lightly. It was cute but Hyungwon sounded dead serious.

“You're upset because I kissed you? But- I mean- it's not like I don’t usually do that. Are you suddenly uncomfortable with that?” He was genuinely concerned. Was the relationship with Hoseok enough for Hyungwon to wish to have more distance between them? It hurt a little.

Hyungwon blushed and bit down on his lip, lifting his head to look at him properly.

“W-what- no. I don't mind you kissing me, I like it, but not when- when you do it to upset Hoseok. You made it sound like I'm some t-toy that you use to satisfy your submission kink.”

_Holy shit, Kyungwon, what the hell were you thinking?_

He panicked a little, curling his arms even further around Hyungwon and inhaling his brother's scent, pulling himself together.

“Fuck, I'm sorry, Won, I didn't- I didn't really think I guess. I didn't mean to make you feel this way, I just got so defensive because it sounded like he was telling me he wasn't good enough for me and that made me angry.” He placed a kiss on Hyungwon's plump lips, holding him close. “I'm sorry, really, I'm sorry.”

Hyungwon smiled at that and stroked over his head, letting him curl his legs around his slim body as well. It felt good, reassuring and the way they always were, independent of loving the same person.

“It's okay, Kyungwon.” Hyungwon did the same and also leaned in, pressing a kiss on his lips.

“What are you doing? Bonding against me?” Hoseok walked in, holding a bottle of water and handed it to Hyungwon who immediately reached for it. The other man climbed on top of the bed and lay down next to his brother. Kyungwon remained curled around the black-haired man because he still felt a little bad. Very bad. Upsetting Hyungwon was on his list of worst crimes against humanity.

“N-no we would never bond against you,” Hyungwon replied as soon as he had drunk some of the water, handing it to Kyungwon. “We just- we always do this, h-hugging like this I mean.”

“I see, don’t let me stop you.” The other man's breath was still shaky and he inhaled repeatedly.

“Wanna join?” Kyungwon asked and grinned against Hyungwon's skin although Hoseok probably couldn’t see it. “You sound like you really exerted yourself, impressive.”

Hyungwon didn't wait for Hoseok’s reply and merely stretched out his arm, the one that didn't stroke over Kyungwon’s hair.

“I probably look weird next to Won, naked like this. His legs are so pretty,” his brother murmured, and the words let a cold shudder run over Kyungwon’s back, reminding him of one year ago.

“Bullshit. I ditched him for your legs.” Hoseok buried his head in the crook of Hyungwon's neck.

“He did,” Kyungwon confirmed and remembered how Hoseok had just pulled his pants back up, realizing that he wasn't Hyungwon. Fuck, that had hurt, much like the whole year after that. “Sorry, Hoseok, I'd hug you too but Hyungwon is being an angel, stroking my hair and forgiving me for being an asshole. I'm trying to repent.”

“Is that how your relationship works? I'm okay, I get enough oxygen all by myself, I'm satisfied.” Hoseok’s voice was barely a whisper somewhere against Hyungwon's skin. It was difficult to tell what exactly Hoseok meant, the fact that Hyungwon was an angel or that he had to repent for being an asshole.

“I love you both so much,” Hyungwon said into the silence, not related to anything else that was said and merely hugging both of them as tight as he could. It wasn't very much but Kyungwon appreciated it, especially how it somehow felt like he was welcome this time.

_Probably because you are with Hyungwon, but that's not the point, not really._

“I love you too,” he whispered into Hyungwon's neck and placed a kiss behind his ear, wondering if Hoseok was fine. Shit, now he wanted to hug him and have his hair stroked by the blonde man, always giving so much affection.

There was no sound besides regular breaths. Hoseok was sleeping.

Kyungwon chuckled and cuddled up further against his brother. It was sweet somehow that the blonde man had just fallen asleep like that.

“He's sweet,” he murmured and shifted a little. Hyungwon agreed with a sweet smile and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s head before pulling a blanket over their naked bodies. The blonde man was the only one wearing underwear but Kyungwon didn't care and hoped that his brother didn't either, especially now that their bodies were covered by a blanket.

It felt strange how different their relationship was whenever one of them was gone or asleep. He was completely relaxed with his brother, enjoying the long fingers in his hair and the warm breaths against the top of his head, but when Hoseok was awake it seemed like he had to prove something, to be the confident one and in control. It changed when he was with Hoseok only, there he seemed more capable of admitting to mistakes but mainly because he was hurt, crying and screaming. Which one was it? How was he supposed to act? Which one was really him?

If Kyungwon had to choose he would have picked now, the moment he hugged his brother and felt at ease. There were no responsibilities and no need to be strong because Hyungwon was fine and took care of him instead, lifting the burden for a few moments until he would return to his responsibilities and being untouchable.

_Do you want to be untouchable though?_

He didn't know, he just knew that he didn't want to get hurt and until now the risk seemed high. Sure, they wanted to work on it and make sure all of them were happy and at ease, but something deep inside told him to not give in, to remain like a rock and get what he wanted.

“Why are you so rough with him?” Hyungwon asked suddenly, intertwining their naked legs. It felt almost like their childhood when Kyungwon had panicked and ran to Hyungwon during a storm, almost losing his shit while pretending that the scared one was Hyungwon. His pretty brother had luckily played along. “I know that you like being dominant, but not like that. You didn't even use a condom, Kyungwon, what the fuck?”

_Right, that._

“I don't know, it just happens. I guess my brain tells me not to let him see everything, hide the vulnerable parts.” He hummed in thought and enjoyed the embrace, it made talking easier somehow.

“Hide the vulnerable parts?” Hyungwon asked carefully and it was quiet for a while, silence heavy. “Kyungwon, do you think that he will leave if you give in, if you show everything?”

_Do you?_

Kyungwon swallowed. The question had something uncomfortable to it, like the truth usually did, paired with unfulfilled expectations.

“It's harder to drop something that's exciting, isn't it?” he replied and chuckled, it sounded bitter. He didn't think that he wasn't exciting, but getting everything was boring, wasn’t it? Weren't relationships about getting to know the person over years, constantly learning something new. It just didn't feel like there was all that much to learn and if Kyungwon made all of it easily accessible, then how the fuck was he supposed to compete with Hyungwon?

“It is,” Hyungwon whispered and looked up. “But you are exciting, so exciting that I always wished to be you. There are constantly things happening in your life and your perception of things is hilarious. To me it seems unreal that you wouldn't want to show yourself the way you are. To me you were always perfect.”

His brother placed a soft kiss on his head and temple before letting go. It was intimate and told him that it was okay, it was okay to talk and to say all those things he thought.

“He's so intimate with you, but if I'm the same, would he really want me? I don't know, Hyungwon. I feel like I have to be the fire, burning until it hurts,” he replied and chewed on his cheek. Hoseok’s breaths were soft next to them, regular much like the way his broad chest rose and fell.

“I felt like I was boring compared to you, not worth the excitement and apparently not worth fucking without a condom.” Hyungwon spoke matter of factly, the sign that he meant every word, trying to distance himself from it.

“It was my fault, I told him to fuck it and after that we didn't really bother anymore. He would do it if you wanted to, it probably just never came up ,” Kyungwon reassured him although he couldn't help but secretly feel glad about something that was his, much like most of Hoseok’s affection was Hyungwon's. “But you're not boring at all, Hyungwon, you’re a whole kink, one that stays.” Kissing the rosy cheek quickly, he exhaled heavily against his brother's skin and placed his right leg over his lap.

“Thank you for saying that, it feels strange, to know that you still wish to be me somehow. It was always the other way around and I got used to it. Somehow, I thought that now that Hoseok loves you too everything would return to normal, to me wishing to have the qualities that I don't.” Hyungwon spoke quickly and like he had thought about it a lot, not stuttering at all. “I missed you this last year. You always give me the feeling that I'm needed somehow, even though I'm the one who always needs help.”

Kyungwon smiled at the words, squeezing Hyungwon's waist that he was holding.

“You also always give me the feeling that I'm needed but that’s changed a little now that Hoseok is there. He takes care of you and it seems I'm only with you to complain about my broken heart. It's not really symmetrical.”

“It doesn't have to be.” Hyungwon resumed stroking over his hair. “I need you independently, to make fun of me, to cook for me, to just be there. I'm somehow glad that out of all the people that Hoseok could have fallen in love with it was you.”

“I-" Kyungwon hesitated because he wasn't sure whether it was really okay to say it, to utter his thoughts like this, unfiltered. “I sometimes wish I hadn't fallen in love in the first place. It just seemed easier. I have no idea how you were able to take this constantly.” He swallowed at the pain that he had felt being in love with Hoseok and not having the possibility to do anything about it.

“It just happened, I didn't decide to fall in love. I would like somebody and then I'd be stuttering and embarrassing myself and learning all kinds of things. It hurts, but it makes me appreciate what I have. That's why I don't want to break this.”

“I wouldn't let you break it, ever,” Kyungwon instantly whispered, afraid of what it might have done to his brother. “I just have to get used to another person being close to me, close enough to hurt. Until now it was always just you.”

It was quiet as Hyungwon's breaths tickled the hair on his forehead, flying up a little.

“Has anyone else ever made you happy, Kyungwon?”

“No, just you and Hoseok.” The answer was easy because all other emotions didn't count. They were too bland in comparison. “You know that I never bother much with others, they just want the cash mostly.”

“Maybe that's cause you don't open up. I mean- I obviously don't want to pressure you, but maybe you being untouchable like this just makes it hard to come closer. Minhyuk- he said that he enjoyed sleeping with you, but throughout the whole thing he had no idea what you were thinking and that weirded him out a little. You- you're a really good actor, Kyungwon.”

He was. He could pretend to be unbothered until he finally cracked, crying and screaming. He could just shrug when someone that he had believed to be a friend just didn't call anymore. He could roll his eyes when someone called him cold hearted. He was really good at that, almost professional.

_But do you really want to be?_

He swallowed and stroked along the naked skin of Hyungwon's hip, feeling smooth and so different from him own. His own that he had gotten from being hurt and emotional and riding his motorcycle drunk like an idiot, pretending that he didn't care.

“I'm an actor that can never step out of his role, Hyungwon,” he whispered.

It felt like a cycle, one that repeated endlessly with the same behavioral patterns. Constantly showing the exact same cold shoulder, lifted eyebrow and superiority.

_All the way until you die, Kyungwon._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

_You fucking idiot. Since when does sex solve issues? You can’t solve the issue because the issue is you._

It was cold. Really cold. It must’ve been about zero degrees Celsius and he sat on a wet bench. The water soaked his jeans and froze his skin, making him feel the temperature in every inch of his body.

_Are you making yourself even more miserable to have an excuse for behaving like an asshole?_

It frustrated him so much that all the painful memories came back, without him intending on remembering any of them. Feeling left out, scared, sad, unworthy, useless, not good enough to receive affection. His brother telling him that he’d rather share his concerns with a friend, acting differently with him. How was he supposed to live if people he liked didn’t open up to him? Was he not good enough?

_Kyungwon thinks that you will hurt him if he does. He’s probably right, you’re trash._

He had heard the brothers talking while he was falling asleep, trying to hold onto the thin threads of consciousness after the mad physical exhaustion. Kyungwon didn’t want him to see. The real him. It hurt so much. It seemed as if the other man had been more willing to open up back then, a year ago, even though it was supposed to be the other way around. They were in a relationship, they were dating.

_It’s because you don’t fucking deserve him opening up. You hurt him for over a year playing with his feelings like the worst piece of shit and you made him cry, three times, what do you even want? To open up too? He doesn’t even want this from you, he just wants you to act like you act towards Hyungwon._

It was pathetic, but he cried. The tears kept running down his cheeks in the freezing cold and he clenched his hands into fists to bear the cold at least a little bit, but it just crept deeper, freezing his bones and burning in his lungs. He hated himself. For knowing that his mother was right, that he couldn’t be of any use, that he didn’t deserve to be loved, that one needed to do something to deserve affection.

It was empty because of the weather, who the fuck went to stare at cold stones at 9PM in winter? He couldn’t even bring flowers because they would’ve just frozen, so he took a stone, one he picked up with Hyungwon at the sea. He always thought stones were prettier than flowers because flowers died so easily whereas stones stayed forever.

_They stay forever. Would be nice if people you love would stay too instead of dying or leaving you._

He would’ve loved to have a talk with his mother now. His biological mother. He would’ve asked her whether she had loved him before she took those pills. Whether it had been his fault, whether he had done something wrong. He was five, he didn’t remember, but he might have done something bad. Wouldn’t have been surprising at this point. His dad never answered the ‘why’ question after he had found out that she had committed suicide.

_But there you are thinking about your lover on the anniversary of your mother’s death, crying because you want him to show himself although you’re fucking trash, fuck._

He whispered ‘sorry mom’ at the grey stone a lot of times, but he also couldn’t see well because of his tears and because of the darkness that surrounded him, apart from the small amount of light that the snow reflected.

He hated cemeteries.  
  
_  
  


Hoseok couldn’t feel his skin but it hurt. It didn’t make sense, but the perception was just like this when he finally arrived at their apartment and took off his wet shoes, putting his jacket on the hook. He should’ve dressed properly, but then again there was nothing that could’ve hurt from freezing besides the pain that was there anyway.

He hoped that Hyungwon wasn’t there to see him like this, but he also hoped that he was. He had nobody else.

_You only have him and can’t help loading your emotional ballast and greedy wishes on him. Why are you like this?_

He felt tears fill up his eyes again as he just slid down the wall and sat in the hallway crying without making a sound. His warm tears tickled a little on the frozen skin of his face, he would’ve laughed at how fucking pathetic it was if it didn’t hurt so much.

He heard steps coming from the bedroom, the other man must have been lying in bed. It was unusual with how slow they were, as if each wooden board creaked separately to announce that Hyungwon was making his way towards him, that the black-haired man knew that something was wrong somehow.

“Hoseok?” a low but hesitant voice asked into the darkness until Hyungwon suddenly pushed the light switch and ran over to him, slow steps turning into fast creeks until he felt warm, thin arms around him, holding him close. “Oh my god, it's okay, Hoseok, it's okay, you have me, it's okay.” The murmurs repeated as Hyungwon held him close and stroked over his hair and back, big palms hot against his freezing skin.

“No, it’s not okay, fuck,” he heard himself say, but his voice didn’t sound like his own at all.

“What happened, Hoseok, what happened to make you feel like this?” Hyungwon asked and didn't dare to let go of him, using all of his strength to press Hoseok to the slim chest. The other man seemed shocked at his outburst, similar to the way he had reacted when Hoseok cried in front of the hospital, unable to control himself.

“Happened? Nothing. I’m alive, everything else is kind of the consequence.” His hands started shivering as he clutched onto Hyungwon’s t-shirt. He couldn’t see well; his eyes were still producing tears nonstop.

“You mean my happiness?” Hyungwon whispered carefully, raking his hands through the strands of Hoseok’s hair and letting them move past his knuckles slowly. “That's a consequence of you being born. I wouldn't be here without you and I wouldn't be dancing either. I would still hate myself, not get proper therapy and force myself to study something I don't like. What other consequences are there from you being born?”

_People getting hurt._

“Me hurting those I love, you don’t understand, I’m such trash that I wasn’t even able to fucking think about my mother at her grave instead of contemplating how to make this complicated mess work without hurting anyone. She- fuck,” his voice broke and the tears ran down faster, pulling at something very painful deep inside.

“Is it-" Hyungwon swallowed and rubbed over Hoseok’s tear-stained cheeks with his thumb. “Is it her death anniversary? Why did you go alone, Hoseok? I would have- I would have come with you. You don't have to take all this alone all the time. That's what you told me back then, to come to you. Why don't you follow your own advice?”

He could trace how the warmth of Hyungwon’s hands seeped through the soaked fabric of his shirt, resulting in goosebumps all over his body and the wish to hug him.

“Because I- I don’t even know if it was my fault, but I somehow keep telling myself that she was the one person who must’ve loved me, I just kept persuading myself from the time I was five or six, that there had been a person that genuinely loved and cared for me and that I can’t be worthless or useless. But maybe it was my fault that she- fuck, I can’t remember anything relevant.” He hit his head against the wall, as if it would’ve helped.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he pulled him further away from the wall, keeping enough distance to look at him with those big, brown eyes of his, so emotional and vulnerable.

“Why would it be your fault, Hoseok? Why would anything be your fault? That's not how this works. It- it was the same with Ben, remember? You thought his misery was your fault, but in the end,  you were the only thing that still made him happy. You're wonderful, Hoseok. You make me so fucking happy that I sometimes can't even remember how I must have lived before I met you. Whatever happened with your mother and whatever she did- I don't believe that she did it because of you, Hoseok. You were a child, a wonderful and innocent child and I am sure that whatever motivated her to do whatever she did, it couldn't have been you.” Hyungwon leaned in and placed a kiss on each of his eyes.

_But what if she also felt unworthy of any affection? Maybe you didn’t show her how much you loved her, just like you can’t show it to Kyungwon._

“How am I supposed to share with you if I’m like this on the inside, fuck,” he shouldn’t have done it, but he still curled his arms around Hyungwon, pressing the black-haired man closer and burying his face in the warm crook of his neck.

It's okay, Hoseok, you can be anyway you like, I love you regardless.” Hyungwon kissed the top of his head and stroked over his back, drawing big circles with his fingertips. “In my opinion you are wonderful on the inside. Didn’t I say something like that and you told me that it wasn’t true, that I shouldn’t diss your preferences? So, don't diss my preferences either, Hoseok. You're the world to me. I wish for you to be happy and realize what a wonderful person and how lovable you are. Everybody loves you.”

_No, they don’t._

“Do you know when I first realized what love is? When Kihyun dumped his pills into the trash in front of my eyes telling me he wasn’t going to die because I’m there, so he would live some more. I didn’t know before, I told you I’m not qualified but I keep loving you and Kyungwon and Kihyun and hurting all of you as if you haven’t suffered enough already,” he sobbed quietly knowing very well how fucking pathetic it was but he couldn’t help it, he felt like a cracked shell and if there was someone he wanted to share it with then it was Hyungwon. His home.

“But we hurt you too. I told you that you probably forgot Ben, back then, when I was hurting. Kyungwon hurts you in his own way. It happens and- and people make mistakes but it's important to forgive them. Not everything you do hurts us. Most of the things you do make us happy. You went on that trip with me, you come home and bring me stroopwafels sometimes, you convinced me that Shrimp doesn't hate me when I cried because she scratched me that day. It's all ridiculous and embarrassing but you accept all that and just build me up, Hoseok. You're everything I need, and it doesn't matter to me whether you think badly of yourself. I know that it's not true.”

He wanted to answer but felt how Hyungwon started shivering in his arms, equally soaked with how wet his clothes were.

“I- let me take all of this off and take a hot shower, you need one too, you’re freezing,” he muttered and tried to get up but his legs almost gave out. “I love you, you’re the only person I can talk to about this, it hurts so fucking much.”

“I know, Hoseok, I know.” There was a small smile on his lips. The black-haired man stood up and helped to stabilize Hoseok. “I'm sorry I'm not the most stable pillar though,“ he whispered with a chuckle and pulled Hoseok towards the bathroom.

“I wasn’t joking around when I told you that you’re the only reason for me functioning. Thank you so much for being there for me and for my useless self.” His answer was barely a whisper. Because it was the truth.

“Thank you for making me want to live,” Hyungwon replied quietly before he suddenly stopped walking and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck tightly, slim body flush against his. He appeared emotional, hiding his pretty face.

“I know about your scars and you know about mine, although I’m late to show them. I will show more I promise,” he whispered into Hyungwon’s small ear and pulled him tighter into his embrace.

“I'll love them all like you love mine, even though-" Hyungwon stopped speaking and exhaled instead,  as if he knew that what he had wanted to say was wrong, nothing he needed to say. “You can show me, Hoseok. I will love it all.”

_How did you deserve this? Do you even deserve this?_

He leaned back and glanced at Hyungwon’s handsome face. It was a softly shaped beauty, there was nothing edgy, just pretty, tender curves of his lips, his jaw and his big, brown eyes. Hoseok couldn’t help a smile at how lucky he actually was and leaned in, closing the distance and tasting Hyungwon’s plump lips.

“Your smile after tears is like a rainbow and sunshine at the same time. You're so beautiful, Hoseok. I still wish I was a part of you, even if just for a moment. You think that you are not worthy but to me you are perfect,” the black-haired man replied after returning the kiss, soft and emotional, much like his words. “I'm sorry for always getting so sappy, but- your smile it just- I can't describe it.”

Hoseok loved him so much, it was hard to describe the feeling but if he had to he’d say it felt like being pulled out of a barrel of lead to see the sun, swim in a beautiful lake and breathe fresh air for the first time, just that this was what Hyungwon was for him.  
  
___

A few days passed, and he stopped crying as much as before. Hyungwon was able to comfort him, to make him believe that it wasn't that bad, that he deserved a bit of the affection he received.

Placing the cup of lukewarm liquid on the counter he jumped up and pulled the headphones over his head, drowning in nice jazz that gave him a break from his thoughts. He took the cup and took a long sip, closing his eyes at the taste.

Suddenly he felt warm hands on his thighs, leaning on him. Hoseok opened his eyes and was met with big, brown ones, watching him. A genuine smile spread plump lips wide, showing a bit of straight, white teeth. The other man said something but Hoseok couldn't hear it, the actions were accompanied by jazz instead. Stroking over his thigh, the black-haired man leaned forward and pressed their lips together as one of his hands travelled upwards to cup his face.

Kyungwon came to visit, just like he promised.

He had no possibility of taking off his headphones, so he just kissed back, spreading his legs to accommodate the other man better and curling his arms around his lean body.

 Kyungwon pushed one of his headphones to the side with his thumb and whispered ‘I missed you so fucking much, I almost choked my co-workers’ into his ear, before moving it back and drowning him in jazz music again. He was less rough than he usually was, kissing him softly although the grip on his jaw was tight.

“I missed you too, thank you for coming,” he answered and squeezed Kyungwon’s hips in between his thighs.

The black-haired man glanced between their bodies and bit down on his cheek. Sighing he murmured something that drowned in a particularly well done saxophone solo and stepped back a little, obviously checking him out. Kyungwon’s big eyes moved from his thighs and crotch upwards, over his chest and naked biceps to his face.

Finally taking off his headphones he could hear Kyungwon's breathing pattern with how quiet the apartment was.

“How have you been during the last few days?” he asked and smiled while leaning back a little and using his arms to stay stable.

“Horny and fighting with myself to get my ass over here. But I managed as you can see.” Kyungwon grinned and gestured along his own body, indicating he had arrived. “I'm just surprised I have you all to myself. Where's Won?”

_You just sleep with Hyungwon and he's all by himself._

His gaze travelled over the other man's shirt, showing a lot of his golden skin through the v-cut and his ripped jeans hugging his lean thighs like a second skin. He was hot, so incredibly hot.

“Hyungwon? He's at the dance school, has a workshop but I think he will be back before midnight tonight. Although- who knows,” he smiled and licked over his lips. “You are hot.”

“So are you,” Kyungwon replied with a grin and squeezed Hoseok’s thigh again. “I can't decide what I like more, the fact that you're spread-legged on a counter or the intellectual feel of Chet Baker coming from your headphones.” The other man stepped closer again and licked over Hoseok’s upper lip, like he just wanted to get a small taste.

“Why like one more if you could love the whole package?” Hoseok grinned and grabbed Kyungwon's shirt, pulling him closer to attach his lips to the other man's plump ones.

The black-haired man chuckled and circled his neck with one of his lean arms while he used the other to hold onto Hoseok’s jaw loosely.

“I'm not sure whether I'm at the point of having sex to Chet Baker, but well,” he murmured and nibbled on Hoseok’s bottom lip, stepping far enough between his legs to add a bit of friction to both of their groins.

Hoseok threw his head back and hissed, there was no point in pretending that he didn't like it. Spreading his legs more, he slipped a little further down with his hips, to feel more.

“You're sin, Hoseok,” Kyungwon whispered and moved lower, placing kisses on his jaw and sucking at sensitive spots, tracing them with his tongue. He seemed affected, exhaling roughly through his nose and pants appearing tight at the crotch. The black-haired man's long fingers travelled upwards until they reached his hair and sank between the golden strands, tugging at it while his other arm curled around Hoseok’s waist, pulling their bodies flush.

“You're beautiful, I often think about you but then you are in front of me and it overwhelms me every time, even though I should be used to it.” Hoseok let his fingers roam over the other man's back, slipping under his shirt and feeling how the smooth skin felt against his fingertips.

“Not to ruin the fun, but Hyungwon looks the same,” Kyungwon remarked with a chuckle, suppressing his response to Hoseok’s fingers on his naked skin. Leaning in again he licked a wet stripe from Hoseok’s partially revealed collarbones upwards along his neck. “You on the other hand are surely one of a kind.”

_One of a kind. It's not something good is it?_

“Bullshit, you act differently and you're two different people, even your faces, I mean sure if you both didn't move or smile it would be difficult, but like this it's clear. Hyungwon is more soft, shy and vulnerable, and you're more confident, hot, impulsive. Something like this.” Again, he threw his head back and exhaled roughly at the ministrations, before curling his legs around Kyungwon's body and pulling him against his body without any sign of strain.

“Fuck,” the other man cursed, visibly liking that a lot. “Your strength is a whole kink.” Kyungwon instantly continued nibbling on his collarbones, lifting his shirt to be able to reach more of his naked skin, teasing with small licks and his teeth. “But since when are you able to tell us apart so well?”

“Since I'm in love with you,” he muttered and sunk his hand into Kyungwon's black hair, massaging his scalp and gasping here and there at the especially rough bites.

Kyungwon’s eyebrow lifted and he sank down, almost to his knees as he lifted Hoseok’s shirt and placed kisses on his abdomen, tongue dipping into his navel. “And since when is that?”

“Since I told you not to touch me because the feelings mix up. It was bullshit. I just liked you. A little later I started noticing all the differences between you two, hoping that it'd fade but it got worse.” Letting out a soft moan at the other man's warm tongue against his skin, he couldn't help but stare down, taking in the mesmerizing sight.

Kyungwon’s tongue stopped as it was just about to dip under Hoseok’s waistband, tease him further. Instead of continuing the black-haired man looked up, staring at him in disbelief.

“Are you telling me that you loved me back when you told me not to touch you and I cried in Hyungwon's arms like a pathetic piece of shit because I had nowhere else to go?” The disbelief only increased with how big Kyungwon’s eyes turned and how his lips transformed into a thin line. “What the actual fuck, Hoseok? I thought you were just confused because we looked the same, but you actually loved me?”

_It seems so._

Sighing, the black-haired man glanced down, inhaling sharply before he looked back.

“I mean, I'm the one who told you that it would have been better if you hadn't told me, but then again not even distance had been enough to get over it. I just...want to forget about all those thoughts from before.” As if deciding that the topic was finished all on his own, Kyungwon closed his lips around Hoseok’s clothed erection, breathing hot air over it.

Why Kyungwon wanted to forget everything was clear, it probably hurt, but then again why couldn't the other man just talk to him about it? Hoseok didn't have the time to contemplate as the sensations increased and he felt pleasure building up in his middle. Moaning, he tightened his grip on the other man's hair and pulled a little.

“You make me want to make you moan in my face,” he murmured and used his skilful hands to quickly unbutton Hoseok’s jeans and pull the zipper down. Hoseok felt the black-haired man's tongue with much less fabric between them, it only heightened the sensations, warm air constantly brushing his sensitive tip.

Looking up, Kyungwon moistened his lips, glistening in the light a little bit, and pulled at Hoseok’s waistband. Then the other man leaned in, licking over his tip, sensation too much and at the same time not enough.

A low moan left his mouth as he spread his legs further, loving the sight of Kyungwon's beautiful face between his muscular thighs.

“I want to give you all the things you like,” he murmured, chewing on his lower lip to distract himself from the onslaught of sensations.

“Say my name then,” Kyungwon whispered and closed his plump lips around the tip of his erection, sucking intently while digging his tongue into the slit. Just when it got good, the other man let go again, placing kisses on his abdomen instead. “You almost never do.”

_You don't?_

_Maybe you're scared to say Hyungwon by accident._

“I want you, Kyungwon.” He looked into the other man's brown eyes, focusing on them and on his face more than he did on anything else.

“I want you too,” the gorgeous, black-haired man whispered and and licked over his lips again. He had a very penetrating gaze, different from Hyungwon's. Taking a deep breath, Kyungwon used his hands to pull Hoseok’s jeans a little lower and to give himself more space. Once he had a good grip, the other man leaned forward and took most of his erection into his mouth, flattening his tongue and sucking when he could. It felt amazing, sensations crashing in at once after a few moments of nothing.

He was a moaning mess, raking through Kyungwon's hair and unable to move his hips because he was seated.

“Fuck, I want to taste you too,” he groaned and pulled a little harsher at the other man's hair in his grip. The other man released his erection with a lewd pop, teasing him only further.

“Switch?” Kyungwon asked with a grin, lips shiny from more than his own spit. “Or you want to 69?”

“Depends on whether you feel like living out your dom fantasies with me or not,” he answered and grinned back, slipping down from the counter right after. It was admittedly easier to formulate when your dick was not inside someone's mouth.

Kyungwon pursed his lips at that, visibly in thought.

“Let's be honest here, I'm kind of sex starved. I'll probably consider everything you do the final stage of sex art,” he commented and curled his long fingers around Hoseok’s dick, like he couldn't refrain from touching him.

“If you handle two months without it then I'll welcome you to my level,” he commented and grinned, remembering how long he had to wait until Hyungwon felt comfortable enough to be close to him.

Lifting Kyungwon from his knees, he slipped his fingers under the elegant shirt and pulled it over the other man's head. His skin tone was beautiful, caramel mixed with sand and smooth to the touch. Hoseok immediately let his fingers roam over Kyungwon's chest, rubbing over a nipple and leaning in to close his lips around it.

The other man hissed at the sensation and placed his palms on top of Hoseok’s hipbones, slowly rolling his t-shirt up.

“I'd rather delve into the realms of self-love then,” he gasped and hinted at Hoseok to lift his arms up once the t-shirt was rolled up high enough.

He complied, licking over his lips and contemplating what had happened for Kyungwon to not jump him like a fucking animal.

_Maybe you're less exciting now._

“But self-love is not the same, you can't feel the same without another person touching you and you touching him, his skin, his hair, how his lips taste and what his moans sound like, it's like bad food if you don't have anything else.”

“Thank you for making it so much worse,” the black-haired man growled and closed his lips around the skin on Hoseok’s shoulder, sucking harshly while moving his hands all over his body, following the dips of his muscles and the curve of his ass. “I'm trying to get a grip over here. I thought I would have to seduce you inconspicuously because you wouldn't be alone, but here you fucking are, all mine to have.”

_Ah there he is._

“Since when are you able to seduce someone inconspicuously? Also, yes, I'm yours to have, you just have to take it.” Licking over his lips, Hoseok scratched over Kyungwon's back lightly, pushing their hips together to increase friction. The other man was hard, obviously hard.

“Fucking hell,” Kyungwon cursed and threw his head back for a second, teeth abusing the inside of his cheek. He must have missed the provocation as he didn't react and moaned instead, pulling Hoseok even closer, naked chests flush against each other. The other man's hands were shaking a little as they slipped upwards and intertwined with the blonde strands of his hair. A light tug was enough to attach Hoseok’s lips to the golden skin of Kyungwon’s neck. “Mark me, shit, just mark me.”

_Why is he like this? Did something happen?_

He leaned in and sunk his teeth into the crook of Kyungwon's neck, licking over the bite and nibbling along his jaw and up to his ear.

“Is everything okay? You seem different today,” he whispered after moaning at Kyungwon's hip roll.

The other man appeared to bask in the pleasure, like he wished to just drown in it, differently from all the previous times they had been close. Kyungwon was strangely calm, even though he still scratched along Hoseok’s skin and nibbled on his bottom lip.

“Nothing unusual,” his boyfriend simply commented and turned his head away, hissing at the way the bite felt on his neck. “Just touch me, Hoseok.”

He did, attaching his lips to the other man's golden skin instantly, sucking on and licking over it, alternating his touches with kisses and the sensation of his hands grabbing his body tightly. Sinking to his knees, he unbuttoned Kyungwon's ripped jeans and kissed along the seam of his expensive underwear, stroking over his lean thighs in the process.

“You're gorgeous, fuck.”

The black-haired man didn't reply and only exhaled heavily, visibly strained. Long fingers stayed in Hoseok’s hair and pulled him a little closer, lips almost grazing Kyungwon’s obvious erection.

“I'm fucking dying, Hoseok, less talking, more sucking please, fuck,” he cursed and bit down on his cheek, eyes closing with a soft groan.

_He's eager as fuck but doesn't want to show it?_

Hoseok grinned and undressed the other man completely, helping him out of his jeans and underwear. As soon as Kyungwon was beautifully naked, he took the other man's erection into his mouth, sucking on the tip before deepthroating him all the way. Kyungwon needed to crack and Hoseok was glad to help.

“Shit,” the black-haired man almost yelled, and bent in half slightly. He was holding onto Hoseok’s hair like it was the key to sanity. Pulling himself back into an upright position, Kyungwon inhaled sharply and closed his eyes, either exhaling all at once or not breathing at all, holding the much needed oxygen in his lungs. “Don't fucking test me, fuck.”

“I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a threat,” Hoseok commented and slid the tip of Kyungwon's gorgeous erection along his bottom lip before taking him back and repeating the whole thing only with humming and swallowing around the other man's dick.

“Shit, Jesus, you're- doing this on purpose, aren't you?” the black-haired man mumbled and bit down on his lower lip so hard it must have hurt. Kyungwon’s face was beautifully blushed, pink tint making him resemble Hyungwon much more than he usually did, spreading downwards along his neck. Whenever his big, brown eyes opened there was only a hint of the cherry oak color, completely succumbing to the black of the pupil that had taken over. “My endurance sucks right now, fuck.”

He was gorgeous and if Hoseok had a weak spot then it was blush accompanied by black eyes wanting more. Shit.

“How do you want me, babe? I'm going to give you everything you like, you're so stunning it fucks with my head, fuck,” he groaned and let Kyungwon bury himself deeper, relaxing his throat and moaning.

His boyfriend had begun to breathe with his mouth open, harsh inhales and exhales interrupted by the occasional moan that the other man wasn't able to suppress.

“I want fucking everything, Hoseok. Fuck me with a plug, I wanna see you go mad, shit,” Kyungwon muttered and moved on his own, hips snapping forward while he held Hoseok’s head in place through the grip on his hair. “I'll let you play with me later too. You have a toy collection, don't you?”

He nodded, licking over his lips and remembering how fucking amazing it felt to orgasm while plugged.

“Give me five minutes and we're ready to go,” he answered and got up on his feet, placing a kiss on Kyungwon’s abused lips. “Wait for me in the bedroom, you can choose the plug. I have black and grey ones.” He grinned and walked towards the bathroom.

“Don't regret it later,” Kyungwon whispered but he barely managed his typical grin with how heavily he was panting, hands curled around the backrest of one of the kitchen chairs.

_You told him that you'll let him plug you._

There was nothing dramatic about that, the ten seconds of friction were worth it.

Cleaning up, he thought about the last time he had cleaned up and it was to let Hyungwon suck him off with a plug, which had been weeks ago. Hoseok stepped out of the shower, looking into the mirror to confirm that he looked good. That had never been something he was self-conscious about.

_It's the insides that suck._

Sighing, he didn't bother to dry himself properly and moved towards their bedroom, opening the door and finding Kyungwon lying on the bed with one hand lazily curled around his own erection, giving it almost torturous strokes while he used the other to coat the plug he had chosen with lube. It was the black one.

“Black will suit you,” the black-haired man commented and looked up, eyes instantly jumping from his chest, to his firm thighs and his half-hard dick before they returned to his face. “You look like a whole fucking meal and shit, I'm hungry.”

“I see you had time to calm down a little, it's fine, it won't take long.” He moved, slowly crawling on the bed and smiling brightly. “Give it to me.”

Kyungwon didn't hesitate for longer than a second, instantly handing him the toy and chewing on his cheek. He wasn't as composed as he pretended to be, endless legs shivering the tiniest bit.

“Huh, I thought you wanted to plug me. You really want to miss your chance like this?” Licking over his lips, Hoseok lay down, resting his head against the headboard and spread his legs. He let his hand travel along his chest and over his stomach, drawing his v-line with his fingers and dancing over his inner thighs.

“Fuck, I'll do it,” Kyungwon hissed and instantly crawled between his legs, nibbling on the skin of his inner thighs and leaving faint rose-colored marks. “Your body is just distracting. Lemme get a feel for you first though. You don't have a twin brother whose body I know by heart.”

_Fair enough._

“Hmm? Sure, I mean I just inhale and the discomfort disappears after a couple of seconds, so it'll be fine.” He could handle pain pretty well, so he doubted that Kyungwon would've fucked up.

“I actually meant something slightly different by ‘getting a feel’ but well,” the other man commented and placed another kiss to Hoseok’s pale thigh before taking his erection into his mouth and letting it hit his throat.

_Wait._

“If you meant putting your limbs into my ass then you better be fucking nervous because I've never let anyone near it and I'll kill you if it sucks,” Hoseok groaned and grabbed a fistful of Kyungwon's black hair.

The other man let go of his erection and looked up.

“I intended on doing what I told you, find where it feels good for you and keep my fingers perfectly still and pressing while sucking your dick, but if you oppose I won't, simple as that.” Kyungwon moistened his lips and licked over the tip of Hoseok’s dick like a cat, once along the slit before doing it again.

”I’ve only ever done it myself, that's why it's new, but- go ahead, I told you that I'll let you do everything you like.”

_He wants to do it and if he wants it he should get it._

There was nothing teasing on Kyungwon’s facial expression any more when he nodded slowly and placed another kiss to Hoseok’s thigh.

“Just tell me when you feel uncomfortable,” he whispered and closed his plump lips around Hoseok’s dick again, sucking his way down until it hit the back of his throat. Hoseok could hear the cap of a bottle opening on the side before Kyungwon increased his efforts and sucked harshly while making his way up and down his dick.

He moaned at the sensation but the knowledge that the other man would breach his body with his fingers stayed behind and didn't let him enjoy it to the fullest.

_You need to relax, Hoseok, it'll be torture if you don't._

Sucking in a breath he relaxed his muscles and tried to control his breathing pattern along with the sounds that had been leaving his mouth.

Kyungwon instantly read his body language as a thin fingertip began circling his entrance before slowly pushing against it and breaching him with barely any resistance. The action was accompanied by a strong suck of Kyungwon’s lips around him and a deep hum. A few more seconds passed during which the black-haired man slipped a little deeper and finally pressed down on the sensitive spot inside of him. The black-haired man kept his promise, finger remaining perfectly still while the fingertip continuously pressed down, lifted a little and pressed down again.

After a little discomfort he was feeling sparks all over his body, moaning loudly at the sensation.

“Fuck, your lips are heaven.”

Kyungwon hummed again, a deep sound that sent vibrations throughout all of Hoseok’s body, pairing beautifully with the constant pressure inside of him. The black-haired man let go of his dick for a few seconds and looked up, lips swollen and a gorgeous red color.

_How did you deserve this, Hoseok?_

“Do you want more of that?” he asked and licked over the tip of Hoseok’s dick again. “You excite me like a fucking teenager, Hoseok.”

“I want more of you, whatever you decide to give me, fuck,” he hissed and threw his head back at the rubbing sensation against the sensitive spot inside him. The unpleasantness returned for a few seconds as Kyungwon added another finger before bliss washed over him again, pleasure drowning his whole body and tight lips around his dick driving him mad. Kyungwon’s hot breath was tickling his abdomen whenever the black-haired man exhaled harshly in between strong sucks.

“I want you, fuck, I want you, Kyungwon, let me make you scream, I want to see you lose yourself, please,” he groaned and curled his fingers around the other man's shoulders, tightening his grip.

Kyungwon hummed against his erection and carefully removed his fingers, obviously reducing the friction as much as possible.

“This will be a bit more now,” he murmured and reached next to him as the sound of the bottle of lube opening entered Hoseok’s ears again. “You're gorgeous, Hoseok, fuck- you'll be the death of me.” Hoseok could feel how something pushed against his entrance slightly, just when Kyungwon let his dick hit the back of his throat again. Just when Hoseok relaxed after a particularly nice suck, accompanied by a hum, the friction returned, short unpleasantness that faded with the way his boyfriend moved up and down his dick. A few more bobs of the other man's pretty head and Kyungwon let him go with a last lick over his slit.

“Fuck me, Hoseok,” the black-haired man hissed and looked up, eyes black and lips blood red. He looked impossibly affected, blush even stronger than it had been before and pink tongue repeatedly wetting his lips.

He was absolutely gorgeous and Hoseok wanted to be close, so close that there was no space anymore. No space for misunderstandings, pain or doubts. Just their connected bodies and nothing else.

He took Kyungwon's lean body, pulling it on top of himself and turned them, ravishing the other man's neck and chest. The movements were accompanied by tiny sparks due to the toy inside his body.

“Fuck, I love how your dick twitches from the way it feels. I want it inside of me, babe,” Kyungwon murmured against his open mouth and nibbled on his bottom lip. Lean arms were curled around his neck as the black-haired man spread his legs and crossed them behind Hoseok’s muscular back. Long fingers were digging into the muscles of his shoulders, scratching along them. “Shit, fucking do it already, I can't take it anymore.”

_Do it, Hoseok._

“I will give you everything you want, Kyungwon.” Hoseok lubed up and pressed his tip against the other man's entrance, waiting for him to relax. After a couple of exhales, he pushed himself in slowly.

“Shit, you're so fucking hard, fuck my life,” the black-haired man muttered, whole body contracting around him until he finally relaxed again, allowing Hoseok to push inside to the brim. The warm skin of Kyungwon’s thighs were flush against his hips. Kyungwon was gorgeous, head thrown back and hands grabbing Hoseok’s buttcheeks, pulling him even closer. “I want to feel you, move babe, make me forget myself.”

_He never wants to forget himself. He wants to be in control. Always._

The change felt weird, but he couldn't concentrate on that fact, instead there were hands on his ass making him feel more sparks and he moved out, trying some sensual hip rolls before thrusting into the familiar body with force, feeling overwhelmed at the doubled sensations.

Kyungwon moaned, sound loud and clear and filling the acoustic space around them. The other man was keeping his eyes closed, as if he focused on the feeling that each thrust produced in him on its own, setting his body on fire.

“Fuck, you feel so good, Hoseok. Go all out, fuck me into oblivion.” The black-haired man sounded breathless as he encouraged Hoseok’s thrusts with the way he pulled him closer and uncrossed his long legs. “Let me put my legs over your shoulders, or fuck me on all fours, I don't care.”

He grabbed the other man's beautiful, lean calves and put them on his shoulders, leaning in and thereby bending Kyungwon to improve the angle. Testing it out once and getting the desired feedback he went all out, going crazy at the pressure inside him that combined with the pleasure building up continuously.

“Fuck, fucking hell, Hoseok,” Kyungwon cursed repeatedly and scratched over his skin, motion of his nails still perceivable even when it was over. The other man was almost screaming with the way he held onto Hoseok’s body with his long, slim fingers and drowning in each perception that Hoseok blessed him with. The black-haired man's lips remained parted, allowing every sound of pleasure to leave his mouth unrestrained, echoing through the room. “I want you, Hoseok, I want you so much, I'm fucking dying.”

“You have me, Kyungwon, fuck you have no idea how much you occupy all of me,” he groaned back and pulled out, grabbing the other man by the waist and pulling him up to lift his body in the air. He used the fact that Kyungwon held onto his neck and pressed his tip against the other man's entrance, letting him slide down smoothly.

“Shit, you have no fucking idea what you are doing to me, none at all.” The black-haired man seemed so out of it, words leaving his mouth fluently while his eyes remained shut, ragged breaths leaving his lips. “Give it to me, Hoseok, fucking please, do it.”

_Since when does he say please? Holy fuck._

He didn't know but it also didn't matter because it drove him crazy and he wanted to give Kyungwon everything. Which he did, rolling his hips at an insane pace and intensity to hit right, while holding the other man's body in an iron grip.

It didn't take long until he could feel the warm tightness around him pulling him in even further. Nails scratched along his back and teeth settled in the skin of his shoulder as Kyungwon released himself with a scream of his name.

He was beautiful, so crazily beautiful it almost took his ability to breathe properly, even though he needed the air desperately. Walking back, he sat down on the edge of the bed while keeping Kyungwon on his lap and dying because of the plug. He pulled a few tissues out of the box on the right and wiped over their bodies before placing kisses on the other man's sweaty forehead, his cheeks and lips.

“Come on, you can go ahead,” Kyungwon whispered and moved his body up, almost letting Hoseok slip out of him. Chewing on his bottom lip, he sank down with a rough motion, purposefully contracting around Hoseok’s dick. “I want to feel you come inside of me again while you're losing your senses.”

“Okay,” Hoseok whispered after kissing his plump lips once. He pulled out and let Kyungwon lay on his back again, pushing himself back in right after. He moved fast and rough, feeling how his orgasm built up like an earthquake and crashed down on him like a fucking tsunami, clouding his senses and flooding his perceptions through the long build-up and the additional plug. He moaned Kyungwon’s name, probably for the first time since they'd slept together, but it just happened.

The gorgeous man was watching him, eyes wide open and lips parted like he couldn't believe what he had just witnessed. Kyungwon looked utterly fascinated as his teeth slowly settled on his bottom lip and he nibbled on it. The arms around Hoseok’s neck pulled him down until their lips touched, warm and soft, hot tongue licking into his mouth.

“You're not real, Hoseok,” Kyungwon murmured and shifted a little, harsh breaths leaving his chest without a break.

He leaned down, propping up on his elbows to not squish him too much and licked into his mouth, it was warm and somehow reassuring, a few sweat drops fell on the other man's beautiful face and he wiped them with the back of his hand.

Kyungwon closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, as if to calm himself. The other man looked ethereal when he did that, black eyelashes throwing pretty shadows over his cheeks and round nose making his facial features even softer.

“I really needed that,” he murmured eventually and opened his eyes again, gorgeous smile on his lips. “Thanks for letting me touch you, I fucking loved it.”

“Let me take care of you, you said no discussions while balls deep,” he murmured and smiled, preparing tissues to pull out and wiped the other man's thighs and cheeks while placing small kisses on his thighs.

_Habits die hard._

“I'm probably a cum-bank now, especially after you had a prostate orgasm,” Kyungwon remarked and rolled his eyes, spreading his legs a little wider to aid Hoseok in cleaning up and throwing his head on the soft pillows at the same time. It seemed intentional with how he covered his eyes with his right arm, only his lips remaining visible. “But you- you said my name. That's a first.”

_It must've been important to him, but you didn't know._

“I had no idea that it was important to you, I just- it's a little tricky, I didn't want to accidentally say the wrong thing, so I preferred to not say anything at all.”

“It's not important as such- I mean,  I usually just used sweet names for people to not call them by your name, but it didn't work when I got drunk.” Kyungwon laughed loudly and brushed through his hair, long fingers roughing up the carefully styled strands, probably still from work. “Hyungwon is probably coming home soon, isn't he?”

“Don't know, I don't know what time it is, I just know that you're here and I want to hold you.” Wiping one last time over Kyungwon's butt, he reached behind himself and pulled out the plug with a hiss at the uncomfortable feeling. “Now I can hold you.” He let himself fall on top of the sheets and curled both arms around Kyungwon's lean body, pressing him closer even though it was pretty warm.

The black-haired man didn't say anything and merely curled his whole body around him, holding on tight and burying his face in his shoulder, breaths still a little irregular. Kyungwon’s arms were tight around his neck, it seemed a little desperate even, like he didn't want to let go.

“I'll stay the night,” he whispered eventually.

“Mhm, please do.” Hoseok stroked over the other man's black hair and placed another kiss on his forehead before intertwining their legs. “Did something happen? Something you want to talk about?”

Kyungwon’s whole body turned rigid, much like Hyungwon's when Hoseok asked something uncomfortable, something that was difficult to talk about.

“Actually. it's just the same as always, responsibilities crashing down on me and trying to ruin my life. Nothing special,” Kyungwon murmured and stroked along Hoseok’s back. His fingers were warm and moved without a clear goal, just endlessly drawing circles.

“You- you were different today, I'd even say not like yourself, I thought that something must've happened. Which responsibilities try to ruin your life the most?” he asked and didn't hesitate to kiss more caramel-colored skin.

“My parents,” the black-haired man replied before chuckling, but it sounded bitter.

_Well, it's the same for you, just that they're not responsibilities. Not anymore._

“Yes, Hyungwon told me that you're the one who deals with them. What do they want from you?” Kyungwon felt like shit and he wanted him closer, so he curled his arms tighter around his waist.

“Well-" Hoseok could basically feel how his boyfriend pulled the bits of control and strength he had from his reserves to protect himself from his next words, nonchalance painfully faked. “It's the usual, they are back in the country and feel like they can make demands, watching me hold onto something until my mother takes her beautifully polished, blood red Louboutin heels and steps on my hand. It's so that I let go or do what they say. It's always the same, so I'm technically used to it, used to being drowned in praise but have no fucking choice in what I want to do. I'm not even surprised.”

Kyungwon laughed suddenly but it almost hurt to hear. “Never thought I would say this, but at this point I suddenly understand Kihyun, fuck.”

_Kihyun?_

“Why would you understand Kihyun? They want you to give up something you like? Why don't you have a choice?” Hoseok stroked over his hair and leaned in to kiss his lips tenderly.

_He's not okay. Not okay at all, fuck._

Kyungwon groaned and brushed through his hair as he did a lot, pulling the loose strands upwards above his forehead and keeping them there.

He glanced at the ceiling, eyes attentive and a beautiful brown color, unlike the black that they had drowned in before.

“Because in one way or another I'm still dependent and they grab those tiny threads and pull me like a fucking dog on a leash. But I can't help it, so they are out to ruin my life. Sad story,” Kyungwon murmured and sighed. “I'm so glad that Hyungwon can do what he likes, and they leave him the fuck alone.”

“I don't want them to ruin your life, I don't want anyone to make you miserable, why would they try to ruin your life? I mean I'm not a good example for being independent of other people's demands, but is it not possible to break away from it?” Hoseok placed soft kisses along Kyungwon's neck while speaking and roamed over the other man's back.

“It's always the same, Hoseok. You know that they don't want to ruin my life, they think they are doing the best for me like every damn parent out there.” Kyungwon curled up further, legs remaining tight around Hoseok’s body and exhaled sharply. “You know, it's always priorities. I could just fuck everything and tell them to stuff their money up their asses, but I can't, I care too much.”

“I don't think my parents wanted the best for me, they wanted the best for themselves, but it's probably different for you. Do they try to blackmail you or what?” He sounded bitter because he remembered all the times his dad had told him that his mom just wanted him to grow up like a proper human. Bullshit.

“Yeah, it's the usual, want to keep the lifestyle? Do this. Want to be independent and be left alone? Do this. It's always the same,” Kyungwon muttered and he sounded utterly defeated although he should have been angry. “I don't care about a lot of things, but unfortunately financial security is one of the few exceptions.”

_So they blackmail him with money._

“I know that it doesn't mean anything, but I'd love you without money and without your Porsche.” It sounded dumb and cliché, but it was the truth. He would've taken Kyungwon if the other man had abandoned everything including his fake shell. He hoped that he would abandon his fake shell, he loved the glimpse he had of the other man's personality that was behind all those sarcastic comments.

The black-haired man laughed loudly. “That's really sweet, but it's not just about me, Hoseok. Do you think Hyungwon could just do whatever he wants, if there wasn’t the financial background for it, the possibility to still buy food even if he did nothing? He has enough shit to deal with and money shouldn't be part of it and after everything I did I'm not willing to give this up, Hoseok.”

“You don't have to, I just want you to be happy. I'm making enough money, Hyungwon and me haven't touched your parent’s money for ages. But I see what you mean,” he murmured and buried his face in Kyungwon’s hair that smelled like expensive shampoo.

“You mean after buying a location for the dancing school and furnishing everything,” the black-haired man replied and sighed. “I know, Hoseok. I know that it would also work without, but I'd much rather have it. Before it didn't matter, that's why I did finance and it's fine, I'm good at it. I'm fine with fulfilling expectations and having benefits in return, even if they are heartless assholes. But now they want me to change jobs and work for them and it's like signing a fucking slavery contract. I'll be fine, I just need to figure out how to get around this.”

_Oh god._

“Oh my god don't do this, I know it's not my place to say anything, but it'll be hell.” He stood up and pulled Kyungwon up with him, curling his arms around the other man's slim waist to lift him up. “Let's go take a shower.”

The other man chuckled at the treatment and held on.

“You're handling me like a rag doll, big boy,” he said with a laugh but held on, one eyebrow raised. “I'll try not to, I just need to figure out how. It drives me mad and makes me want to choke somebody, preferably my dad.”

“No, I'm treating you like someone I love,” he muttered and carried the black-haired man to the bathroom, earning another raised eyebrow.

“I love you too,” Kyungwon replied and pressed their lips together, long fingers pulling at his hair a little. “And now you can let me down because I have a pair of perfectly functional legs. Unless you intend on fucking me again, tiger. I might reconsider then.”

Hoseok couldn't help the anger at the unnecessary pet name, letting Kyungwon go immediately.

“Ah there you are. Welcome back,” he hissed and walked towards the shower cabin without looking back. Turning on the water, he shuddered at the cold but accommodated after a couple of seconds.

“What the hell is up with you? Suddenly playing the strong man and showering cold?” Kyungwon asked with a teasing tone and ripped the door open, switching the water to medium temperature, not warm yet but also not freezing.

Kyungwon was back to his teasing self, hiding everything behind a mask of provocation.

“I'm just disappointed. It's okay.” He poured shampoo into his palm and washed his hair, not looking at the other man next to him.

“You’re disappointed? What the fuck did I do for you to be disappointed?” Kyungwon muttered but didn't touch him. The other man grabbed the bottle of shower gel next to Hoseok’s head and began foaming his body. “Are you sad that I don't want to be carried around?”

_Because you let him touch you and opened up and he just starts provoking you just because you care for him._

“No, just be all independent and dominant, it's fine, not that I didn't know what I was going for.” Rinsing out the shampoo, he pulled the shower gel out of Kyungwon's hands and squeezed some into his palm, scrubbing his thighs and stomach.

“You make it sound like I'm a fucking disease,” Kyungwon hissed and slapped his thigh. The black-haired man was being quick, like he wished to reduce the time in the shower, shampoo following as quickly as the shower gel had until he opened the door and grabbed one of the towels that Hyungwon kept only for him.

“You're a fool,” he groaned and let water run over his face and body, turning it a little colder to calm down a little. After a few seconds, he stepped out and dried himself, walking into the bedroom naked.

“Your body is otherworldly,” Kyungwon commented while slipping into his ripped jeans, golden skin disappearing behind fabric. He still seemed a little angry with how he chewed his cheek. “What do you want to do until Hyungwon comes?”

“Why? Don't know what to do with me if it isn't sex?” he spit out and pulled his underwear and jeans over his butt, abandoning the t-shirt. He liked running around without much clothing anyway.

“You mean to tell me that I only want you for sex?” Kyungwon laughed. “Sure, Hoseok, I tortured myself for a whole fucking year because I wanted your fucking dick, asshole.” He looked furious, eyebrows pulled together and fists clenched at his sides.

“Nope, I'm not telling you that. Why would you need me for sex if you could literally have anybody else?” Hoseok elaborated and walked towards the kitchen, placing a coffee cup under the coffee machine.

“How the fuck would I know? You're the one who gets all upset just because I asked you for your fucking opinion on what you would like to do.” The black-haired man's voice was low as he followed, throwing himself on top of one of the chairs. He had managed to pull his loose t-shirt over his head in the meantime. “Are you suddenly only nice when you fuck me? Is that how your brain works? Or did you suddenly forget that I'm not Hyungwon, kissing my legs and all?”

Hoseok wanted to punch him. Or cry.

“Fuck you, Kyungwon,” he whispered and put another cup under the machine.

The other man just exhaled roughly and crossed his legs, throwing his head back such that he could stare at the ceiling.

_Get a grip, Hoseok. He can do whatever he wants._

“I normally dance when no-one is home.” Placing the full cup on the table in front of Kyungwon, he turned to get the milk out of the fridge.

“You dance? So that's what you and Hyungwon bond over?” Kyungwon asked, voice a little higher. The comment must have surprised him. “All by yourself? I thought you just listen to jazz in the kitchen like an intellectual.”

“Mh? No. I danced a lot before I started studying, I even wanted to do something with dance before reality hit me. My style is different from Hyungwon's, but we have a lot in common.” He was finally able to smite, remembering that Kyungwon didn't fucking owe him anything.

“You sure do,” the black-haired man murmured and brushed through his hair again. “I don't really dance much. I hate it.” Hoseok wasn't quite sure why, but the words didn't sound truthful, more like Kyungwon preferred not to talk about dancing, putting the topic aside like a used pair of shoes. “Hyungwon and you fit like the lid on top of a pot, fucking perfectly.”

_He's bitter for no fucking reason._

“Why would you hate it? Sounds like a three-year-old who got upset. And I just said that our dancing style has similarities, we deal with things very differently, Hyungwon opens up fast and I'm a shell that never cracks no matter how much you try.” He jumped on top of the counter and took a sip out of his cup.

“Sounds familiar,” Kyungwon whispered and bit down on his cheek, not looking at him. “We had this talk before, just about me.”

“Ah, this talk. Well, you don't need to open up if you don't want to. You can just call me tiger and pull my hair for your personal comfort, I'm sure I'll be able to handle this much from you.” He leaned back against one of the overhead cupboards and took a big gulp of the lukewarm liquid.

Kyungwon stared at him, knuckles white and lips pursed.

“I'm playful, Hoseok, I can't fucking play Hyungwon. It worked back then, but it doesn't work all the fucking time. I'm teasing, so what? You hate it? Then why did you say that you love me, you asshole?” The black-haired man looked furious with a mixture of hurt, eyes wide instead of the way his eyebrows pulled together. “I use a sweet name for you? You call Hyungwon ‘babe’ all the fucking time and didn't even bother to call me by my fucking name until today.”

It didn't make sense. The things Kyungwon said just didn't fit. The other man got defensive immediately and tried to throw Hoseok's own flaws at him for no particular reason.

_He's probably right._

“I said that I loved you because it's how I feel. You don't have to play Hyungwon, I'm sorry, I have no fucking right to tell you what to do and how to act. Just- I think I need to get some air.” He felt the lump in his throat moving up, just like the tears that almost made their way past his eyelids as he jumped down and walked past Kyungwon towards the hallway, grabbing a random shirt from a chair and pulling it over his head.

_Who told you that you can be demanding only because Hyungwon told you that you're not trash to make you feel better. You're still trash._

_Why does he even bother? It's useless._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

The doorbell rang and filled the silent loft with sound, unexpected and almost deafening with how quiet it usually was. Kyungwon liked the quiet, but not the loneliness.

He had just returned from work and was about loosen his tie. For a short moment Kyungwon wanted to jump up, to run down the stairs and throw himself into the other man's arms, tell him how much he had missed him and that he had thought about visiting and wanted to but there just hadn't been enough time and strength after a filled work day. It was bullshit, but it didn't make him sound as weak as he was when it came to the other man.

Instead of all of the above he left the tie in place and clicked the small button with the key on it, waiting for beautiful blonde hair to appear on the top of his stairs. But it didn't.

There was just short grey hair, a black suit and a familiar sunken face, smiling a little at the sight of his face.

“Good evening, Kyungwon,” the middle-aged man remarked and placed his hand on top of the door that Kyungwon had been holding.

_As if you're going to close it in his face._

Kyungwon might have, that was probably the reason for his mother's driver to make sure and hold onto it. If the driver was there, the one in command couldn't be far.

“I'm guessing mother is back,” he murmured and turned around to slip into his Budapests. His hair was still styled fine and he adjusted a few strands that might have disturbed the woman he was about to meet without any preparation.

He didn't know the driver too well and wasn't familiar with his name either, his mother had changed driver in the past year and Kyungwon had successfully kept the contact minimal. It was easier when his parents weren't in the country most of the time, going around the world for business.

“You don't need to wait for me, I'll be coming down,” he murmured but the elderly man didn't seem to get the drift, remaining stuck in place like a fucking shovel at the graveyard.

Once he found his fitted suit jacket that he had thrown on a random chair, he grabbed his essentials and ran down the stairs. The sound of the apartment door closing and steps behind him was good enough to know that his mother had no interest in the state of his living space for once.

_It has to get boring at some point after all._

The black Bentley was standing at the side of the street, basically screaming at him not to enter it but that must have been conditioning, negative experiences that had piled up.

_Just get it over with and be happy when she's abroad again._

The driver was suddenly next to him as if he had never left and opened the door, gesturing for him to enter. He did, climbing on the backseat next to his mother. She hadn't changed much in the past year and a half. She wore a black and white dress, could've been Yves Saint Laurent, and ridiculously high heels, forcing her knees to lift up several centimeters above the car seat. Her big brown eyes were focused outside of the window as if she didn't want to show interest until it was absolutely necessary. It was her way to seem important, she had always done that.

Kyungwon sighed and followed the curve of her plump lips, drawn with a dark coral color. It made her seem scary somehow, but it could have also been his mind evaluating everything connected to his mother as worrisome or dangerous. It was a little childish.

“Good evening, mother,” he said loud enough for her to hear and watched the way one corner of her lips moved up. He also did it sometimes and hated every second of it.

_Like you're above them which you're not. And she isn't above you either._

“Oh, Kyungwon, I missed you so much,” the woman in front of him exclaimed and stretched out her slim arms, one corner of her lips remaining lifted. He could feel his whole body tense up at the sight, like a paralysis that he had to fight to accept the embrace. His mother's hands were cold, resting at his shoulders for a few seconds before she let go and grabbed his face instead. “I kept thinking about how we left you all on your own here, dealing with work that is much below your qualifications and taking care of Hyungwon although he already has a poor boy to do it for him.”

Her words sounded warm, with just the right bit of emotion at the fitting moments but his blood ran cold at the content. It made him furious to hear her talk like that about Hyungwon, like he was just a weight he had to carry.

_She wants something. She hasn't bothered to call the whole past year apart from through her secretary and now she suddenly missed you._

“Mmh,” he hummed and moved backwards, hoping for her to let go of his face. She didn't.

“You're working for this company and it's just a waste of potential, Kyungwon. You know that you're better than this, your father has just opened a new branch in Berlin and it would be perfect for you. Why don't you just drop all of this nonsense and move to Berlin, mh?”

_No._

Kyungwon forced his face to remain neutral as his fingers clenched into fists at his sides, heartbeat hammering in his chest almost painfully.

“I prefer it in Amsterdam, mother. I enjoy the work I do here, and I'd rather work my way upwards instead of disappointing father too early.” It seemed safe, to argue with his own faults and non-existent insecurities to make her give up the idea. He couldn't leave Hyungwon behind.

_Hoseok, you can't be without Hoseok._

“It's not about what you enjoy and prefer but about what's best for you, Kyungwon and you know perfectly well that you would get a better position in Berlin. Stop this nonsense. We have already bought a lovely house for you, relatively central and large enough to make it much better than that loft you live in.” The tone had changed drastically, warmth dissipating into nothing and leaving room for increasing disappointment, hurt even.

_Like you're breaking her heart by saying no._

Luckily Kyungwon has been immune to that for a long time already.

“But the loft is the place I have chosen for myself and enjoy living in, mother. I don't know how well Hyungwon would take me moving away and I don't want to risk it. I want to stay close.” It sounded final in his ears, voice lower than he usually spoke and eyes focused on the way his mother's lower lip trembled when she got angry.

“Don't you think that you have it too good over here? Maybe it's time to see you actually work for your money, Kyungwon. Do you think it's easy to have all this? It doesn't rain from the sky, darling. All of this,” his mother gestured around the car, “needs a lot of sacrifice and it seems like your father and I are the only ones willing to make them. Do you think I went through the two of you ruining my body just to have one drown in his own ridiculous thoughts and the other defy me like a three-year-old? You have no idea what it's like to work for yourself, Kyungwon and I know it, I know that you're scared of being completely independent although you want to be. You can tell yourself whatever you want but as soon as I turn off that card of yours, you'll come crawling and begging me for forgiveness.” Cold fingers stroked over his head like a calming gesture while the words were poison this time, freezing the blood in his veins.

“I'll think about this,” he forced out and blindly fumbled for the car door, opening it and walking back into the building as fast as he could, panic rising in his throat.

_You have no fucking choice, you have to leave._

It felt like bile was moving up his throat, sickening feeling spreading throughout his whole body and making his fingers shiver.

He had to talk to somebody, to Hyungwon, but the other man wouldn't have been able to take it, not the fact that Kyungwon might have to leave and not the fact that their mother was a much more vicious person than he remembered.

He ran up the stairs and opened the door, closing it roughly and pressing his back against it while slowly sliding down.

_You need to distract yourself, think about something else, forget about it._

His mother's words still repeated in his ears, threatening to take everything that was dear to him to make him obey.

_You need to forget, at least for a short moment._

He needed to see Hoseok.

 

_

 

Mistakes were scary. One moment everything seemed under control and warm arms surrounded him, keeping him safe and low voice whispering sweet words into his ear, confessions and encouragement to solve his problems. But then the next moment came and the control slipped from his fingers like liquid honey, dripping to the ground and only leaving the harsh words that had just left his lips and the broad figure of the man he loved disappearing through the kitchen door.

_What have you done, Kyungwon?_

The same feeling of dread returned that he had felt when he ran up the stairs after seeing his mother, the same sensation of despair and the inability to make it disappear, to solve it.

_You can't open up and push it on him, like a fucking coward._

Hoseok wasn't the coward among them, the one who was afraid to get hurt. Kyungwon was, he was always fucking afraid of opening up, of getting hurt and of showing his real self, his weaknesses.

_Because everyone could just get up and fucking step on them, force you to do things like she does._

Biting down on his lower lip he jumped up and ran after the other man, much like the time he had left at Kihyun's place.

_He's blaming himself and you just confirmed it like a fucking fool, because you're too afraid to admit that you're scared. You idiot._

Hoseok was slipping into his shoes quietly, while his hands shook quite a bit despite the easy action. Kyungwon swallowed and reached out, grabbing the other man's shivering fingers with his own and chewing on his cheek.

“Fuck, I'm sorry, Hoseok. I'm an idiot. I don't fucking know why I'm doing this,” he whispered and couldn't help the fear that crawled up his throat.

“No, you're right, who the fuck am I to tell you how you have to behave towards me? I should be happy and not hurt you again for no fucking reason. I love Hyungwon, but the things you tell me sound more like the truth. Thank you for that.” The other man's voice broke and he chuckled for no reason.

_Shit, you broke him, Kyungwon, you fucking broke him like a heartless piece of shit._

_Like your mother._

He gasped and couldn't help the way his grip tightened, desperation making its way into his actions. Hoseok sounded so resigned, like it was a fact that couldn't be changed.

“No, I just spilled bullshit because I'm a fucking coward, Hoseok. I'm the coward because I'm just terrified I'll get hurt again, like she hurts me all the time. I'm just scared although it's stupid and I know you wouldn't hurt me. Fuck- I'm sorry, Hoseok. I don't even know why I said that, you didn't even hurt me, I'm just- I'm so fucking scared.” His eyes burned from the fear that he had done something that couldn't be erased, the exact reason for rarely opening up.

_Because you'll die inside if he leaves you now._

“She? Your mother? See, we have something in common,” Hoseok whispered but still didn't remove his gaze from the ground, fingers rubbing over his shoe repeatedly as if it made the conversation less heavy.

“She-" Kyungwon swallowed and pulled Hoseok towards himself, so that he could curl his arms around the other man and make the conversation easier. He was always like this, in need of contact although he should be a fucking adult. “She knows all my weaknesses and just waits for the right moment to pull them out of her sleeve and hurt me, step on my fucking lungs with those shoes of hers. She knows exactly what she has to say to hurt me, to make me do as she says and actually I should be immune to it, but- fuck- it just- I just can't fucking do it.”

“We're so much more similar than you think,” the blonde man murmured and leaned back. “But this makes me sad, so fucking sad, shit.” Suddenly tears rolled down Hoseok's pale cheeks, dropping on his shirt and soaking it.

_You made him cry, Kyungwon. First you made Hyungwon sad by treating him like your toy and now you make Hoseok sad by trying to be all that. Shit._

“Shit, don't cry, Hoseok. It'll be fine, I figured it out before and I'll have to figure it out this time too,” he whispered and pulled the blonde man further into his embrace, pressing his lips to Hoseok’s forehead. “It's okay, it'll have to be. Did I remind you of something? I'm sorry if I did. Please don't cry.”

“I'm sad that you have to go through this, at least my parents don't care about me enough to make my life hell. I'm sorry, Kyungwon, I'm sorry that I'm like this to you, I don't want to be, I really don't. Give me just a little bit of time and I'll get used to it, I promise,” Hoseok spoke fast while his tears didn't stop falling.

“What are you even talking about, Hoseok? What do you mean by being ‘like this’ to me? You’re the only one who keeps me afloat at the moment. I don’t even know what I would have done if I couldn’t have come here,” Kyungwon replied and forced his body to remain composed, to not react to the wet lines on the beautiful man’s face and the way tears soaked his t-shirt. “You managed to pull me back together, but I got scared and closed up like a fucking shell. I’m sorry, I’m the one who doesn’t want to be like this. I want to be myself but I just- I don’t even know why I do this.”

“You're scared and you're not okay and I'm trying to make you feel bad on top of that because of my own fucking insecurities and I'm so sorry, shit.” The blonde man curled his arms around him and pressed him flush against his chest, shivering a little. “Please don't force yourself, I'm okay, it's not because of you, you're amazing and everything I've ever wanted, you really are, I love you so much, Kyungwon, fuck.”

_He’s scared too, you’re not the only one. He’s just as scared, Kyungwon._

The thought was overwhelming, becoming louder and louder in his head as he inhaled the sweet scent of Hoseok’s skin and exhaled shakily, warmth calming his racing heartbeat even if it wasn’t able to calm his thoughts. The other man had the same problems, struggling with demands from the outside and trying to satisfy everything. Kyungwon never had the intention of satisfying anyone but he was too much of a coward to oppose, to lose something that he considered valuable.

_You’re just a coward but he didn’t even get anything in return, Kyungwon, nothing at all._

“I love you too, Hoseok, I love you so much that it sometimes feels like I’m choking when I’m not next to you, swimming in a gigantic lake of hardening cement, barely able to move until my arms finally circle around your shoulders, fuck. I’m so fucking happy that I came and that I was able to talk to you and that you listened to me and that you don’t fucking judge me for not being man enough to tell her to fuck herself. Shit, I just suck at this so bad. I’ve never really learned this whole opening up to people that don’t look like myself thing.” He chuckled, trying to ease the atmosphere but his eyes felt wet, tears collecting at the thought that Hoseok had to deal with all of this shit on his own until he finally managed to tell his mother what he thought and Kyungwon was just crying in his arms, talking about being scared because he didn’t want to lose the support. It was a little pathetic.

“You don't have to, you don't have to do anything with me, Kyungwon. Just stay, it'll be enough.” The other man's voice was barely a whisper when Hoseok lifted his head and leaned in slowly until their lips touched. It tasted salty. Kyungwon had never really kissed like this, emotional and on the verge of crying while the person in front of him looked so desperate, so scared that he would leave.

_Are you even the one who is scared the most?_

“I don’t care what she wants me to do, I can’t leave,” he whispered against the prettily curved lips and pulled Hoseok on top of himself, kissing him intently while he brushed a few stray strands behind the pretty, protruding ear. “I’ll open up, Hoseok,” he pressed their lips together again, “I swear, I want to,” another kiss followed against the wet cheeks, salty just like the other man’s lips. “I really do.”

“I would say the same, but there’s nothing pretty to look forward to.” Hoseok stroked over his hair and stayed on his lap, putting his weight on his own knees to not squish him.

Kyungwon just chuckled at the words, burying his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck and almost melting at the way the other man’s hands felt in his hair. It felt so calming, just the way it should have felt, like everything was going to be fine eventually. He just needed to take a few deep breaths and open his eyes again and everything was going to be just fine, almost solved on its own.

“There is nothing pretty to find behind my shell either, Hoseok. The outside is pretty, why would the inside be all that pretty? Shouldn’t there be fairness in the world. We gotta make a pretty mixture,” he whispered and kept his eyes closed as he licked over Hoseok’s bottom lip, warm and salty. “Isn’t the mixture that makes it exciting? It’s just so fucking hard to crack the shell. Until now I love what I see, it’s exciting and different and I just wish I could help you somehow to feel less scared, just like you are taking my fear right now.”

“It’s the least I should be doing. I shouldn’t have provoked you and I shouldn’t have made you sad and hurt. I’m giving you all the reasons for not sharing with me, I don’t even know why I’m surprised, but it’ll be okay, I will do everything, so it’ll be okay, Kyungwon.” The other man leaned into a deep kiss, grabbing his face with both palms and stroking over his cheeks with his thumbs.

It felt overwhelming, the way Hoseok seemed to throw himself into the contact, into the way their lips touched. Kyungwon swallowed at the way the blonde man said his name, the way it sounded in the room and kept repeating in his ears. It wasn’t meaningful, it shouldn’t have been, but still his chest burned at the sound of it, at the way Hoseok put so much effort into making him feel at ease.

“You know- back then when we were in your kitchen and I talked to you, I actually wanted to confess to you that I had pretended to be Hyungwon. I really wanted to, but I just couldn’t do it. I enjoyed talking to you so much and you just opened up and I didn’t know why but I just opened my mouth and talked about not having any friends and I never do that. But back then it just all rolled out like a stone down a hill. You still make me feel this way, Hoseok. All the fucking time, but I just keep thinking that all of this is so much more serious now, so much more meaningful and one wrong word could make it break like a fucking cracker. I’m just scared to be the boy without friends with the charity card I guess,” he whispered and curled his arms tighter around Hoseok’s waist, pulling their bodies flush against each other and licking into the warm mouth, drowning in the way it set his senses on fire. “After kissing you I figured out for the first time what being close to someone you really love feels like, like a fucking present that you set on fire.”

“I-,” Hoseok started and swallowed a few times before continuing. “I never felt this way over the past year but being with you brought out things I really didn’t want to think about. You make me feel self-conscious. I mean it’s okay, it’s fine, I should be able to deal with it, but I’m just not used to it because Hyungwon never does it. He just accepts me, but I should work on myself, so you’re right.” The other man murmured against his mouth while nibbling on his bottom lip.

“Why do I make you self-conscious? You’re gorgeous and you try so fucking hard. I’ve never seen somebody care so much about another person,” Kyungwon replied, thinking of the way Hoseok had always read Hyungwon’s moods and facial expressions even before he was able to do it, perfectly tuned to him and able to make him feel better in a matter of seconds. “I love you, Hoseok and I don’t think I’ll stop just because you tell me to go fuck myself and my demands.” Kyungwon chuckled at a passing thought. “You technically already told me to go fuck myself and my touchy hands back then.”

“Because it’s fragile, it always returns to the baseline as soon as something goes wrong, if I hurt you or Hyungwon, if I do or say something that I don’t mean, if I don’t do the things you want from me, it always goes back to the one internal truth that’s always there.” Hoseok got quieter the longer he spoke, hands tightening in his shoulders a little. It must’ve been uncomfortable.

“What truth?” Kyungwon licked over his lips, brushing Hoseok’s in the process because they were so close. It felt heavy somehow, the words the other man had spoken and the question that hung in the air, heavy much like the air that left his lungs.

“Well,” a bitter chuckle left the other man’s prettily curved lips. “That I’m someone who should be alone and should work hard for any kind of affection because in the end I don’t deserve any of it. I am so lucky with you both, but to be honest I don’t do enough for it and I don’t deserve any of it because I keep hurting you and I should just stay alone, because that’s how it always was and how it’s supposed to be.” Hoseok’s eyes looked empty somehow, without the usual warmth and emotionality that filled them.

“But couldn’t both of us be thinking the same thing?” Kyungwon asked carefully, genuinely shocked that someone who seemed as strong and composed as Hoseok could have been harboring such self-deprecating thoughts. It returned him right to what Hyungwon had always been saying when they were children, pointing out his worthlessness or the fact that their mother should have given all of the birthday cake to Kyungwon because he had to grow more, be stronger because he was already healthy and needed to stay like that. It was scary.

“I don’t think so, because you have Hyungwon and Hyungwon has you. You both know that you love each other independently of your parents or friends. Who knows, maybe my mom loved me, but it’s also just a speculation because she committed suicide and it could’ve been my fault, so I don’t know for sure, I was too young, and I don’t remember what I did.” Hoseok climbed from his lap and sat down on the wooden floor next to him while staring into nothing.

_Holy shit, Kyungwon. How can you blame him for not acting after he lost two meaningful people while you keep being afraid of being alone?_

And he hadn’t even lost anybody.

_But if his mother has committed suicide, then why would he say that his mother is forcing things upon him, is it mental?_

It didn’t make sense. How could a person that left and that Hoseok hoped loved him remain in his mind and force him into things, it didn’t fit with the way Kihyun had described her and the way Hoseok said he must have been too young.

“But- but who is the woman that forces so much pain on you, Hoseok? Who is she to make you feel this way?” he couldn’t help asking, biting down on his cheek and worried that he might trigger something, pull even more negative thoughts out of the other man and make him miserable.

“She’s the person my father married shortly after my mom died. I was five or six. Changkyun, my brother came shortly after.” There was no emotion in Hoseok’s voice, as if he was reading out some newspaper article.

_It’s a step-mother, she made his life hell because she couldn’t get used to the thought of the proof that her husband must have loved another woman._

Kyungwon barely contained the anger that built up inside of his chest at the thought that a woman like that would have forced Hoseok into such thought patterns, believing that he needed to deserve love, needed to work to be appreciated. Just to never achieve it because nothing would have been enough.

His voice remained stuck in the back of his throat as his hands were shaking and he tried to compose himself, to think about what to say and how to make the man in front of him feel better. It was difficult to bear the sight, to see the way the blonde man stared at absolutely nothing, neither at him nor at himself. It hurt to see the numbness.

Kyungwon placed his warm palm on top of Hoseok’s thigh and inhaled sharply, preparing himself to speak as memories of his own fears clouded his mind, thoughts of how he had felt when he believed Hyungwon to be gone, to have left him just like that because of something he couldn’t fight nor see, something invisible that was stronger than every word he could have uttered in defense.

_That woman even made him doubt the love of his own mother._

“Hoseok, if there is anything that I have learned- over these years of constantly fearing that I would lose my brother to something that I could neither see nor fight, then it is that nothing that you did on the outside was the trigger, nothing that you have said or done could have been the sole trigger for something like that happening, for a person like your biological mother to leave like that,” Kyungwon whispered, overwhelmed by the loss that Hoseok had endured, not only losing his lover but his own mother. It hurt, it hurt to see the usually strong and composed man sit on the ground like a shattered vase, broken in a mass of tiny shards that were barely mendable. Kyungwon wanted to mend him so badly. “Hyungwon loves you independently, I love you independently and so does Kihyun. There are so many people that love you independent of what you do. Even when you didn’t come to me or didn’t visit Hyungwon because he hurt you, both of us loved you the same. It doesn’t change because of something you do, not just like that. Feelings can change, but they don’t need to be deserved, Hoseok.” He reached out and intertwined his long fingers with the blonde man’s pale ones, pressing a kiss to the almost white knuckles.

Suddenly something cracked and Hoseok’s gaze returned to his face, staring at him intently before there were more tears running down his pale cheeks while the other man spoke, voice cracking in the middle.

“I don’t know how to love and be loved, Kyungwon. I have no fucking idea, I just do whatever and hope that it’s the right thing to do, but then I hurt you because I don’t do anything, I hurt you when I do something, it’s just an endless chain of me causing you pain and I can’t fucking do this. You don’t want to open up to me? Actually, that makes so much sense that it hurts, I don’t even know why I got angry at you for that. I must be spoiled by Hyungwon telling me that I’m all that even though I’m still the same trash I was before and I’m fucking sorry, Kyungwon, I should’ve shut the fuck up and be thankful that you still want to be next to me despite everything I’ve done until now.”

Kyungwon didn’t even know what to say to the pain he could read on the blonde man’s lips, from the wide eyes that stared at him like he had to forgive, like Hoseok had committed a crime that needed to be forgiven. It was bullshit, complete and utter bullshit, like Kyungwon was the one who never made a mistake and was always in the right, deserving everything that Hoseok had to offer on a fucking plate.

_You just can’t admit to mistakes, but you make them as much as everybody else._

“That’s bullshit, Hoseok, it’s bullshit and deep inside you must know it,” he murmured and couldn’t help how his hands acted all on their own, cupping Hoseok’s face and brushing away the tears with his thumbs. “I don’t know either, I’ve never been in love before you, Hoseok. I make mistakes too, I believe I’m entitled to get something without giving in return, but that’s not how this works. You can’t just give and give until there’s nothing left, Hoseok. That’s probably what you’ve been doing all your fucking childhood and it’s enough, it’s fucking enough and now it’s time for you to give and receive. I want you to receive everything that you’ve been missing, and I will choke everybody who dares to hurt you like this again, Hoseok. I can’t bear to see it and Hyungwon isn’t spoiling you. To him you are all that and the same is the case for me, I love you and I love you with everything that belongs with it, be it you needing longer to tell me all this or crying in my arms. It’s all fine with me because I just want to be part of it. I love you so much that I feel like I’m going to cry just because I see you like this, hurt because of a selfish woman that wasn’t able to do her fucking job as a parent. I can’t believe she did this to you, I just want to go there and slap her across her fucking face for doing this to you, fuck.” His eyes burned, and he just curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck to keep himself under control and pressed Hoseok as tightly to his body as he could, feeling how the blonde man exhaled roughly at the force.

“But I don’t want to receive anything, I want you, Kyungwon. I want you, but I understand why you don’t want to be comfortable with me. It just hurts and doesn’t go away, fuck,” Hoseok sucked in a long breath, visibly trying to calm down but failing. “I heard you talking to Hyungwon, you were so different, it- I really liked it so much, but then I asked myself why you don’t want to open up, and of course it makes sense, I hurt you so much, why would you bother?”

_What?_

_He heard. He heard it all._

A cold shudder moved down Kyungwon’s back at the realization, at the thought that materialized inside his head and explained the way the usually confident and calm man broke apart in front of him like that, crying in his arms uncontrollably.

_It’s your fault, he’s like this because he thinks that he’s not worth opening up to. You make him feel this way with your behavior._

“Shit, no- Hoseok, that’s- that’s not it at all,” Kyungwon mumbled, scared, so fucking scared that he had already ruined it, ruined it with his own issues and inabilities. “I want to, I want to open up to you so much and it has nothing to do with the way you behave towards me. It’s not- it’s really not because of you, fuck. Why would you even think that? I- fuck, I’ve never felt so disgusted with myself as I do now.” He swallowed and tightened his arms around the muscular shoulders, seeming so much weaker than they usually did, like Hoseok had no strength left to hold himself up, crying uncontrollably. “I can’t fucking control it, it’s like a reflex, one that I have been trying to break for years. Do you think I want to be alone, Hoseok? You saw it! I can’t fucking deal with being alone, but still I push it onto myself, avoiding everybody with the fear that they would find it, find something that hurts me and makes me break. I got into the accident back then because I was emotional, someone got through, pushed down where it hurt. I was tipsy and just jumped on the fucking bike and could neither control my emotions, nor my body. I can’t fucking control it and it’s so hard, but with you I managed back then, I felt so fucking calm talking to you, even if I still pretended that I didn’t mind being alone and that having friends that only want my money was fucking fine. I’m sorry for making you feel this way, I’m sorry. I’ll open up, I didn’t know that- fuck I didn’t know that I’m the one breaking this because I’m a fucking coward. The same thing I keep accusing you of.”

Hoseok pulled him on top of himself and buried his face in the crook of his neck, murmuring against his skin.

“I just wanted you to be happy, I thought that you’d be happy with me, that’s why I told you that I love you, I wouldn’t have done that otherwise, I’m so fucking sorry, Kyungwon.”

“I’m fucking happy with you, Hoseok, shit,” Kyungwon muttered and hugged back as much as he could, scared that Hoseok would decide that he was unhappy just because he was crying like an idiot. He wanted the other man to believe him so bad, to finally understand that he was happy, that he was so much better than he was over the past year, despite everything that kept happening between them. “I am so much happier than last year, I thought I was fucking dreaming when you told me that you loved me, that you really do, but then I was so scared of breaking something, of showing myself and making Hyungwon self-conscious and making you change your mind and fuck. What if we think the same, Hoseok? What if you think there is nothing for me to see behind your shell and I think that if I show myself you’ll think ‘I thought he’s confident, why the fuck is he such a pussy that needs cuddling’? I don’t fucking know what you will think, I’m not in your head, I just make conclusions based on what I know and hope that they are right. Fucking hell, Hoseok. I love you, I love you so fucking much, don’t give this up, fucking please.” His hands were shivering so much that he was worried about letting go of Hoseok’s warm body accidentally, unable to control his own strength.

“We must be similar. I just- I want to open up, but then sometimes you just have this raised eyebrow, as if you’re making fun of me and I think that I shouldn’t be too close because maybe you don’t want it and maybe you just like provoking me, so I snap and go batshit crazy on you. Sure, sometimes I feel like this without you doing anything, but often it’s just like a pattern that runs in the back. I don’t want this to be a pattern, I want to be sure that you want me as much as I want you, Kyungwon. I’m not stroking your hair and kissing your legs because I think that you’re Hyungwon. I do it because it’s the way I show affection.” Hoseok spoke into his skin, sometimes muffling the words while his arms curled tighter around his waist, holding him in place, as if Hoseok was equally scared that he’d leave.

_Maybe you’re just both idiots, misinterpreting each other’s actions and fucking scared to fuck up._

Kyungwon would have laughed if it wouldn’t have been simply crazy and easily misinterpretable. He wanted the man in his arms to know he was in love and wasn’t going anywhere. He was learning that Hoseok obviously felt the same way.

“I lift my eyebrow because I want you to jump me, I love the way you just throw me against a fucking wall and steal my breath away, showing me how much you want me because I have this very childish belief that the more you want me the harder you should be throwing me against a wall. It’s dumb but that’s how my brain works, I get wild when I really like someone- doesn’t happen often and I’ve never really been in love before you. I want you as much as you want me, Hoseok, so fucking much, but I just tend to try to drive you up the wall to make you crack first, to give me proof that I can then reciprocate my feelings. I’m sorry for making you doubt it, for making you feel like you are not enough. You are everything and more, I’ve never wanted anybody as much as I want you to be mine, shit. I also knew that you didn’t think of me as Hyungwon, I’ve seen what that was like, back then. I just wanted to make you angry, to crack so I could crack in response, I’m sorry. I’m the asshole.”

“You’re not. You make me feel and I’m so fucking thankful. I love you and I want you. All of you.” It was crazy how Hoseok curled his whole muscular body around him, holding him close and kissing the skin of his neck during his speech. It was a little bit like Kyungwon imagined an epiphany to feel, like every action suddenly made more sense, every motion and every breath, every word. The blonde man was attached to him, hugging him tightly and littering him with kisses and it felt somehow like he knew what it meant and why he did it. There was not even the wish to drive him up the wall, Kyungwon just wanted to kiss those curved lips and melt, forget himself and have fingers entwined with the strands of his hair.

“I love you too, so fucking much that I don’t even care that we are sitting on the floor in the hallway and crying like idiots,” he whispered and let his hands travel over Hoseok’s back, kissing those curved lips like there was no tomorrow, unwilling to separate and hoping that he could just forget everything around them and feel those hands on his skin until the end of eternity. It sounded cheesy in his head, but he didn’t give a single shit, he would have punched anybody who would have tried to pull him away from Hoseok’s arms. “Would you touch my hair?” he whispered when another warm breath tickled the skin on his neck.

Hoseok hummed softly against his ear and entangled his fingers with the strands of his hair, stroking over his head and massaging his scalp in the process.

“You are absolutely stunning, Kyungwon, I want to stay like this forever.”

“Me too,” he whispered and closed his eyes, feeling his whole body relax at the sensation against his scalp, at the way Hoseok was able to find just the right motions to make him melt like a fucking ice cream in the sun. “You make me give in so easily and I love it, Hoseok, I love everything you do to me. I love the way you feel on my lap and how you eat although I made fun of it all the time. It’s adorable and you could just sit in front of me and eat the whole time and I would probably just stare in awe like an idiot. I’m sorry for closing up so much and pretending to be all that. My dick loves you too, random and less cheesy but equally true.”

“I was really scared. I was scared that after liking me for more than a year you would be disappointed in how I really am and what I’m really like. You were right while calling me a coward, I didn’t want to risk it.” Hoseok resumed his slow movements while holding onto his body as if it was meant to be held by his muscular arms. Kyungwon loved it and chewed his cheek in response, eyes continuously closing at the caresses on his scalp.

“You know, I wouldn’t have dared if I were you either. I would have been just as scared, scared to hurt Hyungwon and scared to break something. I still can’t believe we are doing this and I am allowed to touch you, allowed to tell you that I love you and wish to have you for myself. It feels crazy after all this time of just swallowing it down with a heavy whisky and cum.” Kyungwon coughed at the thought that his words might have been a little too blunt and stroked along Hoseok’s thighs, dipping into the pockets because he wanted to feel more and there was a little less fabric in the way. “Sometimes all of us are cowards, that’s why it’s important that one person manages to kick the others in the ass, maybe even themselves. Funnily enough I think it was Hyungwon this time.”

“Is this- is this about me?” a low voice commented behind them. Hyungwon was standing at the door, dressed in sports clothes with his bag at his feet, eyes wide and staring at them. His brother hadn't even bothered to take off his shoes, merely looking at them while his long fingers remained on the door frame. It was difficult to tell how long he had been standing there, watching them intently while sucking in every word, facial expression difficult to read.

Kyungwon wasn’t sure what to say. It shouldn’t have felt like they were doing something forbidden, something they weren’t supposed to do, but somehow it still did. Like they were caught doing something, caught being emotional and kissing desperately in the middle of the hallway.

_It’s still their home and he didn’t even know you were coming._

It was always the same, solving one and then the next one appeared, just as complex if not even more so. Just because he found out what had concerned Hoseok and was able to intervene, hopefully solving his own problem at the same time, didn’t mean that there were no problems left.

_Because you are not the only one in this relationship, you still mustn't hurt Hyungwon. Nothing has changed about that._

And something told him that it wasn’t working as well as he had hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 8th of October at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

Hoseok didn't know what had been worse, upsetting Kyungwon, getting upset by Kyungwon, crying in Kyungwon's arms while emptying a bucket of insecurities and emotional scars in his gorgeous face or the absurd rollercoaster he made himself go through over the past few days and especially the last hour they have been sitting on the wooden floor in each other's embrace whispering love confessions, private thoughts and wishes into each other's ears like crazy.

Somehow everything about their relationship had been crazy. The sex, the tension, the dominance games, the sudden tenderness, the crying parties after hurting each other pointlessly. He loved Kyungwon and he loved their relationship, it was different. It was indeed.

The gorgeous black haired man in his arms wanted to open up, he had talked about his fears, his insecurities, all that while digging his nails into his back, showing vulnerability, emotion and Hoseok caught himself at the thought that he wanted to stay in this moment forever.

Before they both realized that there had been another person next to them. Hyungwon had been standing in the door frame without moving and listening for an undefined amount of time.

“Hey, you're back,” he whispered and wiped his face with the back of his hand, knowing that it had been obsolete with how attentive Hyungwon was towards him.

_He would know immediately that you cried._

“Yeah, I’m back,” Hyungwon murmured, still looking at them as he slowly slipped out of his sneakers. He was barely breathing with how little his body moved, chest remaining still as he didn’t say anything. His boyfriend just grabbed his black sports bag from the ground and walked through to the bedroom, disappearing from sight like he had never been there in the first place.

“Shit,” Kyungwon hissed next to him.

They both jumped up like crazy people and ran after him. Hoseok went through the door first and found Hyungwon carefully sitting on the bed, legs carefully arranged below him as he folded the clothes from his bag pointlessly before throwing them into the wash. He wasn’t saying anything, but tears were running down his face, just like that, because he saw them in the hallway.

_Fuck._

“Oh no no no no no,” Hoseok murmured and closed the distance, throwing the bag down with his hips and pulling Hyungwon on top of himself easily with how little resistance the other man showed. If there was something he absolutely couldn't handle, then it was upsetting the black-haired man.

“What's wrong, babe? Are you crying because of me? Fuck, I'm sorry, don't cry, please.” He stroked over his hair and kissed his tears away from his golden cheeks.

“It’s okay, Hoseok, I’ll just- I’ll just finish folding this. You can go back to the hallway and- and kiss as you did,” Hyungwon murmured and it sounded empty as the slim man tried to reach for his bag even though it was impossible with how Hoseok had kicked it far enough to be way out of reach.

“We just fought and then we made up, you don't need to fold anything.” He turned to Kyungwon and beckoned him over. “Are you upset because you saw us? Was it because you didn't expect it?” he asked and placed a kiss on Hyungwon's soft lips.

The other man merely shook his head, staring at his bag on the bedroom floor. The bed dipped from Kyungwon’s weight as he climbed next to Hoseok, curling his fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist and rubbing soothing circles along it.

“Your words seemed rather straightforward to me, I’m just trying to process it. Don’t worry I will get it eventually,” Hyungwon whispered, not even stuttering anymore and not hugging back although he was on top of Hoseok.

“What words, Hyungwon? We were merely apologizing to each other for hurting each other,” Kyungwon said carefully, continuing to draw circles along Hyungwon’s wrist. He also curled an arm around Hoseok’s waist as if he wished to support him too.

“You-” Hyungwon finally looked at him, tears only spilling over more and dripping down his face without any break in sight, sobs shaking his chest uncontrollably. “You talked about wanting each other, very- very clearly addressed towards the other. I- I understand I just- I just need to- oh god.”

_He misunderstood._

“You think that I don't want you, you dummy? Did you forget everything I told you two days ago while crying like a baby? You think I said it for fun? I love you and you're an irreplaceable part of me, there's no way, Hyungwon.” He felt overwhelmed at his boyfriend's tears, time passed but it had still been something he had an instant emotional reaction to.

“But- but you talked about how what I say is delusional, has no meaning, how his words carry much more weight. I knew that but it still-” Hyungwon bit down on his lower lip to keep a sob from escaping, slim body shaking at the force with which speaking seemed to hurt him physically. “You said that both of you are so similar, not opening up and now you will and why would you need me then? You didn’t even wish to be close to me without having a barrier, I- I understand, but- fuck.”

_He heard most of it, didn't he?_

Knowing Hyungwon, the other man had probably been standing in front of the door and listening to their crazy talk, misunderstanding and misinterpreting everything.

“Okay listen, I just felt like shit, okay, so Kyungwon telling me that I'm a coward and a bad person sounded more plausible than you telling me that I'm all that. See, now I've made you sad and I feel like shit again because you don't fucking deserve this. We're similar, proud idiots, Hyungwon, there's nothing awesome about that, it's sad. And what was that about the barrier?” He thought a little until it finally made sense.

_He saw you fucking Kyungwon. Bareback._

“Oh god. You want to sleep with me without condoms? Is that it? I didn't even know that you wanted that, screw the condoms.” He reached for the familiar drawer and pulled the big packet of condoms out, throwing them against the wall. “Fuck them.”

Hyungwon stared at him with wide eyes, turning to the package of condoms that lay mostly squished from the impact with the wall. A few seconds passed until he turned back, tears stopping and making room for parted lips and disbelief.

“You- you don’t mind to be i-inside me without? But- but why didn’t you- before?” He seemed more hesitant, less convinced in what he was saying, glancing back and forth between him and Kyungwon. “With him you just- you just did it.”

“Yes, because I just went batshit crazy, I can go batshit crazy on you too, if that's what you want. Actually, you're both driving me nuts, one wants to get the tender treatment and the other wants to get fucked against the wall. What is it?” He couldn't help the way his arms tightened around Hyungwon's thighs, squeezing them.

His boyfriend gasped, visibly responding as he always did, lips remaining parted and eyes wide.

“I just- I just thought that you bonded without me. I don’t know why I thought that. It just- it looked so intimate with the way you were on top of him and you didn’t even look up, not even once, just looking at his face and- and I just. I just kept thinking what would happen if I suddenly disappeared, if you would even realize. I know it’s dumb and now I just want to facepalm, but- oh god, why am I always like this?” Hyungwon sighed and buried his face in Hoseok’s shoulder, sobbing again although it must have been for a different reason this time.

“But I told you, Won,” Kyungwon began and let go of Hyungwon’s wrist, stroking over his hair instead. “I explained to you that it was mostly my fault and I told him to fuck it. I just wanted it to be special and you know that I’ve had a lot of sex, making it special is kind of a challenge. I’m sorry that it hurt you so much, it doesn’t mean that Hoseok doesn’t want to be inside you like that, not at all.”

Kyungwon pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s nape carefully after speaking, arm around his waist squeezing a little more.

“You know, I love you both and I'll give fucking everything for you both to be happy. Kyungwon also thinks that the way I look at you is so intimate, and he also feels ignored and hates me. Just hate me, don't think that I don't love you or want you.” Curling one arm around Kyungwon's waist, he pulled the other man closer.

Hyungwon looked up and curled his arms around his neck, kissing his lips softly as his eyes fluttered shut, still blinking away a few tears.

_He's so beautiful._

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not just about me but it’s- it’s a little hard sometimes although I was the one who wanted you two to be close,” he whispered and reached out to squeeze Kyungwon’s hand. Both of their hands were the same, fingers equally long and easily intertwining on top of Hoseok’s thigh.

“You don't have to be sorry, just talk to me, Hyungwon.” Hoseok kissed him again, licking into his warm mouth and tasting coke.

“So, y-you still want me?” the black-haired man asked with a whisper as if it was a valid question, slim thighs shifting on top of him and white teeth settling on that plump lower lip of his, taking up most of his face.

“Of course, he does,” Kyungwon replied with a bright smile, not hiding it as usual and leaning against Hoseok’s shoulder. He seemed more affectionate too in the way he acted, more relaxed despite Hyungwon’s outburst.

“Well, what do you think?” Hoseok smiled and used his free hand to curl it around Hyungwon's waist and push the other man down on his lap.

“I- I guess you do,” Hyungwon gasped and a blush spread over his cheeks almost instantly, long fingers grasping his shoulders. “I- you'll make me-”

It was hot, how Hyungwon reacted instantly, from a simple movement alone, he loved it.

“What will I make you?” he asked with a grin before turning to the side and placing a small kiss on Kyungwon's lips. His more confident boyfriend grinned like he was similarly amazed by the way Hyungwon reacted, moving a little to the back like he wanted to give him space.

“You- you know what I mean, Hoseok, don't make me say it,” Hyungwon muttered and glanced to the side, fingers playing with Hoseok’s t-shirt as the black-haired man's slim thighs shifted on top of him.

“But I love it when you say it,” he commented and leaned in, licking a stripe from his boyfriend's pretty collarbones to his ear lobe, sucking it into his mouth briefly.

Hyungwon's breathing pattern changed instantly, inhales much faster and sometimes without exhales as he kept the air in his lungs to remain quiet and to not respond too extremely. His thighs began shifting more and more on top of Hoseok and he chewed on his lips, pupils dilating. The rosy color was gorgeous on his cheeks, probably continuing further but Hoseok couldn't see.

“You- you'll make me want to be d-dominated and manhandled,” the black-haired man whispered and gasped again, eyes wide as he stared at Hoseok’s face. Kyungwon must have gasped behind him as well, judging by the sound that left the other man's lips.

“And you called me a teaser, Hoseok, you're much worse,” he commented.

“No, I'm not.” He stroked over Hyungwon's lean thighs up to his hip bones before his hands cupped Hyungwon's pretty, round butt. “Did you miss me? I know we didn't have much time together over the last couple of days, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have neglected you, babe,” he paid attention to his tone of voice, keeping it low and sensual.

“Y-yeah,” Hyungwon whispered, almost exhaling against his lips with how he moved closer subconsciously, thighs shivering at the way Hoseok touched him. “But it's okay, I- I was also distracted and I wouldn't have wanted to j-jump you. We- we don't have to make Kyungwon feel left out, I'm- I'm okay.”

“I can give you two privacy if you like,” the other man commented behind them and stroked along Hoseok’s back with his index finger, touch firm but light at the same time.

“Mh? But didn't you want to be part of this? Or do you want to be alone with me?” he asked Hyungwon after giving the first question to Kyungwon. The latter cursed instantly as Hyungwon looked up slowly and chewed on his lips, squirming a little.

“It's okay, he can be part of it, I missed him too.”

“Fuck my life,” Kyungwon commented and attached his lips to Hoseok’s neck, grazing it lightly with his teeth. “Is Hyungwon always this adorable? Just makes me want to give him everything until he smiles.”

_You even think similarly._

“Yes, he is. That's why I can't upset him.” Hoseok placed one hand on Kyungwon's thigh and squeezed it tightly before looking into Hyungwon's gorgeous blush-covered face and not getting enough of it.

“You're so fucking hot, Hyungwon,” he whispered while moving his hips against the other man's ass.

Hyungwon whimpered and pressed himself closer to Hoseok’s chest, lips remaining parted in a silent moan and eyes wide and attentive.

“I- I showered at the dance school and- I- but I don't know if it's good enough if you want to do it without c- so- maybe I need to shower again, I don't know-” he mumbled and Hoseok could see how his chest lifted with each breath. “I- I want you so much.”

Fuck, Hoseok wanted him too. So fucking much.

“Do you feel comfortable? Then you don't need to shower, Hyungwon. I can't wait to know what you feel like without anything.” Hoseok pulled the other man's t-shirt over his head instantly and attached his lips to the golden skin of his chest, licking over his prominent collarbones and his smooth neck.

“I- I just don't know how thorough I need to be,” the shy man muttered and gasped at the way Hoseok covered his upper body with caresses and skillful licks of his tongue.

“It's fine that way,” Kyungwon remarked and sucked Hoseok’s earlobe into his mouth. “Won, you're so adorable, you make me want to see you get spoiled.”

He groaned at Kyungwon's words and sunk his right hand into the other man's hair, pulling him towards his neck. It felt crazy to have both men around again.

“You're both gorgeous, fuck.” Hoseok got rid of his own shirt and opened Hyungwon's jeans skillfully, curling his hand around the other man's hard dick. It was hot how the black-haired man threw his head back and his body almost gave out at the touch, legs spreading further automatically.

“Oh god, Hoseok,” he moaned before covering his lips with his palm, not very successfully.

Kyungwon was the only one who remained dressed, covering Hoseok’s neck in small bites and sensual licks.

“You can just tell me what to do, I want to drive you both mad,” the bold twin whispered into his ear before biting down on a sensitive spot below his ear again.

“Touch me,” he groaned and sunk his teeth into the crook of Hyungwon's neck. Kyungwon was quick as his long, warm fingers slipped below Hoseok’s waistband and curled around his dick as he gave it a few experimental strokes, the other undoing the button and the zipper with skillful ease.

Hyungwon was moaning quietly with his palm covering his lips as he watched Hoseok with big eyes. The black-haired man’s free hand was holding onto Hoseok’s bicep, as if his boyfriend needed it to remain sane.

There was way too much fabric involved and Hoseok planned to get rid of it. Squeezing Kyungwon’s wrist a little for the other man to let go, he stood up and pulled Hyungwon’s jeans down his long legs, leaving the other man beautifully naked, clothes pooling on the floor below him.

“Would you help me?” He smirked and turned to Kyungwon, who was sitting on the bed and pointed at his own jeans. He was met with a smirk in return as the black-haired man licked over his lips and used his teeth to drag Hoseok’s jeans the first few centimeters before he bridged the rest with his hands, pulling them down his muscular thighs and discarding them next to the bed.

“Your thighs are fucking juicy, much like your dick,” he remarked and placed a kiss to the top of Hoseok’s erection before giving it a few strokes again. Hyungwon watched intently, eyes still fluttering shut once in a while.

Hoseok let out a low moan at the sensation and leaned down to kiss the other man’s forehead, before pulling the silk shirt over his head and throwing it somewhere next to Hyungwon’s bag. He kneeled down and opened the button of Kyungwon’s ripped jeans, tugging them down his gorgeous thighs slowly, placing kisses against them until the other man was as naked as Hyungwon and him.

“I want to spoil you both, you’re so fucking gorgeous,” he breathed out before turning to Hyungwon and pulling him towards the bed. “What would you like me to do?” he asked while licking his lips.

“You know, I actually had my fill, quite literally,” Kyungwon remarked from the side while Hyungwon chewed on his lips and reached out to run his long fingers over Hoseok’s chest. He was always so fascinated, loving to explore the dips and form of his muscles with his fingertips like Hoseok was someone otherworldly, utterly amazing.

“I think you should spoil Won instead,” his confident boyfriend remarked and let himself fall next to them on the bed, propped up on one elbow and watching Hoseok’s expression, pupils dark.

Hyungwon looked up at that and shook his head quickly, blushing a little as he kept his hands travelling over Hoseok’s naked body.

“Y- you can do what y-you like, Hoseok,” he whispered and leaned in to lick along the middle of Hoseok’s chest, plump lips closing around a nipple.

_Let’s see if he’ll remain unbothered._

Hoseok grinned at Kyungwon’s nonchalance and focused his attention on Hyungwon, who was blushing beautifully, arousal painfully obvious. He loved it so much.

“I should definitely spoil you,” he hissed and lay down on the bed, pulling Hyungwon on top of himself and attaching his lips to the other man’s. The beautiful man appeared eager, instantly kissing back and licking into his mouth as his hands continued their exploration, stroking over his abdomen and his hip bones, grazing his groin for a few seconds before returning to his sculpted chest.

“I- I missed you so much, Hyunwoo was talking when I bought him meat, but I was just spacing out and thinking about you and about how I want to be close and- oh god,” he mumbled against his lips and Hoseok could feel Hyungwon’s heartbeat under his fingertips. “I want you so much, so so so much although I should get a grip and not be so greedy. I even got r-ready after dancing because-.”

“Because you know damn well that it drives me crazy, you’re being so fucking good to me, climb up and let me taste you, babe.” He crawled a little further towards the end of the bed to have more space for Hyungwon to sit on his face.

Hoseok loved the way the black-haired man reacted and slowly made his way upwards along his body, not missing the opportunity to touch him and run his fingers over his neck and lips.

“You- you can taste everything you want, Hoseok,” he whispered and hesitantly placed his thighs on each side of Hoseok’s head. He was shaking a little, probably from the thought of what was about to come.

Kyungwon shifted a little next to them, moving closer as he reached out and rolled the tip of his index finger over the tip of Hoseok’s dick, slowly while spreading the developing precum.

He hissed and moved his hips almost automatically while grabbing Hyungwon's pretty butt and pushing the other man further over his face. Licking his lips, he let his tongue travel over the other man's entrance, blowing cold and hot air against it in succession. He loved how sensitive Hyungwon was.

The black-haired man moaned loudly, and his palms slapped against the wall as he used them to have something vaguely resembling a grip on the situation. Pleasure was always so easy to see and feel with Hyungwon.

“This is like a fucking playground,” Kyungwon murmured and squeezed the head of Hoseok’s erection, using more fingers to please him than just one. “How are you not addicted yet? I wouldn't leave the fucking bedroom if I had someone like him around at all times.”

_Yeah, because he's actually a dominant fucker. Like you._

“Duh, I am addicted, isn't it obvious? I want to give him every-fucking-thing,” Hoseok groaned and licked a stripe from Hyungwon's entrance to his balls, sucking on the sensitive skin in the process before returning to where the other man was especially sensitive. After licking circles, he pushed his tongue in, supporting his movements with both hands that pressed Hyungwon's hips further against his lips.

“Oh god- Hoseok- I,” Hyungwon mumbled incoherently and held onto the wall. His slim but lean legs were shaking from the way arousal travelled through his body and his dick twitched once in a while, fitting to the moans that left the luscious, plump lips.

Hoseok could feel how the weight on his thighs increased as Kyungwon got closer and licked over the tip of his dick repeatedly.

“I can tell how much you like it,” he whispered before sucking on the tip for a few seconds and letting go again.

He wanted to say something, but he moaned instead, sending vibrations through Hyungwon's body while fucking him with his tongue until the other man started meeting every movement eagerly. He grabbed the lube and coated his fingers before closing his lips around Hyungwon's pretty erection, sucking harshly and pushing two digits into his tight body.

“No no no,” the gorgeous man muttered, but met the motion anyway, hips pushing down until Hoseok’s fingers were completely buried inside of him. Hyungwon was so fucking tight, constantly keeping some of his tension no matter how much he tried to relax. “I- I want you to f- fuck my mouth. The way- I like it.”

Kyungwon seemed ignorant of their discussion as he merely continued to tease Hoseok by letting his erection rub over the top of his mouth without really entering his throat. It was torture.

“How could I say no to that,” Hoseok hissed and let Hyungwon go. Wiping his fingers, he sat up, grabbing Kyungwon's hair and groaning.

“You…”

The other man followed the tug reluctantly, tongue still digging into the slit as he looked up.

“Mmh?” he hummed in question while a small smile spread on his lips. Kyungwon was sin, moving the slightly darker tip of Hoseok’s dick over his plump lips, back and forth.

“Oh god,” Hyungwon whispered and sat down on his calves, eyes wide. “Is that w- what I look like or- or is it just him?”

“It is comparable, yes,” he managed to press out before moaning with his head thrown back and spreading his legs to feel more.

“Didn't you want your brother to be spoiled by me? You have to give him what he wants.” Hoseok focused his gaze on Kyungwon.

“Mmh,” the black-haired man hummed again and licked a stripe downwards, taking Hoseok’s balls into his mouth and sucking harshly before he let go.

“All yours,” Kyungwon commented towards Hyungwon and grinned, lying down next to Hoseok with his head propped up on his palm like he was watching a particularly good movie.

Hyungwon nodded carefully and licked over his lips, blush spreading further down his chest, a beautiful pink.

“Where do you w-want me, so you can move well?” he asked and curled his fingers around his own knees, keeping them in place.

He stood up and spread his legs a little wider, curling his fingers around his thick length and giving it a few strokes.

“Come here,” he said with his incredibly low voice.

Hyungwon reacted instantly, crawling down from the bed and making his way towards him on all fours until he was right in front of him, sitting on his calves and hands on his thighs. His boyfriend always reacted to his low and demanding voice, body showing every little twitch and reaction.

Inhaling deeply, Hyungwon opened his mouth and stretched out his tongue a little bit, eyes big and staring at him.

Hoseok could hear Kyungwon gasp from the bed as he moved closer to the edge, still watching.

Another hiss left his lips and he let his erection slide along Hyungwon's pretty, red lips, teasing himself before he pushed himself in and sunk his fingers into the other man's black hair, pulling harshly. The beautiful man instantly moaned around his erection, sound loud and clear and sending another spark of pleasure through Hoseok’s groin. Hyungwon loved it, every fucking second and Hoseok knew exactly how to make him love it even more.

Pulling out he let the tip glide along Hyungwon's wet bottom lip before hitting it lightly and pushing himself back in, combining it with the grip on his hair.

The black-haired man's eyes rolled back a little as he moaned around his erection again and shifted his hips, probably to contain the way his body reacted to the action, loving it whenever Hoseok treated him roughly while praising him.

“You're so fucking gorgeous, babe, I love the way you look between my legs, so fucking pretty,” he groaned and picked up pace while supporting his movements by pushing Hyungwon's head a little.

“But now I really want to be inside you,” he murmured, stopping as soon as he started losing himself in the pleasure.

“P-please,” Hyungwon moaned, a little delirious while his warm palms were holding onto Hoseok’s thighs like he needed it. The black-haired man's erection looked like he was close, precum staining the head. “Please, Hoseok.”

There was a little bit of shifting on the bed. “Holy shit, you really like that, Won, wow,” Kyungwon remarked, wide eyes similar  to Hyungwon's as he watched the two of them with parted lips. There was more color on his cheeks than usual. “This is crazy.”

Hoseok was fast, grabbing the lube and coating his length before lifting Hyungwon from the floor and pressing his back against the wall, letting the other man ease down on his thick erection slowly by loosening the grip on his lean thighs.

The black-haired man barely had any time to recover as he almost screamed and contracted around Hoseok’s erection inside of him. It was fucking hot and tight, burning even with how Hyungwon's thighs were slightly blushed too.

“Oh my god- fuck me, Hoseok, please fuck me hard, please,” he mumbled and curled his slim arms around Hoseok’s neck, grip a little too tight but Hyungwon was too gone to realize.

“I will after you were so fucking good to me, fuck you feel amazing, it feels even tighter and hotter,” he murmured against Hyungwon's skin and placed a couple of kisses against his neck before he let the other man's body slide down till his buttcheeks touched Hoseok's thighs.

“I love you, Hoseok, I love you so fucking much, oh my god,” Hyungwon whispered and pressed a kiss to his lips, breaths quick and regular shivers passing through his long legs. He was so sensitive and emotional; each twitch made the other man moan into Hoseok’s face. “The way you feel inside me it's- it's really full but I like it so much. It's- it's like I'm part of you or you are part of me. I want you.”

Suddenly Hoseok could feel kisses along his thighs and ass that slowly moved upwards. Teeth bit along his back muscles and shoulders until the touch disappeared again like it had never been there, only leaving the hot traces on his skin.

“You,” he whispered again, not able to look behind himself because of the way he held Hyungwon's body. Pulling out almost completely, he rolled his hips into Hyungwon's tight body, moving the other man's hips along with the motions to maximize the sensations.

His boyfriend screamed and threw his head back, arms holding onto him weakly and leaving all of the weight for him to bear. It sounded beautiful, the way Hyungwon lost himself and murmured and begged repeatedly, interrupted by screams that made his whole body contract around Hoseok, centering the pleasure in his groin.

Every sound and every little moan coming from Hyungwon's mouth drove him crazy and made him lose himself even more. He slammed into the other man's body, groaning from the pleasure that threatened to hit him every second.

Just when he switched his thrusts to more sensual ones he could feel something wet behind himself, followed by a kiss to his thigh. Kyungwon grabbed his buttcheeks firmly and licked along his crack once before he let go and let him thrust into the tight heat of Hyungwon's body.

“You’re gorgeous, both of you,” the other man remarked behind him and accompanied the words with biting into Hoseok’s thigh before he let go again.

“Let me fuck you on all fours,” Hoseok groaned and pulled out, letting Hyungwon's feet touch the ground. The gorgeous man must have missed whatever had been happening around him as he barely remained standing and nodded slowly. His face was still a beautiful pink color, teeth chewing on his lower lip as he reached for the edge of the bed slowly and climbed on top of it on all fours, giving both Kyungwon and him the whole sight.

“Holy shit,” Kyungwon remarked, rarely leaving sexual thoughts unsaid, much unlike Hyungwon. He was still holding onto Hoseok’s thighs, fingers dancing along them. “You're like a treat, Hyungwon, a fucking lollipop.”

Hoseok pulled him up and clashed their lips together, tension exploding right into his fucking face. But there was also Hyungwon, so he let go, panting loudly and lined up, beckoning Kyungwon over. It was rare to immediately see the rather proud black-haired man fulfil a request without any undertones, but it felt like only a second until there were lips against the skin of his shoulder and teeth biting into the bicep.

“Fuck, it feels so fucking good when you touch me,” he whispered and pushed himself inside Hyungwon's body, picking up pace. The man with his ass in the air in front of him was squeezing him with each thrust while the man next to him littered his skin with kisses and bites, long fingers scratching along his back, adding to the perception of bliss.

“I want to fuck you up so bad, Hoseok,” Kyungwon hissed and bit into his neck. “I want to feel you inside of me just like Hyungwon keeps tightening around you, delirious at the way you make him feel. I want you to make me feel the same way, babe, while you forget your name.”

_But didn't he say he had gotten his fill?_

He felt how Hyungwon kept tightening around him, but held back, obviously waiting for Hoseok to tell him that it was okay.

“Come for me, baby,” he whispered after leaning forward and biting into Hyungwon's shoulder, kissing the spot right after. It only took a few seconds until the other man's whole body convulsed and he released himself between them, loud scream of Hoseok’s name on his lips and body giving out, falling forward.

The plump lips that had been sucking on the skin of Hoseok’s hip let go as a gasp echoed through the room.

“Holy fuck, you tell him when to come?” Kyungwon asked, disbelief obvious despite the tone of his voice. Watching must have been hard on him with how low his timbre had become, breaths a little ragged instead of calm and controlled as he liked to keep them. Unless he jumped Hoseok like an animal.

“He wants me to tell him, so I do.” Hoseok leaned forward and kissed Hyungwon's shoulders and nibbled on his ear. “Do you want me to come inside you or over your back?”

“As- as you like,” Hyungwon whispered and spread his legs further, head buried between his forearms as he breathed heavily, trying to recover from his orgasm. He was so gorgeous, always allowing Hoseok to do everything he liked and loving every second of it.

He decided to spare Hyungwon the aftermath and added a few more thrusts before pulling out and releasing himself on the other man's back. After wiping the other man's body clean, Hoseok fell on the bed and curled his arms around Hyungwon's body, placing kisses against his cheeks and lips before leaning closer to his ear.

“Is it okay if I let your brother have some fun too?” he asked carefully, stroking over Hyungwon’s sweat-covered back.

“Of course,” the beautiful man whispered and turned around slowly, breaths still irregular and heavy. “You two are- I feel a little crazy because of you.”

“Mh? Why? Did we do something?” He could never be too cautions when Hyungwon decided to talk about himself.

“It's just- the t-two of you are like w- wolves, looking at me like I'm tasty and-" The black-haired man blushed and pulled his legs together, chewing on his lower lip. “I- I like it too much.”

Hoseok couldn’t help the chuckle that left his lips.

“That’s because you are fucking tasty, and Kyungwon is just jealous because he’s a dominant fucker,” he whispered so that Kyungwon couldn’t hear. “But let me give your brother some candy, you can watch.”

“But I- I can do something too if you want me to, I don't mind getting involved,” Hyungwon murmured and sat up, looking beautiful.

Kyungwon chuckled at that, brushing through his hair. “You're adorable, Won, really sweet.”

“You can do whatever you like babe, or you can rest, as you want.” Hoseok sat up and looked at Kyungwon, who was sitting on the edge of the bed.

“So, I heard you had your fill.”

“At the same time, I was kind of dying when I came and offered to let you fuck me in the shower, but we started a crying fest instead so…” Kyungwon trailed off and shrugged, grin slowly spreading on his lips. “Are you going to give me a present? Uh, I'm excited.”

“Yeah, I was scared that you’d rape my poor ass, so I’ll let you fuck my mouth instead.” He stood up and positioned himself across from Kyungwon, kneeling down and brushing his hands over his muscular thighs that looked really good.

“Well, fuck,” the other man hissed and groaned at the sight. “But listen, I wouldn't have raped your poor ass because I have conduct, I loved it but I prefer to have you love it even more. Apart from when you let me fuck your mouth because shit, not going to say no to that, like ever.” Kyungwon appeared impatient with how he stepped a little closer and grabbed his dick by the base, watching Hoseok’s facial expression intently and letting his erection rub along his chin.

“You were quite a good boy, so you definitely deserve the candy,” Hoseok commented and grinned, before changing his facial expression completely by widening his eyes on purpose, biting down on his lower lip and opening his mouth. He stretched his tongue out and looked up.

“Shit, fucking shit, Hoseok, you can't just- fuck.” Kyungwon groaned again and let his dick slide between Hoseok’s curved lips slowly, testing it out before he sped up a little, pushing against his throat before he let him breathe again. “You were also a good boy, taking it so fucking well and moaning while I sucked your dick. You're hot, Hoseok, fucking hot and I'd let you fuck me with a plug anytime, fuck.”

_He must’ve liked it a lot._

It was not the perfect time to think about sexual dynamics as breathing was basically impossible with how Kyungwon didn’t give a single shit and slammed into his mouth, but he still couldn’t help thinking about the fact that the other man had a lot of desires Hoseok wasn’t able to satisfy without making sacrifices. He relaxed his throat and swallowed around the other man’s length to add up on the sensations and stared up for effect with tears in the corners of his eyes, hoping that it was at least a little compensation for all the things he couldn’t give him.

“Fuck,” Kyungwon cursed and grabbed his hair. Fingers tightened in the blonde strands and basically pulled him on Kyungwon’s erection and back, much like he himself liked doing with Hyungwon. The other man was moaning with an open mouth, visibly melting at the way it felt and controlling his motions less and less. “You take it so fucking well, shit.”

_You do. Sex is your only area of confidence._

He added short licks and tightened his lips more around Kyungwon’s length, sinking his fingers into the muscles of his thighs to bear it a little longer.

Kyungwon almost screamed, voice basically identical to Hyungwon's as he tightened his grip on Hoseok’s hair and pushed as far inside as he was able to before releasing himself down Hoseok’s throat.

“Fuck, Hoseok, shit, are you okay?”

_Are you?_

He swallowed but couldn’t suppress a long cough, staying on his knees for a few moments longer than intended. Kyungwon sank down next to him and curled an arm around his waist, pulling him closer and pressing kisses to his cheeks, forehead and eyes, removing the tears that had collected.

“I'm so sorry, Hoseok, I kinda lost my shit,” he murmured before closing the distance and kissing his lips tenderly. “I'm really sorry.”

He still coughed but shook his head to show that he was okay and got up on his feet.

“I just need something to drink,” he whispered, no proper tone coming out and walked towards the kitchen.

_Why are you like this? That’s why you shouldn’t think when you’re close to someone, just do it without all those thoughts, it makes everything worse._

He pulled a bottle of gin out of the fridge for no fucking reason at all and poured some into a glass he used before, gulping everything down and hoping that it’d numb his throat.

“Are you trying to eliminate my taste?” Kyungwon asked as he entered the kitchen, still naked and curled his arms around Hoseok’s waist again. “Why did you let me do that if it wasn't okay, Hoseok? We talked about this, our relationship isn't the sacrificial club. You don't have to do anything that you don't like.”

He shook his head again, a little scared to talk with his fucked up voice.

“It’s okay, I’m not the one who’s sacrificial here.” His voice sounded like some horror movie soundtrack. Kyungwon chuckled, probably because of that.

“I don't see myself in pain which I cannot say about you,” the black-haired man said with a frown and pulled a bottle of water from the fridge, handing it to Hoseok. “I'll make you a cup of tea, should be more of a help.”

Steps sounded from the hallway as Hyungwon entered too, dressed in a loose t-shirt and sweatpants and climbed up on top of the countertop as he always did.

“Hoseok, do you- do you think you need to compensate for something?” he suddenly asked but didn't look at him, playing with his long fingers and tugging at them repeatedly.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to discuss this,” he muttered and left both men in the kitchen. He really didn’t want to talk about it because it seemed like a failure, like he couldn’t even give Kyungwon this much without fucking up.

_Why are you like this, Hoseok?_

As soon as he entered the bedroom, he pulled new underwear over his hips and threw himself on top of the bed, pulling his blanket up and closing his eyes.

Why wasn’t it easy? Why couldn’t they just love each other and have sex and be happy? Why was there always something in the back, crawling closer and exploding into his fucking face. He was tired.

So fucking tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 10th of October at 2 PM CET.  
> Hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

“I'm sorry, but I'm not going to discuss this.”

The words sounded pretty final and even if they hadn't been, seeing the way his boyfriend left the room without another glance, not even bothering to check if Hyungwon was okay, told Kyungwon a whole lot.

_He's not fucking okay._

He instantly glanced over to his brother who was still staring at his hands but had stopped playing with them, merely letting them rest on his lap. That was bad.

“Don't worry about it, Hyungwon. I'm sure he just needs a little break, the two of us are quite a handful after all,” he remarked cheerfully and curled an arm around his brother's shoulders.

“He hasn't done that for ages,” the black-haired man whispered quietly and curled his arms around Kyungwon's waist, like a mere arm around his shoulders wasn't nearly enough. Hyungwon had always been a sensitive soul.

_Maybe you shouldn't tell him that he does that all the time with you, running away and trying to avoid the conflict._

“But before that, it was also just you,” he said instead of everything else and sighed. Hoseok really needed a cup of tea, but Kyungwon had the strange suspicion that the other man probably wouldn't drink it.

_Why would you lose your shit like this? He does it for you, it doesn't give him kicks like it does for Hyungwon._

“Hoseok is a dominant fuck, isn't he?” he asked and sighed again, stroking over Hyungwon's back to calm him down and avoid various inaccurate thoughts that might have developed in his head. It was a habit.

“Like you, you mean?” There was a small smile against his skin and Kyungwon chuckled, relieved that Hyungwon wasn't really upset. “Both of you are like this, that's why I said you remind me of animals that want to eat me. You always told me I'm a dom’s wet dream because I'm a subby potato and a cock whore.”

Kyungwon almost coughed at Hyungwon saying the words so bluntly, it sounded more rough coming from his lips somehow, much like porn titles.

“Well, it was meant more as a joke and has been my excuse to make you do things because you liked it. When we were kids I always made you ask for sweets for both of us because I hate asking for things.” It was the sad truth, Kyungwon was a manipulative bastard that forced his twin brother to get him sweets because he was too pussy to ask himself. In addition, Hyungwon had been cuter, as a kid Kyungwon had always looked like he lived in the bushes.

“Where’s the lie though?” his brother murmured and let go, climbing down off the countertop. “I want to hug Hoseok. I think he needs the contact even though he might want to be alone. He always told me the same thing when I rolled up and cried.”

“Mmh,” Kyungwon agreed and pulled his brother to the bathroom instead, convincing him to brush his teeth before they joined Hoseok in bed. He wasn't sure why, but the way the blonde man had told them he didn't want to discuss anything had sounded rather rough, like he genuinely wished to be left alone.

_Maybe you're also too sensitive. Hyungwon knows him better._

Getting ready for bed the two of them entered the bedroom. Their common boyfriend was curled up in a blanket, hair sticking out in various directions. It seemed so innocent, almost like Hoseok was a little kid.

It forced a feeling of discomfort upon Kyungwon, like he had genuinely done something to upset the other man. Again. Again, after discussing their misunderstandings and agreeing on him opening up and Hoseok stop giving himself the blame for everything.

Hyungwon was faster than him, climbing up on the bed and kissing Hoseok’s cheek carefully, whispering something into his ear. The other man didn’t move and remained curled up with his eyes closed.

“He's asleep,” Hyungwon whispered and beckoned him over without making much noise. It was sweet and caring somehow, especially the way he stroked over Hoseok’s face.

_He really loves him._

Kyungwon climbed up on the bed and lay down next to Hoseok, worried that he would wake the other man up. It seemed like an easy strategy though, to just go to bed when one felt pressured or overwhelmed. Thoughts disappeared for a while and there was just nothing while the brain dealt with everything on its own in the subconscious.

Kyungwon couldn't do that, he was a thinker, lying in bed and contemplating what he had done that day and how he would take care of his next day in addition to how he would need to solve his problems.

_Or how you are fucking alone and need somebody next to you to hold you like a fucking baby._

He sighed and curled his arms around Hoseok’s middle, pressing his face to the other man's neck and merely breathing in his scent as he threw his leg over him. It was nice and calming, exactly the way he needed it to feel at ease. Hoseok was everything that he needed and more.

_Just stop upsetting him and making him feel self-conscious all the time._

Warm fingers brushed over his carefully until he felt them intertwine with his own, the exact same length and thickness, fitting perfectly between his own. Hyungwon had moved closer and rested his head against Hoseok’s chest, rolling up so that it fit perfectly. It was cute somehow, the way his brother looked up and smiled at him, feeling just as happy as he did just because they were lying next to the man they both loved.

“Goodnight, second half,” Kyungwon whispered and closed his eyes, imagining how Hoseok’s scent just engulfed him completely.

“Goodnight,” Hyungwon echoed and squeezed his hand briefly. His brother never wanted to say it, not quite believing that he was really an equal, but Kyungwon was positive that they would get there, eventually.

_Maybe you really are just two halves that belong together. Two halves and one whole that belongs with Hoseok._

It was a nice thought, fitting to the sweet scent that surrounded him.

 

_

 

 

It was warm, just the way he liked it, arms circling his waist and pulling him close while he was able to intertwine his legs with someone else's. The touch was familiar, so it couldn't have been a one night stand. Instead it was a scent and a body he knew, very much resembling his own just like the sheets reminded him of-

A sudden and sharp pain made its way through his groin, right where it hurt the most as his brother had shifted and strategically lifted his knee like he tended to do. Fuck.

Kyungwon groaned and pushed him in frustration, expecting him to roll over, except his brother fell to the ground instead with a loud noise.

“Fuck, I'm sorry, Hyungwon, but you just tried to fucking castrate me and I need my dick to be functional,” he muttered and tried to make his balls recover by cupping them carefully.

_Where is Hoseok?_

“Doesn't mean that you have to throw me off the fucking bed. It's my bed, don't throw me out of my own bed. Get yourself another one and- and throw yourself out of it,” his brother muttered sleepily but didn't bother to get up from the floor, merely curling up instead. It was so funny that he decided to forgive him for the rather mean hit to his balls.

“Whatever you say,” he replied with a chuckle and got up, realizing that he had cuddled Hoseok in his naked glory last night. “This must be so weird, me all naked and you in your sweatpants plus shirt combo.”

Hyungwon didn't reply which must have meant that his brother had fallen asleep again. It was too early for other man to be awake anyway. Knowing Kyungwon’s biological clock, it must have been between eight or nine.

_But where the fuck is Hoseok?_

His temper wasn't much better in the morning and he already felt himself getting angry, adrenaline rising at the fact that he had wished to wake up next to the other man, just to be left and get kicked in the balls instead. Although the latter wasn't necessarily his boyfriend's fault.

He went to the bathroom, took care of his business, brushed his teeth and fixed his hair successfully, looking as gorgeous as ever, especially naked.

There was no hair on his body because he had taken care of that at the beginning of the week and his face had a healthy color after washing it properly. It still felt surreal to be able to see his reflection in his brother's apartment, but he liked it, it was a good change.

Once he was done he walked through the apartment only to realize that Hoseok was really not there, neither in the living room, nor in the kitchen.

_What the fuck?_

Getting only angrier, Kyungwon returned to the bedroom and poked Hyungwon's sleeping form with his foot. However, he only got a dissatisfied grumble in return that sounded a lot like ‘go fuck yourself’.

“Won't do you the favor,” he replied and poked Hyungwon again, this time right where he was ticklish. It earned him a lifted head and an expression of pure fury.

“Mother-fucking what?” Hyungwon yelled and threw the blanket to the side, hair sticking up in all directions and eyes about double the size from sleep. He looked like a crumpled piece of paper but Kyungwon loved it.

“Where is Hoseok?” he asked nonchalantly and reached out to ruffle Hyungwon's hair up some more.

“He jogs in the morning for fuck’s sake. I came home at almost midnight yesterday, Kyungwon. I fucking hate you. Why are you doing this to me, this is discrimination, you hate me and my sleep cycle.” Hyungwon was mumbling again towards the end, visibly suffering with the fact that he hadn't slept enough and just falling asleep in the middle of conversation. Kyungwon had mercy and grabbed the other man's light body and lifted it up on top of the bed, covering his brother with the blanket properly.

However, the fact that his brother was adorable and needed sleep didn't charge the fact that Hoseok had neither said goodnight yesterday nor good morning today and just went jogging. Sure, Kyungwon had not even mentioned that he wanted that, but he felt a little bitter about it.

_You're so fucking demanding, holy shit._

He heard the door open and close, accompanied by shuffling noises in the hallway.

_Well, there he is._

“Hi there,” Kyungwon commented and leaned against the door frame, unable to keep the frown off his face. “Had a good run?”

Hoseok didn't answer and simply untied his shoes as if he wasn't there.

_Fucking asshole._

“Are you ignoring me?” Kyungwon asked and grabbed Hoseok’s shoulders as soon the blonde stood up and pushed him against the wall, forcing him to look at him. “What the fuck did I do to be ignored like this?”

_And there goes your anger._

The blonde looked somewhere between terrified and surprised, sweat dripping down his nose, before one hand went to his ear und removed one earphone.

_He was listening to music, you idiot._

“What happened? Are you angry?” Hoseok asked, voice barely audible. The other man had obvious trouble using it.

Kyungwon instantly wanted to pull something ridiculous out of his arse, something that justified his anger just so he wouldn't have to admit to his own mistake, to the fact that he had gotten angry for nothing. But he couldn't, not with the way Hoseok looked like a kicked puppy and barely managed to speak after the way Kyungwon fucked his throat mercilessly.

He sighed and bit down on his cheek.

“Not anymore. I'm an idiot, I'm sentimental and felt sad that you went to bed without saying goodnight because I need attention and I felt lonely because you weren't there and Hyungwon just kicked me in the balls mercilessly. Just now I was happy that you were back but you didn't react, so I thought that you purposefully ignored me. Mother-fucking hi, I'm an idiot.” Kyungwon sighed again and leaned forward, resting his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. It was just enough to realize that he wasn't wearing anything, pressing a sweaty and confused Hoseok into the wall with his dick out. He wanted to facepalm, hard. “And I'm naked too like a fucking Neanderthal.”

“I'm sorry for all this, and I'm sorry cause I'm sweaty and you're naked- you- do you need to shower? You can come with me if you want to, now that you're also covered in my sweat.” Hoseok was whispering, visibly embarrassed at the lack of voice.

 

“Don't worry about it, I should be sorry for not knowing the meaning of consent,” Kyungwon muttered and pulled Hoseok along to the bathroom. He needed the blonde to undress as fast as possible, so he could stop feeling weird. He didn't bother waiting and just pulled Hoseok’s sweat drenched tank top from his torso, throwing it into Hyungwon's dirty wash basket.

The blonde threw his belt including his phone to the ground and got rid of his shorts, underwear and socks. He looked so good, muscles swollen and shimmering from the sweat, broad chest rising and falling quickly. Hoseok smiled shyly and stepped into the shower, turning the water to cold and hissing a little.

Kyungwon waited a few seconds for the other man to cool down before he joined and turned it a few degrees warmer, but still not close to pleasant.

“Does Hyungwon see this every Saturday and still live a healthy life? Or does he always sleep? Holy shit, I would be attached to your left pec if I was him,” Kyungwon murmured loud enough to be heard over the sound of the water and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, enjoying the proximity that he had missed in the morning. It was nice.

The blonde smiled and adjusted the temperature, as if knowing that he got cold easily. Brushing his wet bangs back, Hoseok leaned in and placed a kiss on his forehead.

“No, he doesn't see it, because he sleeps. But he really needs it, so it's fine. He's really cute.” It was hard to understand what Hoseok was saying but his lips were so fucking expressive that he could basically read it.

“He needs it so much that he screamed at me today for kicking him awake, threatening me with pillows and giving me a lecture on what a horrible person I am for torturing him like that before he just fell asleep again, on the floor.” Kyungwon laughed at the image and stroked over Hoseok’s cheek. It was so nice, standing in front of each other in the shower and enjoying a simple embrace, talking without the necessity to do anything or pretend.

_Like back then._

It seemed like he could really forget his problems next to the other man, drown in the affection and genuine smiles. Kyungwon wanted to see them every day.

“I love you, Hoseok,” he whispered out of nowhere, unrelated to Hyungwon's antics but still true. He loved the other man so fucking much that he got upset at the most meaningless things, like not seeing his face when he woke up. “I'm sorry for hurting your throat like this, I'll be more careful.”

“It’s-” Hoseok swallowed a few times and it looked painful. “It's okay, I don't know why the fuck I couldn't take it, I'm sorry,” the blonde whispered but his whole body tensed at the words.

_He feels bad about it._

“Why would you apologize for that?” Kyungwon smiled and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s lips. “Biology has its limits and I kinda went berserk on you, not even checking if you were okay. I should have, it's just irresponsible and I never just lose control like that. So, let's just agree that I'll stop losing my shit like that and you don't let me go berserk on you for no reason.”

“It's complicated.” Hoseok reached for the shampoo bottle and massaged it into his hair, handing it to him right after.

“Shouldn't we talk about it then, so it gets less complicated?” he asked in response and hoped that Hoseok would be more willing to open up now than last night. He put the shampoo bottle back and grabbed the one he always used instead.

“Sure. Remember when I told you that sex was my only area of confidence? Well, it had been a sad goodbye yesterday, I know that you have needs and I just suck at satisfying them,” Hoseok whispered, battling the loud noise that the falling water produced.

_You're making him self-conscious, again._

Kyungwon would have chuckled at the irony of all people he ever really loved feeling self-conscious around him, but it just wasn't funny anymore.

“You are fucking amazing at sex and a sore throat is the most ridiculous reason for doubting your skills I have ever heard, Hoseok. I saw fucking stars yesterday and was a selfish asshole at the same time. I was being greedy for no reason and you already gave me so much.”

“But there's a reason for you going crazy, because it's something that you want, and I can't help thinking that I'm not the right person for that,” the blonde murmured.

“Because you don't like to submit?” Kyungwon asked carefully, slowly understanding what the other man was concerned about.

_He asked you before, telling you to go fuck someone else if you miss fucking somebody._

“It's not about submitting, I'm submitting to you all the fucking time, Kyungwon. There are things you like that I don't like, and I just suck at doing them because I don't get the pleasure out of it. But you still want them and need them, that's why you go crazy and I can't fucking satisfy you like this.” The other man sounded desperate, keeping his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

“But-" Kyungwon chewed on his cheek, not quite sure what to say. Hoseok didn't need to do all those things for him, not at all. He loved to be fucked and he was fine with how things were now. He was grateful that he could have the blonde man close in the first place. “But you don't need to give me everything that I like, Hoseok, not if it hurts you or makes you uncomfortable. You don't like me fucking your throat? Then I won't do it, it's easy as that,” he murmured and grabbed the other man's fists, trying to unclench them and feel warm fingers around his hips instead. “I told you that I want you to feel pleasure and if you don't there is no point.”

“The thing is, I can see how much you like it, so I want to do it for you, but I’m just not Hyungwon, who absolutely loves it and goes for it whenever he has the possibility. It makes me feel like shit because I want to give you something you like but I’m not even able to do that properly.” Hoseok looked him in the eyes before glancing to the side.

“But can you really look into my head, Hoseok? You have no idea how fucking much I loved that you let me touch you, it was fucking meaningful and my whole body was burning because you enjoyed it and I was able to keep my hands still, just the way you like it. I enjoy it so much more when you feel pleasure and I know that you've never let anybody do that and that's already fucking crazy for me. I'm so fucking thankful that you would even bother to give me something like that and I absolutely refuse to take it if you don't like it, Hoseok. Even if you tell me that you won't do anything apart from fucking me I would still love you.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s cheek. It was affectionate and fit the way he felt. He just wanted to curl his body around the muscular man who usually looked so comfortable but resembled a child the way he was standing in front of him. Kyungwon wanted to make him feel better so badly. “Hyungwon worries about you too. He's afraid that you are trying to compensate for the submission that I lack. But I'm fine, Hoseok, I really am. You give me so fucking much already, don't give me the things you don't enjoy yourself. Please.”

“I don’t know, Kyungwon. You often say that you’re fine. You also said you’d be fine a year ago. I just don’t want to limit you in anything, our dynamics are a little difficult, it’s just a fact and I have no right and also no wish to keep you from experiencing the things you like and that bring you pleasure.” Hoseok curled his arms around him and pulled him closer, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

_Try to argue with that, genius._

Kyungwon wasn't the most reliable when he said that he was fine, but he always knew whether he was. He wasn't back then, but now was different.

“You make it sound like I live off fucking people in the ass, Hoseok. I bottom too and it's fine, I like it, I love driving you mad and screaming at you to fuck me into the mattress. There are no real setbacks for me. I guess it's just because I see Hyungwon and it's kind of a turn on, but I rarely think of wanting to fuck you or anything similar.” He sighed and brushed through the beautiful blonde strands, enjoying the way water ran down their bodies. “You know, it was a little different back then. I think you were less afraid of hurting me and more demanding in your actions. You aren't anymore, and I can imagine that my brain is telling me to fill the space, but I don't really have to.”

Hoseok leaned back suddenly. The expression on the other man’s face was confusing, he couldn’t really tell what he was thinking.

“I think- we should take a break for you to think about what it is that you actually want, Kyungwon,” the blonde whispered and opened the door of the shower stall, stepping outside and wrapping a big towel around his hips.

“Shit, don't do this to me, Hoseok,” he yelled, panic rising up on his throat. “I know exactly what ‘a break’ means. What did I do? Fuck, I'm sorry.”

“No, you obviously don’t know what a break means. I just won’t jump you until I’m sure what the fuck you actually want from this. You think I will stop loving you? What kind of bullshit is that?” The other man dried himself a little and walked out of the room.

_What the fuck do you want, Kyungwon?_

He groaned and threw the towel he just grabbed to the ground in frustration, only to pick it back up again. There was no point in throwing around objects in anger, it was his problem and he needed his fucking brain to solve it.

It had been simple before, he wanted Hoseok. He wanted the blonde man and to be loved back. Now he was loved back, and he was dating him. What did he want now? Was it even okay to just continuously want things whenever he got something?

Kyungwon had no fucking idea and he had never really bothered to think about it before, just going with the flow and adjusting.

_You're just always so fucking scared of losing him. Just look at you, instantly panicking, throwing him against walls and jumping out of the shower to beg for forgiveness. What the hell is wrong with you, Kyungwon?_

He had no idea, but he had to get a fucking grip on his confidence.

_He's right, he loves you. He tried to stop for a year and didn't manage, why would you being confused suddenly make him stop?_

Kyungwon just wanted to curl up and talk to Hyungwon, to get a fucking grip on his own thoughts again.

_Very dom of you._

He grabbed a pair of underwear that he kept at Hyungwon's place to not be completely naked and made his way to the bedroom, curling around Hyungwon who had rolled up into a ball.

“Won?” he whispered carefully to check if the other man was anywhere close to waking up.

“Mmh? Go away,” Hyungwon muttered and only rolled up further, digging his bony shoulder into Kyungwon’s face.

“I- I kinda need to talk.”

There was another hum as his brother uncurled and lay down on his back, one arm sneaking around Kyungwon’s shoulders and pressing him to his chest, as if it was an automatic response.

“Have you upset Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked, voice a little less tired but equally low.

_Seems like that is the first thing you tend to do when you need to talk._

“I guess. Apparently, I don’t really know what I want. Apart from Hoseok, I want Hoseok,” he muttered and remained lying on Hyungwon’s chest. It reminded him a little of back then when he had gotten angry at Hoseok, scratched his back and then cuddled up with Hyungwon although Hoseok had been the one with the scars. Kyungwon was fucking hopeless.

“That’s...already good, isn’t it? That’s basically how this works for me and everything else is secondary. Hoseok just pulls all the things I want out of me, I get shy and then we do them because he likes it too.” Hyungwon sat up a little, taking Kyungwon along, and looked at him. “It’s about s-sex, isn’t it? Because of yesterday.”

Kyungwon hummed and sighed right after. He had never thought that sex was going to be a problem. It was so fucking straightforward, and he dared to say that he was rather good at it. Usually he adjusted to his partners while still keeping control, enjoying the way he could drive them mad, be it by being inside of them or by having them inside of himself. With Hoseok it seemed like he just went berserk, afraid of the other man leaving. He just scratched at every thread of control to keep it in his greedy hands like an idiot. Sure, he enjoyed the way he could decide the pace or the way he combined slight pain with pleasure, but usually there was no need to keep it at all times. Letting go was fine when it felt good and was well paced.

_Do you really need Hoseok to submit to you? Or are you just trying to manipulate him into staying? It’s you not opening up again, is it?_

He was acting out the fucking alpha wolf while trying to keep the other man around like an idiot, pretending to be all that.

_When will you fucking learn, Kyungwon?_

“You- you know what I think is unusual?” Hyungwon asked suddenly, interrupting his thoughts and stroking his hair at the same time.

“What?”

“Usually you- you’re not as crazed as you act, or as extreme as you act. It’s- it’s a little like you are with…” His brother trailed off, like he didn’t really want to say it. “Like you were with mom back then, defiant just for the sake of seeming strong. I just- I don’t think you need to do it, it just upsets you in the end. Like now.” Hyungwon looked concerned with how he intertwined their legs and pulled him a little closer, placing a kiss on the top of his head.

_Even Hyungwon can tell you are being weird. Why can’t you just tell him and then try to figure it out? Hoseok can’t just guess what you want when you pretend to be all that._

It was difficult to not wish to return to back then, to the time when he had been less concerned and more relaxed, not quite aware that he was in love with Hoseok and bound to jump on the suffering train.

_That’s why you are like this. You’re just afraid to get hurt, but like this you just make it worse, Kyungwon._

“Just tell him, he’ll understand,” Hyungwon whispered into his ear and let go, smiling it him. It was strange how grown-up his brother could seem from one moment to the next. Crying in his arms for hours and giving him advice while being the same person.

_Maybe he’s actually the grown-up one and you just pretend. He at least has a reason to struggle._

Sighing, Kyungwon stood up and looked for Hoseok.

He found the other man in the kitchen, sitting cross-legged on one of the kitchen chairs and sipping on his probably lukewarm coffee.

“I’m an idiot,” he started out and sat down on the chair next to Hoseok, covering his face with his hands and sighing in frustration.

“No, you’re not, but tell me more,” Hoseok whispered with his fucked, non-existent voice.

Kyungwon looked up at the other man, the way he was sitting on the kitchen chair, both hands curled around his cup of coffee and eyes wide and expectant. This was harder than he had thought.

“I’m just scared,” he murmured and hoped that it made sense on its own, without the long elaborations that he had in his head, aided by Hyungwon’s supportive words. “I’m scared that if I don’t grab you by the collar you’ll just think I’m not worth it and fuck off. It’s stupid but at this point you leaving is my biggest nightmare. I’ve even dreamt of it before, when I’m home alone. It’s fucked up and I know that I shouldn’t push my fears onto my behavior, but I just did it automatically. I’m not that crazed either, not usually.”

_You even let go usually, but it’s as if you’re not allowing him to be part of it. Even when he kissed you tenderly you enjoyed it so fucking much but switched as soon as you were able to. So much for calling Hoseok a coward._

“And you think that grabbing me by the collar won’t make me leave? I mean, I’m sorry that you’re scared of me leaving, I’m scared of you leaving too, because of different things that all make sense in my head, but we talked about this and we promised to open up and to feel more comfortable around each other, but instead it just gets weirder and I don’t know what to do. I tried to adjust by just giving you things you like but it doesn’t work, so I feel fucking hopeless.” The blonde man looked like a child again with the way he pulled his legs up and curled his arms around them.

_What are you doing to him, Kyungwon?_

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Hoseok. I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. That’s why I’m sitting here and trying to explain what the fuck is wrong with me. You- you don’t need to give me the things I like, just don’t let me grab all those control threads like a maniac, I don’t need them all. I just do it because I am so fucking scared of letting go although I actually like it, I like letting go, fuck. Why the fuck am I like this? Even Hyungwon can tell I’m being weird which means it’s fucking serious.” He threw his head on the table and groaned again, stretching out his arms and pressing his palms flat on the wooden surface. “Can’t somebody just slap sense into me?”

“You’ll slap back,” Hoseok commented and smiled before reaching for his hand while letting his own feet touch the ground. After curling his fingers around his wrist, the blonde man pulled him lightly, spreading his arms, so that he could climb on his lap.

“The thing is just, you’re more tense, you are irritable and I can’t stop getting this feeling that you need to step on me or my feelings to feel good and I’m not sure if that’s a good long term strategy.”

Kyungwon did, he instantly moved towards the embrace, needing it more than anything else and curled his arms around Hoseok, burying his face in the crook of his neck. It smelled delicious like the cake shower gel Hyungwon had bought recently. He climbed on top of the blonde man’s lap and narrowed his thighs around his torso, attempting to be as close as possible.

“It’s not, it’s everything but a good strategy and I don’t want to step on your feelings.” Kyungwon chewed on his cheek, unable to help the way he felt disgusted about his own behavior, about his inability to focus on the other man and just trust him with himself instead of forcing him into behavioral dynamics that he wasn’t comfortable with. “I’ll try to stop it, Hoseok. I swear, I don’t want to do this anymore. Could you help me?”

“It’s hard for me, because I never know why you do certain things. Whether you do them because it’s how you feel and because you want to do them, or because you’re insecure, I have no fucking idea and at this point you seem more and more like a mystery to me, as if I get further away from you instead of knowing you better every day and that scares me. A lot,” Hoseok murmured and tightened his embrace, letting their bodies melt into each other.

“I love you, Hoseok. I love you so much and it still feels crazy to me that there is another person I can open up to that isn’t my own brother. I know that I can tell you everything, I do, and you don’t judge. You didn’t back then, and you wouldn’t now, but sometimes my head just moves back into familiar patterns and I pretend to be all that. Maybe we just need to talk about it, to question intentions and make them clear before we move on.” He inhaled sharply and pressed a soft kiss on the pale skin below Hoseok’s ear. “For example, right now I just want to be hugged to feel better because actually I’m a fucking koala and need body contact to feel at ease when I am down.”

“I also want to be affectionate with you and I get hurt if you tell me that I treat you like Hyungwon, only because I hug you, or kiss you, or stroke your hair. You’re a different person to me and I love you, so of course I want to be close to you. I will try to pay more attention to you, I will, I promise.” He felt how the other man’s lips touched his forehead and placed another kiss on his ear, blowing hot air over it with how Hoseok exhaled calmly.

“I love it when you stroke my hair, I'm really weak for that. I guess I just thought you might make fun of me,” Kyungwon whispered back and felt warmth spread through his chest. “Actually, I want you to treat me like that and be affectionate. Fuck, I want nothing more than that. I just want to lie curled up in your arms and not have to think about my problems.”

_Like the fact that your mother wants you to leave all this._

The air got stuck in his throat at the thought and his hands unintentionally dug into Hoseok’s shoulders. He let go immediately as soon as he realized.

“Is something the matter?” Hoseok only curled his arms tighter around him, as if to keep him safe even though the reason was inside his head. It felt so nice that Kyungwon just wanted to remain in the embrace and forget about everything again, ignore it all.

_No._

_This is the point at which you work on yourself. Say it._

“I remembered my mother, I asked her to give me time to think, but I don't know how much time she will give me, fuck. I don't want to move away.” As soon as the words left his lips he realized that he hadn't even told the blonde man that his mother wanted him to work abroad, leaving the two people he loved the most which would be the worst outcome possible.

Hoseok leaned back as if Kyungwon had poured acid into his face and stared at him.

“Move? What do you mean?”

“She wants me to move to Berlin and take over a new branch they have opened. She kept arguing that my potential is wasted here even though she only wants me to fucking do it so it's taken care of and she can brag about her son.” His voice sounded bitter, a perfect reflection of how he felt. He hated her, he hated her so much. “I'm so fucking glad that Hyungwon doesn't have to deal with it. It just kills me.”

“Fuck, what I- I don't want you to go, please don't go, fuck.” Hoseok looked confused and devastated, biting down on his bottom lip until he could see a tiny drop of blood.

_Shit._

Kyungwon pulled the other man back into his embrace and hid his face in the crook of his neck, thighs pulling together so tightly that he might have squished the other man if he had been stronger.

“I don't want to go, I don't want to fucking go but I don't know how to make her understand without making my life hell.” He inhaled sharply and forced himself to remain composed. He wasn't going to cry on Hoseok’s shoulder because his mother was being mean to him.

_Why not? Who else can you share this with?_

There was nobody.

“She’s done it before, Hoseok. I didn't do as she asked, and she threatened the few people I was friendly with until they didn't want to talk to me again. She can do it, she can break every fucking thing if she wants to. It's not just the money,” he mumbled as his eyes burned and he soaked Hoseok’s t-shirt. Fuck, it was hopeless.

“Shit, Kyungwon, I didn't even know that you had to deal with that all by yourself, you don't have to be scared, I won't let anybody touch my family. You're my family, there's no way I will let her do that,” the blonde murmured with the strength he could muster to make it audible.

“But what are you going to do, Hoseok? There is nothing that you can do,” he whispered, fitting the rough air that left the blonde man's lips instead of words. “She'll just take it away unless I go and do it, like every fucking time. She blamed me for Hyungwon being like this too. She forced me to move out and let him live alone. What he did- it wouldn't have happened if I had been there.”

“You know I've spent my whole childhood hearing that I was the reason for everything bad that happened to my family, so I know how easy it is to let others persuade you. She probably plays with the fact that you'll give up and do it if she blackmails you enough. Fact is, Hyungwon is here because of you and I am here with you because you’re a strong and mesmerizing individual and I will support you whatever you decide to do and I’m sure that you can do it. Just-” Hoseok sucked in air and he felt a drop falling on his uncovered shoulder. “I don’t want to be without you, Kyungwon, I can’t let you go like this.”

“I won't go,” he whispered, but he wished that he sounded more convinced, more confident in the way he pronounced the decision. “Please don't tell Hyungwon about this. He won't take it well.”

“Don't tell Hyungwon what? That both of you are being dumb?” His brother walked into the kitchen in his loose sweatpants and a gigantic shirt, hair sticking up in all directions and lips pulled together in a pout. He looked like a mixture between annoyed and cute. “Can't you just figure it out already, realize you love each other too much and cuddle until both of you are happy? This- this is so tiring, especially if you wake me up and-" Hyungwon sighed. “I really need my sleep.”

“Did Kyungwon wake you up?” Hoseok asked while stroking over his hair slowly, letting the strands slip in between his pale fingers. “I’m not dumb, I’m confused, those are two very different things,” the other man added before pressing a kiss on top of his head. It was nice and Kyungwon didn't want to stand up, hoping that Hyungwon's appearance didn't mean that he had to.

“He had an existential crisis before coming to you. Of course you are confused, he's confused too. Goddamnit, even I am confused,” Hyungwon exclaimed and threw his arms in the air, visibly much more frustrated than he usually was. Kyungwon couldn't help the way his head lifted at the outburst, staring at his brother and the way he made himself a cup of coffee, accidentally bumping his knee and yelping in pain. He was adorable, even if he was angry.

“Just be your sweet, cuddly self and watch how Hoseok will be equally affectionate. It's not so hard, it really isn't.” Hyungwon sighed and massaged his temples. “I need a cup of coffee, or three.”

_It's cause he's tired._

Kyungwon chuckled, but remained in Hoseok’s embrace, enjoying it and unwilling to admit that Hyungwon had a point despite being sleep-deprived.

“You can sleep a bit longer, you sound as if you need it. A lot,” Hoseok commented and his voice started sounding more like a broken engine than a whisper.

“I'll sleep in a bit, first I'll make you a cup of tea,” Hyungwon remarked and filled the kettle before grabbing one of the tea bags for a sore throat. He placed it into a gigantic cup and waited for the water to boil, watching the two of them intently.

“Kyungwon,” he started and sighed again. “Can't you just move in? I feel like both of you start a shitshow when you're apart. My therapist said the two of you are ruining my life and I really want to prove her wrong.”

_What?_

Kyungwon just stared, absolutely unprepared for the words that left his brother's mouth. Hyungwon seemed calm about it, filling the cup he prepared with boiling water once it was ready. The other man had no idea that their mother was forcing him abroad, moving in with his brother and his boyfriend would be like spitting in her face. Shit, Kyungwon wished that he could. He really did.

_When will you finally be independent, Kyungwon?_

***

 

The thing was, it didn't even matter whether his and Kyungwon's dynamics were shit, it also didn't matter that his throat was sore because he had been too dumb to let his mouth get fucked, nothing mattered because Kyungwon told him that he might have to move away and Hyungwon was of the opinion that they kept ruining his life.

_What's this fuckery, Hoseok?_

Fuckery would’ve been nice, but it was just mental. Their mother blackmailed Kyungwon and Hyungwon started to get tired of their shit.

_It’ll knock him out, Hoseok. You have to prevent this somehow._

It sounded as if Hyungwon’s mental health had been the only reason for wanting to keep Kyungwon next to them, but it was of course bullshit. He needed the other man to breathe.

“What? You want Kyungwon to move in? But won’t you have this fuckery in front of your face every day then? Also, what did your therapist say? Are we making you miserable, Hyungwon?” he asked but made sure to hold Kyungwon close and stroke over his smooth back.

“She said that you have been behaving like idiots for the past year. I had to counsel you until you finally realized you liked each other.” His boyfriend rolled his eyes and took a sip of the hot coffee he had made for himself, placing the prepared cup of tea in front of Hoseok on the table. “But you guys don't get any better, instead you keep misunderstanding each other because you," Hyungwon turned to Kyungwon, “can’t be yourself for some reason even though you love him like crazy and you,” the black-haired man turned towards Hoseok this time, “remember your previous issues and feel like you have to give him everything, so he opens up.”

Kyungwon tensed in his arms at the words and exhaled against the fabric of his shirt.

“I don't do it on purpose, it was just hard because I kept hurting the whole time,” the man in his arms whispered and didn't look up.

“I know, which is why I tried to convince you to talk to Hoseok, just like I tried to talk to Hoseok too, but he kept saying that he was fine, just like you. Both of you are just dumb and need to get your shit together and just give it your all. Move in already so I can slap you both when you are being dumb,” Hyungwon exclaimed and threw his empty coffee cup under the machine again, refilling it. He seemed so different. “I just want to curl up at this point.”

Hoseok felt like shit while holding Kyungwon, who had a fucking truck full of problems and responsibilities in addition to his mental mother and at the same time glancing over at Hyungwon who obviously also felt like shit. Hoseok was talented at making people miserable.

“Listen, Hyungwon, I’m sorry, I really am, I keep loading all my emotional baggage on you even though you have shit to deal with too and I promised to make you both happy but you’re both miserable instead, I’m sorry, fuck. What do you want me to do so you feel better about this?”

_You even told him that you’d stop when he doesn’t like it. But you can’t stop. Fuck._

“I want you two to figure it out, that's everything that I want. Try to stop upsetting each other because I'm in the middle of it and- I mean- I also just want you two to be happy, a lot.” Hyungwon stepped closer and leaned in to press a kiss to Hoseok’s cheek before he sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. “I think Kyungwon will be happier if he lives with us and I think he'll also open up more. It's difficult to pretend to be all that 24/7. He's already doing it at work.”

“I’d love to have him here.” Hoseok’s voice was barely a whisper with how he struggled to keep the emotions out of his non-existent voice.

Kyungwon remained quiet, playing with the soft hair at Hoseok’s nape. It felt a little bit like the brothers had switched personalities with how demanding Hyungwon suddenly was while the man on his lap appeared hesitant.

“I'd love to be with you, but is there even enough space? And our lifestyles are different, I'd just chuck out all your second class stuff and replace it with premium products.” Kyungwon shifted on his lap but didn't really lift his head from Hoseok’s shoulder.

“I don’t care about that. Stay this week, see how it feels for you.” He stroked over Kyungwon’s freshly washed hair and kissed his small curled ear, silently hoping that the other man would like it so much that he’d decide to tell his parents to fuck off.

_Why are you like this, Hoseok? Just because you don’t have parents who want you doesn’t mean that you can make him abandon his family. He told you how much their support means to him. Fuck._

“Okay,” Kyungwon merely whispered and it was easy to tell that he was thinking about his mother, hands shaking a little.

“It'll be fine, Kyungwon,” Hyungwon whispered and instantly walked around the kitchen table. It was as if the other man could tell that his brother wasn't okay, curling his arms around him much like Hoseok did. “I'd love to have you here to give me a talk on the benefits of vegetables. Really. It'll be amazing, I'll have you both around and there will always be somebody I can tell about the new dance step I came up with.”

It sounded amazing, but the way Kyungwon’s whole body tensed in his arms showed him how hard the conversation hit where it hurt.

_He still thinks that he has to move, doesn’t he?_

“Let’s not rush it, Kyungwon can see how he likes being around for more than a day and then we can talk about this.” He smiled at Hyungwon, before leaning in and kissing Kyungwon’s cheek. “Okay?” he whispered into the other man’s ear and pressed him closer.

“Okay,” Kyungwon replied and nodded as if to add credibility to his words. “Let's do that. I'll just go home quickly and get what I need.”

Exhaling sharply, the other man climbed off his lap and looked down on himself, still only dressed in underwear.

“After getting dressed that is,” he remarked sheepishly and disappeared into the bedroom.

“And there he goes pretending again,” Hyungwon exclaimed and emptied his second cup of coffee. “Are you okay, Hoseok? Please drink some tea.”

“I’m okay, but what about you? I’m so sorry you are stuck in the middle of this.” He finally stood up and curled his arms around Hyungwon’s slim body.

The other man's smile was gorgeous as he basically beamed at him, hiding it a little bit by pressing his mouth into Hoseok’s shoulder.

“I'm feeling kind of amazing actually because I wanted to say that for at least a week already and finally managed. It feels really good. The first time I brought up the subject of him moving in, you guys just ignored me.”

_You did? Why are you so ignorant?_

“I’m sorry, we both- both of us have a lot of emotional baggage but we are not used to sharing the weight, so we just bitch at each other and behave like animals and then cry. It will get better, I hope.” Hoseok really hoped that it would get better because it was such a rollercoaster and he could barely concentrate at work and work was money and money was really important.

“That's the most- the most accurate description I have heard in a while,” Hyungwon whispered and pointed at the tea cup.

“I'm off,” Kyungwon commented quickly from the door before he walked over and kissed his lips, quickly followed by Hyungwon's. Then he walked back out and disappeared through the front door in a rush. “Love y'all.”

“I love you too,” he whispered and swallowed loudly, scared of what the other man might think as soon as he was alone again.

 _You are so similar. It’s scary._  
  
_  


 

“We are so similar that it’s scary,” Hoseok muttered, while sitting on the floor in the familiar kitchen to make Kihyun feel better about his height.

_Not that you’re much taller, you fool._

“Did you eat a cactus?” his best friend asked, immediately noticing the unusual sound of his voice.

_No, dick. Kinda._

“Let’s say Kyungwon never rejects a present but grabs it by the hair and slams into its mouth.” He watched how the other man stared at him with his eyes unusually wide considering the way they normally looked.

“I really, really hate you, Hoseok. Thank you for the pictures I never wanted to see in the first place, you asshole. Also, since when are you a subby potato, getting your mouth fucked and everything? Decided to compensate? Stop it, it’s bullshit. Why do you keep doing dumb things, I don’t understand, just move back in so I can take care of your stupid ass.” Kihyun spoke fast while pouring smoothie into two glasses. The other man had changed his habits quite a bit since Hoseok had moved out a bit over a year ago.

_Yeah, why do you keep doing dumb things? Maybe because you are dumb?_

_You finished a degree and have three people who love you, you can’t be that dumb._

“I’m not trying to compensate, I’m just considerate and I want to give him things he likes because he deserves it and I hurt him so fucking much, I can never turn it back.” He stared at the wooden floor and traced the pattern in the old wood with his index finger.

“Do you want to hear my humble opinion on this? Of course you do because you’re sitting on my kitchen floor, waiting for me to tell you about your problems, fuck my life. So, listen up, Bunny: first of all, he wants your dominant ass, do you understand? He knows exactly how you are and that you’re like fire and gasoline and he likes it, he just didn’t want you both trying to kill each other because you don’t know how to stop. He also didn’t want to act all high and mighty, but he has difficulties with this. Remember yourself when you started dating Hyungwon, you hadn’t asked your boyfriend whether he was depressed, like a fucking coward, give him some time, Hoseok. Second, you can’t be a subby potato, you can only be super sacrificial and that doesn’t make you horny and also doesn’t bring you pleasure, it just makes you suffer and do things nobody wants from you. Not when you’re not doing them for yourself. Do you understand what I’m saying? That’s why you’re sounding like someone raped your throat with a cactus, sitting on my kitchen floor all sad and bulky. Gosh,” Kihyun finished with a loud noise of the glass bottle hitting the fridge shelf.

He nodded and bit down on his lip before drawing a heart on his left thigh with his index finger, like an idiot.

“Also, you need to tell Hyungwon. About his mom wanting Kyungwon to burn in hell. This is something they have to solve together. He’s stable, he’ll be okay, he even needs it to see what the fuck is going on behind his back. You can’t just protect him forever, this won’t function. Kyungwon wanted to be part of this, so Hyungwon should also become part of this, otherwise it won’t work. He already called me 500 times, telling me how you two are ruining his life and making him snap. And you know that he fucking hates calling. He even facetimed me, do you understand the scale, Hoseok? Stop this. Open up to Kyungwon, tell him that you feel like shit because your family sucked at giving you the feeling that you matter, tell him that you cry like a fucking baby once or twice a month, because you can’t forget people who have left you behind, tell him about your self-hate and the feeling that you have to compensate as soon as you hurt someone, scream in his face that you love showing affection because that’s just how you are, affectionate, and that it’s something that you won’t discuss because that’s just how you love. Get involved, don’t think that you have no right, don’t be scared of rejection. He waited over a year for you, Hoseok. He won’t just drop you because you’re a real person with scars and insecurities. Why the fuck am I giving you advice when I’ve been fucking single for a thousand years and you have two fucking boyfriends, Hoseok? I hate you, you asshole. Also, I planted a pine tree on your mom’s grave. Stop going there at night, it sucks.” His best friend slapped his thigh and let himself fall to the ground and spread his arms.

_He planted a pine tree._

“You’re my family, Kihyun.” He felt tears run down his cheeks, overwhelmed by the fact that he was surrounded by people who sincerely loved him. A lot. “Thank you so much for being with me. I really love you. Thank you for throwing away the sleeping pills, thank you, fuck, I’ll remember this forever,” he whispered in between the sobs and the feeling of Kihyun’s lean arms suddenly pulling him into a hug.

“Thank you for giving me a reason back then. You’re my family too. Speaking of family, I- I kinda talked to Changkyun a lot in the past couple of months, do you think you could drink a coffee with him some time? He said he’ll pay.” Kihyun sounded hesitant, which was so unlike his best friend who had always said what he thought.

_He talked to Changkyun? He’s better at keeping contact with your family than you._

“He’s a nice guy actually, he opened up after some time, telling me how he always cried and felt lonely on holiday because you weren’t there. I guess you were still on the losing end, but it seems that you were not the only one who suffered from your parent’s inability to be proper human beings. And-” Kihyun stopped and swallowed a couple of times.

_He was sad because you weren’t there? He never told you._

“And he told me that your mom committed suicide after a really bad depressive episode. It wasn’t about you at all. She couldn’t get help and I’m so fucking sorry about that.” He felt Kihyun’s strong arms tighten around him as he just sat there and cried like a little kid. Like back then. Like when his mom died. Like every time he had missed her so fucking much, wishing for her to come back and to love him. He wanted to be loved so bad, it hurt.

_And you are loved, Hoseok, there are a lot of people, who love you. Maybe even your brother._

He suddenly thought about the time they had played in the small tent in their room, whispering wishes and acting as if they would come true if they did some random trick. Changkyun had wished for him to always be around. What did he wish for back then?

_For someone to hug you and to tell you that it would be okay._

After so many years he sat on the wooden kitchen floor, crying like a baby in the arms of his best friend who was crying like an even bigger baby while stroking his hair and telling him that it will be okay.

 _It came true, didn’t it?_  
  
_  
  


Something was off. Kyungwon was supposed to stay around for a week, but the other man still went home after work and came late in the evening, just falling asleep almost immediately. It was so unlike him and Hoseok hadn’t been able to talk to the other man about it.

_You need to act. No ignorance, Hoseok._

He knew that Kyungwon went home, so he slipped into his black jeans and a white shirt after showering, successfully forgetting about everything work-related. The shot of Gin helped him to gather courage although it shouldn’t have been something to be overly nervous about. He was just getting his boyfriend from his apartment. Just that his boyfriend didn’t know. And he intended to talk about uncomfortable things. Well.

_He might just kick you, but you have to deal with it. If it needs the kick, then so be it._

It took a ten minute cab ride and half of his resources to stay calm, but he was there, at the familiar door, pressing the button, as if he was about to suck face for the first time.

_You’re about to involve yourself for the first time. It might be less nice._

He was buzzed through almost instantly, like Kyungwon hadn't even bothered to check who it was. When Hoseok finally moved up the stairs the expression on the other man's face changed from something that resembled cold nonchalance to obvious relief.

“Hoseok? But- why would you bother to come if I'll come over in a bit anyway.” Whatever Kyungwon had meant with in a bit, it couldn't have been all that soon with how he was still dressed in his work suit and even wore shoes.

_It’s time to establish genuine communication, like Kihyun said._

“I miss you, and I worry about you, that’s why I came. Let’s have a talk.” He smiled and took off his shoes, before walking over to Kyungwon and kneeling down to untie his black Budapests.

The beautiful man initially attempted to move a step back until he realized what he was doing and kept his body still, watching him intently.

“I- missed you too, but still you don't have to-" he trailed off and glanced to the side. It seemed like no one had bothered to untie his shoes for him before, body language easily revealing that Kyungwon was overwhelmed. “I'd love to talk, I kept thinking about the fact that we should talk today, but then I worked until 11PM again and well, here I am.”

“Mhm, it’s fine, you can change into something comfy and I’ll make us something to drink, okay?” He smiled and stood up, walking towards the open kitchen.

Kyungwon hummed and moved towards the corner where his bed stood, unbuttoning his shirt and slipping out of his suit pants before he pulled a pair of washed out ripped jeans and a low cut shirt on, emphasizing his waist.

“I don't want to work, I hate work, I hate everything,” he murmured and leaned against the countertop that was located centrally in his kitchen space, long fingers brushing through his hair. “I feel like the workload just exploded in my face and at the same time I'm probably the one that told it to come at me.”

_It’s similar for you, when you try to avoid emotionally heavy decisions._

“I experienced a similar situation when the thing with Ben started haunting me. I think it was when Hyungwon and me just started dating. I kept studying overnight and worked and was so fucking tired that I’d just drop dead at the end of the day. To not confront myself. It kinda worked until it hit me in the face like a brick and I also hurt Hyungwon because I didn’t go there,” he commented while pouring the expensive whisky into two extremely fancy looking tumblers.

“Mmh, I guess I do the same, makes it harder to think and therefore harder to get upset. Sorry that I've been neglecting you two, rather assholish after Hyungwon basically stepped out of his shadow to tell us to stop being assholes.” Kyungwon laughed and accepted the tumbler Hoseok handed him, twirling the liquid before taking a sip. “My colleague asked me if I had girl trouble because I took care of tasks that weren't due for another two weeks. I decided to spare him the mental image that I take it up the arse.”

_He's masking. He's not okay. At all._

It was so fucking familiar that Hoseok shuddered at the realization. He couldn’t help asking himself why he hadn’t realized earlier how many of Kyungwon’s habits and behaviors were identical to his own.

Reaching for the other man’s perfectly styled hair, he let his fingers run through the silky strands, ruining the perfection a little, but it seemed more real like this.

“I can’t stop thinking about you. I know that you’re not okay and that you don’t want us to see, but I see it and Hyungwon knows it too. I- you know it hurts me a lot seeing you suffering like this.” Hoseok licked over his lips and leaned against the counter, glancing to his right, where he could see Kyungwon’s eyes that were staring into nothing.

“I know, I do, but I also know that there is no real solution for this. She's going to come, and she'll demand for me to leave, I just need to be mentally prepared for it and I don't want you guys to deal with all that shit when you have nothing to do with it.” The black-haired man sighed and pulled his long body on top of the countertop. “I know we agreed to share, but isn't there something like a trade-off? How much sharing is okay until it becomes a weight for the other person?”

Hoseok chuckled, turning around and brushing a loose strand behind the other man’s ear.

“Let’s agree that we are all quite a lot to take. Me, Hyungwon and you too. That’s just how it is, we all have our scars and shit we have to deal with on a daily basis. Share with me. I was an idiot telling you that I want to make you happy and all that irrelevant bullshit. I want to share your burden and make you feel at ease, I want to make you feel safe, supported and I want to make you feel loved. All of the above, but first I want you to just dump everything on me that has been bothering you for the past week such that you didn’t even have the strength to jump me.” He leaned in and touched the other man’s small ear with his lips, just enough for Kyungwon to feel it.

“Oh god you’re right,” the other man murmured as his eyes widened and he began to chew on his cheek, hesitating for a little bit.

A few moments passed without Kyungwon uttering a word, the long fingers of his right hand slowly making their way towards Hoseok’s, like he needed the support.

“That’s not it. Let’s go to the couch,” Hoseok muttered and curled his fingers around Kyungwon’s wrist, pulling the handsome man behind himself until he let himself fall on top of the fancy, red leather. Looking up he spread his arms, waiting for the beautiful black-haired man to come to him.

Kyungwon climbed on top of his lap without much hesitation, lean arms instantly circling his neck and thighs squeezing a little like it was exactly what the other man needed. Instead of commenting on it, Kyungwon grabbed Hoseok’s palm and placed it on top of his head, exhaling shakily.

It felt intimate, close, as if there was no space between them, no words and no need for words. He sunk his fingers into the silky, black hair and stroked along it while exhaling against the other man’s neck.

“On Monday, when I forgot some of my work-related files and I returned here, there were men taking apart my furniture, prepared to transport it away like I had signed everything and ordered them to be here. She just paid guys to move my furniture, Hoseok, just like that. That's why I kept coming back after work, just in case they pull it again and- I just don't know what to expect. I feel like any second something horrible could happen, something I don't expect. It feels like a fucking nightmare, Hoseok, one from which I just cannot wake up from no matter how loud I scream.” Kyungwon’s voice broke and it sounded so much like a sob, one that the other man attempted to suppress. “I'm just fucking scared, so fucking scared and I can't take it.”

_What? What is she, a mafia boss?_

“Shh,” he placed a kiss on the other man’s cheek and continued the movements of his fingers that ran through the silky strands of Kyungwon’s hair.

“She’s a different caliber from my mom, I see. Is- I mean is the money worth this? For you?” Hoseok asked carefully. He didn’t want to tell Kyungwon what to do, but it didn’t seem as if the other man was enjoying it.

“It's not just the money, Hoseok. I told you, sure, it would make a difference with how I couldn't buy a place like this at the moment, but I earn enough and was smart enough to save up in case I had to grab Hyungwon and run away, but all of that was very hypothetical. I have no idea what she will actually do once I refuse. I can imagine her complaining to my boss or talking to Hyungwon to make him feel bad and like a burden, enough to force me to leave. There are just so many things and I don't even want to think about it because it makes me want to vomit.” It was quiet as Kyungwon’s hands suddenly tightened around Hoseok’s body, motions so desperate. “It's disgusting and scary but- sometimes I wish she was dead. I know one shouldn't think that, not about anybody, but the way I feel just- fuck.”

“We need to solve this. She won’t leave you alone like this and I’m not going to watch you go to Berlin alone after all the emotional damage she’s already done to you. No fucking way. You have to get the things that are important to you to Kihyun, he still has the room, so we have enough space because if she’s that mental she might also come by our place. I don’t have anything awesome there, so she can come, but we should get your stuff from here. I’m just afraid we won’t be able to put all your furniture in my old room,” Hoseok finished and chuckled, resuming the strokes even though he was fucking furious at this woman. “It’ll be safe there because Kihyun will kick her out. He already kicked my mom out. Twice.”

The comment made Kyungwon chuckle which was a good sign.

“I can imagine him doing that, but my mom- she's not just mean, she's manipulative. I gotta have learned that somewhere, you know? She finds your weaknesses and uses them.” The black-haired man shuddered like he remembered something and chewed on his cheek again. “I could rent a storage room and put it there for now, keep everything there, but then I really need to move in with you guys and- is that really okay?”

_No, it’s not, because it’s their parent’s apartment._

“I suddenly don’t feel fond of the place we’re living in right now. How about we rent something else? Something that’s nice for all of us. I don’t want to use your mom’s stuff, she can choke on it. You know how I survived until now? I found my own weaknesses and got rid of them. And if I can’t get rid of it I’ll make it into a strength and I’ll fight. Actually, I’m pretty good in extraordinary situations, I just suck when there are no problems, and everybody loves me,” Hoseok commented and grinned, curling his arm around Kyungwon’s waist and pressing him close to his chest. “Remember when Hyungwon had his depressive episode? I’m really good at stuff like that.”

“So, you're really good at solving other people's problems, huh?” Kyungwon remarked and raked a hand through his hair. “I'm just good with numbers, cooking and giving head.”

“No, you dummy, not other people’s problems. Everything that concerns my family and you’re my family. Also you’re beautiful, rough on the outside but so tender on the inside, it’s mesmerizing, I love you so much, fuck.” Pressing his lips against Kyungwon’s neck he kept the contact for a few more seconds before leaning back to look at the other man. “We can do it, if you trust me. And most importantly if you trust Hyungwon.”

“Hyungwon?” His boyfriend instantly looked up as if burned. “You want to tell him about this? Fuck, don't do it, Hoseok. He has no idea, his impression of her is completely different than mine and I don't want to break it. We have enough reasons for moving, we're three people and the apartment is for a maximum of two. I even have a colleague that knows a few people and could help us to find a nice new one, central and with a garden maybe.”

_It’s really hard on him, Hoseok._

“Remember how you told me that you want to be a part of this? He also wants to be a part of this. He’s stable and he’s in therapy, furthermore, I check with him every day and it’ll be fine. You have to trust him with this. I thought about this a lot, he can do it, Kyungwon. It’s okay to rely on him too, it doesn’t always have to be one-sided. You don’t have to be alone and you don’t have to deal with this alone.” It felt so good to finally be able to say what he thought, without further thoughts and anxiety that he would be judged for what he felt.

“It'll ruin his impression, Hoseok. Isn't it enough that I know what they are really like? I don't want him to know that his mother is actually a manipulative bitch that thinks he's mental because he didn't work hard enough and tried to be like me too much. I'm not sure you get the degree of this yet. I'd rather he thinks that they are too busy.” Kyungwon sighed again and buried his head in the crook of Hoseok’s neck. “Wanna know why I told you that I hate dancing? Because she didn't let me do it with Hyungwon, he was supposed to have something without me so that he could finally harden up. Once I was able to decide for myself I had the accident, so I wasn't allowed to move for months. The stories are endless, Hoseok, it's years of hiding. All of this would just hurt him.”

_This is so fucked up._

“But it’s not pointless pain, Kyungwon and he deserves the truth, let alone the fact that he knows much more than he has ever told you, simply because he doesn’t want to upset you. It’s always the same with the two of you, you tiptoe around each other, afraid to cause the other pain hereby doing it either way because you two are so close, that the respective other immediately notices and suffers too.” Hoseok sighed and leaned forward, catching Kyungwon’s swollen lips and licking over them once.

The other man didn't let him go and melted into the kiss, pulling him closer and nibbling on his bottom lip desperately.

“But I'm scared,” Kyungwon whispered against his mouth and narrowed his thighs again. “Saying it makes it so real, Hoseok. No pretense that actually our parents are nice, only far away, would be possible after that. It would be like engraved.”

“He’ll be fine because he has you and he has me. It’s enough,” he whispered back and licked into the other man’s mouth desperately. As much as he had the feeling that they’ve gotten further apart, it seemed as if the space, the distance was vanishing second after second, leaving only him, Kyungwon and their lips connected to each other, as if there was nothing left between them.

“Okay, I trust you, Hoseok,” was the almost silent reply as the black-haired man littered his neck with kisses, sucking the skin into his mouth. “Thank you for coming and holding me. I thought I was going mad. I'll- I'll rent a place for my stuff and keep the important things with Kihyun for now. I'll also look for a new place to stay.”

“Nope. You just pick the important belongings and we will look for a place together. You don’t have to do everything by yourself. I love you so fucking much, Kyungwon. How the fuck did this happen?” He tightened his embrace and sucked in the other man’s scent, letting it develop and clouding his senses with how delicious it was.

“I'm simply gorgeous and irresistible,” Kyungwon said with a chuckle and rolled his hips once, adding friction out of nowhere. “I love you too, Hoseok, but in my case I know exactly how it happened. We can do it together too, I'll pack the most important items today then. I hope Kihyun doesn't mind a late night visit.”

_Kihyun is your fucking therapist at this point._

“You are gorgeous and irresistible. Let’s do it.” Hoseok kissed Kyungwon’s red lips one last time before they stood up and started packing. It felt strange, knowing that the other man was willing to give things up to be with him. And to be free.

_Finally._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 12th of October at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

It felt final, the way his hands grabbed one of his favorite books since childhood and placed it into a beige-colored cardboard box. It appeared much more meaningless than it was to him, as if everything that carried meaning and emotional value for him could be placed into a single box and carried around.

_There can't be much that really means something to you then, can there?_

Hoseok had left a few hours ago to help Kihyun empty the room of furniture and books that his friend had collected over the past year. It was to be expected of a literature major. Kyungwon almost felt bad for all the quality literature that would have to make space for his stuff.

There was almost no sound, not from cars as it was in the middle of the night and not from people. It seemed a little lonely again now that it was just him and his belongings.

_Meaningless belongings._

Most of the loft was covered in expensive furniture and gifts his parents had sent him for various occasions, Christmas, his birthday, Hyungwon's birthday, which they considered to be a few minutes later, graduations and first jobs. The gifts should have been meaningful, but they weren't, Kyungwon couldn't even tell which one belonged to which occasion, creating a huge expensive, meaningless mass of objects. He hated it and he just wanted to sell it all and buy something useful instead.

_The loft is under your name, you could just sell it and buy something less extravagant in the city center._

Although the furniture and objects were meaningless the place itself wasn't, it had been the first place Kyungwon had moved into after leaving their parents’ house. Hyungwon had moved a few months later and cried so much.

He could still remember how his brother had visited every day, spending money on cabs just to see him although he hated being wasteful. Hyungwon had cried so much, curled up on his couch and telling him that he felt like he was going mad without him around, with the pressure of university and the inability to do anything.

_You didn't think it was all that serious back then._

Kyungwon sighed and threw a random glass figure that he couldn't remember the source of into a box with things to sell. It didn't break which was good, at least he could write ‘survived being thrown around’ on the selling page.

Adding a small drawing that looked like somebody drew it with the small toe of his left foot to his ‘important things’ box because he was sentimental, he stood up and sighed loudly. The place looked empty apart from the furniture.

_If you sell it, you might not have to rent, and they can't take the money away because it was bought in your name._

Kyungwon didn't know how much money Hoseok made, but he himself was earning quite enough and could afford to buy an apartment for three people, especially if he sold the loft.

He agreed with everything that Hoseok had said, he agreed that he had to move, that he had to make sure everything valuable was out of sight and only meaningless furniture that he was probably going to sell remained. But there was one thing he still struggled with.

_Hyungwon. You can't tell him._

It felt like his whole body opposed the idea, bile moving up his throat and fear spreading throughout his whole chest. It resembled the realization that everything one had worked for suddenly became meaningless, all those times that Kyungwon took the interaction upon himself, telling Hyungwon that everything was fine and that he just had a bad conversation with their parents. All of it would be meaningless and hit his brother all at once.

Kyungwon still remembered how Hyungwon had cried when their mother told him that dancing was something for girls unless he did the proper and culturally accepted type. His brother had been devastated, barely revealing that she had taken Kyungwon as an example for something proper as he had done material arts.

_Although you wanted to do dancing too and agreed not to, so she would leave him alone._

His head hurt at all the pictures and words that returned to his head, all those memories he had from when he blocked Hyungwon off from all the influence. And still Kyungwon hadn't been able to shelter him enough back then.

_But Hoseok is right, he's also part of it. You can't just filter and tell one person something but not the other, that's not how trust works._

He was scared, scared that Hyungwon wouldn't be able to take it, that he'd try to do something about it and everything would only get worse.

_She might really make you leave then._

He rolled up on the empty, red couch and hugged his knees, waiting for Hoseok to return and to convince him that whatever he had thought up in his head was solvable and that everything would be fine.

The blonde man had a soothing voice and Kyungwon could almost imagine him whispering into his ear, telling him that Hyungwon needed to know and that he had them to help him cope. That they needed to stop babying him, so he could feel more comfortable in his thoughts and actions.

His imagination didn't go further than the words. The air was cold and creeping up the thin fabric of his jeans, almost freezing his knees and thighs where the rips were.

_It'll be fine in the end, won't it?_

He wanted everything to be fine so badly.

 

_

 

“This place looks gigantic without furniture, of course I kept feeling lonely,” Kyungwon muttered as he threw himself on top of his couch, the only piece of furniture they hadn't sold or taken apart and moved to Kihyun yet. How the other man hadn't crushed them with the collective works of Dostoevsky yet was a mystery.

Hoseok was currently looking through possible apartments on his laptop, clicking his way through various offers that Kyungwon kept rejecting because he was a spoiled brat.

“I mean, you can also move to Berlin if you like, no biggy,” Hoseok muttered, gracing him with a dangerous stare.

“I don't want to move to Berlin,” Kyungwon instantly pointed out and pursed his lips in frustration. He just didn't want to live in a building with heating from the 1950s. “I just want something nice and I think we might even manage to buy. I saved up quite a lot of money and yesterday a couple took a look at the loft and appeared rather intrigued, if the way they looked at each other and barely contained the wish to rip each other's clothes off was a hint.” He chuckled at the memory and massaged Hoseok’s thigh as a tiny apology for his pickiness.

“Well Hyungwon doesn't give a shit and neither do I, I'd move into a garage with you. My colleagues at work looked at me with a mixture of adoration and disgust when I told them that I'm dating twins and we're moving in together. But I guess we won't move in together if the search continues in the same pace.” Hoseok groaned in frustration and nudged his laptop to the side, pulling him on top of his lap.

Kyungwon let himself be surrounded by muscular arms and curled his own lean ones around Hoseok’s neck, much like he always did.

“Everybody will be envious of you, Hoseok, you scored big time. That's what I did to get some juicy ass back in high school. It was fucking easy.” Hoseok looked frustrated but it couldn't have been that difficult, the other man seemed rather good at organizational stuff like finding apartments. Amsterdam was expensive, but it couldn't have been that difficult.

“But it's pretty simple what I want,” Kyungwon remarked additionally and couldn't help the way disgust appeared on his face at the thought of living in a garage. “I want over 100 square meters, a proper kitchen to cook, a living room, an extra room if Hyungwon wants to be alone and a bedroom. Maybe two toilets if possible, but one would be fine too. Right, and a gigantic bathtub.”

“You're a demanding fucker, Kyungwon.” The blonde man tilted his head, while staring at his face. “But, shit, I'm so hooked on you,” Hoseok whispered and went for his lips. Kyungwon grinned at the sudden confession and rolled his hips, kissing back with equal vigor while wondering if they would have to sell the loft for any less money if cum stains were left on the wooden floors.

“The feeling is absolutely mutual, babe,” he whispered against the blonde man's lips and nibbled on his bottom lip. “I'm not demanding, I just have standards and you happen to meet them perfectly.”

The sound of the doorbell was so sudden that Kyungwon almost fell from Hoseok’s lap, scratching the other man's sensitive skin in the process.

“Fuck, sorry,” he cursed and jumped up to press the button. The person must have been fast as no-one was visible on the intercom when he took a look. “Who the fuck would come now anyway?”

He opened the door and waited until Hyungwon's smiling face appeared on the top of the stairs. His brother was surprisingly cheerful as he curled his slim arms around him and basically jumped up, almost forcing him to fall over.

“I came to be included in the apartment search, I feel excluded,” Hyungwon muttered and waved towards Hoseok on the couch. “Can you bring me to my boyfriend? I can barely walk after today.”

Kyungwon couldn't help to laugh at the fact that his brother bothered to jump up but was of the opinion that he had no energy left.

_You still haven't told him._

He stroked over the black-haired man's back and made his way to the couch before throwing himself next to Hoseok. Their eyes met and Kyungwon couldn't help the look of discomfort that passed his features at the thought that he still hadn't been able to tell Hyungwon why they were actually moving.

“Good that you're here, I think you both need to talk whilst I search for a castle with teleportation services that fits Kyungwon's standards.” Hoseok smiled and pressed a kiss on Hyungwon's and his lips in succession.

_He wants you to do it yourself._

Kyungwon panicked and held onto Hoseok’s index and ring finger with wide eyes.

“Alone?” he asked although it sounded like Hyungwon was a fucking monster. His brother was everything but that. “I mean- you could also do it here.”

“Do you feel better when I'm here? Then I'll stay,” the blonde man answered and picked up his laptop, sitting down on the other end of the couch.

Kyungwon nodded and swallowed whatever it was that blocked his throat. It felt like he had to confess a crime although it was rather the opposite, he hadn't really done anything apart from protecting the black-haired man on his lap.

“What's going on, you need to tell me something, Kyungwon? It's fine,” Hyungwon instantly said and hugged him tighter, smile still remaining in place as he got more comfortable on top of his lean thighs.

“We're not moving because there isn't enough space for us,” he began and took another deep breath, not daring to look at Hyungwon's face. “Mom wants me to move to Berlin and take over a company branch and I'm moving so that she can't take everything away that matters to me.” It sounded soft, not like the terror that spread through his body whenever he thought about his mother and what she could do to make him miserable.

His brother tensed in his arms before the embrace got almost painful.

“You're not going anywhere, you're staying right here with Hoseok and me,” he whispered before digging his hands into the fabric of Kyungwon’s shirt. “How could she take away what matters to you? Why would she? She just doesn't care.”

_And that's the impression you have worked on for years._

Kyungwon couldn't really say anything to that, he only stroked along Hyungwon's back and didn't know how he was supposed to tell his brother that she was like a monster to him, a real one that just collected what mattered to him to force him to do as she liked.

“She could take away the financial support if I don't do it,” he murmured, mentioning the easiest one first. It was just too crazy to tell Hyungwon now manipulative their mother could be, he couldn't do it.

“But why would she- I mean- even if she really wants you to go to Berlin, taking away your money shouldn't be that big, you earn really well, Kyungwon! You also have Hoseok and me and we can take care of this. I really don't need much, I don't eat much either.” His brother chuckled like him cutting down on food was supposed to be helpful. He reached out and pulled the slim man as close as possible, stroking over his hair while Hyungwon couldn't understand his emotional outburst, the way his hands shivered although it sounded like everything was solved.

“Because she's like that,” Kyungwon simply answered and closed his eyes, fear moving up his throat again, the things his mother could do or say piling up. She could hurt Hyungwon just by saying the right words, by calling him useless, secondary compared to Kyungwon. There were so many things she could break and- Kyungwon just didn't want them to meet, ever. He didn't want her to hurt his brother, fuck.

He couldn't say it.

“Your mom is making his life hell, Hyungwon,” Hoseok's voice sounded next to them as the other man kept staring at the display of his computer. “She blackmails him with everything that's dear to him, money, friends, and especially you. She was the reason for him moving out and she was also the reason Kyungwon couldn't dance. I think you should know too, so he doesn't have to deal with this alone.”

It was quiet as his gorgeous and innocent brother swallowed. It sounded heavy, like all the load Kyungwon had been carrying by himself suddenly crushed down, overwhelming Hyungwon although he wasn't prepared for it, at all.

_It'll break him, just as you thought. He's going to feel bad, guilty for not being able to help you, he'll think it's his fault and that he was the reason you kept being pressured, just because you care about him so much, he'll hurt himself thinking that it's what he deserves, he'll-_

“Why didn't you tell me?” Hyungwon's voice sounded resigned, like he attempted to fuse most of his thoughts into that one sentence. His brother’s hands remained on his neck and slowly made their way into the strands of his hair, stroking it just the way he needed to calm down.

_He's trying to soothe you, to make you feel better._

“I didn't want her to hurt you, she's a horrible human. She always forced you to do things to make you independent and- I couldn't bear to see it, she made you cry so much. I wanted to keep you far away from it,” he replied, and each intake of breath felt like needles that dug into his lungs, pain that spread out. “She would have made you miserable and it was easier to take it upon myself, to do what she wanted and get the benefits, so I could share with you.”

“What benefits?” Hyungwon asked again, but his voice didn't sound the way it should have. It sounded a little distant, like it was difficult for the other man to believe.

“Money, the freedom for you to do as you like, to study what you like and to dance."

“And you, what about you, Kyungwon? What's with the things that you want?” It sounded strained, like his brother was squeezing each word out with force, body unwilling to speak comfortable.

_You were secondary._

“I did what I wanted, I studied, I got a job and lived in peace without them trying to marry me off to some company director's daughter.” It sounded practiced, but that's how he saw it. It was fine, he hadn't minded the restrictions much. The pressure on Hyungwon, however, had been difficult to take.

“You idiot,” Hyungwon muttered as his voice broke, heavy sob making its way past the plump lips that were shaking repeatedly. “You fucking idiot. Why would you do that to yourself, Kyungwon? Why would you lie to me all this time? Like that time you said that you just went for dinner with them. You looked like they destroyed you at that dinner, crying and lying in my arms the whole night. Why couldn't you have told me, shared with me? Maybe it would have been less to bear. You- I can't believe you sheltered me like that.” Another heavy sob shook Hyungwon's body enough to make Kyungwon’s thigh touch Hoseok’s, reminding him of the warm reassurance. It was difficult to bear Hyungwon crying, he had never been able to do it, not back then and not now. It was the definition of evil, of the worst outcome of them all.

“I didn't want you to break,” he whispered and held onto the other man's jeans, scared of what was to come.

_What if he won't forgive you for lying?_

_It was still the best choice._

“It's because I'm fucked in the head, isn't it? It's because I'm depressed, and you thought I would do something stupid.” There was shifting as Hyungwon grabbed his jaw and pulled it up, forcing him to look his brother in the eyes. It was so unlike him. “Listen up, yes, I'm depressed and yes, I struggle with low self-esteem and the inability to act. But if there is something that I can't bear then it is the people around me getting hurt. I hate her for doing this to you, for pushing all those expectations on you while considering me mentally ill and worthless. I don't care if she thinks I'm worthless. Someone who treats others like that has no fucking right to judge me. She can try to take you away from me, I won't fucking let her.”

There were still tears in the corners of his brother’s eyes and his right fist was clenched. The familiar, big brown eyes were staring at him as teeth settled down on his plump bottom lip. But Hyungwon didn't look insecure, not at all. He looked furious, furious and hurt.

_He's hurt because you didn't tell him, furious because she did this to you._

It was difficult to believe that Hyungwon was okay, that despite shedding tears and shivering on his lap his brother was mainly concerned about him, about the pain he endured and pressure he had succumbed to all on his own.

Kyungwon swallowed at the heaviness of the situation and glanced towards Hoseok. He just wanted to embrace them both and for the situation to be over, for him to not have to deal with the constant fear that something could happen, that his mother could hurt the two people he loved the most.

The other man moved his laptop to the side and crawled closer, curling his strong arms around them both and raking one hand through his hair.

“It'll be fine.”

Will it? He couldn't be sure, there was nothing that proved it, that convinced him that there was nothing his mother could do to hurt him. There was a lot.

“How do you know?” Kyungwon heard himself whisper as his brother pressed his lips together, still shaking a little.

“Because I went through worse things and I'm here with you, so it can't be that bad. You're not alone in this.” Hoseok brushed a loose strand behind his ear and placed a kiss on his forehead. It was calming, having both of them next to him was so relieving, like a heavy weight that he had carried around with him, one that he hadn't shared with anybody for over 10 years.

“I want to make her regret it,” Hyungwon whispered and he sounded so furious. His whole slim body was shaking, enough to see it in the way Hoseok’s arms moved. “I can't believe I didn't know. I just thought they were particularly good at not giving a shit, just stuffing money in our faces and thinking it's enough. I thought that you just talked to them because you liked the financial back-up. I want to scream, I'm so angry.”

Kyungwon just sighed, unsure what to say. It was his fault for not telling, but it still seemed like back then it had been the better choice, the safer one.

“I'm sorry now for keeping it from you. But I still think it was better protecting you back then, all things considered. You were so devastated, Won. I couldn't bear to see it anymore.” He curled his arms further around his brother and placed a kiss on his cheek before leaning his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. He was so fucking happy to have them both. “We'll figure it out,” he whispered, meant as a reassurance even though he felt less secure than he sounded.

 

***

  


How could a person own so much unnecessary stuff? Hoseok kept finding bottles, random books, jewelry and cosmetic products everywhere even though Kyungwon put everything into Kihyun’s apartment for now.

_He threatened to kill you. For real._

Kihyun did, but Hoseok knew that the other man was happy to help, acting as if it annoyed him instead of admitting to the fact.

Kyungwon was still nervous, but pretended as if it was nothing much, acting high and mighty, while hugging Hoseok randomly, out of nowhere, curling his lean arms around him and not letting go for a long time. Hoseok stroked his hair and didn’t ask questions, it seemed too much for words because words wouldn’t have solved anything.

He made tea for the twins and himself because it was fucking cold and went over to the couch, making space between both of them by just squeezing his ass in.

“Listen, you’re not alone here, ok? Stop discriminating against me.” He smiled and took a careful sip of his tea.

“Not my fault your ass is basically two mountains having sex,” Kyungwon remarked nonchalantly and took a sip from his own cup, looking like he filmed a damn commercial. Hyungwon was more accepting as he slid to the other side of the couch to give Hoseok space before curling his arms around his bicep.

“Don't argue,” he murmured and stared at the TV for what felt like a minute. It was easy to tell how his shy boyfriend thought about the best way to ask them to watch a movie with him without being too obvious.

“What do you want to watch, babe?” Hoseok asked and leaned in to kiss Hyungwon’s pretty lips while ruffling his hair a little because he was incredibly cute.

“A series? I mean- whatever you guys are fine with. There is also that one BL movie that Minhyuk recommended that plays in Bangkok and- yeah.” Hyungwon was blushing again while throwing a few careful glances towards Kyungwon, probably because his brother happened to dislike pointless romance and cheesy films.

There was no time to respond as their doorbell sounded, loud and unexpected enough to force Hyungwon to spill boiling tea over himself and partially over Hoseok’s thighs. Kyungwon was quick with how he grabbed a tissue from the box on the table and wiped over Hoseok’s jeans before telling him to open the door while he went to cool Hyungwon’s hands and chest.

He pressed the button and opened the door, waiting for the visitor to come up, wondering why they rang from downstairs as the door was normally open.

_It’s probably the parcel dude._

The sound of heels echoed through the staircase, slow and steady like the person knew exactly where they were going and had no intention to hurry up. The sound got consistently louder until a slim middle-aged woman appeared at the bottom of the last flight of stairs. She had pitch black hair that fell to her shoulders in artificial waves and wore a Bordeaux- and black-colored designer dress that she paired with ridiculously high black heels. There was something familiar in her facial features and her body form. Her frame was slim, but despite the extraordinary length of her legs she was short. As soon as big, dark brown eyes settled on Hoseok’s form a friendly smile appeared on her colored, plump lips.

“Good evening. You must be Hoseok, am I right?” she asked and stopped in front of him. There was something confident about the woman in front of him despite the few centimeters that he towered above her.

_They have her eyes, don’t they?_

He wanted to slam the door into her face but didn’t. Smiling brightly in the most manipulative way he could pull off, he nodded and greeted her, glancing behind his shoulder quickly to make sure the brothers were still on the couch.

He stretched out his hand. “I’m Hoseok, nice to meet you Mrs. Chae.”

“I could say the same. I was curious about it. After all it must be fulfilling to receive love from more than one person despite being abandoned by one’s own family,” Mrs. Chae said with the exact same bright smile and just slipped past him into the apartment like it was her own. A man that Hoseok hadn’t seen before remained standing outside, dressed in a suit and probably meant to look intimidating. “I am guessing that Kyungwon has decided to move back in with his brother in an attempt to avoid me, cute.”

_She likes to stab people where it hurts, wow._

Hoseok would’ve laughed at her attempt because his reality was much scarier than the woman could ever be, but there were people who she had influence over, so he walked after her quickly.

“Must be nice terrorizing your own kids, I can give you my mom’s contact info, maybe you can bond over that.” He tried to go ahead, but the twins’ mother already entered the living room. She must have known the apartment well.

Kyungwon was sitting on the couch and holding something cold against Hyungwon’s right hand. It only took a few seconds until he looked up and all the color left his face, eyes widening and everything that he thought at that moment became terribly obvious. He was terrified.

“M-mother,” he muttered and jumped up, leaving the cool pack in Hyungwon’s hands. “Why would you come all the way here?” It was strange how the confident man instantly switched into a polite way of speech, like he was talking to a queen instead of his own mother.

“Of course I decided to come over after you sold your apartment and moved all the way back to Hyungwon when you should have been in Berlin by now.” Still smiling the woman made her way over to the couch and sat next to Hyungwon, curling her small hands around the cool pack. “Hyungwon, darling, have you hurt yourself again? When will you finally stop being so clumsy, don’t you have two perfectly functioning hands? Your brother can’t be around to take care of you all the time and you know it.”

Hoseok could almost hear how Kyungwon swallowed, eyes widening in shock but visibly unable to do anything, like he was already scared of getting close to his own mother. That was the thing with parents, for someone from the outside they just seemed like ordinary people, the short woman had a manipulative smile and an intense gaze, and her words were more than harsh, but that had been it. Sure, she must’ve researched about Hoseok and his family for whatever reasons, but it didn’t scare him. Not at all. People dying, that had always been his fear. Living people? Not so much. Kyungwon seemed paralyzed with how scared he must’ve been of this woman acting out parenting and failing instantly.

_That’s what power and dependency means, doesn’t it? He’s scared so she can use it to make him do what she wants._

“Can’t you hire someone to do your stuff for you? Why would you need your kids for that? Just leave them alone and be happy all by yourself.” Hoseok said and removed the tea from the table to not cause more accidents. He squeezed Kyungwon’s thigh on his way to the kitchen.

“Oh, Hyungwon, look, you got yourself another protector, you don’t need your brother around, do you?” the sickeningly sweet voice asked until he suddenly heard something drop to the ground unexpectedly. It echoed a little, loud enough for him to hear it in the kitchen.

“Shut the fuck up,” a low voice hissed and at first it sounded so much like Kyungwon, like something the confident, black-haired man would say, but it was impossible. The words didn’t have the same nuances and there was no way that the other man would have been able to defy his mother like that, not with the way he had looked, completely pale and terrified.

_What?_

He stared at Kyungwon whose lips definitely hadn’t moved and who looked equally in shock before his eyes met Hyungwon’s form, who looked absolutely furious, lips pulled together into a thin line and eyes narrowed dangerously. He had never seen the shy black-haired man like this before. The cool pack that Hyungwon had been using to cool his hand was lying on the ground like it had fallen down when his boyfriend had stood up.

“Hyungwon, darling, wha-”

“I told you to shut the fuck up.” Hyungwon took a deep breath and his upper lip was shivering a little as he glanced over to his brother who was utterly in shock. A few seconds passed until he returned his gaze to his mother, who was sitting on the couch with her hands resting in her lap. “Who the fuck do you think you are making him feel this way? I can’t believe that you think that just by coming here you will get him to move to Berlin for you. He won’t go anywhere unless he fucking wants to, mom. He’ll stay here, and he’ll do what he likes, and he’ll be with Hoseok and me while you will go to your stupid business parties and tell people that you don’t have children because that’s how it should have been, you disgusting excuse for a decent human being. Don’t you dare pretend that you even cared about me for a single second of your life. Where have you been when I was in the hospital? You were at your stupid parties, bragging about your achievements as you always are. Kyungwon visited me and was a way better family than you could have ever been, and I genuinely hope that you will walk out of this apartment and know what it means to really hate yourself, because I really would if I was you. Fuck.”

It was sudden as the usually timid and composed man groaned and walked over to his brother, taking him by the wrist and pulling him away from the living room, into the hallway and past Hoseok. He could see how Hyungwon curled his arms around Kyungwon’s shoulders, stroking over his hair as the other man seemed genuinely out of it, shock and fear intermingling as tears threatened to run down his face.

“Make her leave, Hoseok, please,” Hyungwon mouthed at him and clenched his teeth. The other was furious. It was really weird to see the black-haired man like this, somehow liberating. As if he was able to be furious, as if he was okay saying all those things to his mother.

_He’s stronger than you. Most definitely._

“Wow. I think you upset them enough, so you should go. I really don’t like it when other people make my family miserable.” Hoseok gestured towards the door and looked down on the woman who just stared at her sons standing in the hallway.

“Who do you think you are to choose them as your replacement family when they have one already, one that can offer them much more than you can, young man,” the short woman spat out before standing up. The superiority she had shown when she entered the apartment was almost gone, replaced by anger and obvious disgust.

“Exactly, they have a family, which is me, we’ll take care of each other so mind your own business like you did before. It was nice.” He stepped closer and isolated his index finger pointing at the door. “You know where the exit is right? Where your Batman dude is waiting for you, he must be tired standing, have some basic human etiquette.” Glancing towards the man in the suit he asked him whether he wanted something to drink. The other man’s face was fucking priceless.

_Because nobody had asked him that before._

“No, thank you,” was the careful reply as the man glanced over to Mrs. Chae who threw him an incredulous look, like he wasn’t even meant to reply to such questions.

The sound of her heels was loud as she made her way towards the door. Standing in the door frame she turned around once again before a bright smile appeared on her features, looking just like the one Hyungwon had when he was happy.

“You are greedy, Hoseok, and I am sure that you are perfectly aware of that, just like the fact you cannot compensate for your faults by piling up things you do not deserve around you, but I wish you the best nevertheless. They will come crawling back, simply because I know them. Have a good evening.” With a small wave of her right hand the woman walked out as the man next to her closed the door carefully, leaving the three of them alone.

“She knows absolutely nothing, not even one single fucking thing,” Hyungwon hissed as Kyungwon just sank to the ground, crying uncontrollably.

“Oh god, her life must be hell,” Hoseok muttered, shocked that a person like that not only was able to exist without turning into the black pest or something equally scary but had also produced offspring that were the absolute opposite of her poisonous personality.

Hyungwon just hummed as he held his brother and stroked over his head repeatedly. It was a strange sight with how Kyungwon buried his head in Hyungwon’s lap and cried while the other stroked from his neck to the top of his head and back and stared into nothing, visibly in thought.

“I can’t believe that she did this, I never really saw her like this before, never,” his usually timid boyfriend whispered eventually and stretched out his hand like he wanted Hoseok to grasp it.

Shaking off his shock at the fact that there had been someone worse than his stepmother on this earth, he closed the distance and sank to the ground, curling one arm around Hyungwon’s waist and using the other to stroke over Kyungwon’s hair along with Hyungwon.

“You know what I thought about? I saw how Kyungwon looked at her, but for me she’s just a random person who thinks she’s all that. I have no relationship with her, so I don’t give a single shit about what she tries to tell me, but for you it’s too much to take because of your relationship with her. She just uses it to make you feel bad. You don’t need this, Kyungwon. You’re better than this.” Hoseok leaned down and kissed the tears from the other man’s swollen cheeks.

The gorgeous man didn’t reply and bit down on his cheek, visibly trying to contain his own tears.

“I could say the same,” Hyungwon commented suddenly as a smile graced his features, beautiful and bright, much more so than his mothers’ could ever be. “I haven’t seen her for over 5 years, it doesn’t mean much to me. I just see what she does to Kyungwon and it makes me angry because there is nothing she can really do, nothing meaningful. She wants to hurt me? She doesn’t even know me. She wants to hurt you? Then she can go fuck herself because I won’t let her. I am tired of this shit, tired of not being involved and tired of having to see him be miserable because of this. It’s enough. We’ll look for a nice apartment and get the fuck out of here.”

“Remember when I told you that you’re stronger than me? You really are, I’m so fucking proud of you, fuck,” Hoseok murmured, absolutely overwhelmed by Hyungwon’s sudden outburst and so happy that the other man was able to voice his opinion and even fight if he considered it necessary.

_But it doesn’t make Kyungwon feel better._

He leaned down and lifted the other man’s torso from Hyungwon’s lap and pulled him flush against his chest, stroking his hair and curling an arm tight around his body.

“It’s fine, Kyungwon, you’re not alone with this, we’ll sort it out.”

“I’m- I’m not even sure why I am crying anymore,” the man in his arms sobbed, curling his whole body around him and exhaling sharply against the skin of his neck. “I’m just so fucking relieved, fuck, I love you guys so much. Please don’t leave anymore or decide that you’re happy on your own, fuck, I need this so much.”

“I’m happy,” he murmured while sucking in air to not cry too. It was still hard to see either of them cry. “You don’t need to be responsible all by yourself, we’re here with you and it’ll be much better. Look how Hyungwon fights, not even I had the balls to tell my mom to back off. She just stopped talking to me after Kihyun’s monologue about depression. Ah and I forgot to tell you that I’ll meet up with my brother next week, he wanted to talk, let’s see how that turns out.” He almost forgot that Changkyun had offered to buy coffee and he agreed, without telling the twins about it.

The news was surprising enough to stop Kyungwon’s tears and to plaster wonder on Hyungwon’s features who grabbed Hoseok’s palm excitedly and pressed a kiss to his lips.

“That’s amazing, Hoseok! I am so glad that he wanted to meet up and that you said yes. I’m proud of you, really. You’ll have to tell us how he drinks his coffee and whether he’s doing fine.” The smile was contagious, especially with how Hyungwon jumped up and down a little, visibly excited about the news. “As soon as we have a decent apartment we can even invite him over if you two get along. And even if not- no one forces you to.”

“Is he gay?” Kyungwon asked in between for no reason whatsoever, brushing the back of his hand over his eyes to remove the remaining tears.

“No, he’s more into women, but my mother was very scared that my gayness is contagious, it was hard.” Hoseok sighed remembering all the ridiculous attempts of his mother to not allow more than simple interaction, thinking Changkyun would start liking men, or that Hoseok would start liking Changkyun for no fucking reason. It had been so fucking dumb, really.

“Sure, it’s contagious, just need to be hot enough,” Kyungwon commented with a grin before he must have seen the expression on Hoseok’s face and kissed him right after. “She really forced you guys apart because of that? That’s pretty heavy. Our mother had no real emotional reaction to our sexuality because we were basically impossible to separate, taking baths together etcetera. At some point she didn’t bother anymore, and dad always had affairs so she had enough work with that.”

“He did? Wow, relatable,” Hyungwon added and kissed Hoseok too, pressing his body a little closer from the side to join in on the embrace.

“I see we’re perfect for each other,” Hoseok commented and laughed with his mouth open, before wiping over Kyungwon’s wet cheeks. “And now let’s find a new apartment, fucking finally, I’m going nuts, seriously.” Standing up, he grabbed both brothers’ hands and pulled them up.

“I already told you my demands, it’s really not that hard and I think everything up to 1,5 million is alright, I don’t mind,” Kyungwon remarked and massaged his temples, probably still recovering from the adrenaline.

“Crazy fucker,” Hoseok muttered and grinned to himself.  
  
_  


It was a Saturday and Kyungwon had spent it while drinking coffee with him at Emma’s cafe and looking at ridiculously expensive apartments. Hoseok wanted to slap him for even considering buying any of those. Then they went clothes shopping and he had to stop the other man from blowing him in one of the changing rooms with the argument that ‘the clothes are so fucking expensive that it’s okay to use the cubical to get his dick sucked’, ending with throwing themselves on top of the couch in their apartment, missing Hyungwon by an hour because the other man had a course in the evening and they hadn’t managed to return before that.

“Holy fuck, is this how you lived until now?” he asked, feeling how the couch gave out a little and he had Kyungwon’s lean body on top of his lap all of a sudden.

“Sitting on your lap with the knowledge that both of us could be naked any second? No. If you mean shopping and blowing people in the changing room- maybe?” The black-haired man chuckled and began nibbling on his neck, making his way downwards while his fingers already unbuttoned the cotton shirt that Hoseok had decided to wear that morning. Kyungwon was so fucking hot and had teased him the whole day, mercilessly. Throwing the bags, he had held in his hands away, he curled his arms around the other man’s lean body, immediately slipping under the silk shirt that emphasized his waist.

“I am of the popular opinion that you should be inside of me instead of wasting your potential on those jeans, which look gorgeous on you by the way,” his boyfriend murmured with a grin and slipped low enough to mouth at Hoseok’s erection, still confined in his jeans. “I am also hoping that by distracting you successfully and asking you questions while you fuck me into the mattress, I will be able to convince you to take that gigantic apartment in the center because it’s the best thing ever.”

“You’re fucking nuts,” he moaned and curled his fingers into Kyungwon’s perfectly styled hair. “Shit, I thought I would die today, you fucking tease.” Hissing, Hoseok slipped a little lower with his hips. “How many more people do you want to move in with you? Ten? I already have enough with Hyungwon and you, thank you very much.”

“I just want to have enough variety when it comes to places I can ravish you,” his boyfriend replied and pulled his zipper down with his teeth, grin in place. “I hope you’re up for a treat.” Using his long fingers to quickly undo his button and slip under the fabric of his briefs, Kyungwon gave Hoseok’s dick a few nice strokes while his pink tongue licked a stripe from the base to the tip, teasing the slit like he loved doing.

_Well fuck._

Kyungwon was doing much better after his brother literally told their mother to fuck off. The other man seemed more confident again and had a higher libido. Way higher. Like this one time two days ago where Hoseok had fucked him twice in a row and was absolutely drained after Hyungwon came home and wanted some love too, being sulky that Hoseok was already half dead. But Kyungwon was also such a tease that he wasn't able to say no.

“Fuck, yes,” he groaned and pulled at the other man's hair, impatient to feel more. He grabbed the seam of Kyungwon's shirt and lifted it up until he let Hoseok pull it over his head.

“I knew you would be reasonable about this,” the gorgeous man whispered and almost purred before sucking on the tip of his erection, easily letting it enter his mouth the first few centimeters, just to pull back again. “I’m taking that as a yes to the apartment, babe.”

“No, you're not,“ he groaned and looked down between his legs. He shouldn't have done it. Kyungwon knew exactly what to do to make him snap like a fucking twig, teasing the tip of his dick, while looking like a five course meal with his golden skin on display.

“Want me?” the black-haired man breathed out, tongue not really leaving the tip of his dick. Kyungwon’s eyes were basically black, watching him intently and only waiting for him to snap and bend him over.

_Fuck. Fucking shit._

“You fucker,” he whispered, not able to remove his eyes from the other man's form. “You gorgeous, teasing fucker, of course I want you, shit,” he exhaled and slipped down on his knees pinning Kyungwon to the carpet and clashing their lips together as if he had starved for days.

The other man moaned, not restraining the sound in any way and hips easily sliding upwards to increase the friction at their groins.

“Then take me, Hoseok,” the low voice whispered into his ear as teeth nibbled on his earlobe, adding to the sensation of long fingers pulling his hair a little, moving him closer to the sensitive skin of Kyungwon’s neck.

Hoseok complied immediately, sucking and licking over the smooth skin and leaving tiny marks with his teeth, just like Kyungwon liked it. Reaching down, he made quick work with the other man's skinny jeans and broke the contact to slide them down his long legs before removing his own t-shirt.

Kyungwon grinned as he grabbed Hoseok’s palm and led it towards his lips, easily inserting the index and middle finger into his mouth while drawing circles around them with his tongue. After a few moments he finally let go and licked over his own lips, exhaling sharply through his nose.

“Get in then,” he whispered as he simply spread his legs, not even giving Hoseok the possibility to take off his jeans and leading his coated fingers where he wanted them.

_Lube._

He jumped up and reached for the drawer next to the couch, getting out the small bottle and lubing up in a matter of seconds without bothering to take his jeans off.

“Shit, fuck me, Hoseok,” the black-haired man moaned and threw his head back, legs spreading further as his hands pulled him closer without any signs of patience, curling around his biceps and tugging. “Get inside me, I want to feel you.”

“Fuck, how can you drive me so fucking crazy like this,” he groaned and propped up on one arm, lining up and circling his tip around the other man's entrance.

“I’m just good at giving you what you want,” Kyungwon hissed and basically pushed against him while chewing on his cheek, visibly impatient to finally feel him. “Come on.”

“You are. You are what I want,” he groaned, almost dying to be inside Kyungwon and knowing that the other man could see it perfectly. Pushing with more pressure, he moaned at the hot tightness that surrounded him instantly.

Kyungwon almost screamed at the sensation, digging his nails into Hoseok’s back and motivating him to bend him in half, harsh gasps constantly leaving his plump lips.

“Drive me mad, I want you,” the gorgeous man whispered and kissed his lips, licking inside his mouth while scratching along his muscular back, probably leaving thin, red lines.

He wanted to drive him mad and he wanted to hear those unrestrained screams he loved so much. It took only a couple of seconds until their thighs touched and Hoseok started moving while bending Kyungwon's body as far as his previous hip fracture allowed, picking up the pace and alternating sensual thrusts with rough slams.

Kyungwon screamed at each well aimed thrust, crossing his legs behind Hoseok’s back and repeatedly moaning his name. The other man had gotten less proud, so that the right treatment allowed Hoseok to hear his beautiful low voice asking for more, muttering his name and meeting every motion of his hips with one of his own.

“Holy shit, fuck me on all fours, Hoseok,” the black-haired managed to gasp as he threw his head to the side, moaning loudly at another thrust inside of his lean body.

“Everything you want, fuck,” he moaned and pulled out, helping Kyungwon up and waiting until the other man positioned himself as he liked. He had learned not to manhandle the black-haired man for no reason.

He was met with a teasing grin as Kyungwon bit down on his lower lip. The other glanced over his shoulder before he nodded at him and leaned over, keeping his lower body up, right in Hoseok’s face.

_What a tease._

He couldn't contain himself and licked over the other man's entrance once before lining up and pushing himself inside the pulsating heat, feeling how Kyungwon relaxed deliberately, making it easier for him. After a few seconds he started moving, slow then a little faster before he simply slammed into the other man's body, encouraged by the loud groans and half screams.

“Shit- Hoseok, you asshole, you drive me fucking mad,” his boyfriend muttered, not bothering to hold his head up anymore as he pushed back and dug his hands into the soft carpet below them. “You’re the first person I would allow to rim me, fuck.”

_Oh god, it's like Christmas, Hoseok._

“I want to rim you so fucking bad, you're delicious,” muttering the words between his loud pants he let his palm slide over Kyungwon's beautiful, smooth back, letting his nails scratch along his spine softly. “Do you want me to touch you?”

“Fuck no,” the other man gasped and shook his head quickly, arching his back. “Just keep doing what you’re doing, fuck- your hands.”

He let both his palms roam over Kyungwon's sides and shoulders, grabbing his hips roughly and slamming into his gorgeous body, moaning and barely holding out his orgasm. It didn’t take long until the gorgeous man convulsed around him, pulling him deeper as he screamed his name and allowed his body to fall forward a little while remaining stable enough for Hoseok to move which he did, because he almost exploded with Kyungwon's orgasm. It took a few seconds before he saw stars in front of his eyelids and released himself inside the other man's hot body with a loud groan of his name.

“Shit, fucking shit, I love to feel you cum,” Kyungwon muttered while audibly trying to catch his breath, chest rising and falling quickly.

“I fucking love to come inside you, you feel so fucking amazing, shit, Kyungwon, what are you doing to me?” he whined and reached for the drawer without pulling out to get the tissues and clean himself and the gorgeous black haired man who stretched his gorgeous butt towards him.

“Spoiled brat. I fucking love you, fuck my life.”

“Need more tissues?” he heard behind them, followed by the sound of a bag hitting the ground.

_Hyungwon._

That was kinda weird considering their position, but he tried to act nonchalant.

“It's fine. You're already back, I thought it'd take longer, are you tired?” he asked and pulled Kyungwon's underwear over his legs after closing the button of his own jeans.

“I also thought it would take longer, sorry to disappoint. I’m okay actually, but I guess you two are pretty tired out now.” Hyungwon walked past them towards the kitchen, filling a glass of water judging by the sound of an overhead cupboard opening and the tap running.

_Disappoint? Why would he think that he disappoints you by coming earlier?_

He looked at Kyungwon before pressing a tender kiss on his lips and stood up, ready to give Hyungwon his unlimited attention.

_There's something up, isn't there?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 14th of October at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

Freedom was such a subjective thing. For one person it could be the general belief that they could go anywhere and do anything, for others it was the possibility to say what was on their minds. Both of these have never really been a problem for Kyungwon. He acted mostly as he deemed fit and didn't hesitate to say what he thought, there was no point in being timid.

But for him freedom had a different connotation, the meaning that there wasn't a person standing behind him and checking everything he did, just waiting for the right moment to make him miserable. It still seemed impossible that his mother hadn't attempted to contact him again. Sure, she closed his credit cards, but he had private ones and he had his own account too, one she couldn't touch even if she had wanted to. It felt surreal to be his own person, to look at apartments with Hoseok and spend every free minute that he had available with the gorgeous, blonde man.

He had never been this happy, it was easily said and Kyungwon had enough proof to show for it. The way he couldn't stop smiling, how he was basically sticking to Hoseok like glue and cooking everything his boyfriend happened to mention that he liked.

Hyungwon was busy with the dancing school and the sudden explosion of preparations he had to deal with. His brother was dancing nonstop and when he returned he was either dead tired or the two of them were asleep already, so it was difficult to see him.

_You're also gone with Hoseok most of the time, choosing apartments._

Kyungwon was absolutely in love with a gigantic apartment that looked like heaven with how much light got through the expansive windows. Hoseok was still hesitant because it was ridiculously expensive but Kyungwon was determined to convince him. Usually it wasn't hard to get what he wanted, Hoseok was a soft soul at heart.

“Come on, you know that it was the best one we looked at,” he remarked with an eyeroll and gestured towards the sheet of paper on which he noted the pros and cons of the apartments they considered worth taking.

Kyungwon felt a little bad that they weren't including Hyungwon in the process, but his brother seemed fine with it, busy with his work.

“I don't know, I hate spending money,” his boyfriend whined and put the piece of paper on the table with a pout.

“Yes, but for money you get nice things, baby. So, we're going to spend money and live in comfort, deal?” He grinned and pinched Hoseok’s cheek before placing a kiss right on the adorable pout on the other man's face. “I'll pay for the majority, you can just spoil me with bath bombs or something.”

He grabbed a red pen and drew a heart around the apartment he wanted, adding wings for effect.

“I just wanted to imagine Hyungwon's face when he sees how much this castle costs, but I can only see your barbaric grin, I forget what your brother looks like, fuck my life,” Hoseok exclaimed and grabbed his face with both palms before kissing his squished lips.

Kyungwon instantly slapped his chest for compromising his face like that and could barely contain the tiny spark of guilt about never seeing Hyungwon.

_You mean never letting Hyungwon see Hoseok._

“He's just busy,” he murmured and although it was technically true, he knew his brother well enough to tell that it was artificial business, one a person created for themselves to not deal with something problematic. “Wanna go somewhere?”

“Why? Want to try to make me horny in more public places? It wasn't enough yet?” The blonde man grabbed his waist and pulled him flush against his muscular chest.

“Maybe,” Kyungwon purred and threw himself back on the kitchen table, taking Hoseok along. “Not my fault you're that easy.”

Just when Kyungwon curled his legs around Hoseok’s hips they heard the door open in the hallway.

_He's earlier than usual._

“Oh, it's Hyungwon!” Hoseok sounded happy but couldn't move because of Kyungwon's legs around his hips.

It was dumb and selfish, but he didn't want to let go, not now and not ever. He hummed in agreement and pulled Hoseok closer by the collar, kissing his lips intently.

There were steps next to them as Hyungwon must have entered the kitchen.

“Don't defile the kitchen table,” his brother mumbled and grabbed a glass for himself, instantly filling it with water and drinking it. “I'll just do what I always do then, sit around and contemplate life.”

“No, you won't, I missed you!” Hoseok peeled his legs from his hips and walked over to his brother, immediately curling his arms around him and giving him short kisses on his cheeks, nose and lips, stroking over his hair, just like the way Kyungwon loved to get his hair touched.

_He got used to you, didn't he?_

Kyungwon just remained on the table, watching them intently as his brother appeared to release a long breath and just jumped up, kissing Hoseok intensively while gasping into his mouth. It was unexpected and not really like him.

Hoseok looked surprised, but caught him and twirled him around, kissing him sensually as if he was fucking starving even though he had been kissing Kyungwon five seconds ago.

_Because he likes you both and you keep trying to take over everything that he has._

Kyungwon swallowed uncomfortably and glanced at the sheet of paper on the table.

“We decided on an apartment, Won, wanna hear what it’s like?” he asked while both men were basically devouring each other’s mouths. It felt like screaming into the void with how nothing happened, and his brother merely threw his head back, blush instantly covering his cheeks.

“Yes, Kyungwon wants this castle, but I want to know your opinion,” Hoseok muttered before basically ravishing his brother’s neck.

“Both of you don’t really seem fond of discussing apartments,” Kyungwon replied and pursed his lips. Fuck, he felt left out, seriously left out.

_But you did the exact same with Hyungwon, taking over Hoseok until it was too late, and you just went to bed._

“I missed you,” Hyungwon whispered into Hoseok’s ear and stroked over his hair. It seemed desperate how the black-haired man was kissing his boyfriend, licking into his mouth and pressing himself as close as possible, slim body flush against the other man.

_He’s not only your boyfriend, you’re sharing, Kyungwon._

It hadn’t really felt like sharing over past few weeks, not with how Kyungwon had been able to see the blonde man every day, going for coffee, looking at apartments, having mind-blowing sex and being able to have strong arms curled around his lean body. It had been everything he ever wanted, but apparently, he was the only one who felt that way.

_Because Hyungwon feels different, you’re taking him away from him._

“Aren't you tired, babe? I hope not, because I missed you so fucking much, shit,” Hoseok groaned and cupped his brothers butt, rolling his hips in the process.

Hyungwon shook his head furiously while moaning at the way Hoseok touched him.

_That's enough._

“Guys, I'm also here, hi,” Kyungwon hissed and clenched his fingers around the edge of the table. It felt crazy that his boyfriend had been basically between his legs and left in the middle of it.

_You didn't mind before though, you just joined in. Are you being possessive?_

He probably was, but he couldn't help it.

Hoseok turned around with a surprised expression on his face.

“Mh? Is something wrong?” he asked before attaching his lips to Hyungwon's neck.

“I just feel kind of abandoned on the table, you know,” Kyungwon replied nonchalantly and shrugged with his shoulders, easily slipping into a mask of ignorance. He rarely did it anymore, but somehow, he couldn’t help it.

“I see,” Hyungwon commented although he hadn’t been talking to him, still distracting Hoseok with the way he moved his slim body. That boy was a dancer and it was obvious.

_Unfair._

“Why would you feel aband- oh god, fuck.” Hoseok couldn't manage to finish a fucking sentence as his brother rolled his hips and bared his neck for the blonde man to ravish.

_That asshole._

Kyungwon had never thought about his brother like that, but the intention was obvious, he didn’t want Hoseok to stop touching him, independent of what Kyungwon was doing. He just wanted to grab Hoseok and pull him away from the black-haired man, to curl his arms around him and make sure he wouldn’t be able to leave anymore.

Biting down on his cheek, Kyungwon jumped down from the table and curled his arms around Hoseok’s waist from behind, feeling how his brother’s chest pushed against his arms. He nibbled on his boyfriend’s neck, attempting to get his attention.

“I need a lot of attention, babe,” he whispered and sucked the other man’s earlobe into his mouth.

Hoseok hissed and threw his head back while moving his hips against Hyungwon's body.

“You're driving me crazy, you tease,” Hoseok groaned at him and pushed Hyungwon against the wall, as a reaction to his ministrations. He should've pushed Kyungwon against the wall instead.

It felt like a fight although it wasn’t supposed to be one. He wanted to just grab Hoseok and pull him towards himself, to remove him from the wall and the way he pinned his brother against it. The short moment at which his eyes met Hyungwon’s was only a confirmation, his brother looked focused, like he knew exactly what he was doing.

_Is he provoking you?_

It didn't seem like Hyungwon at all. His brother was timid and shy and easily got embarrassed, definitely not somebody who jumped Hoseok and rolled his hips like a fucking stripper.

Kyungwon could see how Hyungwon leaned in and whispered something in his boyfriend’s ear, something he couldn’t hear but that made him furious independently.

Hoseok nodded and kissed his brother's lips, before turning to him.

“I'll be back,” the blonde man said and smiled, carrying Hyungwon away towards their bedroom, while his brother stared at him over Hoseok's shoulder like an asshole.

_He told him that he wants to be alone._

Kyungwon wanted to punch a wall, hard. It didn’t take long for him to make his way to the hallway, slip into his shoes and leave the apartment, closing it with a loud enough noise to give his brother at least a feeling that vaguely resembled a heart attack.

If there was something he wasn’t going to do, then it was listen to them getting it on while he had to chill out in the living room and pretend that he didn’t feel excluded. He had no idea where to go but he was going to figure that out later.

Unfortunately, later was absolutely meaningless as his legs carried him easily to a familiar wooden door, like someone in need of advice which he wasn't. He didn’t need advice, he just needed Hyungwon to keep his fucking hands off.

_Since when do you feel like this?_

It was a little disgusting, but he couldn’t help it. He felt jealous, jealous although his brother had been there first and his brother had barely seen Hoseok for the past two weeks because Kyungwon took over him like a damn curse.

He groaned and pressed the bell anyway. Who knew, maybe he needed advice after all.

The door opened and Kihyun brushed his wet bangs back, the other man must've come out of the shower, wearing sweatpants only.

“Kyungwon! Are you here to get your furniture?” He grinned and opened the door wide for him to come inside.

“Nah, too early, but we did kind of decide on an apartment. I just don’t really know what my lovely brother thinks about it because he was too busy sucking face,” Kyungwon remarked with an eye roll and let himself fall on the couch as soon as he threw his shoes to the side. He was still furious.

“Why, was it his turn and you got upset? How do you even decide who's turn it is? Wait, don't tell me, I don't want to know, oh god,” Kihyun murmured and went to the kitchen, fumbling with glasses, until he appeared in the living room and put a glass with some red liquid next to him.

“We don’t decide, it’s just usually mine because Hyungwon is always at the dancing school and isn’t really the one to jump Hoseok. Until today that is.” Kyungwon groaned and threw his head back, fingers instantly sinking into his bangs to brush them off his forehead. This was frustrating because Hyungwon didn’t act like that usually. Hoseok was always with Kyungwon and even if he wasn’t, Kyungwon was part of it. That’s how it had worked until now.

“Oh, Hyungwon discovered proactive behavior? I'm so proud of him, I kept telling him that he can't just do nothing and expect things to change and it seems as if it worked.” Kihyun's lips spread in a smile before he took a long sip of his smoothie. “But I see that you're mad. Why? Because he got the attention for once, or why?”

“Whose side are you on?” Kyungwon grumbled and crossed his arms. He was being childish, and he was perfectly aware of that, but jealousy was a tricky thing. It didn’t disappear just because he knew that he had to be reasonable. “I’m angry because it seemed like he was provoking me, asking Hoseok to be alone with him. I’ve never done that.”

The other man looked at him for a couple of seconds, narrowing his gaze a little.

“Well, Hyungwon is my friend, you are my friend and Hoseok is the reason I’m alive, so I tend to lean towards Bunny in this case,” Kihyun commented and leaned against the backrest. “Hyungwon is someone who usually never voices his opinion and just keeps his thoughts to himself, so he must’ve been seriously fed up with something. Did you guys talk about it or-?”

_As if._

Kyungwon would have laughed at how Kihyun’s first question was always ‘have you talked about it?’ and his answer was always no. There were a few things that were easier to address than others. Sharing a boyfriend and being greedy was one of the more difficult ones.

_Hyungwon must have been angry at the way you kept stealing Hoseok away. He actually has every right to be, you’re meant to share after all._

“I can’t help it, I just feel miserable without attention and sex, so I make sure I get it.”

“And Bunny is fucking hooked on you so he complies. The thing is just- do you feel miserable because Hyungwon got his attention or because it was taken away from you? It’s clear that you’re jealous and to be honest I’m glad that you are. It was way too mental to have a three way relationship without having jealousy issues even once. It’s human, but let me get dressed first,” Kihyun muttered with a grin before running towards his room and coming back wearing a simple, white shirt.

“I have to admit that there is something about you, kitten, that makes my libido vanish into thin air,” Kyungwon remarked with a grin, checking out the other man shamelessly. A few seconds were enough until he groaned again, remembering his issues.

_You can’t just fight over him like this, one of you will be miserable._

Until now it had been Hyungwon, but Kyungwon wasn’t really willing to admit that yet. It sounded too heavy.

“Hyungwon and I don’t argue, not really at least. The only times were when I teased him too much or when it was about his mental health, otherwise we are perfectly in agreement. I don't mind that he has Hoseok, that’s not the problem. I just want Hoseok too, without being left sitting on the fucking table because my brother has dancer hips. Fucking hell.”

“First of all, fuck you and your libido, you think I forgot how you tried to flirt with me the first time I met your rude ass? Second, you think you got left on the table because Hyungwon has dancer hips? Why were you on the table in the first place? Wait- Hoseok told me you climbed over the table being mental as fuck back then, I take everything back. I’ll ask you a question and you have to give me an honest answer, okay?” The brown-haired man turned and pulled his legs up, changing into a cross-legged position and staring at him.

“Fine,” Kyungwon muttered and hoped it wasn’t anything too heavy that would instantly awaken his self-protection instincts.

“If there were two chairs and you sat on one of them and your brother sat on the other, both of you dressed the same and looking similar, Hoseok was then given the choice to pick one chair, while knowing who is who. Who do you think he would pick?” Kihyun kept staring and it looked intimidating. The other man was really good at shit like this.

“Well-” Kyungwon began and contemplated the question. There were two different answers, one that felt like the truth and one that his brain told him was the truth. “My feeling tells me he would choose Hyungwon and my head tells me he would sit down in the middle and cry while refusing to do it.”

“But isn’t it funny, how you think that he would choose Hyungwon even though you just told me that you’re always the one who has Hoseok’s attention, time and sex? It doesn’t make sense, don’t you think?” The other man tilted his head a little and examined his face intently.

_It doesn’t, Kyungwon. Are you pointlessly fighting for something?_

“I don’t know, it’s stupid but there is just something to the fact that I came later, you know? Hoseok loved Hyungwon from the beginning, even when he met me and we interacted, so it’s like I am the addition, so wouldn’t it be easier to abandon the addition?” He sighed because it sounded belittling and that really wasn't his style. He didn’t think he was worth less than Hyungwon, or that his brother was the better choice for Hoseok. All of those thoughts didn’t apply anymore, but familiarity would have spoken for Hyungwon, they have more common memories together, issues that they solved. “Maybe I’m just trying to remain relevant, but I don’t know how to stop. I just need to have his arms around me at all times, I feel like I’ll go mad otherwise.”

_But why though? What could happen?_

“The thing is that you’re jealous. Why are you jealous? Jealousy mostly results from fear and insecurities. Are you still insecure about your position in the relationship? I mean, I understand you, it must be really strange to take care of your brother for such a long time and then witness him liberating himself all of a sudden. The thing is that it’s something positive, it won’t make you less worthy. Hyungwon is most definitely jealous too, but it must be really new to him as he usually thinks that other people deserve things more than him. It must’ve changed, so he started to act. You didn’t talk about this, so of course it’s a mess, you might act possessive and Hyungwon reacts with manipulation and provocation, because that’s what he can do without screaming at you.” Kihyun sighed and threw his head back, brushing over his bangs repeatedly. “Fact is, Hoseok is equally invested, he even talks more about you when he talks to me because you drive him nuts, I don’t think it’s about who was there first, it’s about the quality of the relationship you three have.”

“I hate it when you make sense,” Kyungwon murmured and brushed through his hair again, wondering how he could talk to Hyungwon without accidentally wishing to choke him. Manipulation was running pretty strong in their family, it was easier than actually talking. “I know Hoseok loves me, it’s obvious and I’ve never been this happy in my fucking life. I just need to...get a balance I guess. I really need this, I need the touches and the opportunity to just come home and be hugged for an hour or two. I don’t know how difficult that is for Hyungwon, he’s been avoiding us until today.”

_And you’ve been avoiding him by taking Hoseok to random places that you like._

“But- how about talking about your wishes? You better make sure to not upset Bunny, or I’ll kill you both, I don’t care, honestly.” The other man narrowed his gaze and shot a finger gun at him. It was adorable even though Kihyun looked like a tiny cat in a SWAT team.

“Maybe you should have done a different major,” he commented with a grin and placed a kiss on the tip of his index finger before pressing it to the other man’s thin lips. “I’ll go back and be all dramatic, challenge Hyungwon to a duel. Not.”

“Yeah, please do and invite me for a fucking coffee at least, you spoiled, ignorant brat!” Kihyun pushed him and he almost flew against the armrest. Wow.

“Where do you hide those muscles, I’m having a first time encounter with them,” he replied but felt like he was slowly crossing over the other man’s line of tolerance. He hadn’t really done that before and something told him that it was a pretty bad idea. “Bunny will be safe, we love him too much. Thank you, Kihyun, I’ll buy you dinner.”

“I work out, it’s just that nature has limits.” The other man grinned and slapped his shoulder before standing up and walking him to the door.

“Not to be a sappy literature major, but as Shakespeare once said: ‘Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.’ So go and fucking attempt.”

It was slightly strange because Kyungwon really wasn’t somebody who was easily affected by words, but there was something to the way Kihyun said it and the way he looked at him. It seemed like the other man genuinely wished him the best even though he kept being an arrogant asshole.

“You know- you’re a really good person, Kihyun. I can’t say that about a lot of people, but you are definitely one. I can also understand your frustration with the limits of nature, I also work out, but yeah.” He chuckled and decided to fuck it as he reached out and hugged his friend’s shoulders, patting his back a few times. Kihyun hugged back for a short while before leaning back.

“I’m thankful that I didn’t kill you back then, even though I really wanted to. You told me I had rabies, you rude asshole.” The other man grinned and patted his shoulder.

Kyungwon smiled at that, remembering that he was indeed an asshole to the other man, provoking him pointlessly because he had insulted him, thinking he was Hyungwon. He couldn’t help the strange sensation in his chest, like their current conversation was meaningful, without pretense and insults.

“It sounds a little sad, but you’re my first real friend.”

“It’s not sad, I really don’t want to say it because you’ll think that you’re all that with your arrogant stare, but you’re squeezing my emotions today for no fucking reason, anyway I’m really happy to know you. You’re an amazing person and I see why Hoseok loves you so much. And now go away.” Opening the door, Kihyun stared to the side.

Kyungwon chewed on his cheek, unable to help the way he reacted to the words. Turning away and finally letting go he merely nodded before walking through the door.

_Now you just need to fucking attempt._

_

 

 

Adrenaline was already pumping through his blood when he entered their apartment, steps echoing a little as they always did when he wore formal shoes. It was deadly quiet, no moans, no talking and no TV.

Kyungwon would have thought that he was alone if his brother’s shoes weren’t in the shoe rack, the ones he always wore.

_He doesn't even bother to say hi, he must be pretty angry at you._

Inhaling sharply, he walked through and repeated Kihyun's words in his head, telling himself that he had to share what he wanted and listen to what his brother wanted too.

He found the black-haired man in the living room, wearing headphones while performing rather complex looking leg movements, turning smoothly while brushing through his hair as if it was part of the choreography. Maybe it was.

Kyungwon didn't bother waiting and just walked over, pulling the other man's headphones from his head, earning an incredulous look.

“Where have you been?” Hyungwon asked, but it didn't sound as soft as it usually did, instantly driving Kyungwon up the wall.

_If he's not nice, why would you be?_

“Why, wondering why I didn't listen to you getting off? Sorry, I had better things to do.”

Hyungwon eyes widened a little like he hadn’t expected such a comment, lips pulling together and almost disappearing from his face.

“And I have to? Every fucking day? When I come home from work, when I come home for a break, when I wake up in the morning. What is this? Why do I have to deal with this then if you can just avoid it?” His brother clenched his fists while staring at him, blush spreading on his cheeks but for an utterly different reason.

_You upset him._

“He's my boyfriend too, Hyungwon. What are you going to do? Stop him from sleeping with me?” he asked and shrugged, anger only building up further. Even if his brother was upset there was no need to attack him like that.

“That's the exact fucking point, Kyungwon, he's your boyfriend and my boyfriend. He can do whatever the fuck he wants and if he wants you that's fine with me, but it doesn't mean that you have to curl your arms around him and attach yourself to his hip. You're not alone, I'm here too and I need some love too, you selfish asshole.” Hyungwon was breathing heavily as he stepped closer and grabbed his shirt, pulling him closer. For a very short moment Kyungwon felt like his brother was going to hit him, but he didn't. “I wouldn't take him away if it wasn't my only way of seeing him. You're the one taking him away. It's you, Kyungwon, fucking you, because when I'm with him you do everything to pull him back, to seduce him to sleep with you. Do you see me do that? No, because I just wanted to have a hug and talk to him but you fucking panic like I'm trying to take him away.”

The words echoed in the room, intense and loud, repeating in his head even when his brother had stopped talking.

“But I need the attention,” he replied eventually and curled his hands around his brother's that were still holding onto the fabric of his shirt.

“Then fucking get it, but don't throw yourself at him to keep him away from me. It's not just about you and me, Kyungwon. If Hoseok wants to see me then he can see me, do you understand? He is not a service you can book. Hoseok is a human and he has feelings and he loves you and enjoys being with you, you fit his rather vivid libido better than I do, but don't take him away from me. Not when he wants to hug me, nor when he wishes to see and talk to me.” The grip on his shirt loosened as Hyungwon sighed and looked to the ground, shaking a little. “I'm jealous too, of course I am. You're able to make him want you and abandon common sense in a matter of seconds, whereas he's always very controlled with me. It's nice and I also can't offer him my body as much as you can, I just don't need it to that degree. But still you don't see me taking him away, pulling him away from you when you wish to be close, do you? I did that today, how did it feel? Did you like that? That's how I’ve felt over the last two weeks and I'm going to be happy now and not think about why I'm not enough, do you understand me, Kyungwon? Don't you dare make me feel like I'm not enough, you're the last person who should be doing that.”

_Holy shit, holy fucking shit._

Kyungwon’s eyes widened as the words registered in his head, the way Hyungwon looked angry and close to tears at the same time, like he had piled all those thoughts up inside his head until he finally managed to pronounce them, to tell Kyungwon that he was hurt and tired of it.

_You were a possessive shit, taking him away just because you were scared even though there was nothing to be scared of. Nothing at all._

“Fuck, Hyungwon, I-" he murmured, overwhelmed by the outburst and the way his brother was shaking in front of him, frustration, anger and hurt dissolving into one gigantic clusterfuck. “I'm sorry, I just- I keep feeling like I need to do something, so it stays, so he keeps his attention on me. It's stupid but I just did it. I was scared.”

“Why would you be, Kyungwon? You're gorgeous, interesting, successful and he even dealt with mom for you. There are so many things that should be proof enough, what more do you need?” Hyungwon sounded resigned, sighing loudly and turning away like he needed a break, a moment to calm down.

Kyungwon couldn't help the feeling of loneliness that crept in, the sensation that he was breaking things around himself with his never-ending fear of rejection and opening up.

_Why can't you just fucking say what you really think?_

It was the same as always, his brother was the one who looked like he needed help but actually it was him. It was always him, cracking under pressure and needing the affection.

“What’s going on?” Hoseok’s face appeared in the doorway, the other man looked hesitant.

“Bitch fight,” Hyungwon remarked unexpectedly and groaned, throwing himself on the couch. “I'm fucking tired of this and you have no damn inhibition, Hoseok.”

Taking his sweaty t-shirt off, as if Hyungwon didn’t just insult his inhibition, Hoseok walked over to the couch and leaned into his brother’s personal space, cupping his chin and staring down at him.

“You’re tired? Why are you tired? Because I have no inhibition? No inhibition towards what?” Hoseok asked and it looked fucking dangerous compared to the bunny-like hesitation when the blonde man peeked through the door.

Kyungwon would have already screamed at Hyungwon after such an accusation, but their dynamic was different. Instead of getting angry his brother pouted a little and glanced up at their common boyfriend, playing with the fabric of his shirt. If Kyungwon hadn't known what his brother looked like when he was bullshitting, he might have thought he was kidding him, but he wasn't.

“I just- I know I'm not a s-sex machine, but I also want to be close and you're always with Kyungwon. I know that he's attractive, but- but there were so many times I came home, and you didn't have any energy for me anymore. I don't want this to be a fight and I know that it's up to you, you can decide who you want to be with, but even when it is me Kyungwon tries to pull you back, to not have you be with me. It hurts.” The black-haired man was chewing on his bottom lip as he glanced up towards Hoseok, like he was convinced the blonde man had a solution to his concerns.

Hoseok leaned in and kissed his brother’s lips instead of offering a solution.

“You don’t have to be a fucking sex machine and I also want to be close to you. I’m sorry for the other times, I don’t know why it escalates so fast, but I’ll try to always have enough energy for you, okay? I missed you a lot over these past weeks though,” Hoseok whispered before changing his facial expression almost completely. “And now tell me why the fuck you are fighting? Because I can’t take you both at once? It worked out before, since when is this a competition?”

Kyungwon swallowed at that because compared to Hyungwon he probably was a sex machine and the image of Hoseok taking them both did things to him.

“Because I was being a scared idiot again, thinking that I need to attach you to myself to make you stay,” he whispered and glanced over to his brother who was still staring at Hoseok as if he was the eighth wonder of the world.

“And I felt like there was no way for me to get you apart from jumping you like today, although it's not me,” Hyungwon added and licked over his lips. There was something intimidating about Hoseok when he talked like that and Kyungwon had an inappropriate reaction to it.

Hyungwon blushed some more and pursed his lips.

“So, I screamed at him to stop making me feel like I'm not enough because he should know better and that it kills me to not have you close. It's difficult because Kyungwon needs so much attention.”

“To be honest, the only one who’s obviously not enough is me, because otherwise you two wouldn’t be having these ridiculous discussions. You need to attach yourself and you, Hyungwon, need to jump me? What the fuck is wrong with you? Or is it me? Am I acting like an idiot?” Hoseok brushed his sweaty bangs back and leaned in further awaiting an answer from Hyungwon while looking intimidating as fuck.

“N-no, i- it's not you at all. It's us, we're being dumb, I'm sorry, Hoseok. We're just- both jealous of each other although you love us both. I'm jealous because he's better at giving you the right amount of- of s-sex and he's jealous because he wants all your time and feels like you won't like him if you're with me too much. It's all stupid,” Hyungwon whispered and it almost seemed like he reacted the same way Kyungwon did, face red and thighs shivering a little.

_He's submissive as fuck, it probably fucks with his head and preferences._

“The right amount? He just provokes me all the time and I react, I can’t fucking help it, you’re probably right, I really have no inhibition. But I also don’t have inhibition when you are being the way you usually are,” the blonde man groaned while throwing his head back before returning his gaze. “So, how do you plan on solving this? Wanna battle it out?”

“W-what?” Hyungwon muttered as he glanced over towards Kyungwon. “Battle it out?”

“Only with blowjobs and a happy ending,” Kyungwon commented and hoped that nobody heard it, chewing on his cheek while thinking that the best solution was to just enjoy seeing Hyungwon with Hoseok. He did before, so what the hell happened for him to become greedy like that?

“Okay, you both sit the fuck down here.” Hoseok pointed at the couch and leaned back, crossing his arms in front of his muscular chest that was shimmering because of the sweat. For a few seconds Kyungwon wanted to resist and have Hoseok force him, but it was probably the wrong time for that.

Licking over his lips, he made his way over to the couch and sat down next to his brother.

“Good boy, and now you will face each other and say what the fuck it is that you want.” Hoseok narrowed his gaze and stared at their faces.

_For fuck’s sake._

“You,” Kyungwon replied and gestured towards Hoseok, chewing on his cheek a little. “I need you next to me. I've never been as happy as during the past few weeks when we were together and going places, fucking and just cuddling for hours. I- need that.”

“I don't mind that and I'm glad that you're happy,” Hyungwon replied and glanced to his hands that were still playing with his shirt. “But it's upsetting when he has no energy left for me, Kyungwon. It's like I don't matter and that hurts. You can do all those things and it's fine, but please don't be upset when I come home and kiss him and want to be close. I love him.”

“I know- I shouldn't be jealous but my brain just goes places and tells me that I'll get boring. It's dumb, I'm sorry. I'll try to work on it. I just hate being alone so much.” His chest hurt a little at the thought that he was arguing with his brother, the person that meant the most to him in his life.

“It’s fine to be jealous, I’m also jealous when you just sit on top of each other for hours and giggle without paying attention to me, but it’s fine, you just have to talk about your wishes. We can plan the shopping trips and everything else so that we can include Hyungwon more, it’s not that hard, seriously. And if you want to have your alone time with me just tell him, he will understand.” Hoseok opened the button of his jeans and pulled down his zipper while talking. “Whatever you want, I’m glad to serve,” he murmured and walked over to the bathroom.

_You were being stupid, creating problems instead of talking again._

“Oh no,” Hyungwon whispered and instantly jumped up, running to the door until he turned around and looked at Kyungwon. “Do you remember what I said about Hoseok’s opinion mattering too? That's what I meant, he's not just somebody you cuddle and fuck when you feel lonely.”

Kyungwon bit down on his tongue at the words, painfully. Hyungwon sounded like he was accusing him a little, but he had a point.

“You did the same, jumping him to get his attention instead of talking to him,” he replied and rubbed over his own thigh, thinking about what to do.

“I did, oh god- we're both idiots. Come on, I want him to be happy and I'm sure you do too. He's sensitive.” His brother's voice was softer as he spoke and he walked all the way back to the couch and curled his fingers around Kyungwon's wrist. “Let's go.”

It was a little amusing but also calming, that the two of them could argue and disagree but as soon as it was about Hoseok’s happiness they were holding hands.

_You're just both hopelessly in love with one person, like a whole made of two halves._

 

***

 

It was a mess. His love life was a mess. He had been waiting for a week for the brothers to finally talk things out, instead he was ripped apart by both of them, simultaneously or in succession. Hyungwon wanted him, Kyungwon wanted him, but no-one asked what the hell he wanted.

_Peace. You want them to stop fighting._

He felt like he had to lie down and sleep for a week, so it'd finally be over, it was like back then .

_Responsibilities. You feel responsible. But you don't have to, Hoseok._

He stood in the shower and let cold water freeze his warm muscles.

“H- Hoseok?” he heard someone ask, whispered hesitantly next to the door of the shower. It was obviously Hyungwon, no doubt biting down on his lower lip while holding Kyungwon by the hand.

_Discussing a three way relationship while being the only one who stands naked in the shower. It can’t get any more uncomfortable than that._

“What? Want to fight? Or is there anything more that you want?” he asked while looking to the side.

“Can we join?” Hyungwon asked carefully and opened the door a tiny bit, glancing inside. “I wanted to ask you what you want, apart from both of us being happy this time. Are you stressed with this? Do you need some time alone?”

“Come here,” he groaned and opened the door wide.

Kyungwon was faster than Hyungwon with how he pulled his jeans and underwear down and pulled his shirt over his head before stepping into the shower. Hyungwon followed after a few moments in which he slipped his loose sweatpants down his long legs, bit by bit.

“I'm sorry for being such a demanding bitch,” Kyungwon whispered before embracing him.

“I think it would be so much easier if we didn’t think that any of us belong to the respective other, just like our time doesn’t belong to anyone. We are all here because we want to be, not because I’m ‘your boyfriend’ or ‘you’re the one I spend my free time with’.” He sighed and pulled Kyungwon into a hug, waiting for Hyungwon to join in.

“I know, and I also know that you are right, and then there are my feelings going ‘look how crappy you feel, you need a hug’ and that basically makes me demanding,” Kyungwon mumbled into his shoulder until Hyungwon curled his arms around them hesitantly, looking up at Hoseok.

“I am just worried that you don’t have time for yourself although you need it sometimes, like me,” he whispered and nibbled on his lips.

“My problem is, I can’t differentiate between the times when you really need me from the times when you’re just bored and use me as entertainment.” He looked at Kyungwon and tightened his arm around the other man’s body. They needed a big shower. Definitely.

“When I suddenly pop up in front of you and tease the shit out of you for no reason that’s usually me killing  time with sex and proximity. When I pop up and sit down on your lap that usually means I feel lonely and need to get my hair stroked.” A smile passed Kyungwon’s lips as he spoke, like he thought it was a little amusing.

“I agree, he’s really affectionate and touchy when he needs someone, like now when he came and instantly hugged you,” Hyungwon added and leaned his head against his brother’s shoulder. “I’m sorry for arguing. I felt really bad about it, but I also needed a really long time to be able to speak up, so please don’t be too angry with me. I cried at the dancing studio and I’ve never done that before. Hyunwoo got scared and called Kihyun.”

It was about time that he started paying Kihyun for being his relationship therapist. And regular therapist.

“We need a bigger shower. And stop fighting because of me, that makes me feel really bad. But I’m happy with how far you’ve come, Hyungwon, from wanting me to fuck Kyungwon to not wanting me to fuck Kyungwon. What a development,” he chuckled and pinched Hyungwon’s pretty butt.

The difference in their facial expressions was hilarious with how Hyungwon blushed a little and glanced to the side, probably due to the fact that it was the truth, and how Kyungwon’s eyes widened and he stared at Hoseok in disbelief.

“I still can’t believe he asked you to do that, it’s- strange. Either way, don’t worry, Hoseok, from now on we’ll just cuddle and kiss until you decide to bless us with your presence.” A grin suddenly materialized on the gorgeous face as his boyfriend looked at him. “Also, maybe this is the wrong moment but that apartment we were looking at had a gigantic shower and an equally gigantic bathtub. Just saying.”

Kyungwon was officially the most persistent person Hoseok had ever met

“You know what? Just tell Hyungwon how much it is and fight about that instead, I don’t care, I just don’t want you to be ugly to each other because of me, it makes me sad.” Loosening his embrace, he grabbed the shower gel and cleaned his body, not paying attention to the two gorgeous men right next to him. On purpose.

“Hoseok, can I ask you something?” Hyungwon suddenly whispered while almost automatically taking over the action and running his fingers along Hoseok’s chest and arms, spreading the shower gel thoroughly while staring at the way the foam appeared on his pale skin. When they showered together the other man had always loved to take over, especially with how fascinated he was by Hoseok’s body.

“Always.” He watched how Hyungwon’s long fingers slid over his skin in smooth motions, it looked hot.

“When-” Hyungwon glanced over to his brother who was watching intently, eyes betraying his thoughts in a matter of seconds. “When you sleep with Kyungwon and- and then with me, do you e-ever think ‘wow his legs are pretty scarred up, ew’? I know I shouldn’t think that and that you like me the way I am, but the comparison still makes me think. After all- after all it’s really obvious like this.” The other man glanced down at his own legs, covered with small scars.

It was still scary, how Hyungwon sometimes showed self-depreciating thought patterns, but they had it under control pretty well because the other man had promised to talk about it and Hoseok was always there to prove them wrong and to bring new arguments into the discussion.

“No, not even once. But you know what I do think sometimes? I think ‘fuck, the way he blushes and looks to the side, that’s so fucking hot’ or ‘look how he tells you what he wants, stuttering a little and looking so fucking gorgeous, you need to wreck him’.” Hoseok smirked and leaned in to place a quick kiss on Hyungwon’s plump lips. He was so beautiful, mouth spreading in a bright smile that he instantly covered up with his fingers and eyes turning into crescents.

Those were the moments when Kyungwon and him agreed perfectly, aware of what Hyungwon needed and how they had to act. Despite the comparison the black-haired man wasn’t upset at all, although Hoseok was only complimenting the shy man in front of him. Instead of reacting negatively, Kyungwon just sank to the ground and placed a kiss to Hyungwon’s thigh, catching his brother off guard, eyes widening.

“W- why?” he muttered, long fingers curling around Hoseok’s wrist.

“I think it makes you special, to me you’ve always looked like that and I think I wouldn’t like it any other way. Everyone can have legs like mine, but remember when I told you what kind of patterns the scars made? I still think so and the one on your right thigh looks like a flower with the way it is arranged. It’s my favorite.”

It was really beautiful. Not the words and not the kiss in itself, but the fact that there were three people sharing an insane amount of love with each other, showing it and living it, hereby making themselves happy.

“I love you both so fucking much. You’re really my family, thank you for loving me,” he whispered and bit down on his lip, overwhelmed by the warmth in his chest. Hyungwon glanced up from the way he had been looking at his brother and smiled at him, this time without covering its beauty with his palm.

“I love you too, Hoseok, you mean the world to me and I still cannot believe that somebody as beautiful and pure as you would wish to be with me.” Curling his arms around his neck, the black-haired man placed a kiss on his lips, his cheeks and each eye, interrupting the water that hit his face for a few seconds.

Kyungwon stood up and curled his arms around both of them and placed a kiss to Hoseok’s ear, whispering his own love confession in his ear, simple but genuine with the way he paused in between.

“Can we-” Hyungwon began and looked a little unsure again. “Do you think we can just say that we are all boyfriends? It just seems so difficult for me otherwise, I don’t know how I would explain it.”

“Mh? Just say that we’re in a relationship, you don’t necessarily need to label it, we’re just people who happen to love each other. I love you, I love Kyungwon in a different way and you love me and love Kyungwon in a different way and so does Kyungwon, so it’s just three people who love each other, that’s it.” He smiled and stepped out of the shower, throwing a towel at Kyungwon who followed immediately.

_He needs you._

Closing the distance, he curled his arms around the other man and raked his fingers through his soaked hair. The response was immediate as Kyungwon almost turned boneless in his embrace, leaning against him and brushing the skin of his neck with his warm breath.

“I’m emotional, but I hate crying randomly,” he whispered and closed his lips around a patch of Hoseok’s shoulder. He must have really enjoyed the way Hoseok’s fingers moved through his hair, body leaning towards the touch.

“You know, I never told you, but there was a turning point in my relationship with you. It was the time you told me about your lifestyle and I told you how I changed mine. I realized that there was so much more to you and that you hadn’t been going around insulting people for fun, but that it was something superficial, something that was for others but that you suddenly stopped showing me. It was so special to me, and it still is, the times when you show me that you’re vulnerable and you need support and comfort just like everybody else, when you tell me to hold you, that you’re scared or feel lonely. I love it about you, it gives me the feeling that I can be someone who will make you feel better. Someone you don’t need to be the strong person with.” He felt overwhelmed himself, shaken by the intensity of emotions he was feeling and so incredibly happy.

Kyungwon lifted his head and looked at him, not saying a word as he bit down on the inside of his cheek and his eyes looked wet,  because of what Hoseok had told him just now. The other man looked so vulnerable, the way his eyebrows lifted a little instead of pulling together like they usually did when he was angry and the way his lower lip shivered from the attempt to keep the emotions in.

“Hold me, Hoseok,” the beautiful, black-haired man whispered as a single tear made its way down his cheek, rolling over his chin and landing on Hoseok’s naked chest.

He did, curling his arms tight around Kyungwon’s slim body. After a while Hyungwon’s lean arms joined him and the other man stroked over his brother’s hair affectionately.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore, and you don’t have to be scared, because you’re a stunning and strong person. I’m so happy that I met you.” Hoseok kissed Kyungwon’s golden cheeks while sucking in air to not cry himself. Seeing the brothers cry was a no go. Turning towards Hyungwon, he smiled brightly, he simply couldn’t contain it with the way the other man looked absolutely adorable, no matter what he did.

“And you, thank you so much for making me feel loved apart from Kihyun’s straight no-homo love. Thank you for crying with me and for listening to all my problems even though you have your own thoughts that don’t let you live in peace. Thank you for telling me to act on my feelings towards him and thank you for staying next to me through everything, I love you so much, Hyungwon. I really do. You mean the world to me.”

“You deserve everything and more, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered and kissed him softly, lips barely touching. “I am happy that I can be with the two people that mean the most to me in this world. I am really not good at a lot of things, but I feel that the two of you can really complete me and I can give you all the love I have in return. I always thought that I was the one who inherited most of it, so I want to give it.”

Standing like this with the two men that he loved in his arms, crying and feeling so incredibly warm, he suddenly remembered the time they had played in the small tent in their room, Changkyun and him. He must’ve been ten at that time and Changkyun was five. His brother wished for toys, for his brother to always be around and to go to school. He remembered wishing for the feeling of care, he had wanted to feel what it was like if someone genuinely cared about him and loved him.

Whatever it was that he had been seeking, it didn’t come in the form he was expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Epilogue is updated too =)


	14. EPILOGUE

The intricate pattern of smoke left his lips in big puffs, creating shapes that vaguely resembled rings. It looked pretty although the knowledge that it was cigarette smoke ruined the impression a little, like he was polluting the air with his attempts to sort his thoughts and relax his mind.

He hadn’t smoked for over half a year, but something about the way the light had fallen right on his bed didn’t allow him to sleep, motivating him to walk out on the gigantic terrace and lean against the railing while staring at the night sky. It was quiet and not even birds were making a noise, almost as if every source of sound had died out to give him the possibility to think, to relax and eventually to go back to bed.

Kyungwon could remember very well the last time he had touched a cigarette, it had been at his loft, standing on the balcony and wallowing in his misery and compensation strategies. He had reflected on his love for Hoseok and how unreachable it seemed, how he was doomed to suffer by his brother’s side, trying to keep him happy while compromising his own happiness.

_How wrong you have been._

It almost felt ironic now, how he had believed that Hyungwon was the one who needed the most protection, how he had believed his brother to be vulnerable and easily hurt, worth protecting from everything including their own mother.

_But the one who really needed to be protected was you._

He smiled and reached out for the small clay cup that he had grabbed on his way outside as a replacement for an ashtray. The vase he had used back then had found a different owner, disappearing from his life much like everything else that reminded him of his mother. The presents had always been meaningless and there was no room for them in his current life.

_You’re not alone anymore, you don’t need to surround yourself with meaningless objects and poor excuses for human emotions._

A smile passed his lips at the comparison between back then and now, at the way he had been devastated and believed that he would remain alone. Instead, he was surrounded by two people that meant the world to him. It still felt surreal and sometimes he had dreams in which it was all just a product of his imagination. But he wasn’t too caught up on such thoughts, the brain was a scary place when it wanted to be and even the worst nightmares weren’t able to throw him off the warmth that spread in his chest whenever he opened his eyes in the morning.

_You’re happy, aren’t you?_

He was. The way their relationship developed felt like a large weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders, like there was no need to carry all the responsibility by himself anymore. It was like there were two people that were perfectly capable of sharing his concerns and solving them with him. Even when their daily lives were busy, Hyungwon with the expansion of the dance school and the constant guest performances he had begun doing, and Hoseok with his work at the pharmacy. It was amazing that the other man had finally decided to drop the huge company and to work with customers instead, he had been much happier about it. Although they had been busy, there was always somebody available to open up to and receive a few warm words in return, no matter what it was.

_And still you are out here smoking and contemplating life._

Kyungwon chuckled at how old habits died hard. He had always smoked whenever his thoughts overwhelmed him a little, piled up and he needed a few puffs of smoke mixed with the cold night air to fit into place again. The breeze was chilly, so he pulled his silk robe a little tighter around his naked body, feeling goosebumps began to spread along his legs.

He tapped his cigarette on the edge of the clay cup one last time and squeezed it inside to extinguish it. The last bits of smoke dissipated into the cold air and it took only a few seconds for the sky to clear again and return to the familiar dark blue, moon a bright white color. It was beautiful, and he couldn’t help but feel happy that he had the chance to see it.

_A lot of small things make you happy nowadays._

He had reduced his working hours and began a small start-up, working at his own pace and with his own clients instead of allowing other people to push him around. There had been enough of that to last him a lifetime and Hoseok and Hyungwon were supportive as ever, even if he happened to be moody once in a while.

_You’re so fucking lucky, Kyungwon. Who the hell doesn’t have a relationship and then ends up with two boyfriends?_

He had no idea, but he must have saved a country in his past life or something equally honorable.

_Maybe you were a prince, that’s why you are so difficult to satisfy._

Kyungwon chuckled and inhaled deeply, preparing to go inside.

“Kyungwon, it's not the time to be filming some drama, it's the middle of the night and it's literally five degrees Celsius outside, you'll freeze to death.” Hoseok appeared on the terrace, dressed in nothing but a hooded winter coat, it looked hilarious.

“I was just greeting my subjects in my nightly attire,” he replied with a grin and wrapped his silk robe even further around his body. Now that the blonde man mentioned it, it sure as hell was cold. “You look like a penguin, I love it. Reminds me of that sex toy you wanted to give Hyungwon for Christmas.”

“The prostate vibrator? He's still traumatized.” The blonde man laughed, before his facial expression became more serious. “I woke up and you weren't there-" Hoseok murmured and closed the distance, opening his coat and pulling him into a tight embrace. “I missed you, it feels incomplete. I feel incomplete.”

“Me too,” Kyungwon whispered back and inhaled the scent that was so inherently Hoseok in addition to the fabric of his coat. It was so warm that he felt the difference to his naked feet, standing on the black granite. “I was thinking about back then, before I got drunk and told you to stop being a coward. It made me want to smoke, so I did, thinking about everything that changed. It still seems a little unreal sometimes, especially when people tell me I’m fucked in the head for sharing a man with my brother. But they know nothing, nothing at all.”

“They don't. It's hard to be forced to defend and explain yourself all the time, but I try not to care.”

It was quiet for a few seconds before the blonde man looked up at him.

“You look a little unreal right now; the moonlight is so bright and your face is shimmering in silver. You're beautiful.” Hoseok stroked over his hair before letting his fingers dance along his cheeks and stopping on his lips. He leaned in and Kyungwon could feel how hot Hoseok's mouth was in comparison, warming him up in more ways than just one.

He couldn’t suppress a gasp as he reached out and cupped Hoseok’s beautiful face in his palms, smiling against the other man’s curved lips.

“And you still look like a penguin, but your smile makes me want to melt into you and forget about myself, Hoseok. I love you, you dork,” he whispered and curled his arms around the blonde man’s neck instead, pressing his slim body further into the warmth that Hoseok’s naked skin and winter coat provided.

“Better looking like a penguin then freezing to death, but yeah, we all have different priorities. I love you too, we should go back, you're really cold and if you touch Hyungwon like this, he'll kick you where it hurts the most.” The blonde man let him stay in his embrace and moved backwards in the direction of the apartment.

“You’ll just have to warm me up,” Kyungwon whispered as soon as they were close enough to the entryway to be too loud while speaking at a normal volume. It felt so intimate, curled up in Hoseok’s embrace and only dressed in a thin robe and the winter coat that the other man had wrapped around them. “Your skin feels like fire.”

Once they entered the apartment and closed the door to the terrace, Kyungwon smiled and loosened the ribbon of his silk robe. He let the thin cloth fall to the floor and pool around his feet before he crossed the few steps between them and returned to the other man’s embrace, overwhelmed by the way Hoseok’s skin burned against his own.

He heard the heavy winter coat hit the ground and felt strong, muscular arms around him. Hoseok was burning hot.

“You're cold, but it’s just the first impression, am I right?” Hoseok asked and attached his lips to his mouth, equally hot and better than any coat.

“I only burn for you,” Kyungwon replied quietly and closed his eyes, focusing on the way Hoseok’s body resembled liquid fire that covered him whole. “I’ve never felt this safe with another person, Hoseok.”

“And I've never been as happy as I am now. You're mesmerizing. I love you.” The other man's fingers curled around his wrist and he pulled him towards the bedroom. Hyungwon lay on the left side, rolled up in a blanket and Hoseok crawled on top of the sheets next to him, pulling Kyungwon along.

It felt like home, familiar warmth and the pleasant mixture of their scents. He circled his arms around the gorgeous man’s waist and placed his head on top of his shoulder, listening to his heartbeat. There was so much meaning behind every action, behind every word. Back then, Kyungwon would have wrapped his arms around a stranger, knowing that there was nothing to gain in return, no emotions that some unfamiliar man in his bed was able to give him. But here he was, embracing the man he loved while being embraced in return, fingers dancing along the whole length of his spine and pulling him even closer, flush against Hoseok’s muscular chest. His own fingers travelled along the blonde man’s hip bone until they intertwined with slim but long ones that were almost an exact copy of his own, warm to the touch.

“I've never known what the feeling of belonging somewhere was like, but I think it must feel like this. I remembered how Hyungwon said that you're the perfect copy. You're not a copy and you're not perfect either but you're so incredibly beautiful inside. Thank you for showing me.” Hoseok's whisper let hot air hit his ear lobe while the other man stroked over his hair.

Kyungwon’s throat clogged up at the words, emotions threatening to spill over, but it was okay. It was okay to cry when he felt overwhelmed and emotional, it was okay when it was in Hoseok’s arms, right where he belonged and was meant to be.

“Hoseok,” he whispered and intertwined their legs, head still calmly resting on the other man’s shoulder. “Thank you, thank you for being my friend, my family, my lover and everything I never had. You and Hyungwon make me beyond happy and I don’t think I am able to put it into words. I’ve never really known what it meant to not be lonely, but it feels like it has become an emotion I am forgetting, one that I go to the terrace in the cold to remember.”

“I'm so happy. I'm so happy that you waited for me,” Hoseok answered and leaned in, kissing his lips tenderly.

“I love you both too, and now sleep,” Hyungwon groaned next to them and threw one of his long legs around Hoseok's hip, intertwining it with his own.

It wasn't really about being in a relationship or having someone to come home to. It was more about being able to let go of his own worries and responsibilities, to share them, to be vulnerable, imperfect while knowing that it was okay. It was the knowledge that he didn’t need to fit a perfect image, something that had been forced upon him and that he had desperately attempted to protect even though it had only brought him loneliness and misery.

Being with the two people that mattered the most in his life, hadn’t only given him peace of mind, companionship, the feeling of being loved and a shoulder to lean on, it had also given him freedom. The freedom to decide for himself, to follow his own ideals instead of someone else’s and to open up to the people that really matter.

_You can be yourself now, Kyungwon, your perfectly imperfect self._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Perfect Copy and Blue came to an end.
> 
> Thank you so much for staying with us during this very unusual but still very important ride. This story was very special for us and we hope that you enjoyed it.  
> We would like to thank all of you who clicked, gave Kudos, read and commented on the chapters, to those who wrote us private messages on twitter or sent fanarts to our e-mail adress and to those who bought the hardcover version of BLUE. We are so happy to have you!
> 
> A big special 'Thank You' to our Beta-readers Molly, Alice and Natalie, who did an incredible job correcting our mistakes and making the fic better! We love you and are really, really thankful that you invested your time and effort into it.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 


End file.
